Author: Raphael Awen

Ascension/Divine Union Teacher. Parts/Soul Aspects Facilitator. Soul Scribe.

Subtle Energy for Beginners Series ~ Day Three ~ Spirit And Matter Are One

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By Raphael Awen

Are you starting to see how we’ve made energy experiences into something they are not; how we’ve elevated them to some false definition, a false separation of ourselves from the world of energy that then excludes us from seeing and feeling ourselves as energy? We created our own reality where we only experience the third dimension and mainstream reality perception as real.

(Go here to find all the posts in this series: https://goo.gl/WqWXXb)

My more literal conditioned mind doesn’t quite grok the ‘fish in denial of water’ analogy. I don’t deny the air around me. It’s right here. I can feel it in my lungs and in the breeze. However, when I ‘feel’ air on a far more subtle and energetic level, I feel how this vital source of energy is energizing every cell in my body, every moment of every day – most of which, I don’t usually give a second thought. I ‘take it for granted.’ I minimize it, or I’d be walking around awestruck and quite dysfunctional to any task at hand.

This points to the whole challenge of ‘reverence’ vs. ‘taking for granted’ and this challenge is at root of our ability to embrace the reality of ourselves as energy. Taking something for granted is just that, owning it as yours by right of having been granted it, rather than receiving it with gratitude. One is entitled and shut down. The other is reverential and in awe and wonder.

We have nothing that didn’t come to us by way of a gift. It wasn’t ours to begin with, so it is reverence and gratitude that acknowledges and possesses the ability to truly receive and enjoy the gift. I enter or exit the world of energy by my willingness to enter the world of gratitude and reverence. Gratitude and reverence are the keys to the portal of the world of subtle energy.

This again so puts willingness above ability as the portal to experiencing energy. We’ve made it about some kind of exotic ability as part of our resistance to change, choosing to perceive some people as unusually gifted, and ourselves, not so much.

There are credible reasons about what would incline us to exclude ourselves from the world of energy in this way, as well as to segregate ourselves into a perception of our materialistic expression being different from our spiritual expression.

We are on a deep soul level, from our original birth as souls, predisposed to an understandable ingratitude and irreverence and that has to do with a soul-birth-trauma reticence of not wanting to re-experience the pain of deep change and loss with another shape-shift into seemingly entire new worlds of being. We’re like the screaming child not wanting to leave its parent’s side to enter school or to be left in the church nursery.

Gratitude and reverence are keys that unlock more change and we’re far from sure that’s any good thing. Parts of us hold a reticence to expand while other parts of us ache to grow.

Our birth as souls out from the Divine was a huge alteration of the reality (energy) that we once were into a new one, and this required a forgetting and a veil for it to be true enough for us to receive the benefits we intended. This is the same veil we wrestle with when we try to come to terms with our reality as energy. It is a homesickness so deep in our souls that we are not ready to feel for fear that to feel it would surely cease our existence in our more familiar domain. We are caught between these two worlds, one known subconsciously in our essence, the other known experientially in physical form. We want to remember and we don’t. Both are true, and both need to be felt and honored if we are to make any real entrance into the deeper world of the subtle energy that we are.

We perceive energy as malleable and shifting, whereas the physical we perceive as solid and unchanging. So we desire to deny any other reality as an alien one, to protect the domain we have now. We know all too well, on a soul level, the pain of the deep loss of our original estate. We say we’ll believe in energy when we ‘see’ it, denying the deeper sense of vision we all innately possess as the energy beings we are. Even stranger, we say we’ll believe in energy when we see it, denying that physical sight IS energy!

If you are willing to admit that you are energy, then every experience you are having is an experience of energy and its flow or current. This sets you on the edge of new and infinite frontiers of experience. This also makes you your own authority on what’s real and what isn’t.

It’s your world and you are making it all up as you go. Accepting this, you can begin to really love the parts of you both hungry and hesitant to enter this new and unknown definition of being. You embrace and feel each part of you and the energy they hold and you introduce them to the energy of one another and the energy of your awakening heart to all that is.

Now you are forming your very own anti-gravity device that isn’t bound by time and space constraints like the world we’ve created here in the third dimension. You are opening yourself to all that is.

