Tag: change and transformation

The Illusion Of You: Golden Earth Tales

Published on by Raphael AwenLeave a comment

infinitelovegates

(Part 2 of the ongoing blog series: Golden Earth Tales)

By Raphael Awen

Who are you, dear reader of this blog? What brings you here? You’re looking for something, right? But what is that something? In fairness to you, I could turn those provocative questions on myself: Who am I, dear writer of this blog? What brings me here?

The rational mind and language itself stumbles in this domain of heart.

In the root of our heart and psyche though are these embedded questions of ‘Who am I?’ and ‘What am I?’….they are seeking some kind of a response. These are the questions that make up our life quest and offer it meaning. The response you’ll have to accept though will be an energetic one, not a mental one, as we shall see.

In part 1 of this blog series, I described my visit to the parallel dimension Golden Earth. I believe this experience came to me as part of my deep, lifelong quest to explore the ‘Who am I?’ question. Building from there in this blog series, I offer a framework of the path and experiences that led me there. Am I biased? Hell, yeah! How and where it lands in you is sovereignly up to you. Remember, the plumber may claim experience and even expertise, but he only gets his authorization to come into your house and address your problem from you. What’s good for the plumber is good for the spiritual teacher too; both get their authority, their permission to serve from the sovereign of the house – you.

My truth is this……that who you actually are and what you actually are is not who and what you think you are. Who you think you are is a self-perception that is presently encrusted in the five-sense reality dimension of physical earth, the rational mind, and collective consciousness. Those are the things that we have all agreed upon are the umpires that call ‘what’s in’ and ‘what’s out’ of your reality. As much spiritual and emotional work you and I may have done, we don’t get to walk away easily from this consensus reality and its effect in our psyche. We are social beings who seek to know ourselves by comparative difference; but not so different that we no longer feel like we belong. Therein lies the rub.

In that milieu, either directly or indirectly, we are often brought the ‘who are you?’ question. Most every time we respond, myself included, with some form of telling people the basic facts about us and what we do. ‘My name is Michael, I’m 49, I’m married to Susan, I’m a computer programmer and I live in San Francisco.’ Sorry, but all that didn’t even come within a country mile of who you are. You told us about you, it’s periphery; it’s a story. You didn’t get to your essence.

Well, ‘fair enough,’ we might say. ‘I don’t think the person questioning was looking for anything deeper.’ True, but is that enough for you? If it is enough for you, it isn’t for me, and I say ‘Go Home.’ Hanging around here will only frustrate you (and me), so I invite you to strongly consider taking your leave. Look for a plumber when the need arises. I’ve needed to do just that many times in my life to find my own truth and my own authority.

‘No, it’s not enough!’ I hear your heart saying, if you’re taking me up on my offer. ‘I am not my name. I am not my marital status, nor my gender or my age. I am not my profession or my place of residence.’

We may then go another round and wax a bit more poetic. ‘I am a lover of animals.’ ‘I enjoy gardening.’ ‘My passion is to help children with learning difficulties.’ It’s still in the realm of what you do, albeit with more heart, but still more story that falls short of essence. Nice try, but try again.

Going deeper, we could say that you are not your past, present, or future. Neither are you your body, your personality, your emotions, your desires, your dreams, or anything else in the realm of things you have. By process of elimination, we are getting closer to seeing through this illusion of you to finding your essence. But we’re not there yet. What else could speak to this essence, if the mind and even language itself stumble at the challenge?

The quest isn’t a small one, or even one you will ever completely solve. If you’re like me, you’ve eaten up a big chunk of life already in this lion-size hunger of yours.

I was an all-in Christian for much of my life and if had I been raised a Muslim, or a Buddhist, I’m sure I would have given myself just as fully to that answer at hand for as long as I needed, given the size of my hunger to know. I was more surprised than anyone around me by my sudden admission that Christianity had given me all it could. As an adult, I bought into what I was raised in because of its promise that it would hold me with its watertight answers for a lifetime. Leaving was anything but easy. It meant giving up my deepest treasures and identity to go back into the renewed search for meaning, no longer dulled by answers.

I recall the big yellow Christian bumper sticker campaign in my hometown in the late 70’s, proclaiming, ‘I Found It’. Well, in 2008, ‘I Lost It,’ and I had to come back to my essential quest. I am not unique in this. People that have subscribed deeply to a mainstream answer are finding it eroding in the rigors of their hearts, lives and shifts in the collective. ‘Answers’ in this way are what kill quests.

For many, or even most, these questions are too uncomfortable to face. “I can get out of joint if I keep contemplating my navel,” a former friend once offered, “or I can get on with what’s in front of me.” It’s hard at times not to envy this person, but consciousness has a way of maturing, and what was before off one’s radar, no longer is. Your consciousness simply outgrew itself, and as much as you may want to, there’s no getting back into the box. Welcome to the club.

We’ve been speaking of this question and its quest so far from a mental perspective. We’ve been employing the mind as our tool of inquiry. If you are feeling some angst to break through something or out of something as you are feeling into this question with me, I’d like to offer that what you are coming up against is the limitations and frustrations of the mind. The mind does many things amazingly well, but in other things, it fails miserably. This quest and its question cannot ever be ‘answered’ in any final sense. To the mind, this is bad news if it sees this as a statement of its inadequacy.

