Author: Gabriel Heartman

I am a facilitator with the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. I am called to serve love by sharing my emotional process and lessons I have learned, to help others see and feel a different way of relating to the reality that we currently subscribe to. I hope you feel my heart and soul in all I express. Thank you for joining me on my journey and desire for you to come with me.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 1- Parts Work As A Training Ground For Leadership

Published on by Gabriel Heartman3 Comments

cflyer2

Day 1

 I was invited by Jillian and Wayne to begin my own 30 day outing. In the next 30 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part. Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon. And Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part. Peter, my magical child, may find his way sometimes too! I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable.

This is all a big unknown, but one thing that is known is that it is me putting myself out into the world and that is scary as hell for some of my parts. This is a crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart.

You have the gifts, the power, and the love to be a sacred human. Each experience helps you to remember that. This is a process of uncovering, relearning, and remembering. Healing is the key. All experience is an opportunity to heal. Feel that daily and you have a gift that keeps on giving.

Christopher: Good morning, Mother.

Divine Mother: Blessed morning to you, my sweet Christopher

C: I get all goofy when you call me that.

DM: : ) That feels sweet. You have a beautiful heart, my dear. But in your tenderness don’t forget your spine, my courageous son.

C: Thanks, Mother. I do desire to feel more oomph in my body. More penetration.

DM: There is some healing with Nathaniel that will help with that. You have a warrior’s heart, my love. Not a soldier, but a warrior. Big difference.

C: I would love to feel that this lifetime.

DM: Keep on with your healing and it will come.

C: Okay. Patient persistence.

DM: Yes.

C: That helps with what I had been meaning to ask you about in regards to my next phase. There is a LOT that is going to happen daily for me as I draw a job and work with these new parts.

DM: It can feel overwhelming when you hold all of that once. Feels like Simon that does that. He may need some quick check-ins about the order of the day so he can rest.

C: Yeah. He really needs to have some idea of the day. Thank you for bringing that to me.

DM: Everything you experience, be it rest or tension, has a sacred purpose. You are arising, my dearest Christopher. You have the gifts, the power, and the love to be a sacred human. Each experience helps you to remember that. This is a process of uncovering, relearning, and remembering. Healing is the key. All experience is an opportunity to heal. Feel that daily and you have a gift that keeps on giving.

C: Wow. Thank you, Mother. I feel these words as so true and powerful, yet I seem to let go as quickly as I read them.

DM: You could write them down somewhere so you see them.

C: Yeah, I could. That feels like what I did during my positive affirmation phase. Blah!

DM: I feel them as words of wisdom not to be taken for granted.

C: I like that. That feels more grounded to me. Thank you.

DM: It is all really for Simon to see. You know all this stuff. He needs your help to bring him along. I feel desire in him. He just needs a leader.

C: Wow. Another wow. I never felt it that way. My parts work is the training ground for leadership. That reminds me of Wayne and Yeshua’s blog about leadership.

DM: Yes, indeed. And you posting your journal work with your parts is another act of leadership. You are helping others see what parts work can do for healing and transformation.

C: It feels vulnerable though.

 DM: True leadership requires vulnerability, Christopher.

 C: Gotta walk the walk if I plan on talking the talk.

 DM: Well said.

 C: Okay. I feel like using this as my first post would be a great springboard.

 DM: Be my guest. Your parts won’t feel like the first to be outed. I will clear the path and they will follow your heart.

 C: Thank you, Mother.

 DM: No, thank you, my love. Now, I believe you have a date with a special lady?

 C: Yes, I do. How do I look?

 DM: You may want to change out of your Pjs, though she may find that charming.

 C: Right. Good idea.

 DM: : )

Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Once Upon A Time: Healing To Remember

Published on by Gabriel Heartman2 Comments

Snow-Charming-once-upon-a-time-32128972-480-530

I have recently been watching episodes of Once Upon A Time. “I am on season 2, so please don’t spoil anything for me!”, a part of me wants to exclaim emphatically before I even begin. As I have been watching, I keep getting a feeling that I am watching us, humanity, at play. That somehow we are all from an “enchanted forest” and have been blinded by a “curse”. This enchanted forest is the place where our sacred humanity lives and breathes the air of what and who we really are. The curse is our lack of consciousness, our inability to feel our true essence from lifetimes of wounding and conditioning.

