By Raphael Awen
For many, the traditional idea of achieving a quietened mind state in order to meditate is an all-too-tall order. The idea that you need to achieve near total quietness of your mind in order to experience ‘non-experience’ sounds really cool to some who identify with that kind of attainment, and may even well be real enough for those who have gone there, but I’d like to offer you another way.
I’d like to offer you a way that works for me that involves a ton less effort and self-discipline (and what for many has devolved into self-punishment).
Let me back up for a moment though and speak to what I feel is at root of the ‘quiet the mind’ approach to meditation. Essentially, it is this idea that the mind is bad. But It’s more than an idea. It’s the feelings within the idea that give it power over us. It leaves us focused on achieving a mastery over a wayward part of us through effort, control and ultimately domination. Thankfully, we are collectively and personally coming to the end of the age of ‘domination over self’ kind of pictures, which aren’t kind at all.
With this firmly entrenched feeling-based reality that the self is bad, we are left in a desperate gasping for the return of the breath of our own goodness. We will stop at nothing to somehow reconnect with our own deep worth in self-love. The human being I believe was born of worth, functions on worth, and exists in worth. Our journey in being human is about coming to felt (feeling based) terms with this worth inside of our own being. Worth is meant to be felt and experienced. Without a feeling coloured experience of our worth, that worth is of no value to us.
So then, what we have perceived as the mind´s resistance to meditation is actually the mind’s resistance to being labeled as bad, and being outside of our core goodness somehow. Of course our mind isn’t going to put up with being crapped on like that.
So how then did we get the picture that opposing some aspect of ourselves would yield a deeply valuable and maintainable connection with ourselves? I’ll tell you (in my own ‘near as I can tell’ way) where we got that picture. We got it from the ocean that we’ve collectively been swimming in up till now, that the self is renegade to essential goodness. Good news for us, it turns out that what the self is actually renegade to is instead this very idea (along with all the deeply held associated feelings) that the self is bad.
So if the self isn’t bad, as we’ve been deeply and subconsciously programmed to see it and feel it as…., then what? ‘Then what’ is that the self is already good, and you and I aren’t sentenced to any self improvement picture, but the only kind of legit improvement that remains is about now seeing ourselves as utterly un-improvable.
How cool is that? It leaves you with something to improve upon, while at the same time with the impossibility of that.
Do you feel yourself at this moment beginning to surrender into a mind and heart expanded place? Your mind is plenty busy with the feeling and the what-ifs of all this that I´m offering you, and your heart of self love is beginning to open. Your feeling some relief from the sub-conscious self punishment picture that plays on the screen of your heart. I’m juicing you with the overflow from my own heart as I’ve had a head start in bathing myself in this new reality.
The picture above is one of those ‘pictures within pictures’ called ´stereoscopic´ pictures. See for a moment how long it takes your eyes to see the picture within this picture.
I offer the analogy of the stereoscopic pictures as a way to feel into a new vision of reality that is emerging for us collectively and that is available to you personally to tie into. There is a picture of reality that is forming within your current picture of reality. It isn’t the one you’ve known up till now based in the unworthiness of the self and all of the associated realities that go along with that. That picture is the only one you’ve been able to see up till now. You can now however see the new picture by looking into your current one and as you do, seeking to open your eyes to a new reality, your heart eyes expand and are enabled to see what you didn’t know was there up till now, but actually was as a deeper and truer layer of reality.
Try holding some of this new emerging feeling inside of yourself as you set out to meditate and see what now emerges in you without the need to dominate a wayward mind.
Feel into your own innate goodness amidst all of the so called mind chatter you hear going on.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, facilitator and teacher of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.
By Raphael Awen
Welcome to day 17 of the 21 day SoulFullHeart Magical Mystery Premises tour.
I’m not quite sure if I should be out writing today, feeling not quite all here mentally, but in a way that feels really good. The stranger part is that today’s premise is called the ‘Beyond Mental Premise.’ How fitting.
Let’s see where we end up and as long as I have a few designated drivers just in case. And no, it’s not about a drug-induced high. 🙂
Today’s premise goes like this:
“We have a mind; we are not our mind.”
The very term mental illness is grounded in our collective mental illness. It’s the minds way of trying to reconcile a world without feeling. The mind needs to be grounded in feeling, but alone it can never get there. Without feeling, the mind goes nuts. Then it goes to insane lengths to reconcile a world void of feeling. People that are recognized as functional and well adapted people are essentially people who are at present reconciled to their mental illness with a societally accepted and ‘co-signed’ mortgage on their true sanity.
You have a mind, but you are not your mind.
Most people cannot fathom the essence behind these words. The mind is so in the forefront of navigating life and has been for so long, that parts of us have no other sense of identity or reality apart from the domain of the mind.
Who you are and what you are is so much more than the computer that is doing your 5 sense calculations for you. You may claim to believe what I am saying and agree deeply. But this alone doesn’t mean you live outside of the almost total mental domination and control of the mind.
Belief is a function completely of the mind.
Feeling is the function of the heart. The heart has ways and means the mind knows nothing about. An easy test to see if something is a feeling vs. a belief is to see where the tears are. You may pat your heart while you speak your beliefs, but without movement expressed in tears and vulnerability, you are still squarely in mental territory. Another easy test to see what’s of the mind vs. the heart is to feel where someone’s words do not match their energy.
The smiling clerk asking to help you is usually so dragged out in anxiety and the toxic corporate environment they work in that the offer to help is something most of us tend to instinctually avoid or at least manage carefully as we engage. The energy doesn’t match the words. We’ve become so accustomed to this however that we are truly surprised to find and feel the unmistakable difference of when someone’s words and energy actually do match. We want to make them our new best friend. Jelelle and I experience this often as our energy does match our words, at least as far as we can feel.