It can, however, instead actually be good news, if it sees this a retirement party. Here the mind can finally acknowledge with relief the lousy explanations you’ve been giving yourself and others to the ‘Who are you?’ question. Here the mind can sit back and marvel, at the lure of what every cult, culture, religion, spirituality and philosophy on the planet seeks to offer this quest, without assuming responsibility to sort through any of it. The rational mind was never meant to handle these questions.

As Rumi offered, ‘Only with the heart can you touch the sky.’ These questions are questions of the heart. It is the heart that holds our curiosity to know. It is the heart that spans the realms of both your expression and your essence. The knowing that the heart seeks is not any kind of a mental explanation. It is a ‘knowing and feeling’ that transcends the mind, and that reaches into essence, your essence. The mind, hopefully now enjoying and admitting its relief from where it floundered, is now welcome to this domain where the heart is the guide and authority. Here the mind, in surrender to the heart has a place, as a much needed role model of letting in love. Here the mind can finally admit and reflect back to you the reality of your heart; “I want, I need, I hunger for more.”

With your heart now at the helm, and the mind in surrender, the nature of these questions look and feel very different. What the heart knows and feels is that who you are is infinite mystery. Who you are is ultimately unknowable. The heart however knows this unknowable. It feels it. It basks in it. The heart feels the essence of all things as love, the ultimate upstream reality. Love is the only true source and substance behind all matter, behind all being, behind all consciousness. To the heart, all else is only constructed illusion.

You are infinite love. I am infinite love. Try saying those words aloud to yourself, with eyes closed, breathing fully and deeply. ‘I am infinite love.’ Say it again. You’ll feel two things; the mind chafing a bit; and your heart reaching and expanding out into the essence of who and what you actually are. Your own heart is now initiating you into your essence. This essence is your upstream source of being that you as a unique human being are the expression of.

In the next blog in this series, I will explore this magical essence deeper; what it is and how you can know it and feel it; and where that might take you.

Raphael Awen is a co-founder of and a teacher at SoulFullHeart Sanctuary. Visit soulfullheart.com for more. Follow him on twitter @raphaelawen for blog updates and more or subscribe to this blog (if not already) to receive each new posting of his and others from Soulfullheart Sanctuary directly in your email.

Awakening Is Like A Flower Bud Unfolding

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

heartflower

Awakening is less like a lightning bolt coming from the sky as it is like a flower bud slowly unfolding its petals in response to the warmth of the sun.

Feelings of warmth, comfort, and joy course through me; these are the feelings of the energy that move in response to my beloved mate Raphael. The feelings are familiar but the intensity of soul frequency is new. Our relationship is eight years old and brand new, both. The marriage between Jillian and Wayne (our previous names) is complete and a new union is arising between Jelelle and Raphael. This is not just semantics, changing these names, but a symbolic decision to represent the stunningly new sense that we both feel about ourselves. We also retired the inherited family name of Vriend and have chosen the last name of Awen, which means Divine Inspiration and is also the fifth element.

Who are Jelelle and Raphael Awen? It is unknown and familiar; it is us in our best moments and us in our letting go of the past definitions. It is the result of years of process work, devotional connection to the Divine, and, recently, meditative astral journeying to our true soul home called Golden Earth and the parallel dimension of Avalon. In one way changing a name is easy; it is getting to the place of genuinely wanting to inhabit something new that is challenging.

This is the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. It is about change and transformation, life arising anew at every sunrise and sunset, we get to arise anew along with it, even changing our names if we are called to. It is about nature’s beauty matching and holding space for our own inner beauty to respond and bloom.

We’ve rejected feeling that earning money should be the goal of life and embraced that money represents love and can come in many forms (including gift exchange) and shouldn’t be the meaning of life. We’ve rejected pressure to conform to the rationalist, five sense picture of reality and embraced that our reality is much more vast, mysterious, and multidimensional than we can even imagine.

We feel that you have to say ‘no’, to push back on what you’ve been conditioned and programmed to believe about life, in order to experience what your meant to experience: yourself as an expression of Infinite Love. The SoulFullHeart Way Of Life operates from this foundation of Infinite Love, it overflows from this well spring, and it gushes from this pulsing vein. Any other source is an illusion created by the false self. Saying ‘no’ is only for a phase of time until you are made bare and new with only ‘yes’ as your necessary response to what you are offered. Yes to desire, yes to learning, yes to connection, yes to love. You become a student and teacher of Yes.

This came to me this morning as one way to describe the process of awakening that participation in the SoulFullHeart calls us to inhabit: Awakening is less like a lightning bolt coming from the sky as it is like a flower bud slowly unfolding its petals in response to the warmth of the sun. We provide the warmth of the sun in the form of love, support, guidance, and a setting in which you can truly focus on your process. You are the flower, each unfolding petal revealing the essence of your heart and soul expression. And the Divine smiles on it all, caught up in the goodness of our efforts and desire.

Jelayan Awen is co-creator and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.

From Collapse to Sanctuary: An Appeal to Heal

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

spent-planet

Industrial collapse and emotional/spiritual healing. They sound like unlikely bedfellows. There are not many voices in the grids that link the two intimately. Those that see an imminent global economic collapse, the likes our civilization has never experienced, are still mired in the content of convincing others that it is actually coming or what the best ways to prepare are. Not quite able to make that first step to building sanctuary. Those that are very aware of how our wounded hearts and souls have created a deeply unsustainable way of living are seeking their own healing to help themselves and the planet. But the thought of an actual collapse is swept under the proverbial rug so as to not feel the enormity of the fear that comes with that. If they continue with their healing that is all they can do to help the world change course.