This place I speak of is not some place in the past, nor is it a million miles away. What if it was right here? Right under our noses. What if we live in this place, but have just forgotten? You and I may know each other, but our curse of unconsciousness keeps us from remembering or feeling that reality. What if we actually all know each other? That we were once, and even are now, a part of something grand and magical. I feel myself wanting to remember. Wanting to feel myself for who I was, or more importantly who I am.

There was a scene where David/Prince Charming declared that he claimed both his cursed, former self and his true self. That he was both and he wouldn’t have it any other way. “I am my strength as I am my weakness.” In that moment he rose to his bigness while holding and loving his smallness. That is the man I remember being. Some may say it is a projection of who I would like to be. I have learned from my teachers, Jillian and Wayne, Yeshua, and the Divine, that this projection only exists because I am spring loaded for it. I would even say that it exists because I AM it. I am that which I imagine and resonate with. What is really happening is that I am remembering.

“So you are saying you are a character in a fairy tale?”

I am saying I am similar to a character in a fairy tale who has forgotten who he was.

“I believe the doctor will see you now.”

I believe the doctor is delusional. How is that?

“Oh, boy.”

May I finish?

“Be my guest…or patient.”

I want to clarify that I don’t feel like I am remembering a “past” life specifically. All of those lives have shaped my soul into what it is today, in this moment. All of those lives I was searching for (remembering) the same thing I am today. My true nature. The place where my soul, my heart, and my body are one. This is my sacred humanity. It exists in this place, at this time. But it takes the process of healing to remember. If you have felt this inside you, rumbling around like an elephant in a dryer, then contact us. We just might know each other after all.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Shame Spiral: A Part’s Journey

Published on by Gabriel Heartman2 Comments

spiral-hands

*Note: The following was written by a part of me named Simon. This part of me has been my self-image, my presentation and interface with the world.

 Since I can remember, I have always had a voice in my head that said I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t “man” enough, wasn’t creative enough, the list goes on. Always comparing myself to that which I felt I lacked. “I will never be as confident as THAT person. I could never be as creative as them. Who am I kidding?” The irony I am learning is that those qualities I felt I lacked, are the very ones I might possess in spades. I would get frustrated with myself and then cap my passion sending me into a shame spiral. A flat-lined version of myself.

 The well-intended responses from friends and family never seemed to reach me, either because I just wouldn’t let them in, or they only scratched a surface. I needed someone who had been there. Someone who knew the texture and geography of the feeling space so as to guide me through the pain and not just mask it over. This has been Jillian and Wayne. They have given me space to express my spiral, to see it differently, and to feel through it rather than go around it. It is difficult for others to really go to the place I need to go, because they are afraid of what I might do, or afraid of their own spiral and reluctance to go there. Only when someone has been there and healed it healthfully can you be felt emphatically.

 A song that has come up that I resonate with is Alanis Morisette’s Spiral. The lyrics reflect this mechanism inside that has existed my whole life and maybe other lives. I remember early on in my process I heard this song and I wept as it struck a heart cord. I have come back a few times to this space and wondered why I was feeling this again. Hadn’t I healed this already? I am realizing healing has its own spiral. Each time I heal it moves, but may come back again for whatever purpose to heal again, and again, and again. I have learned that if I do not reach out for help, I get stuck in a suffering loop. Much different than a spiral. In the loop, you feel stuck. Unmoved. Anchored in a pile of shit. I don’t like that feeling. I need to stop the spiral and the only way to do that is to out it when I feel it. I need to out when I have been hurt or when I am angry or when I don’t feel good enough.

 To some that may be a “no brainer”. But for me, it has been a challenge for my own reasons. My life filled with experiences that felt like they cemented that voice with steel barbs. I know that being public with those experiences would be a vulnerable act but I am not there yet. Just doing this is vulnerable enough. I start with today and feel what I am feeling, and then move on to tomorrow and repeat. That is my process. The beginning of my journey. I want to say that if you too feel anchored in a pile of shit and are sinking in it, ask for help. Talk to someone that you feel safe to talk to. Contact Jillian and Wayne and SoulFullHeart. Do Something. Don’t let it stay there. It does you no goddamned good.