You are a true beginner, beginning new worlds that are way ahead of everything else! Welcome to your real world where spirit and matter have no dividing line. Spirit and matter are one. When you accept this as what is, you deconstruct a huge wall that was previously constructed between you and the world of subtle energy. Your natural capacities for clairvoyance, clairaudience, and clairsentience arise like an infant learning to walk adapting to the physical world, first toddling, then walking, then running.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Check out our programs: FREE, PREP and DEEP, for a new and profound going-on place in your spiritual and emotional journey at www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/sessions.

Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Subtle Energy for Beginners ~ Day Two ~ You Are Energy

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By Raphael Awen

Thank you for joining me for this ongoing personal exploration into the world of subtle energy. This is Day two. Go here to read this series from the beginning: https://goo.gl/WqWXXb

Here is Day Two:

I was standing near the counter in a crystal store about 8 years ago looking at some of the goodies under the glass counter when a porous looking and feeling fellow around my age came by and we greeted one another. I asked him about his relationship to crystals and energy and he said, as he tapped his finger on the chrome edge of the display counter, ‘It’s all energy. Everything is energy.’ I recall being so intrigued by his words and wishing him to go on. I knew he was correct, my mind just wanted to become more fluent to get it, to be able to explain it. I knew we are all coming more and more to see that the world of spirit and the world of matter are not separate as we imagined them to be AND I knew I had a long ways to go in opening out this awareness.

I still do. We all do.

We get to reinvent our understanding and our experience of life. If part of you honestly doesn’t like life as you’ve known it, this may be for very good reason. This part of you knows that life as you’ve known it, and as you were sold it, is missing something huge, and that something has been hidden in plain sight.

This Subtle Energy For Beginners series will set out to open out and expand that conversation at the crystal store that day. I want to revisit it from ‘beginner’s mind’. I want to begin again and see where in my previous beginning I made certain assumptions about the nature of reality and see if those assumptions are ready to be challenged. I want to re-create my world with a new set of assumptions and try them on for size.

Subtle energy has to do with the ability to track, to feel and even transmit energy fields. Whether it’s a Reiki energy session or a prayer line of a charismatic church service, many are awakening to this world in recent decades, but it’s still quite in its infancy for us collectively, more of a sideshow or a therapy than it is a deeply ingrained natural way of life.

Things like clairvoyance, or ‘clear-seeing’, the ability to see beyond what physical eyesight can see; Clairsentience, or ‘clear-feeling’, the ability to deeply empathically and intuitively feel what the physical five senses cannot; clairaudience, or ‘clear-hearing’, the ability to hear beyond what the ears can hear; all of these are waiting to be integrated into our normal everyday waking reality.

Why is it that this entire world of subtle energy is discredited, disputed and disbelieved by mainstream culture and science?

Why are many who are convinced of subtle energy as being real are conflicted over what is ‘from the dark side’ and what is ‘from the light’?

Why is it that those who do believe in subtle energies struggle to enter and experience this domain abundantly for themselves personally?

I’m going to offer that the answer for all of the above questions has to do with the very same thing; it has to do with the fact that we are energy.

We are energy. We are not the physical body. The physical body is a downstream expression or a manifestation of the energy that we are. Our conditioning so doesn’t get this, and actually doesn’t want to get this either. We are actually afraid of our energetic reality and how seeing ourselves as energy will change our relationship with all of life as we’ve known it up till now.

Our conditioning instead sees the opposite, that the body and its biological physicality are the highest order of reality, and then this conditioning goes on to include, exclude, and measure everything it encounters or aspires to, through that lens.

If it is true; that what we actually are is energy, this takes us back to revisit the question of ‘what is energy?’

The dictionary offers these words to help us understand energy: vitality, vigor, life, liveliness, animation, vivacity, spirit, spiritedness, verve, enthusiasm, zest, vibrancy, spark, sparkle, effervescence, ebullience, exuberance, buoyancy.

At the moment, I like combining all of the above into the words ‘current’ or ‘flow’, kind of similar to how we understand electricity as energy.

We are flow. We are current. Current flows from one polarity to the other. Flow flows ‘from’ and ‘to’. Energy flows by invitation, or by need, we could say.  

What’s current in your life is a current. You are an ever flowing stream called you. You are life force. You are God as God can be.