The dire situation we as a species find ourselves in is a direct result of our collective emotional and spiritual wounding. The choices we have made have been to seek a medication to that wounding or a justification of our unworthiness as human beings. Organized religions and professional therapies have tried to offer a salve for the pain, but come up short on true transmutative healing and in many cases replaces one medication for another. There is a collective shadow that grows larger by the day and it seeks to be healed one way or another. The balance of life seeks equilibrium and the tipping point is soon approaching.

To project our current crisis onto the Illuminati, the Bilderbergs, the Republicrats or some other third party is a convenient way to take the co-created responsibility out of your hands and put you in state of indentured victimtude. Yes, there is corporate greed. Yes, there are those who have a shit load of power that are making things indelibly worse. But guess what, you drive the car that consumes the gas that is running out of short supply that is found in foreign countries that we want to bomb to take control of it or found in areas that can only be accessed by raping the very Earth that provides us our daily bread. You buy the products that are manufactured by the poor in poor countries who are owned by multinational corporations that have executives that earn a gazillion times more because they are really good at taking advantage of humanity. You buy the food that is raised in holocaust-type environments that use copious amounts of toxic chemicals and that spill tons of it into our waterways. The list goes on.

Now, I fully admit my own role in this co-creation. I did, and to a lesser extent still do, some of those things listed. I still own a vehicle, but is on the market. I still buy some plastic products that are the bane of this Earth. I buy produce that had to be shipped to its location. But what I am doing is transitioning. I, along with my two friends, are moving our way to sustainable sanctuary, one emotional step at a time. I do not intend to come off judgmental or holier than thou. I am intending to bring into awareness our own responsibility in the current situation and that it takes time to move from one lifestyle to another. From unconsciousness to consciousness.

Collapse and healing will be one in the same when it happens on a grander scale. When costs skyrocket or delivery is stopped, and you can’t get the things you once took for granted, there will be an emotional response. You will go through shock, anger, depression, or other uncomfortable feelings. Others will do the same. The solutions to get those old needs met will range from barter to theft and maybe worse. When medications are abruptly taken away, the parts of us that needed them will do what they need to get them back depending on the level of dependency. And I am afraid the world is full of medicinally-dependent people. I was one of them, and still have a few to heal through.

My purpose is to wake something up in someone. Make a connection or two. You may just ignore me, but you would also be ignoring yourself and I am not okay with either. You may just call me a doomer or a hypocrite (because I am using a computer which is fueled by electricity which is fueled by some non-renewable source), but you would be missing my point and I am not okay with that either. I honestly want you to wake up. I want you to take a step in the direction of real change and empowerment. For yourself, humanity, and the planet. Feel for yourself what is happening in the world and to the world. Feel what is happening inside yourself and to yourself. They are one in the same actually. And when you really feel that, you have only one choice. Take responsibility, take back your power, and heal your way to sanctuary.

The Emerging Me Through Natural Education

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

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By Christopher Tydeman

In my former life, I was a teacher. I taught a range of ages from 7 to 12. I taught reading, writing, mathematics, history, science…et al. While I was teaching I was wondering if I was really teaching anything at all. I mean, yeah, I was helping with some basic fundamentals that are the building blocks of an education. But the content was a mixture of somewhat useful and interesting to downright drab and boring. I tried my best to bring in something meaningful and engaging but, to be honest, it was a lot of work. It all had to tie into the “Standards” of the prevailing curricula. Oh yes, the Standards.

We want our children to be “competent” so that they are “successful in today’s highly competitive world.” As a former parent to a school-aged child, I bought that with half my heart and all my mind. I passed that down to my students and their parents and care-givers. If they could demonstrate “proficiency” they would have a much better chance of “making a better life for themselves”.

I agree that my use of quotes is a bit tongue and cheek seasoned with sarcasm. That is my intention. Even while I was buying and selling those words, I could feel how devoid of humanity they really were. The Standards System, or Core Knowledge, or whatever the hell they are calling it now, is nothing more than a conveyor belt by which the Industrial Machine can create its submissive robots. I couldn’t participate in that system anymore without being guilty by association.

Why am I writing about this now? Great question. It has been two years now that I have left my teaching career. I am also now just learning what real education is all about…self-sufficiency, emotional awareness and fluency, and a place to discover and nuture our Divinely-given gifts. I guess I just realized I am in school for the first time since I was a child, where learning happened through creative play and experimentation. As an adult, I can add a lot of physical work to that list. This was the education I wished I could have given my daughter and my students. This is the shit that really matters. I knew it mattered because my students went crazy for nature, food, play, and art. They, as well as us older children, were born with the Divine Fingerprint. The desire to be with what we need most as human beings.

Somewhere we forgot that along the way. Convinced ourselves it must be more complicated than that. But as I sit here in Mexico with gardens literally popping out the ground from our own research, intuition, play and labor, I can tell you it isn’t. Granted, it is hard work. I have worked hard before, but this is for our food. Our sustenance and currency. Our hearts and our souls. You can’t get more real than that. I am learning more about myself and nature, as Mother intended. This is the real classroom.

So, I am back to being a student again. That is hard for the Industrial part of me who thought we had it all figured out. Put in the time and retire in peace. But once you feel your true, wild, natural self you can’t stay in the System without feeling the rub, the pain. The un-naturalness of it all. The insanity. This part of me is becoming more aware of how much happier he is now than he was then. I am beginning to feel a new me arising from this transition from teacher to student. From Industrial Self to Natural Self.