 I wanted to leave with the video and lyrics to Alanis’ song and hope they move you as they do me:

“Spiral”

I could be daydreaming but for a moment
And somehow they’re creeping back in
I could be sleeping awakened the torrent
Somehow I get caught in their grips again

And here I am in my shame spiral
I’m sucked in to it again
And I reach out for your benevolent opinion
And you bring the light back in

Don’t leave me here with all these critical voices
Cause they do their best to bring me down
When I’m alone with all these negative voices
I will need your help to turn them down

I could be listening to a conversation
The story I’m not even in
These voices have their way when I am unguarded
Suddenly I step in quicksand again

Once again in my shame spiral
I am glad that you’ve weighed in

Don’t leave me here with all these critical voices
Cause they do their best to bring me down
When I’m alone with all these negative voices
I will need your help to turn them down

All these judgements, so incisive
Voices left to their devices
This moments narratee is a desperate plea
For slack to be cut to me
Cut to me

Don’t leave me here with all these critical voices
Cause they do their best to bring me down
When I’m alone with all these negative voices
I will need your help to turn them down

Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life and to find out about our life assessment session offered over the phone or in person.

Letting Go With Love: Healing Codependency In Our Relationships

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

letting-go-of-a-relationshipFamily, friends, and lovers. These are our most intimate connections. Some of us have a multitude of them. Some of us, just a few. What really matters is the quality and kind of connection we have with them. In my “past” life, I had my family, both nuclear and extended, several friends, and a few lovers (not at once, mind you). As I went through my SoulFullHeart process, I began to feel the real inadequacies and co-dependencies within these relationships. Both for myself and for them as well. Confronting these emotional realities consciously, I began to realize that I could not continue holding on to a false relationship. A false relationship to me is one where the transaction is between two false selves feeding off each other for their own emotional survival.

Cords needed to be “severed” in the name of love for myself and for them. I put severed in quotes because the word has a connotation of forever. I do not desire to be apart forever. Just until we both can truly see and feel each other on a ground that is level enough to transact a deeper and non-codependent connection. One that is based on willing to feel ourselves as an assortment of wounded subconscious parts and a desire to feel our separation from and ache for the Divine.

This connection may or may not ever happen in my previous relationships. I pray that it does. But if it does not, I do not hold myself or them in contempt. It is not about being stubborn or defensive as it is about holding a value system that is just plain different. We may just be cut from a different cloth and there is no love lost in that. I say that because that is what I really wanted to get at. “Loss of love” is not possible in my experience of it. Love exists always and cannot be destroyed or lost. I have boundaries and conditions, yes. But I also have love. A love that is far greater and real than the “love” our false selves have chosen to agree to in our day-to-day lives. This love is not nicey nice. It is not just light and airy. It is real. It is sticky. It is honest and it is painful. It is humbling and forgiving. It is ecstasy and celebration. It is what we want it to be and it is what we don’t.

I have love for those who have been in my life and I always will. I do because they are a mirror unto myself, and I a mirror unto them. Each one of them has enriched my life for the better. Each one taught me more about myself than I could have alone. I experienced my parts in relationship to them. True, they were formed because of my experience with some of them, but they are also healed because of my experiences with them as well. They were not in my life if they did not have something to offer me, and I them. We drew each other for a purpose, whether for the short term or the long.

Recently, I said good-bye, at least for the short term, to a mate with whom I had become co-dependent. Whenever I write or hear the word ‘codependent’, a part of me feels like it cheapens the experience we had together. It unequivocally does not. It gave us both a vantage point from which to see and feel ourselves more consciously than we would have otherwise. A part of me was dependent on feeling wanted and desired. Dependent on being looked up to and adored. Dependent on being depended upon. It is hard for this part to admit that, let alone let go of.

The subtleties of co-dependence can be very difficult for us to be conscious of. It takes others outside ourselves, such as an SFH facilitator, to be a witness to them and then provide an objective mirror of us to see it. It can be dismissed at first, many times with fierce anger, like a lion protecting her cubs. But over time you see it, then you feel it. It can’t be ignored if you truly want to heal and grow.

After saying good-bye, I could feel a part of me needing to know how she was, what she was feeling, what she was doing. I held that part by feeling his feelings and journaling with him. I helped him to surrender into trust and faith in the Divine Mother. “You mustn’t worry about her, my love,” the Mother tells me. “She is held by me. You can let go. She will not fall.” This part of me struggled, but it lessened each day.

