By Raphael Awen
I’ve been feeling into a push-pull kind of feeling inside of myself in regards to serving men. Consciously, I’ve been waiting and wanting to serve men, and wondering why they are slow to respond. Subconsciously, I was recently guided to feel if there’s a part of me or my Metasoul who is reticent to serve men, and thus creates an energy field of repelling men away, or possibly, works as some kind of invisibility shield where men are concerned to what I offer.
I am brought back in my memory to an aspect in my Metasoul that was/is in the Atlantis timeline, named Mordecai. I felt him originally as a counterpart soul mate to a part that Jelelle uncovered in her Atlantis timeline. Since that initial brief contact, my awareness and process with him became elusive as it seems this aspect of my soul was hunkered down in a place of penance over his regrets of what he was directly involved in and responsible for during the fall of Atlantis.
I write to transparently share his and my story as a reaching out to men. What holds any one of us back from our true and deep (even infinite) potential? Why would we settle for good enough, or worse, for ongoing suffering? Why would we believe, and then go on to manifest according to that belief, that this is ‘as good as it gets’?
As I feel into Mordecai’s reticence to come forward to be felt, and his shame and penance, I feel a wall of shame for having been compromised by dealing with dark forces/beings like the Draco, who manipulated with shiny benefits in exchange for achieving dominance. Mordecai gave over his sovereignty and autonomy to a group of beings that he was deceived into believing that they would be to the fulfillment of his power, rather than to the diminishment of it. As painful and as wrong as that was, it wasn’t just Mordecai’s own fate that was embroiled in these ‘dealings with the devil’, but the fate of an entire civilization as he was given great and powerful leadership and trust by the people in the Atlantis timeline. It cuts like a knife now to feel so deeply how this could have been different had he not abused that trust and power given to him, had he chose differently. The story of why and how it all came to be is now a murky soup of questions and regrets that any after the game armchair quarterbacking only makes for more questions than real answers. What has remained immovable is the remainder – the non-divisible leftover of regret and torment for having been responsible for so much loss.
As I relate this to my own life story, I see how my draw to Christianity earlier this life has for Mordecai, had much to do with seeking of forgiveness, and also give up my sovereignty to God, to surrender it to the divine as a way to not have to face the possibility of messing it up like that ever again.
I see also, how in my career choice, while I had longings and aspirations to places of influence and leadership inside of my truer passion purpose and gifts of teaching and healing, and leading a cavalry of men, I humbly settled for earning my living as a contractor, maintaining peoples homes, where this part of me could feel assured that we wouldn’t ever again be a part of the harm we were directly involved in Atlantis. I always inevitably came to a wall of feeling bigger and constantly outgrowing the group or paradigm I was working hard to surrender to and serve in some way.
Thirteen years ago, after years of process and wrestling with just what my truth was, I came to what was yet a sudden and surprising realization for many parts of me that I was done with Christianity, that I was not in my truth to pretend that I could integrously remain a part of it. Trouble was though, that my entire social world was totally invested there. All friends, family, wife of 23 years to the week, and late teenage beloved daughters were not feeling anything of what I was inclined to. I knew very well enough what the stakes were. I chose to utter the words quietly aloud to a few around me that I no longer held Jesus as my personal savior and that one admission was enough to dissolve the foundations of my life as I’d known it up until that time, and launch a path into a complete unknown.
Now, I can feel Mordecai’s pain around this too. His need to hunker down in a shoebox container of a safe tradition and attempt to eke out a penance of an existence caused yet another meltdown, another destruction, and more heart wrenching pain to others.
Staying small however is simply running completely out of ground. There is nowhere to turn, but to live into my true bigness. I’ve known this for a long time, and have repeatedly chosen it time and time again, but, as I said, it has been met with mixed results where drawing and inspiring like minded and hearted men is concerned. I feel now where this has had to do with Mordecai’s unresolved and unfelt pain.
I was able to take this reality of limited external influence to deepen into what moves in my soul and brings me to his place today. It has brought me to feeling every barrier to being love and serving love that lives in me. I’m not under any illusion that I don’t have more of these places to feel, that will arise in relationship with others and time.
This resistance to love however is not what disqualifies me, but rather what qualifies me, as I am willing to feel out loud and transparently what arises as it arises. In this way, in each of our individual healing journeys, as it is held and revealed to us and our world, we ‘trans-parent’ a new world into being; one that never existed before, but only in energy and spirit form inside of us. This world of what once existed only in energy and spirit is now materializing from the great Mother/‘Mater’ that we are.
Atlantis was great beyond imagination, but also buried in her foundations were compromises that would compromise her and bring about her eventual demise.
I feel how Mordecai has lived inside of my soul field in my Metasoul as a quiet, and reticent, but always in deep observance and amazement of any great undertaking. Stories like the sinking of the Titanic reverberate with so many themes of hubris and power gone to seed; gone to seed a great death and a great rebirth. Every time, I’ve observed a great construction project, I’ve felt both his marvel and his regret; his all too real feeling awareness of the inadequate and shallow foundations underneath it all; how it takes more than physical engineering and patriarchal power structures and culture to uphold any construct; how we cannot sacrifice the feminine and expect the masculine to get its needs met in any kind of true fulfilling way.
I feel how Mordecai is now willing and wanting to accept my proposal to turn his penance and desire to pay back society towards accepting his largesse of being rather than continuing to live into his self prescribed hell of penance and smallness. Now, he is able to feel his more vulnerable need for movement and change over his readiness to suffer in a kind of painful, but invulnerable private diminished world. He knows the greatness that lived and still lives in him. I ask him to consider now, that the true return of the Atlantean treasure to its rightful owners could better be served by his willingness to again inhabit his largesse of being. I ask him to consider how that his remaining small and in invulnerable penance would only be to the ongoing harm and diminishment of many, who long for new timelines and leadership. I feel his awakening and agreement rumbling inside of me. The portal of these times provides clarity, momentum and the logistics necessary to act, to choose, to rise again; to let-in love, to let-out all the tears that get need to be shed and dearly felt in so doing.
I feel my native hunger that has always lived in me to find the fellow knights of my round table. I feel my Metasoul connection also to the Arthurian legend and timeline, that is only called legend by those who lack another name for it; the name of now. Arthur is now. Mordecai is now. It’s all available and waiting in the Now.
Now, the memory turns into a rememberance, a ‘being re-membered together with’, with those we were dis-membered from; all of it in service of a perfect creation of worlds that haven’t existed before, but await our readiness and power.
I write to men. I call to men. I write to the Sacred Masculine that lives in men and women alike. I declare my desire and readiness along with acknowledging at the same time my reticence to serve men, and this reticent Masculine; in order to serve my highest timeline. Nothing needs to be overcome or suppressed in order to achieve in these new arising domains of being, but instead lovingly embraced as the seed of our ever present infinite being out experiencing a full drama of leaving and then returning to the fullness we always were and are, but couldn’t quite come to know and feel, until we enter this Now.
I invite men into this journey that I have undertaken, that I have chosen and found a path into, if it resonates and calls to you, not as my truth, but as a manifestation of your truth. What is your next step? Could association with me and my beloveds serve your arising being?
I know your choice of your next step and Higher timeline will serve my arising being! I long to serve and to be around the true and Sacred Masculine that is willing to move with the changes and callings that are arising Now.
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Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc. Visit our donations page to offer a monthly or one time money donation to support our offerings.