At some point I see myself teaching again. Not sure what that would look like, but I know what it wouldn’t. Been there, done that. I see being a part of a new reality for education. One that will emerge from the collapse of the old. For now, I am enjoying the ride of sitting in the student seat. Learning from my SoulFullHeart family, the ranch workers, the animals, the plants, and the Divine. They are the best teachers I have ever had. Time to rewrite the standards from the inside out.

Tribulation: A Novel Inviting Us To Feel Life After Global Collapse

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

“A man lives who hears the the song of the red-tailed hawk and flies with it; A man lives who begins and ends each day with his new family and needs no other people; A man lives, who learns something new about the ground he walks every day, and needs no other place; A man lives who knows he is in the world not on it, a part of it not in charge of it, with many brethren of all kinds, and has no right to take more than he needs.” From Tribulation

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By Jillian Vriend

Information about the inevitable global collapse of our short-sighted, technology- and cheap-fossil-fuel-dependent world is usually presented from a mental perspective and from an energy of “proving” that intense changes are coming and when they might be coming. Most of what is out there is mental analysis presented by mostly men who seem to be overly dedicated to researching thoroughly because what they are offering is admittedly to a stubborn audience in deep denial. They use logic and reasoning to try to pierce this denial and to wake up, first and foremost, a person’s awareness to what is happening. While this initial awakening is crucial, I’ve felt something missing from what I’ve digested recently from these mostly male sources and ‘experts’ on collapse.

What I feel is missing from the collapse picture and from our world in a big way is feeling, intuition, compassion, vision, surrender, and connection to a bigger context. Basically, a feminine energy (in both men and women) that can hold and respond to what is happening and what will happen from the heart rather than just from the head. I feel called to provide some of that energy through my connection with the Divine Mother, as I’ve done in previous conversations that I’ve shared on this blog. I also felt compelled to share images from our world with only music as backdrop to invite the heart to digest what is happening rather than just the mind. I feel strongly that is our individual capacity to emotionally digest what is coming that will become the most valuable currency in the future. I feel that survival and practical skills in combination with emotional maturity will offer the most grounded chance for those awakening to this reality.

One of the most difficult things for people to imagine is what the collapse will be like and how it might feel to actually live through it. This is where I feel that fiction writing can be very helpful as it sparks the imagination (connected to our third eye/visionary access) and elicits our emotional reactions in ways that just being presented the “facts” of what is happening cannot. Telling and hearing stories has been an important aspect of human consciousness throughout our history…we’ve moved from sharing orally around the fire to spending millions on block buster movies. Most of these stories feel like they feed our denial, keep us asleep, and allow us to act courageously in a vicarious way. Most of these stories bear little resemblance to most our lives and purposely avoid reflecting the subconscious (and sometimes conscious) misery and suffering that so many people feel. Most of these stories act as drugs, whether to keep us from feeling or to drop us into feeling as a way to off gas our pain without actually connecting it to ourselves.

Sometimes, though, a story comes along that invites us to feel ourselves and our lives. It invites us to feel the very real possibilities of our future and offers scenarios that don’t feel foreign so much as scarily familiar. Tribulation by Thomas Lewis offers such a story. Rather than offering a dystopian picture of a world that has been cranked up to extremes so we don’t feel too disturbed by it (like Hunger Games series, 1984, Battlestar Gallatica, the Divergent series, The Stand, Planet Of The Apes, etc.), this book remains firmly grounded in what is not only possible but is very likely. The author has obviously researched extensively our fossil fuel dependency, as one example, and then he imagines what will happen to modern society when the tankers can’t deliver, when the food can’t be delivered by truck, when the political systems have become irreversibly corrupt from preserving relationships with middle eastern, oil-rich countries , when the wars escalate, when the economy based on fiat currency collapses. It’s easy to imagine the hoarding, the looting, the shooting and yet can be difficult for us to feel what that would be like to live through. We need characters, like reluctant leader William and his collapse-seeing son Bill, and the others who live out the first, very messy and painful phase of collapse on a sustainable farm, to project our hopes and our fears on to.

The author provides us a picture of what it will take to survive: fertile land in a remote location, a source of clean drinking water, security systems in place (including hand guns), a community of people that you can trust with your life, gardens, farm animals. Many people offer this picture of ecovillage and intentional community living as a crucial step, but it is much more compelling to journey with these characters as they actually live this life, giving up most of the modern conveniences that have allowed for easy food, easy water, and (for most of us) easy lives. And their journey is not just about adjusting to daily living in this new, very physical reality, it is also about these characters letting go of who they were before the collapse and arising into who they become afterwards.

We feel that it is the collapse of the self image built up by the false self that will be the most difficult aspect for most people. So much investment in money earning, mortgages, professional careers, attaining the next “toy”…this investment will be impossible for many people to let go of even when life “forces” them to let go. We have offered with SoulFullHeart for two years now and been on our own journey for over ten years of deconstruction of the false self and its domains of control and strategy. We have let go of jobs, toxic family relationships, even previously revered spiritual groups…anything that did not seem to serve our arising authentic self and deconstruction of our false self. Reading this book confirmed these decisions as the de-construction process for us might be that much easier to bear when it happens. We have surrendered outcomes to the Divine and try to align our desires with the bigger context of our souls and Divine guidance. We have decided to leave Canada in the next few months and find a place that establish a conscious community that will feel like our “ark”, most likely in Mexico. A place where we can plant our seeds of heart and soul offering, growing not just the food we need to survive but the way of life that brings us such growth and love. A place where we can draw others with like-hearted and minded sense of life to be in community with us.