Truly living from the heart is so shut down in our conditioning, in how we were raised and in our collective agreements about what relationality is, that access to the heart is almost all but completely sealed off.
This dire view of relationality as it exists now is a bedrock premise of SoulFullHeart’s offer. If it is too negative for you or bleak, I can simply say that this work wouldn’t be for you. We are not in any way about finding positive thinking solutions or spiritual ‘love and light’ practices or outlooks to bridge this deep ache and gap in what it feels like to be a human being on the planet at this time in our collective evolution.
Facing into this stark picture of where we are at without any denial mechanism to lessen it is the only grounded place from which one could healthily choose to get in touch with and thereby feel and heal the wounding they are carrying. The mind and the parts of us identified with it will not yield their dominance easily, no matter the degree of suffering.
It’s important here to feel that the mind and the parts of us identifies with it are not bad or wrong. They are simply doing the best they can.
I recently watched a popular teacher offer that in order to meditate effectively, one had to recognize the mind as being like having a monkey in your car while you are trying to drive. Not just a monkey he said, but one on drugs and one that had just been stung by a scorpion. No other way around this, he offered, but to simply get the mind to eventually shut up through repeated meditation. Can you feel how barbaric we’ve become in our drug dispensing solutions to medicate (including using meditation practice) rather than face our wounding?
SoulFullHeart instead sets out a path of getting to know and relate with the parts of ourselves that are stuck in the identity and prison of the mind. This is done through a heart open ‘template other’ that we refer to simply as a facilitator whose own work at opening their own heart makes them energetically and emotionally present and porous that no other certification or mental attainment can offer. Without this energetic and emotional presence, parts of us trapped in the mental domains simply cannot be elicited from their suffering. They can spot a fake with ease, and simply won’t respond. Why leave what feels like the best thing going to them?
Over time, once our parts experience, feel and come to trust reality adequately beyond the prison of the mind, it is so natural for them to be open to true creative play and imagination that comes from the heart and third eye. Now, the mind as the saying goes, can finally become our servant, rather than our master.
The other critical piece in SoulFullHeart’s picture is the arising authentic self, which we call the SoulFullHeart Self, who can show up consistently for the parts of us who are fused to mentally navigating life. This sovereign self, an inner reality, vs. an external spiritual practice or group, is the only way this can be healthy and sustainable. The answer is ever and only you. Read more about subpersonalities and the authentic self here:http://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/soulfullheart-subpers…
SoulFullHeart’s bold claim is only about helping you find that you.
I invite you to feel these words as deeply as you can. If you’ve read this far, I trust you have been. Let these words move you. Let them help you find your tears.
And if you’re ready for a bold action step of reconciling your words with your energy, contact us to explore a first free session together. Sessions are the doorway into SoulFullHeart if you are feeling to explore more. First session is free and very affordable after that.http://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/sessions
Thanks again for taking the premise tour. I am nothing short of honoured to have you along.
Raphael Awen is teacher and facilitator of SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.
Welcome aboard day three of the SoulFullHeart Magical Mystery Premises tour.
We only have two days sailing behind us and already it feels like so much more. Jump right in though if this is your first day, you can complete the circuit when and if you want to anytime.
A sightseeing tour is a really good analogy for what we’re doing together in these 21 days.
SoulFullHeart is a way of life and I’m offering 21 scenic tour vistas seen through each of our premises allowing you to essentially window shop to see if this truly warrants any more of your time, attention, or money.
There’s no charge to take this tour, but to actually enter and experience the territories we’ll be looking at each day will undoubtedly cost you. If your heart is truly hungry and ready, the cost will be something joyous, even as it is also sorrowful at times. But, it’s only at the point of buying something from someone that the real transaction or exchange occurs. Don’t mistake browsing for buying. Choice and transaction in this way with the resource of your choosing is no different than in the material world.
So here’s the third SoulFullHeart premise called the Nature Of Reality Premise:
“SoulFullHeart invites you to be open to a different picture than the body-mind reality, which is that everything is made up of energy; time/space/money are illusionary; everything is sourced from Infinite Love; and our innate nature is both dual and nondual.”
This premise if we are able to open it out together today will be nothing short of mind blowing.
Like setting out on a whale watching tour, there is no guarantee of actually seeing any whales and many days a whale watching tour must settle for being a ‘whale looking’ tour. I honour that what we see together will be a combined effort of what you and I choose to see, intend to see and are ready to see. It’s a co-created reality.
However, we have something big in our favour. We’re going to be looking at the idea of consciousness expansion today, and to do that, we’ll need an expanding consciousness just to get in the door. Consciousness itself likes being taken in and noticed. It’s like feeling the whales under the boat reluctant to surface until they can sense your reverence, respect, and awe, but when they do, watch the splendour unfold.
In this way, we draw this out together. I’m not responsible alone to put on any show. We do it together if there’s enough trust and desire between us, as well as resonance with what is. I feel part of me rest as I say that, and it felt both important to say as well as a portent of things to come in the rest of this tour together.
Now that we’ve got our seats, let’s dig in.
This premise begins with an invitation and that’s important because we are all grounded in a current way of seeing the world. The invitation is to look at another way of seeing the world, but of course, we can only do that through the lens we have. We can’t shatter this current lens in order to pop on a new one, and nor should we, we’d blow all of our circuits. It’s an invitation to see as much as you can and to then trust that what you were able to see was perfect, and that you were changed just by the act of truly looking. It’s an ongoing and never ending process because we actually live in an infinite reality picture.