What happens next is unknown. I still feel my former mate and the others in my heart. I pray that they experience what they need to for more growth and arising bigness. I hold the possibility that we will see each other again through different lenses that reflect our truer, bigger selves.

As for me, I continue to lean into the Divine. A new frontier awaits: one that holds an expanding SoulFullHeart Way Of Life Society. One where I, too, have experiences that support my growth and bigness as a leader, a teacher, a healer, a friend, and a lover.

Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life and to find out about our new life assessment session offered over in person or over the phone.

Spiritual Tsunami: Recovering The Lost Members Of Your Inner Family

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

Tsunami2

Last night, I watched the movie The Impossible.  It is a film based on true events of a family who lived through the horror of the 2009 tsunami in Thailand.  In it, a family is literally torn apart from each other and was able, beyond all odds, to reunite themselves with each other in the end.

As I watched, I could feel my Daemon, Raybone, analogizing it to a spiritual tsunami that is crashing on the shores of humanity.   Our human family has been torn apart by lifetimes of destructive forces that have left us feeling alone and afraid.  We have been separated from each other and are longing to connect again to the soul of our connectedness.  War, famine, politics, money, poverty, environmental concerns, just to name a few, are drowning out our connection to each other and to the Divine.

The irony is that the solution to these issues could very well be the thing that brings us back together.  But the question is how do we ‘solve’ these overwhelming forces of our current situation?  Raybone would offer that the solution is within ourselves.  What is the underlying cause of our predicament?  Leaders of the world are looking at the external rather than the internal.  The mundane rather than the profound.   The material rather than the sacred.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience.  We must get back to our roots as children of the Divine source of all of life.  Some of us have just given in to powerlessness.  We have no control so we will just sit here and die.  Others are looking for triage and seeking the help they need to survive.  And there are those who are taking it upon themselves to recover the lost souls of their ‘family’.

These people have many names.  They are a part of many groups.  SoulFullHeart is one of them.  It is my doctor, my healer, my calling.  I am not going to claim that it is the only doctor in the house.  However, it is mine.  Through actively engaging in healing your parts and your wounding, you are essentially recovering the lost members of your ‘family’.  You are reconnecting to your authentic self and to the Divine.

We are searching for you.  Aching for you.  Calling for you to find your soulful heart.  It is who you are and were always meant to be.

Visit www.soulfullheart.com for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life and to find out about our new life assessment session offered over the phone.

Related Articles:

Leaving Pleasantville: Claiming Your Soul Bigness

Life As A Divine Playground

Opening Our Blind Eyes

Experiencing Authentic Social Connections

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

group

By Christian Tydeman

Social connections.  We all desire to be a part of something bigger.  Without these connections we feel lost, alone, and scared.  We are naturally social creatures.  Our heart and souls require connectivity for purpose and support.  But the kind of connections we have and make can keep us small or challenge us to be big.  They can serve us or confine us.

Our first experience of this social web is our family.  They leave the biggest imprint on us and this guides us in our formation of future independent connections.  There are school connections, interest connections, work connections, and connections of connections.  Some of us have but a few, others have hundreds (or thousands if you feel a Facebook ‘friend’ is a connection).  

In all of these myriad of bonds, how many are authentic to you?  Why are they there?  Maybe they have a function.  Someone to talk sports with, someone to hear music with, someone to cry with, someone to laugh with.  Maybe you feel obligated because they are family, your “best” friend, or they have no one else to connect with.  How honest can you be with them?  How challenging can they be with you?

For most of my life, a part of me chose the safest connections.  The ones that were least resistive or challenging.  The ones that kept him safe and comfortable.  This part was, and to some degree still is, very much obligated to family connections even if they didn’t resonate with him any longer.  To truly live into my soul experience, I had to temporarily withdraw from these connections.  This was a difficult choice and one that this part of me regrets on some level.  

Magdalene offers me that our social web be created from the inside out.  We must feel ourselves in our loving authenticity and then create bonds that nurture and challenge its growth.  To stay in contact with someone that does not resonate with your higher purpose is not self-loving to you or compassionate to them as you are just enabling their fear of growth and change.