There is such growing proof that a great death is coming and we are already in the middle of a painful contraction period, the likes of which have never been experienced by our species. But, I hold in my heart (as validated by reading this book) that there is a rebirth possible rising out of the ashes of our false investments. A rebirth that offers a lifestyle of simplicity, sustainability, connection with our environment, and, most importantly of all, love.

Where You Choose To Live Is A Reflection Of Your Inner Emotional And Spiritual Health

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment
Sunshine Coast, BC
Sunshine Coast, BC

On one level, it was just a day helping a friend and  member of our SoulFullHeart community move from one geography to another. Yet, on the deeper level of heart and soul meaning, it represented a significant shift in her process and was the result of two years of inner emotional and spiritual healing work through embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. The physical move from the lower mainland, BC to here on the Sunshine Coast, BC was not a big one: only a forty minute ferry ride. But, emotionally, it was a momentous one in terms of what she needed to negotiate and navigate inside of herself  with parts of herself to be able to embrace a new geography outside of the “grids’ of the city. We celebrated this move with her for what it represented for her and that another member of our conscious community would be living closer to us.

I have felt for many years now a great significance in where I choose to live…not just the physical structure, but the surrounding geography as well and the “energy” of it. Being attuned to energetic frequencies is not a special attainment, it is a natural awareness that many people have densified or denied because of their cultural and family conditioning. Yet, once you become sensitive to the energy frequencies of a place, you filter every location through this awareness. As this sensitivity deepens through working with your parts and deconstructing your false self, you become unable to digest certain toxic energy frequencies that you could previously tolerate.

If you want to get a sense of where you are at in terms of emotional consciousness, feel into the energy of the geography that you live in. Is it porous or denser? Porous means that it provides breathing and aeration, a feeling of movement and spaciousness. Density means that it feels more crowded (whether literally with people or not although usually the more people, the denser it feels), less movement, a feeling of being suppressed and a ceiling of despair…the air literally feels “thicker”. I felt this yesterday when we were in a surrounding area of the city with strip malls, housing developments, and crowded roads. I felt myself breathing much easier once we were back here on the sunshine coast, where trees outnumber buildings and people, and the shoreline is a constant presence.

I have had phases in my life where I’ve needed to be in the heart of the city and with people surrounding me……it felt right to where my process was at and I could negotiate this with my soul as long as there was a park or woods that I could visit regularly (usually daily) to get a sense of aeration and porosity. This was enough for me until it wasn’t and I could feel yesterday that I would be surprised if I could live in a denser geography at this point or away from the ocean, which provides a necessary cleansing whenever I need it.

If you are unhappy in your current geography, I’m offering that moving to one that makes you feel yourself more and as if you can breathe could significantly serve you. Yet, I’m also inviting you to feel the parts of you that don’t want to move and why and how your current geography reflects your inner emotional and spiritual health. I feel that many false selves in people have become comfortable and therefore stuck in their present geographies. They may give themselves ‘permission” to go on vacations to places where they feel more porous and relaxed (the Sunshine Coast being one of them), but they can’t claim these places as their homes because their hearts can’t resonate there all the time and their false self is attached to job, family, etc which keeps them therefore tied to their present place.

As I wrote about in this blog entry “If You’re Miserable In Paradise,” it isn’t about choosing a paradise place to live as your emotional wounding and spiritual congestion will “follow” you there. It’s about creating an inner healthy heart and soul home so that wherever you choose to live will reflect that.

Jillian Vriend is a co-creator of SoulFullHeart Way Of Life and conscious community, parts work facilitator, author of a  book and on this blog, and sacred humanity-Divine Feminine teacher. For more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com

Sacred Re-Birthday

Published on by Gabriel Heartman

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By Christopher Tydeman

In each of us, we hold a sacred human seed.  An embryo, if you will.  There is not one person that does not have it, as we are all a part of All That Is.  Our destiny is to manifest, give birth, to this divine child within us.

Yesterday was my birthday.  I reread my blog from last year and felt the emotional place I was in.  It was a time of major change in my life, as it is again this year.  Last year I was birthing into a new relationship with myself, SoulFullHeart, a mate, and the Divine.  This year the same statement is true, just on a deeper ground.  Last year, I was letting go all I was.  This year I am letting in all I am.

The birthing process in SoulFullHeart is not a simple task.  It can be a very trying time for the part of us that is resisting the Divine flow of growth and change.  The level of pain is equal to the level of resistance.  A part of me says, “You make it sound like torture!”  This is not a physical pain that I refer to, but an emotional period of letting go and letting in.

In each of us, we hold a sacred human seed.  An embryo, if you will.  There is not one person that does not have it, as we are all a part of All That Is.  Our destiny is to manifest, give birth, to this divine child within us.  It is always striving for this as a plant is drawn toward the sun.  It will not be denied.  Does that sound like fate?  It does to me, but the rate of that growth and the choice to bloom rest solely in our sacred authority.

There is a Divine paradox in that.  I have a destiny, for which I won’t be denied, but get to choose how and when I want that to unfold.  Fate and freewill.  When we are awakened to this truth within us, there comes a time when we have to make a challenging choice. Do we resist this growth and stay stuck in our painfully protective shell, or do we move through a temporal pain (or “pane” as in window pane) to be born into a bigger more expansive place, with more air and more light?