Let’s talk now about the body-mind reality. ‘Body-mind’ is, in the way I’m referencing it today, a way of relating to life, that in turn ‘creates’ your world. Body-mind is seeing the world through the five sense reality only of sight, smell, touch, taste, and sound. ‘It’s real as long as I can sense it with the five senses’ is the powerful reality shaping mantra. Now, I know that isn’t your mantra or you wouldn’t be drawn here, but it is so deeply embedded in the world you were raised in, and the world you live in, every day, day in and day out. Body-mind reality has a powerful energetic pull that can be described as a gravitational pull that holds an order of things and an entire crystal clear cosmology out in front of you.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. It’s the results that count. Rome wasn’t built in a day. And on and on the sayings go. They form part of the outlying edges or borders of this perceived reality. If you are a more porous individual, you even add in some esoterics into the picture to make it bearable, but you have yet to actually ever escape the power of this matrix.
Body-mind in its essence is a wave form frequency of a specific bandwidth. As we are energy, as we’ll explore further today, we are totally susceptible to the frequencies we currently have dialed in on our receivers, and then we go on to rebroadcast those same frequencies contributing to the strength of the body-mind collective-consciousness reality. Now, to use another metaphor, it’s no longer us that is online doing the browsing, but rather the prevailing collective consciousness, or the computer itself that is doing the browsing. We are now essentially controlled around all the things that really matter with just enough free choice to keep the blinders in place. ‘Would you like fries with that?’ It’s now a false projected reality that we are co-creating because create is what we do. It’s what we are.
Everything around us is energy in motion, a frequency band manifesting as what we see and experience as matter. It isn’t real as we’ve understood five sense reality, and, at the same time, it is real on another plane, but it’s real reality can only be seen through a new lens that is the new plane.
Let’s look at money to help us grok this. Money isn’t real. It’s a thing we co-created collectively and is only real because of our agreement around it that we reinforce every day by our relationship and interaction with it. Money is actually nothing more than a means of exchanging value, or energy, or ultimately love. But it seems so crazy real! My focus on money, my need for money, my future money, my lack of money, and on and on. ‘I must secure the money, and then I will consider what other things I want in life’ is the energy that holds so many people. Money in this way is possibly the most powerful prison-forming matrix ‘thing’ that holds us in its clutches all of our days. And it’s nothing but energy!
Money is energy. I am energy. You are energy. Energy always flows. All the things you like and don’t like about your life are energy flows. The computer you are looking at and the chair you are sitting on are nothing more than energy manifesting in a specific form true as ever to the frequency they broadcast at.
Money as real from within the five sense reality is an illusionary reality. If you want to break the powerful hold money has upon your life, you must recognize that it isn’t money itself, but rather how you see money, or more accurately, the lens with which you are looking at money, specifically the body-mind.
Time is also another powerful illusion. The ‘realities’ of past, present, and future are held together by our collective body-mind reality-creating relationship to time. How cool would it be to flip the table here and instead see that time itself is the illusion and we get to use that illusion of time to our benefit. Healing anyone?
Space is another one. As energy, we are essentially living in a holographic projection that energy is creating giving us the magical illusion of space. It’s like going to the movies, except you ARE the movie.
If you’re like me, you are feeling really itchy about now. You can smell something big, but you can’t grasp as much of it as you want to. These are things to be lived into. The conditioned world doesn’t give way in a moment…..we instead live our way in a discovery process, that again, has no ending or destination, just like the Isness from where we come.
Here the saying ‘It’s not the destination that counts, but the journey’ needs to be revised to something like ‘ultimately, there is nothing but the journey, forget any destination other than simply being on the journey.’
This so resonates with us all, every last one of us, every last expression of energy ALL being God. Yes, including evil. It’s all Infinite Love out seeking to know itself in an infinitely unknowable reality.
All is Infinite Love expressing as infinite possibility, and nothing else matters.
Now, we see how we are both, like God, rooted in both duality and non-duality. We are playing with the duality in things like more or less money, things we prefer and don’t prefer, health is better than sickness, etc., all as a dance of Infinite Love energy that wants to come to know itself in all of its infinitely possible expressions.
When I feel all of this, my sense of the distance I’ve covered in my growth or my healing, though important to a part of me who still needs and relates to some form of measurement, gives way to the silliness of trying to measure anything in an infinite picture. 1/2 of infinity is still infinite.
And that is why I can resonate and be nourished with someone who is simply on the same path, regardless of their progress on the path. It’s sharing the same infinite path, me where all progress is immeasurable. The path affords us a processing and transactional ground for our relationship. Outside of the path, however, our frequencies have nothing but static. I can and do love the person not on my path, but I don’t attempt to transact very far with that person.
That’s already true for every relationship you and I currently have. It’s the resonant frequency band that literally holds it together.
Change the frequency and you change everything.
Okay, that’s enough for today, isn’t it? Talking about infinity can go on forever.
I want to close today by welcoming your inquiry into how The SoulFullHeart Way of Life healing process and I can serve your healing process. If you are a man, I would so love to be in an energy exchange with you providing we both resonate with each other. And if you are a woman, my beloved Jelelle would love to connect with you around beginning the process. Check out our sessions page for more info, and let’s simply get on Skype together to talk about it. Tell me what’s real for you.