But sometimes we may need to back into these bonds.  Our parts may need to feel them again in relation to how we are now.  We may need to own something that we did to them.  They may own something they didn’t feel before.  New ground may surface or not.  Regardless, we get to feel ourselves again in a new way, in contrast to who we were.  We get to heal our heart and feel our soul journey with more clarity.

And to that, Magadalene says…Amen.  

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

The Living Unknown

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

roadunknown

By Christian Tydeman

As I ended my last blog entry months ago, I was driving away with a new sense of vitality and direction.  I had made a leap of faith.  Well, things did not turn out as “planned”.  While there was awareness that anything could change, a part of me assumed that it would be a while if it did.  How quickly life can change when you are living the SoulFullHeart Way of Life. 

As I settled into my new surroundings, parts of me were still a bit traumatized by the sudden transition.  I could not quite feel grounded in my new “home”.  This took a toll on my relationship, as I just could not “show up” the way she desired and deserved.  There were other factors on both of our sides, but I choose not to elaborate on them here.  Eventually, we completed our time together and were both led to the “unknown”.  What now?

A part of me thought about leaving and starting a new life somewhere else.  Actually, he still does.  I felt it would be running away and denying all that I had come to realize about why I was here in the first place.  I was here to get to know myself without the distractions of my old life.  Here, I am “unknown”.  I was used to responding to the needs and passions of others.  Now, I am responding to my needs and my desires.  They are very small in the moment, but it is a start.

While all this happening, I have a part that is very anxious of the future.  He has been so used to planning and strategizing a path to knowingness.  To “know” builds a sense of security even though there really is no such thing.  It is a perception, an illusion of safety that helps him to feel comforted.  This is what most of us tend to do with our lives.  Build a construct, a castle if you will, so that parts of us can be okay with our existential fear of not knowing a damn thing.  It is a scary place, and I don’t blame them for doing so.  However, the castle is made of sand, and eventually will get swept away, this life or the next.

Do I have any clue what happens next?  Not really.  I have some thoughts and feelings.  While the open road is full of possibility and adventure, it is also lonely and scary.  But I feel this is what I signed up for.  To be living in the unknown.  I can have a general desire for my future, but it is just a marker, a place to drive and see what happens.  I can spend my time worrying about what “may” lie ahead.  I can spend my time trying to “figure out” how I got here.  Or I can be in this moment, feeling all that I am feeling, and making small steps into The Living Unknown.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life

The Cliff: A Journey Of Love, Faith, And Courage

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

cliff1

By Sequoia Heartman

The line upon which I stood was clear in relation to the expansive depth. A part of me just saw an endless void. My daemon knew better. What is to fear when you have wings? As the rocks began to crumble under the weight of my heavy heart and a mirror placed in front of me by my mate, a decision had to be made. Do I continue to placate the fear that a part of me has always succumbed to or do I lay claim to my arising authentic self? When you feel your true desire in relation to what has been constructed for the sake of safety and predictability, there really is no choice but the one that honours life and love. In the words of Carl Jung, “If there is a fear of falling, the only safety consists in deliberately jumping.”

So, I did. I resigned from a 12-year teaching career. In the middle of a school year. Who does that? Not many. The part of me that had built this cardboard kingdom, Chris, was terrified not just of the financial impact, but also the perception of others and how they would respond to me.

“What are you thinking?” asks Chris.

“I’m not thinking actually. I’m feeling,” I say back to him. This would be my response to those who asked me the same question.

“I hope you know what you are doing,” he retorts back.

“Well, I may not know exactly what I am ‘doing,’ but I know what I am being. Honest with my heart, true to myself, and in surrender to the Divine presence in my life. I am following Love.” He wasn’t really convinced and had moments of kicking at me. I had set fire to his kingdom, why shouldn’t he be upset? However, there was no more negotiating on the same ground he has been walking on for years. Time to negotiate on new ground. With my authentic self in the driver’s seat, he has become my adviser to all things practical. And, dammit, if he isn’t good at it.

My decision sent shock waves through my whole school community. To many, it was a breath of fresh air. Something that a part of them wishes they could do. It was inspirational without having to risk anything. These parts could live vicariously through me, dream for a bit, and then ultimately go back to work. For others, it was a reaffirmation of their passion and dedication to a career they felt they were destined for. And some just completely disagreed with me. A part of them needed to protest in order to feel better about their own decision to stay stuck. These “unusual” decisions shake the foundations of the false self and cause a myriad of reactions. But, above all, these actions question the reality that the false self has created in defense of our authentic being.