The scary part is that we have no clue what lies on the other side of that birth canal, just as a baby doesn’t when they exit the womb.  In that moment there is the Mother, our Mother, who is waiting with Her blanket of love to wrap you up and help you feel it will all be okay.  You are surrounded by others in a soulful-hearted family who have been there too, and will welcome you into your reality and emotional consciousness with open arms and hearts.  This is your first sacred SoulFullHeart birthday.  Welcome home.

 Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life off and on since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. For more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com

30 Days With My Parts: Day 30 – Self-Authority: Authoring Your Own Story

Published on by Gabriel Heartman

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90 Days With My Parts:  Day 30-

This is a sovereign, self-loving choice.  It is negotiated with your needs, my needs, and the needs of my other parts.  This is the backbone of SoulFullHeart.  It may be a day, a week, or a month.  That is a real-time decision made between us.  The only permission we need is our own self-permission, in which arises our own self-authority.

Christopher:  Good morning, Mother.

Mother:  Blessed morning, dearest Christopher.  What is in your heart this morning?

C:  Well, I was lying in bed and getting an irritation about this blog.  I checked in with my parts, specifically Simon and Nathaniel, and they are feeling a bit torn on this blog in the moment.  I offered what you mentioned to Simon about taking some time off and they seemed to like that idea.

M:  Okay.  What is behind that?  I guess my question is why are you telling me this?

C:  I can feel a part of me asking for permission, looking for an okay.

M:  Mmm.  I see.  I am going to let you handle this one dearest Christopher.  They need to hear it from you.  You are the SFH self not me, my son.  I feel you already know my answer.

C:  You are right.  Thank you for reflecting that back to me.

M:  That is one of the ways I serve.

C:   I am getting that.  Okay…good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning, Christopher.

C:  I was feeling all of our desire to postpone the blog.  Why do you feel the desire?

S:  I guess I just want to journal with you without the feeling it is being published.  It is hard for me to get totally vulnerable with you knowing that.  Plus I don’t feel as close to you when we type it as when we write it.  I can also feel like this is another task.

C:  I have felt this in you for a while.  You talked to Mother about this.  Do you remember what she said?

S:  She said the most important thing was me and my needs.

C:  We felt that a postponement was a negotiation, right?

S:  Yes, we did.

C:  That takes in consideration your needs, as well as Nathaniel’s.

S:  Yes.

C:  But I feel something in you that is struggling with that desire.

S:  I can feel that I don’t want to disappoint Jillian, Wayne, and Kathleen.  When I say that I can feel how that is just an old way I would have felt this.  I know that they would be behind this 100%.  They would support us even if we decided not to do it anymore.  They would just want to feel what was behind the decision.  The feeling.  No judgment, just data.

C:  Yes, exactly.  This is a sovereign, self-loving choice.  It is negotiated with your needs, my needs, and the needs of my other parts.  This is the backbone of SoulFullHeart.  It may be a day, a week, or a month.  That is a real-time decision made between us.  The only permission we need is our own self-permission, in which arises our own self-authority.

S:  I noticed the word ‘author’ in authority.

C:  Yeah!  Good catch.  We get to author our own story, not someone else.

S:  That is way cool.  We pulled a Wayne and Yeshua!

C:  I think we did, buddy.  How does that help you feel about taking some time off?

S:   I feel lighter about it.

C:  I feel that already in my body.  Anything else before I talk to Nathaniel?

S:  I don’t think so.

C:  Okay.  We will talk later.  Good morning, Nathaniel.

Nathaniel:  Good morning, Christopher.

C:  What were you feeling about this decision?

N:  I was feeling the need to be a little less outed.  I was feeling a need to connect with you privately as well.  We have just gotten to know each other and this feels a little less personal to me.  I understand the power of this container, and would like to participate in it when I feel a bit more connected to you.  I was feeling a little “dog and pony” about it.

C:  Hmmm.  Yeah.  There might some of that in there.  I felt that we were authentic though, for the most part.

N:  Oh, yes.  We certainly were.  My words were true to my heart as were yours.  It was just an image that came to me.  I want to feel a deeper desire to share.  One that comes with more time with you privately.

C:  Okay.  That is what we felt together this morning.

N:  I am grateful for the times with Mother and I hope that others can feel how we all have that connection, not just a select few.  It is a connection that I want to share, but also want to have privately as well.

C:  Yes.  Well said.  I feel we can share whatever experiences you wish to share after some time.

N:  I like that idea.  Thank you, Christopher.  I feel your leadership in this decision.  You will make a great king someday.

C:  Wow.  Thank you, Nathaniel.  That is really amazing to hear.  And you will be my wise guide.

N:  I would like that.

Mother:  Before you end, Christopher, what is your part in this decision?

C:  I was noticing that their feelings are my feelings.  I need to advocate for myself.  Even though I have changed, and am changing, because of this blog, that doesn’t mean I won’t stop changing.  I am not going to stop journaling.  I have enjoyed sharing myself, but I also wonder where it is landing.  My parts are becoming suspect as well.  I know my SoulFullHeart family takes them in.  I desire to continue the 90 Days because I want to for myself and because I know it is being digested by them.  I feel this decision as a growth point for me.

M:  Indeed, Christopher.  I can feel your heart and your desire to share with the world.  This is part of your purpose.  You are discovering that with these blogs.  You are also teaching with these as well.  You are demonstrating advocacy, self-love, sovereignty, and authority.  I am honoured to have been a part of it.