I also welcome and deeply take to heart any donation you feel to give in support of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. You can find our donate button on our home page at soulfullheartwayoflife.com. Nothing gets my attention quite like an email from PayPal, saying ‘You’ve got money.’ 🙂
Until tomorrow and day 4, be well in your unfolding journey. And remember, there is nothing to count, there is only journey.
Raphael Awen is co-creator and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.
By Jelelle Awen
Note: This is a series of blog entries sharing experiences and conversations I have while meditating and opening myself to the frequencies of Kuan Yin, a female form of a Bodhisattva or enlightened, ascended teacher and face of the Divine Mother. To read the first in this series, please go here.
I have taken a certain pride in being embodied and ‘grounded’ in my body. My weight has been at a healthy place for a few years now and regular physical activity is just part of my lifestyle living off-grid Shovelling, weeding, watering, cob building…it all lends itself to being in the body. I also experience great pleasure from making love with my mate Raphael, which is grounded in our bodies, connected in our hearts, and expanding more and more into our souls.
So, I haven’t been interested in being ‘out of the body’….until recently I have been. Well, what I am more interested in is a balance where I can be healthfully and vibrantly be in my body and also deepen my experience of out of body realities such as astral travel, Samadhi and other enlightened states, kundalini energies, etc. I do believe a balance can be made and that’s what it feels like some people are seeking through the Hatha yoga path.
Physical ailments usually accompany my major spiritual or emotional movements as toxicity moves out, as Kathleen also talks about in her blog. I take note when this happens because I rarely get sick and have never broken a bone or had any kind of major injury or illness. So, the physical issues I do have are small and move quickly, but they can often be connected to my process.
As I am meditating with Kuan Yin today, I am feeling a particular ailment in my body that is minor but still irritating me. As I start with the “Ma Om” mantra (described here), Kuan Yin can feel my attention and focus moving to my body.
“I’m sorry,” I quickly apologize. “I’m getting distracted by discomfort in my body.”
“You have a body. You are not your body,” is Her immediate response.
Ok, I take that in and let it be a kind of repeated mantra.
I have a body. I am not my body.
Eventually, I have to ask her to clarify what She means.
“Your mind thinks that you are your body. It thinks you are a body shell and it fuses to that reality. This is very limiting. You are not your body. And, you are not your mind either.”
“Then, what am I?”
She seems to light up then. “Now THAT is an interesting question. Also, interesting is the question: Who am I?”
“Yes, what and who am I, then?”
The image of a lotus flower blooms in front of me. I can feel immediately that She has sent it to me. I take its beauty in.
“This flower knows more of its essence than you do because it doesn’t know anything. It just is,” She replies.
I meditate on this and feel how right she is. I have spent over ten years in a pretty radical and intense self healing path that has led to the diving into the depths of my previously subconscious emotional and soul wounding. I have been asking the question, “Which part of me is feeling this?” in a dedicated way over the last decade. I have been through a series of subpersonalities over the years and through this incredibly effective process which allows for separation and objectivity from reactions through feeling them deeply, I have had more and more experience of the authentic expression of my being. What you can experience of your authentic being that is since it is very difficult to pinpoint as it isn’t related to a role or self image. But, I can feel how even what I have attached to as my ‘authentic self’ or ‘higher self’ still has a dualistic filter around it.
“I just am,” I respond, trying it on to see how it feels.
“It’s ok you do so much defining and sorting of yourself, J bird. You’ve needed to do it and it was good. You are in a new phase now where you want to dissolve the “I” more so you can experience reality without separation.”
I feel a slight wave of panic come over me at the thought of ‘dissolving’ myself, especially as I have spent so much work and energy to uncover my seemingly most authentic expression! My previous spiritual teacher used to say about the ego maturation process that happens through parts work and then the ego obliteration process that happens in sagehood practice is like having a Maserati sports car that you work very hard to get and then proceed to drive it off a cliff!
Kuan Yin feels this hesitation in me and a wave of compassion from her washes over me.
“Your mind resists this. Your body resists it too. Even your ‘authentic self’, as you say, resists it. But that’s OK because you still are what you are and aren’t what you aren’t,” She says, smiling.
“Buddha taught that it is our sense of ‘I’ and our sense of separation that causes suffering. I have healed a lot of my suffering through the path I’ve been on but I am still curious about deepening what I have experienced beyond the mind and beyond the body. And, I guess, even beyond the ‘I’.”
“Who is saying that?”
I reflect for a moment. I immediately want to go to my usual mode of scanning for a part of myself that might be speaking but I know that isn’t what she is looking for. Finally I settle for, “I don’t know.”
She nods and smiles at me. That feeling of not knowing who I am because I just am is a strange one and vibrates through me, loosening my mind and I can feel, jarring a little bit of my attachment to my body. A surge of energy moves from my crown chakra at the top of my head and down to the base of my spine and eventually out my root chakra.
Another lotus flower appears before me.
This time all I can do is laugh out loud, although I couldn’t have told you why.
And Kuan Yin laughs with me and says, “That’s better!”
Jelelle Awen is co-creator and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit SoulFullHeart Way Of Life for more information about staying at the Sanctuary and virtual sessions. You can read her tweets here and become her friend on facebook.
(This is Part Twelve of the ongoing blog series: Golden Earth Tales.)
(Raphael delivered the following address on Saturday, May 7, 2016)
I would like to begin by thanking each and every one of me for your presence here this afternoon.
I am especially grateful for your curiosity, your desire, along with your hopes and your dreams.
I called this private meeting by specific invitation to each and every one of you as the personalities that make up what is tragically and all too simply referred to as ‘me’, as if ‘you’ didn’t exist. I know we all too often seek to be seen as one, understandably so, given our culture and the cults we are inescapably a part of, but we are in fact a glorious ‘we’ that I seek not only to address today, but desperately also need to get to know.