The days that followed were surreal. Half in, half out. Telling my students was the hardest part. How to let them know the person they spend most of their days with would no longer be there to welcome them at the door. “Lead with your heart and the rest will follow,” said the Divine Mother. So, I did. In a circle of love, I told them of my decision to follow my heart. With their mouths agape in shock, I encouraged them to express all they were feeling or would eventually feel, whether it was sadness, anger, or maybe even joy. It was important they knew it was all real and all right for them to feel, whatever their reactions were.

Most of what I received from them was sadness that I would be gone, but also happiness that they got to be in my classroom while they did. To leave these cherubs was the hardest part of all. It made me realize that children hold a special place in my heart, just not in the role of classroom teacher. They are all Mother’s children, and when you feel their hearts, it is easier to feel their purity and goodness.

As for the staff, I was gifted with heartfelt reflections and support. These people had become my second family in dedication to our students and in genuine friendship. Another difficult piece to let in and let go of. So much love that I had had to let it in in stages. Pictures of the past 12 years flooded my mind and made their way to my heart as tears of joy, sadness, frustration, love, and fear fell and broke the dam wide open. These were not your ordinary co-workers. They were brothers and sisters to a part of me. They will be dearly missed.

So, now what? Well, I am letting my heart lead. A new kingdom takes time to rebuild. It takes faith and courage. I have both, I just  need my parts to trust me and my Daemon. The only way that happens is to feel them when they need to be felt. For my Chris part, this will be a daily dialogue. He needs to know that he is part of this new kingdom, even if his old one didn’t stand. As for my Erick part, he is ready to run with the bulls in Barcelona. I clearly will have to negotiate THAT one. My young Christopher just wants to have some fun and not be so serious. They all have different needs and desires. It is my role as my SFH self to show up for all of them.

The cliff is behind me and I have landed on the other side. The road is wide and infinite. Anything is possible. I have a new life with a new love. This time, I am in the driver’s seat and I’m not letting go of the wheel.

Sequoia Heartman is an apprentice facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more articles and information.

A SoulFullHeart Birthday

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

By Cristian Tydeman

When I was a kid, my birthday was a day in which, for one 24 hour period, I was the star.  I took center stage and everyone else was my supporting cast.  It felt good to be recognized and acknowledged for just being me.  So much so, that I remember telling people it was my birthday, just to receive those accolades.  A cheesy grin would be painted on my face.  “If it could only be like that every day, for everyone,” says my young Christopher part.  Words of angelic desire, from the lips of a child.

As I got older, the feeling around my birthday was that it was “just another day”.  I appreciated the phone calls, the cards, and the gifts, but somehow the magic just wasn’t there anymore.  Or I just couldn’t let it in.  The focus of the birthday became the number and not the pats on the back and the sweet cards from my daughter.  Somewhere along the way, I didn’t feel I was worth it.  Or at least a part of me didn’t.

This is hitting me pretty hard in the moment.  This feeling that, out of all the days during my life, a part of me couldn’t let in love for that ONE day.  A part of me couldn’t enjoy the beauty and joy around him.  The same letting in that I allowed as a child.  I had become desensitized to my own heart.

But this birthday was different than any other.  Today I let in the love from those that I love the most.  So much so, I found myself crying in the middle of my classroom as I read emails from my new SoulFullHeart family.  My young Christopher, wanting so desperately to be with them and eat cake and ice cream and be sung to.  “No gifts, Cristian, just love, please,” is the only thing he can say with tears in his eyes.

The tears are of longing and ache to be there with them, but also of letting go.  Letting go of the family he used to spend his birthdays with.  The birth family where the birthday memories began.  Yeah, we got cards and a gift from them.  There is love behind them that we acknowledge and are grateful for.  But it is not the “love” that neither I nor he desire.  It is a “love” for an old me.  The sentiment being sent was that “no matter who you are we still love you.”  It seems like a sweet gesture, but that is not good enough anymore.  I am not swayed by guilt anymore.  I want a family who will feel me AND my parts. I want a family who will shower my young Christopher with love and praise.  I want a family who will lovingly challenge us without the bite of criticism, judgment, or faithlessness.  I want a family who I have a common ground with.  A family we can learn from and respect by their own example.  I choose a SoulFullHeart family.