C:  Thank you so much, Mother.  That goes way in.  No time in my life has 30 days done so much to help me discover who I am and what I am capable of.  I want that to continue.

M:  Then it shall be so.

C:  Thanks to all of you who have been reading this the last 30 days.  I am changed because of your heart taking it in as well.  I am honoured you have been a part of it.  I will pick it back up when my heart calls.

Much love and gratitude,

Christopher

 My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 29 – The Gift of Love

Published on by Gabriel Heartman

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I feel like this is the time of year that gave me an opportunity to get love anyway I could and gift giving was one of them.  We were all looking to do that.  Christmas was like one big unworthiness orgy.  Then we could punish ourselves more for all the money we spent on alleviating our unworthiness.

Day 29

Christopher:  Hello, everyone.  I felt drawn to address all of you this afternoon.  Another roundtable team meeting.

SImon:  Is this like a staff meeting, cuz if it is I’m outta here?  I had enough of those teaching.

C:  No Simon.  I just wanted to feel all my parts around this time of year.  I was moved by Jillian’s blog today and wanted to feel some triggers and joy around the holidays.  I am glad you spoke up, Simon.  I have felt some annoyance with the holidays.  Would you care to share?

S:  I tend to get wrapped up in the gift thing.  Ha!  That was funny.  Get it?

C:  Yes, Simon.  That was good.  What about the gift thing?

S:  I guess I have always been stressed around getting someone a gift they like.  I feel like I have an image around it.  Did I “hit a home run”?  Do they feel I am a good gift finder?  Did I get them enough?  Am I being balanced?  Did I spend enough? Oh, for God’s sakes what is wrong with me?  These are people that love me and just want me for me, not for what I give them for a gift.  I used to fucking hate this!  Looking for acceptance by gift giving.  I feel I used to rail against it as commercialism, which is still true, but it was a truth in service to the stress of feeling my own pressure.

C:  Wow, Simon.  Right on, man.  I feel some juice in this.  I feel I fused with you a bit around this and should have done more checking with you before going out.  Did you feel that this year?

S:  Not as much.  I enjoyed going out with Kathleen and Raianna.  It is just this old shit that followed me around.  Feels like the dregs of an old punishing voice.

C:  That was intuitive, Simon.  What would you like to say to this voice?

S:  Leave me the fuck alone!   I am not a part of the old conditioning anymore.  I have a family that loves me for me and I don’t need to impress any of them to be given love.

C:  Amen, brother!  Can we still love this voice though?  This voice feels like it was there to make sure you got love, Simon, the only way it knew how.

S:  Yeah, I can feel that.  I’m sorry.  It is true.  Had I had SoulFullHeart at that time I would have been able to feel that part of me.  A part of a part.  Is this possible?

C:  I haven’t the faintest clue.  It feels like as I am growing more, you are as well.  Leaving some old things behind.  Getting separation from the old life.  Feels like it could be Marcus.  Is that you, Marcus?

Marcus:  Hi, Christopher.

C:  It has been a while, Marcus.  What is going on, my friend?

M:  I feel like this is the time of year that gave me an opportunity to get love anyway I could and gift giving was one of them.  We were all looking to do that.  Christmas was like one big unworthiness orgy.  Then we could punish ourselves more for all the money we spent on alleviating our unworthiness.

C:  What would you have liked Christmas to be like, Marcus?

M:  I guess just to have people get together and share our love for each other.  Eat good food, tell stories, play games, watch movies, and maybe exchange a gift or two, nothing fancy.

C:  That sounds like a SoulFullHeart Christmas to me.

M:  Yeah, I guess it does.  I feel like I was projecting some old family conditioning when we were shopping.  I am sorry, Simon.

S:  Thanks, Marcus.  I am sorry I said leave me the fuck alone.  That was just backed up frustration of all those years.

M:  I get it.  Believe me.  Thank you, Simon.  There is a better way to hold gift giving and that should be done by Christopher.

S:  Agreed!

C:  I should have held that more and I apologize as well.  I feel that gifts are from the heart and if we are not in our hearts then the gift is just a false token of love.  We are energetically passing on unworthiness and that is held in the gift itself.  If we really looked with our heart-eyes, we would see everyone handing each other piles of shit and saying thank you for it.  That is not what the holidays are about.  How do you feel about this, Nathaniel?

Nathaniel:  I couldn’t have said it better myself.  I have always been irritated by this Christmas thing.  The false social structure, the false religious foundation, the false relationship to the Divine.  It is maddening to really let it in.  But I appreciate the way you are bringing this, Christopher.  The way SoulFullHeart holds this time of year.  Your magical children set the tone of this season and let it be what it truly is.

C:  And that is?

N:  About joy, magic, peace, and love.

C:  You sound like a hippie.

N:  Right on, man.

C:  Now THAT was funny!  Good to feel your sense of humour after what you said.

N:  I am getting that without some light, this world would be way too dark.  Even a daemon needs balance.

C:  Amen.  How about you, Angela.  How are the holidays for you?

Angela:  It is about singing, and dancing, and being creative.  I like making gifts!  So much funner.

C:  We had some fun today creating, didn’t we?

A:  Yes, we did.  I can’t wait to show everyone!

C:  Me too, Angela.  And of course I can’t forget you Peter!

Peter:  Christmas is about snow!!!!  That was soooo coool!  I want to play in it again! Can we? Can we?

C:  Of course!  If it sticks around.  What else is Christmas about?

P:  Cookies!  Lots and lots of cookies!

C:  Hahaha!  Okay, we will make cookies.