I know that you as distinct persons live in me as I often experience two or more of you as a tension or a polarity between two choices or energies inside of me. When I am less present to that tension, one of you willingly and sometimes willfully steps in to hold that tension. Here I again see your presence, your reality, your power, and your being. I could go on with example after example of your distinct and separate reality, but that would be in service only of convincing others, not present here today. You, I sense and feel, need little convincing.
I wonder what it is like being a part of me. I wonder what it is like for you when in my partial or full absence, you are left with doing life as me and in my name. What is it like for you to feel the power of my life; the identity of my life; the realized and unrealized dreams and potential of my life? What is ‘my’ life to you? How much of it is a shared reality of yours and ‘mine’, and in what ways? When and why were you born? Who in me did you rule over or submit to, and why?
Though we share one body, one brain, one physical history, and the illusion of being only one, we are in fact many. We are each different. We are each unique. As the Apostle Paul tried to convey in his teaching about the body of Christ when he said ‘Can the hand say to the foot, I have no need of you,’ we must recognize that we are a ‘we’, both separate, distinct and an inseparable oneness at the same time. Both are true. The folly would again be quite plain if when asked, “How are you?” to reply, “I am doing great. My liver has cancer, but I am just great, thanks.” As Paul went on to conclude: ‘When one suffers, all suffer. When one rejoices, all rejoice.’
I would like to not only recognize the fact of our distinct beings, but go on to get to know and feel the distinctions among us. I cannot say that I know you unless I am allowed and afforded a way to feel what you feel, to see what you see, to hear what you hear. I can no longer overlay my view of life onto you and rob you and myself from the sensational pleasure of mutual curiosity.
If one of you is not well, ‘I’ am not well. One of you, or I, may wish to hide another part of me that is in pain for a variety of reasons, as I know too often is the case for most of us ‘humans’. But let us be much clearer here in this private place than we are in the public place; ‘I’ am not well when one of you, one of ‘us’ is in pain, or disconnect, or has a deep unmet need.
All too often, ‘I’ have presented the conclusive “I am fine, thanks,” in response to an inquiry about how I was doing. I was quick to divert the lie by returning the presumptive non-question back to the other ‘person’; “And, how are you?” We have for so long co-signed this co-dependent perception of self as being a single personality that it is truly stunning that any functionality and sanity remains in us. We have even gone so far to as to culturally outlaw the very idea of being more than one with labels such as ‘multiple personality disorder’. I would like to go on record in this meeting, in this place with each of you present, to say that the term we must now accept into our lexicon is in fact ‘single personality disorder.’ The source of so much of our neurosis and the suffering of people is found here in this denial of being.
Before I wax too strong in my convictions and again fall prey to an old focus on others, I must apologize to you, the parts of me that I present as ‘I’. I deeply and profoundly apologize for my complicity in this appearance of being well when I was not. I was wrong. I am sorry. I am sorry for all the pain I caused to each and every one of you in a multitude of ways that it will take some time to fully feel. I wish to end this cycle now. I wish to take all the time it takes to feel it all, even if it extends beyond this life, or to alternative realities of what I’ve thought ‘life’ to be. I want to feel what you feel. I want to experience life from where you experience it. I must also ask each of you to join me in this apology to one another; to accept the end of this façade along with all of its attendant maladies that take away from our true and glorious wellbeing.
Both I and we have lived a long time in a picture of reaching out to others. I and we identified strongly with attaining a picture of being a leader with influence over others. Here, we felt and thought and imagined would be our fulfillment to the full. Others would convey and reflect back to us our worth, our sense of a life well lived. Today, I am inviting each and every one of you to see that the others I sought to help, that I sought to gain the favor of, are in fact not ‘other’, but WE are the ‘they’ we sought to heal and help. The realization of self that we sought to attain inside of a picture of being a healer to others is now dawning on our consciousness as the realization of our selves. There is no other to heal. There are no others in need of healing for me to offer or affect healing to.
Just as Jesus said, ‘I am the door, If anyone enter in by me, he shall find rest,’ so too each of us must find the grace and power to say the same thing of our-selves. Each singular one of us, in this multiplicity of being, is responsive to and responsible for our own healing. We must each own our own healing. Each one of us is responsible for our own conditioning, our own beliefs, and our own relationships to all of life. Each of us must now find the door to our hearts to search our souls deeply to determine what is worthy of remaining and what must be let go of in the sacred domain of our lives.
What we previously imagined to be the good life of being known by others must now be transformed into the much deeper and more glorious good life of knowing our selves. Our sense of meaning and purpose and gift to the world must also now originate and complete inside of our selves. Our fame must spread deep and wide to all the ends of our own kingdom.
How could I have imagined that we could have been of service to others while there was violence to our selves? How could I have dreamed of a world at peace while our own world was not even acknowledged? I want to sacrifice these imaginations and dreams on the sacred and holy altar of this new calling that is here now. I now know however, that unlike I thought in the past, I cannot mandate anything. I have no mandate today.
I have a desire. I have a dream.
In my dream, I awoke. I awoke to the presence and personality of you. In my dream, I was pierced by acute curiosity of who and why and what you were and are, and will become. This dream has overtaken me. I wish to yield every remaining breath and sunrise to this dream.
I surrender my future to us. I will love you in every breath. I will long to get to know you in every joy and in every sorrow.
I long for this day to begin now.
May we enter a new world now,
world without beginning,
world without end,
Thank you to each and every one of me.