I am grateful for all my birth family provided for me.  They are why I am here, becoming who I am.  I drew them for a reason, and my time with them has been completed, at least for the short term.  If they so choose to go into their own hearts, and heal their own shadow, I would be there greeting them with open arms.  Until then, this may be my last birthday in contact with them.  Hence, the tears.

On the flip side, there is newness.  A re-birth, if you will.  The uncovering and discovering of the REAL me.  The ME that has been repressed and suppressed for far too long.  The ME that is the head of this household I call my SFH Self.  The ME that is the space-holder and lover of all my parts, especially my dearest Christopher.  They have a new father to lean into.  A new family to be supported and guided by.  As for me, I have a new love blossoming and a new NOW to create with her.  I have a rekindled love affair with the Divine in all Her beauty and grace.

Hello everyone.  Today is my first birthday and my name is Cristian.

Note from Jillian: I made this photo collage for Cristian to celebrate the day of his birth and his emerging birth into himself. Seemed appropriate for this post.:)

Cristianbirthday2

Convicted: Heart, Body, And Soul

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

Heart, Body, Soul

By Cristian Tydeman

I spent some time looking up the word “convicted”.  Obviously, the first thing that comes up is “being found guilty”.  In biblical terms (and may I preface that I am not nor have ever have been a Christian this life), it seems “convicted” is to realize through the Word of God that the life we had been living was “wrong”.  In either case, both definitions connote judgment.  In my new awareness, conviction is a state of loving embrace.  That is how it feels to me.  I could have easily chosen another word, but somehow this one really resonates with the heart of what I am.

I have recently returned from another Soulfullheart experience in Vancouver.  This time for two weeks.  While the group only met for two days, my process was running on 8 cylinders the whole time.  The compartments that I used to walk in and out of were melting away.  For the first time since I began this journey I was feeling more whole.  More at peace with who I am, not what others “think” I should be.  I brought more of my SFH self this time around and the alchemy of sacred space brought me to this state of conviction in heart, in body, and in soul.

Heart

I am in love.  In love with who I am becoming, in love with a beautiful woman, and in love with the Divine.  During my stay I found myself in an emerging relationship with all of the above.  With my Soulfullheart companion, Kathleen, I had to “show up” and be the man I know I am or risk losing something magical.  We both had to learn to be vulnerable and feel the fear of our parts in any given moment.  Through this sometimes difficult process, there arose a bond I have not experienced in decades.

As a result, I began to experience myself in a whole new way.  I feel more King-like, more open, and more real.  This is what I have been aching to feel my entire lifetime.  It has been worth all the challenges and tears.  The chrysalis is shedding and the wings are unfurling.  I am here…now.  With this new consciousness comes a new name…Cristian.

Body

Another manifestation from my Vancouver stay was the relationship to my body.  Jillian and Wayne have led me to a new respect for what I put into my body and how I maintain and strengthen it.  Though I am just beginning this new phase of my SFH experience, the initial feelings are positive and hopeful.  I went on a shopping trip recently and purchased more fruits and vegetables than I ever have.  Being around health just inspires me to be healthy.  As this unfolds, I will keep you posted on my body-based journey.

Soul

The last, but certainly not least, is my strengthened relationship to the Divine Mother.  From the minute I left my home some two weeks ago, situations occurred that were beyond mere circumstance.  People I sat next to on the plane, unfolding of seemingly unrelated events to lead me to one place or another, and the soft, tender voice that follows me wherever I go.  My daemon, Raybone, went through his own transformation with a new name and thus reestablished a long hiatus from Divine Love.  He has constructed an altar to Her Presence in our life.  All of which was inspired by music gifted to us by Jillian.  He has begun remembering our purpose here on this planet.

I have committed myself to moving toward Vancouver.  I have cleared my heart of any doubt that this is right for me.  I am unshakeable in my desire, unmovable in my faith.  I will be there.  I am there, now, in heart and in love.  The Divine tells me to follow my love and a path will be laid.  There will be challenges and fear along the way, but with Her Love, Kathleen’s love, and the love of my Soulfullheart family of Jillian, Wayne, and my daughter, there is nothing that will stop me.   I am. . . Convicted.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Experiencing Life.