P:  It is also about being nice to people and not being so serious.  Too many grumpy bunnies out there.  I don’t like that.

C:  I feel we can all agree on that.  Thanks for reminding us Peter about having fun.

P:  You’re welcome, Santa Christopoopoo.

C:  I love you, Peter.

P:  I love you too, silly.

C:  Merry Christmas everyone.  Let’s go have some fun.

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

30 Days With My Parts: Day 28 – Fear Of Real Love

Published on by Gabriel Heartman

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Love can bring up a lot of difficult feelings we have about ourselves.  There is a worthiness we must feel to let in real love.  You may still feel you don’t deserve it on some level.  Your experiences have conditioned you to believe so.  To open up to love is to open up to our deepest pain about ourselves.

Day 28

Christopher:  Good morning, Simon.

Simon:  Morning, Christopher.

C:  I wanted to talk to you about my relationship with Kathleen and how you are impacted.

S:  ‘Impacted’ sounds like a car crash.

C:  Okay.  Affected then.

S:  That sounds a little better.

C:  What comes up when I ask that?

S:  I feel like if I say something it may land in a way I didn’t intend.

C:  Sounds like management.

S:  Yeah.  You’re right.  I need to let you handle that one.  Old habits.

C:  This is what this is all about Simon.  Healing what prevents us from giving and receiving love.

S:  Okay.  My leading edge enjoys having someone around for you to relate to.  Someone for you to express love and feel love.  I enjoy that a part of her is similar to me.  Someone who gets why I am the way I am.  We can be that way together sometimes and get things done.  We also laugh at the same stuff and that is cool.  It’s like having a good friend around to share things with and do stuff with.

C:  That feels sweet, Simon.  I can feel your resonance with a part of her.  That feels like it affects you in a very good way.

S:  Yeah it does.  I feel like I can relate to someone.  I have always cordoned myself off from other people because of my fear of intimacy.  Like I can hang out for so long and then I need to get away to prevent getting too close.

C:  What would happen if you got ‘too close’?

S:  I feel like I would get exposed, become vulnerable to conflict which, as we talked about earlier, feels uncomfortable to me from my past experiences with my parents and past relationships.

C:  While I feel that is true on one level, I can’t also help to feel that is in service to the fear of something deeper.

S:  Like what?

C:  Maybe you are afraid of love itself.

S:  Hmmm.  I’m confused.

C:  Your experience of ‘love’ is skewed and jaded from your past experiences.  You really don’t know what true love is, do you?

S:  I don’t think I do, Christopher.  Love has always been felt as a struggle, a responsibility.  This is what I got from my parents.  I can feel how that was turned upside down with Jillian, but then it found its way there again, as if what was being offered by her was too much for me to accept as real.

C:  Well, don’t put that all on you, Simon.  Remember, it is a two-way street, but I can feel how you were conditioned to relate to love in that way.  There may be lifetimes in that conditioning.  I drew Jillian, and now Kathleen, for the purpose of experiencing real love that is “upside down”, as you said, from what you experienced in order to heal that conditioning.  To heal it into its right side up position.

S:  That makes sense.  I feel some sadness in never feeling real love transact between my parents.  I can feel how I ached for that feeling.  I couldn’t feel it in my friends’ parents either.  It was just the way it was.  I feel like I gave up on real love.  Like it doesn’t exist.

C:  Haven’t you felt it between Jillian and Wayne?  In session with Jillian and Wayne?  When Raianna was born?  On your wedding day?  In moments between me and Kathleen?

S:  Yes, Christopher.  I feel it now.  Thank you.  Ugh!  Why is my heart so buried, Christopher?  Why am I so afraid of something so beautiful and powerful?

C:  Love can bring up a lot of difficult feelings we have about ourselves, Simon.  There is a worthiness we must feel to let in real love.  You may still feel you don’t deserve it on some level.  Your experiences have conditioned you to believe so.  To open up to love is to open up to our deepest pain about ourselves.

S:  I want to feel that love more, Christopher.

C:  I do too, Simon.

S:  As you were typing, I could also feel how my need to be solo is based on feeling like I never had my own space, my own choices.  I was always responding to someone or something else.  When Raianna moved, I felt that it was finally my time to live life on my terms only to continue to create more relationships to others rather than myself.  When you moved here, I felt like that possibility was gone.  I can admit that I threw a monkey wrench in your relationship to Kathleen.

C:  I feel why you did that, Simon.  I was not present enough to feel you at that time.

S:  I know, Christopher.  I am just walking this out.  I feel your desire for a mate.  I feel a desire to feel real love, and that is through you that I get it.  I can admit that I worry I won’t get that if you are with another person.

C:  You have every reason to believe that, Simon.  I have to prove myself to you each and every day that I will be here for you and give you the real love you need and deserve.  I love you with all my heart and you are the most important part of me.

S:  Thanks, Christopher.  That goes in deep.  My tears are for all the times I never felt that as a child.  Thank you for helping me to remember all the other times I felt real love.  It is out there.  It exists.  I just want more of it.

C:  Then you shall receive it because you are worthy of it.

S:  Still hard for me sometimes.

C:  Never said it would be easy.

S:  I am tired all of a sudden.

C:  That was a lot, Simon.  Let us rest up for Raianna’s visit so we can let in more love.

S:  Okay.  Sounds good.

C:  I love you, Simon.

S:  I love you too, Christopoopoo.

C:  Seriously?  In this tender moment?

S:  : P

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and I hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.