Raphael Awen hails from SoulFullHeart Sanctuary. You can also track him on twitter via @raphaelawen, or on facebook: facebook.com/raphaelawen1. Please visit our Patreon Page if you’d like to support SoulFullHeart Sanctuary. We’d love to receive some of your money!
This is the fourth entry in the Life As An Initiate At SoulFullHeart Sanctuary Blog Series. Go here to read the third one.
The old photographs in front of me in digital form are, for parts of me, evidence of an old life and an old me. An attachment to them lives on inside me though I have looked at them a thousand times, and I feel reactions rise up yet again to my body, my outbound energy, and my self-loathing (that may be too strong of a term to use, but at times it does feel I have harbored that strong of a feeling about myself inside parts of me). Photos of a “me” in university studying Theatre, of a “me” exploring freelance modeling and the sexual messiness that came with that at times, and ultimately a “me” that felt most times worthless, incapable and even, yes, “stupid”, “ugly”, “fat”, etc.
It feels tender to let these feelings rise up again and yet for another part of me it feels useless…why let part of me obsess over the past? What is this part looking for…more suffering? These are unanswered questions in the moment, yet there is something about what I was living through that I feel connects directly to my process today.
I remember well the thought pattern I fell into and couldn’t get out of, starting around age 12. Puberty had begun to set in and my body began to develop the shape that I now have. My social world was getting tougher with hormones arising along with an emerging desire to have a boyfriend, while watching other girls my age draw what seemed to part of me like “all of the attention.” Immediately another part came in with messages of needing to find ways to compete but also with messages of my “incompetence” to do so.
On the other hand, I also remember being a “good Catholic girl”. Part of me leaned into church and the feeling of being with “God”. I realize now that this was my first experience of something bigger than me holding me, even if I wasn’t sure how to picture it exactly. I feel with some tears in the moment that this is what held me more than I realized at the time and kept me going through these tough years where I had parts developing like crazy to cover over my porosity and sensitivity as much as possible, to make life feel doable and less insane-feeling. Yes, it was in a Catholic framework, but the Divine is still the Divine and I have had many lifetimes of leaning into an inexplicable energy that comforts, challenges, and ultimately helps me grow somehow.
To me this all demonstrates the beginnings of what would become my own “Spirit/Matter Split”, which is easily one of the greatest themes at work in my life and perhaps for all of us on a global scale. Only recently have I begun to feel how big of a deal it would be if the biggest thing I do in this life is learn to bridge Spirit and Matter instead of feeling them as separate entities. As I go on I will illuminate what I mean.
What I wrote in the beginning illustrates the deep self-punishment pattern parts of me were in. Aspects of this included an obsession about how I looked and what my body weight was. It also included adopting many different “medications” in an attempt to quell this voice inside me but also to lift me up from the heaviness of what most people call “real life”. I remember there being a dense dreariness in my field about how life was supposed to be and how it would inevitably turn out. At times I still have this and I am now working with it consciously in order to feel and heal the parts that still hold it as Truth. This is a piece of family and cultural legacy. No amount of positive affirmations or reframing of my thinking could penetrate this voice and heal these wounds long-term.
So far, I can feel that…
Matter is the density of the material world, both energetically and physically. It is the churning of machines in our industrial factories. It is the ground on which we walk, run, cycle or drive. It is our physical bodies that we tend to obsess over, hold contempt for, and blame for so much. It is “is-ness”.
Spirit is the abstract. It is our feelings and our intuitions, which both can come with such an intangibility that they either pass through us unnoticed or are deliberately ignored/buried. It is life force itself. It is often an experience and a flow that cannot be put into words, it just IS. In a way it is “is-ness” too, but more so in the sense that it is literally All That Is, all at once.
See? One I can talk about more directly, while one needs to be described poetically in order to do it justice in human/Matter terms. Matter is meant to be temporary, fleeting, in the moment, tangible and dense, while Spirit is meant to be ever-lasting, enduring, unbreakable…and though it is mostly energy, it is what we can count on to always be there and it is what our hearts and souls long for more of, consciously or unconsciously.
There is no good vs. evil here. There is not even a real comparison between the two concepts. They are ultimately One; we have just created a duality perhaps to make parts of us feel better. There is a definite, bittersweet pain that comes with feeling Divine connection while there is still so much life to live, especially during this phase of life on this planet. But what could/would it mean if we integrated our daily life experience and our spiritual experiences and indeed didn’t have to define or compartmentalize either one from the other? What if the whole idea behind Matter is that it is a conduit and holding space for Spirit to play in? And what if we are the ones meant to link the two?
What if I am one of the ones called to be a bridge and lead others in this during my lifetime?
What if you are meant to come with me?
I’m realizing now how little experience I have had with nonduality in this life. I am looking forward to being able to let in some tastes of it as this dualistic experience of life continues to heal inside me. For parts of me, being able to be in a strictly human life with abandon has been comforting for short phases, though it has never really brought me satisfaction or deep joy. Perhaps as my parts begin to realize that they finally will get their deepest needs met while leaning into Spirit and taking practical life steps at the same time, I will become more ready to let the Nondual in and therefore let in my essential essence and more tones of my soul and of the Divine than I have ever let in yet.
Well, if life’s Matter is the playground I’m beginning to feel it is, then what have I got to lose in exploring this theme of bridging Spirit with it, except old patterns of being in life that my parts and I are tired of anyways? What could/would shift in my life if I can integrate the two?
I suspect that I, and my life, will change in more ways than I count.
Sounds pretty good to me!
