father wounding – SoulFullHeart Experience

Today I have been feeling how much my leadership and relationality is rooted in the legacy of my birth father. My relationship to Power, Adequacy, and Vulnerability come in large part from my modelling of it from him. I am not blaming, I am noting, realizing, and taking responsibility for that. I get to change the course on that one by feeling and owning where it lives in me.

What also lives in me are the ways in which he modelled something healthy and true. None of us are all good or all bad. We have qualities we have a sense of ‘mastery’ over and other qualities we don’t. When I have felt that ‘not so good’ feeling about myself or my place in the world, I know there is something rooted in what I was steeped in as a child, as well as the collective and the soul.

As I have continued to step more into my worth, mission, and leadership, I can feel the ways in which I am healing that legacy within me. The shadow and the wounding get to come front and center and I can be with that in a compassionate way, not as it being a ‘part of the problem’. My father gave birth to my own version of ‘father’ that is now coming online as a leader, space-holder, and way-shower.

My own Fatherhood is about feeling my own empowerment (worth), care for others (compassion), and directness (truth-telling). These all come from a process around Power, Adequacy, and Vulnerability. It brings what lies in the Shadow into the Light not to be analysed or judged, but felt, seen, and integrated. I have a new relationship to these three portals now that I can feel how both my birth father and my inner father have related to and experienced them.

We don’t need to be, or haven’t needed to be, a father in this life to feel where this energy lies within each of us. When we go into these doorways, we are taking one step further into not just our own healing but the healing of the collective and the planet. The Patriarchy is rooted in Disempowerment, Inadequacy, and Invulnerability. It doesn’t feel good about itself. Actually, it feels like shit about itself. It is also existentially afraid of its own shadow. This lives in our own inner patriarchs/fathers. The wheel will continue to spin unless we address these things. No amount of suppressing and non-feeling will get us there. It may be a messy process at times, but so very needed.

If you are resonating or curious about this for yourself, Raphael Awen and I are hosting a Men’s Group Call on this very thing this Saturday, March 27 at 5pm GMT (London Time). It will be a two-hour call with a guided meditation to meet an Inner Protector aspect (possibly your inner father) that holds the keys to these doorways. It will be over Zoom for a donation of any amount. Go to this link for more info and how to donate:

www.soulfullheart.org/mensgroupcalls

We both look forward to connecting with men that are feeling the struggle yet desire for healing and perspective around these emotions and energies with compassion and hopefully offer some going-on places as well.

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Aurius Amara is a SoulFullHeart Facilitator for both men and women. Visit https://www.soulfullheart.org for more information about sessions, group calls/events, videos, community, etc.

by Kalayna Colibri

I feel Him offering me His arms when my heart responds to my mate in Sacred Union. I feel Him offering me His heart when parts of me need healthy ‘dad’ energy. I feel Him energizing healthy sexuality and beholding of me as a woman. I feel Him in my beloved connections with men, including my mate and my beloved soul friend, who aren’t afraid to go INward, seeking and finding parts and soul aspects of them that need healing, with an undying curiosity and love that then gets to overflow to me in connection with them. I have experienced so much healing and softening because of the love I get to share with these conscious and heart-healing men.

Yet, it wasn’t always this way for me.

In 2011, my birth father passed away. Even then I had a sense of reality around my relationship with my father… that many tones and frequencies that I needed as a growing, budding woman were missing in my relationship with him. I experienced a lot of intense grief when he died, and over time I began to realize that some of this grief wasn’t really about losing ‘him’ but about lost opportunities in our relationship. Parts of me were actually quite angry with him for having ‘bailed’ before he ever became the father to me that he could have been. I’ve had process too around how he could never really see me, especially as a woman, and how he hadn’t been able to energize anything healthily towards me about my budding sexuality, offering me no healthy template for what I was looking for in a mate. I don’t hold my father in contempt around any of this anymore, as this was clearly a contract we both signed up for and quite frankly it feels like without these and many other voids and gaps in our relationship this life, maybe I wouldn’t have been as compelled towards the growth trajectories I’ve now been on that have made me who I am today.

Letting in the Sacred Masculine in the form of guides and as I mentioned, sacred friendship, vulnerable teacher/student, and Sacred Union relationship, has been a deep process for me of feeling through these ways in which my own father couldn’t ‘show up’, feeling how this relates for parts of me to the Divine Father and also to mates, and working with ‘inner father’ frequencies of patriarch and also masculine protectors. I’ve had blocks to truly being able to see, feel and experience the sacred masculine in its beautiful willingness to get messy and tangle with whatever it needs to in order to discover itself anew, its ability to feel and embrace the sacred feminine without wounded frequencies of control, belittling, distancing, or abuse of any kind, and its embracement of the mirror that allows it to go back into itself, finding the shadow pieces it needs and wants to work, coming out the other side with even more sense of personal power and potency. The sort of masculine frequencies that make you go ‘RAWR!’ in response to its lovingly penetrative energy and melt into its open-hearted desire for you to be the woman you are meant to be, in all of your curves and softness and self-discovery and healing of your own, in response, in an exquisite partnered dance, through leaning into the organic (and orgasmic) leadership of the authentic and vulnerable King…

It does feel as if we can miss out on letting in these incredible energies, even as they knock on our heart doors, wanting to come into us, to love up our entire being, if we aren’t willing to look at our relationship with our birth fathers. It’s a brave journey and one that can be quite hard too, yet with the right support from those who have been there, it is held in the sacredest of spaces and at a rate and pace that you and your parts are ready for. The yumminess of what I am able to let in more and more now, only lights me up more as I continue to feel it and feel the unfolding mystery of its unfolding in my life. There is no single definition that describes it and in its ever arising love and creativity, I feel so much warmth and comfort for my healing woman’s heart and my ever-deepening femininity. I feel how this could be true for all women who embrace the process of feeling the mark of their birth fathers and also other masculine influences in their lives, but I also feel this for men, who so feel to be aching for something missing inside of themselves that they long to experience, that is so different than how their own fathers were or are.

The sacred masculine wants to offer you space to explore yourself within it, providing a dock for your self-made container for all of the YOU-ventures that await you. And if it’s truly ‘time’ for you to do so, you won’t be able to ignore the clarion call of the fire and love it wants to gift you with to help you illuminate and be with your personal process of opening your ever-healing heart. ❤

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Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart Facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 35, emoto-spiritual teacher, WayShower, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, soul scribe, and poetess. Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.