Kathleen Calder is an initiate at the SoulFullHeart Sanctuary and you can read more of her writing here on this blog. Please visit SoulFullHeart Sanctuary for more information about staying with us and virtual sessions.
(This is Part Eleven of the ongoing blog series: Golden Earth Tales.)
By Raphael Awen
Life is about growth and change. Not even death affords an escape from this reality; for death is not a cessation of being, but only more change.
Our journey into and through a physical life is a great metaphor and reflects this reality. Our soul being accepts the journey of taking on human flesh. This journey into human flesh begins as the microscopic combination of sperm and egg, which gives way to a time of exponential growth and change, becoming comfortable and familiar with a home environment, only to be burped out into a brand new world, and then another. Infancy gives way to toddlerhood, which gives way to childhood, then adolescence, teen years, adulthood, mid-life, and into our fullness of life, and completion of a life.
Our soul chose the change of taking on human flesh, human emotion, human gender, and human experience.
You chose to incarnate.
You chose to change.
You chose to surrender to having needs and desires.
Most of us forget this for much of our lives or even for many entire lifetimes. Most of us become attached to belief systems and ways of life that enable us to maintain this forgetfulness of the power and presence of our choice. We do this at almost any cost.
This is not without good reason. In our power, we chose human life; we chose vulnerability. We are unable to escape human vulnerability with any obtainable thing or relationship. In fact, every desirable thing you obtain only heightens the fear of losing that good thing. Even life itself, we fear losing. Most of us can barely stand to feel the utter susceptibility we find ourselves in. We’d rather effort a myriad of feelings and distractions to not have to feel this vulnerability.
Strangely, we put our power in service of denying our vulnerability. In so doing, we miss out on the magic of both.
You have most likely structured your relationship with life to provide you with a sense that life is happening to you. Like a monk who has chosen life in a monastery, you surrender to an arrangement of what you can expect in return for what you are expected to give. Life is fearfully bigger than you. You make a deal for some predictability, some security, and accept the monotony that comes with that. All of this as an exchange to maintain the sense that life is safely bigger than you.
Now, you get to feel like you are riding the waves of life as best you can with the choices you have. You have outsmarted life. You have surrendered to it. You have made yourself smaller than life. You let life circumstance direct and lead you. Aren’t you spiritual? Aren’t you surrendered? You have given yourself to God (in some form) and God will take care of you.
What if this is only a set up perception of life from this part of you that hasn’t reconciled itself to the vulnerability you find yourself in?
What if life isn’t actually happening to you, but instead, you are happening to life?
You are not the victim of another person, or an illness, God or any devil, a slowing economy, aging or any other of the multitude of things that are felt to occur to us.
What if life is only and ever reflecting back to you the power of your choice?
What if life is in such deep and reverent gratitude to you for the gift of your power filled surrender to human vulnerability that life only wants to reflect back to you your power and greatness?
Victor Frankl, author of Man’s Search For Meaning, shares his experience in the hell hole of a nazi concentration camp where he came to the deep and profound realization that it was he and only he that could interpret and apply meaning to his experience. His captors, he came to realize, had not even the slightest ability to take that power from him unless he gave it to them.
What meanings are you applying to the circumstances you find yourself in? Are the circumstances happening to you or are you responsible for creating and drawing these circumstances to yourself? What is life and its never ending change wanting to awaken you to?
What courageous step is life asking you to take now in this never ending discovery of who and what you are?
What are you done with that’s time to let go of? A relationship? An identity? A habit pattern? A way of life?
What are you ready to embrace and allow entrance into your life?
What courage are you in possession of that can fuel your next step?
Life only and ever wants to take you into more of you. Life understands your fear, for it has felt its own fear of the life that it finds itself in. Life invites you out to play, to discover, to be curious of who and what you will become around the corner of your next choice.
Raphael Awen hails from SoulFullHeart Sanctuary. You can also track him on twitter via @raphaelawen, or on facebook: facebook.com/raphaelawen1. Please visit our Patreon Page if you’d like to support SoulFullHeart Sanctuary. We’d love to receive your support.
(This is Part Nine of the ongoing blog series: Golden Earth Tales.)
By Raphael Awen
I hope you’ve been enjoying this series and that it has been tweaking your feelings and your awareness on different levels and in different ways.
We’ve covered together how who and what ‘you’ perceive ‘yourself’ to be is but a fraction of who and what you really are as a human being, as a person, as a self. We looked together at how the self, both in its essence and its expression, is something closer to Infinite Love. We may be limited in our use of linguistics to describe this reality, but our ‘Arising Isness,’ as we called it, is powerfully unlimited.
We stretched our consciousness together in the previous eight blogs to get a feeling tone of what we are speaking about. I encourage you to take in each of those prior blogs with an open and desirous heart before taking in this one, as we are going to take this to a new level today that I hope blows your mind.
But first, a little lead-in…
You are awareness. You are consciousness. You are not your body. You are not your emotions. You are not your mind. You have a mind. You have emotions and you have a body. What holds body, mind and emotion in containment is consciousness.
You may be new to this idea that you are an awake and aware consciousness, and you may not readily see yourself as a consciousness. I would say then that you are less conscious of being a consciousness. Your consciousness is not then a big part of your waking awareness. If this is true, then you have more of a ‘density’ and less of a ‘porosity’ in your aware sense of self. This density then is an energetic block or filter to you having deepening and growing self-awareness.
Everything I’ve said so far today I don’t think would be too different from so many spiritual practices that are out there today. I may be using unfamiliar words, but the energy is the same. Even Christianity, as I practiced it for most of my life, was about expanding my sense and experience of self into a place of being ‘filled with the Holy Spirit’ that was meant to color my life. Also imperative in Christianity was holding an identity of ‘who I am in Christ’ as an elevation of consciousness. Daily devotional practice of prayer and meditation in the scripture was intended to induce an inner change of self-awareness.
Buddhism, Hinduism, and Judaism alike all offer something similar in that they want to raise your consciousness to something they deem as some kind of a higher plane. This blog series is no different in that sense. Soulfullheart is also no different in that sense in that it too seeks to raise consciousness to something different from the more common or status quo.
I’d like to make a grand deviation today from this common denominator of all spiritual practice. I’d like to offer you something truly new and different from every spiritual path that I’m aware of. I believe this has the power to truly rock your world in a profound sense.
That is of course, if you’re up for it. Please open your heart, feel your desire, fasten your seatbelt and come with me for a ride. Come fully and then decide what your truth is. Here’s the ride:
All spiritual practice is greatly limited by a self-perception of oneself being a single personality. Of course the ‘you’ that considers itself a single personality is a single personality, but that is because this is in fact only a single part of you doing your life as you. ‘You’ have in effect been hijacked by a part of you and you don’t even know it.
You are in fact a ‘multiple personality’ within a larger conscious awareness. What you call ‘you’ is in fact a whole family of personalities, sharing a body and a mind. I hope this isn’t such a stretch for you to see, because it really feels like a ‘no, duh’ to me.. ‘how could we have missed this huge piece?’
Like any family, there is inside of you a huge range of being what we call functional or dysfunctional depending on the long list of family dynamics at play. Power plays, shutdowns, pleaser roles, etc., with all of these coming from distinct parts or subpersonalities of yourself, to make up what you have just called ‘you’ up till now.
We’ve been told that being a ‘multiple personality’ is a disorder that one needs to seek therapy for. I’m telling you that the true disorder is rather a perception of being a ‘single personality’. The ‘you’ that leads most people’s lives and does everything from their spiritual seeking to their careers and their relationships is only one part of them, or one part of them in a strategic alliance with another part to give it its functionality or dysfunctionality. This is the part of them that is running their life and doing their life. It is primarily a part of you that is reading this series, evaluating it, and deciding if this new idea I’m offering today is for ‘you’ or not.
A part of you may be having a big reaction to my line of reasoning today. I’m writing provocatively to press this part of you and its distinct reaction into your awareness in an attempt to make my point.
Could this really be? Could it be that you are not anywhere close to the integrated being that you imagined yourself to be? If this is true, it really explains so much. It takes huge pressure off of yourself. It also puts a new and healthy pressure on you to discover who you really are.
Up till now, you see, with this perception of yourself being a single personality, there is only this poorly equipped primary part of you holding your ‘you show.’ You are in fact a whole cast of characters seeking to get their needs met and adapting in a host of ways and means inside of you – all the while only under the care of this primary part of you. It’s like a teenager barely old enough and responsible enough to babysit has been charged with doing life.
What I want to impress upon you today is that a profound change occurs when you let in this self-perception that I am offering you. Then it changes again another huge degree when a new and deeper sense of self can arise as a healthy parent to these parts of you. This is nothing less than a tsunami of change to let into your life, and some careful consideration is called for.
If you wish to go on doing your life as you’ve known and perceived yourself to be as a single and unified self, you of course have most of current consciousness to support you in that choice. I personally would not trade what I have discovered in coming to know myself as a tapestry of parts for anything, especially not for alignment with a deeply suffering and struggling collective consciousness.
In this blog series, we’ve looked at ‘you’ as being an individual or an ‘in-divi-dual.’ In that, we saw that a human being is this paradoxical ‘duality that can’t be divided.’ The duality we are talking about is on one hand a ‘singleness’ of being and on the other hand an ‘allness’ of being that can’t be singled out. This whole range of being is like a cosmic projection of the Infinite Love that is the essence of all life – projecting itself onto a screen where you show up as a you. If any of this sounds confusing, that’s because it is confusing! We don’t at the best of times have much of a clue as to what and who we are. We settle for measly roles and identities to make up for this unbearable wonder of being that we are. This blog series has been an attempt so far to expand out your sense of self into the cosmic realities we’ve dove into together.
Where I want to take you in today’s blog is to feel into that who you feel yourself to be in this cosmic sense is very different from who you feel yourself to be in an everyday sense. Embracing the cosmic Nondual, as it is called, into your waking reality is a challenge that most people seeking it become very focused on and dedicated to. I’m saying that the reasons behind your interest (or disinterest), focus and struggle have to do with this entire undiscovered world of you being a tapestry of parts, rather than the single personality that has been running your you show up till now.
There’s this magical and expanded sense of self that extends into and includes no less than all of life and the universe. Then I am offering that the single you, the you that differs from me, is in fact an entire another wild ride of discovery into yourself as being so much more again than you imagined.
So, how does this ride land in you, or part of you rather? Does part of you feel ready to let go of doing your ‘you show’ the way he or she has? Is part of you ready for a new you to show up that hasn’t been around up till now?
‘Part of me’ so enjoyed sharing its passion with you today. ‘I’ enjoyed feeling this part of me express its passion.
I invite you and your parts to read more about parts of yourself, in an article Jelayan and I wrote in an article here.
Raphael Awen hails from SoulFullHeart Sanctuary. You can also track him on twitter via @raphaelawen, or on facebook: facebook.com/raphaelawen1. Please visit our Patreon Page if you’d like to support SoulFullHeart Sanctuary. We’d love to receive some of your money!