We’re left in awe and reverence, and opened out to curiosity, with the mind in more unknown than in the known. We don’t really know what we are. We are on a quest with the greatest of questions, seeking to know.

Maybe the best metaphor we have to address this inability-to-know is the familiar one of the fish trying to get a handle on what water is. What we are submerged in, we normalize, we minimize, take for granted and no longer ‘see’ or experience, with any deep reverence.

As we begin to thaw out this frozen awareness of the self perception of being the physical body and begin to start believing, seeing, and feeling subtle energy, we do it from the vantage point of our more familiar sense of physical reality. We naturally make it about having physical experiences of ‘paranormal’ phenomena. Seeing a ghost with your physical sight is naturally thought of as a superior experience to that of ‘sensing’ a ghost; a deeper proof if you will. We have the idea that our supreme five physical senses will become even more supreme with this expanded capacity to see the supernatural. This is a big part of our being limited to grow into our essence as energy.

These persuasions are founded on there actually being a difference between the physical and the energetic, a split between spirit and matter. There isn’t actually a split here, other than the one we imagined, and in turn made seem all too real. It’s time now to uncreate our previously created reality.

Let me ask for a moment, ‘If the physical is energy, that means the five physical senses are also energy, so isn’t smelling a flower also an energetic experience at the same time it is a physical experience?’ So then, it’s all energy – whether seen through the physical eyes or seen through the third eye of intuition. What we’re left with is not so much a question of which is superior, but rather a question if we are ready to live by our expanded perceptions or not. Are we ready to self-validate the world we perceive and see in all of our enlarged capacities?

Let’s stay with our segregated perception of the world between the material and spiritual for a bit longer to help see what we are trying to invite the mind and body into. Where would we experience something, if it didn’t happen in the physical? What would we call that? My sense is to call it whatever you want, but call it something as you are going to need a language and a name to venture any further into this new world we are letting ourselves into.

You could say, you experienced it metaphysically, etherically, or in your mind’s eye, or in your third eye, or in your imagination, all of which are as good a starting place as any.

Keep in mind though, that this delineation about the physical over the metaphysical; or of spirit over matter, isn’t really real, as all of it is energy, just in different forms. It’s all one. There’s no actual difference and there’s no actual hierarchy, except in our conditioning. We’re just delineating it here to try and pry the mind open enough to begin to open up to the energy we are.

Let’s take a field trip in the imagination for a moment to the ice cream shop. Instead of an actual trip to the ice cream shop, let’s imagine one in our minds. Which ice cream shop are you choosing and where is it? What flavors do they have there, and how are they served? Which flavor are you choosing today? Really see this and feel this in your mind’s eye for a moment with as much detail as you can. How does it feel to you to be eating this ice cream? It isn’t long before your body begins to have the physiological reaction of your mouth beginning to water. Your imagination is triggering a deeper experience making it feel more and more real, even tricking the mind, blurring the real from the imagined.

However we file this experience, we have to admit we went somewhere, where even our body and pleasure reactions etc. got activated WITHOUT actually going anywhere physically.

We see that entering a metaphysical experience isn’t nearly as strange as we’ve made it out to be. In fact, all of us do it all the time in so many ways. Where ‘is’ someone, when they are bored in school or in a meeting and we say, ‘they’re here, but not here’? Their body may be present, but their attention (energy) is somewhere else.

Ask any man if they ever had an intense experience looking at pornography. Ask any woman if they ever had an intense experience reading a romance novel. These experiences are powerful energy experiences, so powerful in fact, that they form strong alternative-reality addictions for us as a species, where we want and are vulnerable to something we don’t currently have. And all of it is going somewhere energetically and emotionally in the imagination.

The imagination is a portal in this way. You are energy and you always were. Open up now to the energy that you are.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Check out our programs: FREE, PREP and DEEP, for a new and profound going-on place in your spiritual and emotional journey at www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/sessions.

Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

The Loss Of Our Original Estate

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By Raphael Awen

A wave of some really deep tears moved through for me yesterday.

The feelings began with some initial feelings of missing people and places from my past, but didn’t linger long there, as it seems I’ve felt so much of what needed to be felt in those domains. It was like passing through a small town, and before I knew it. I was coming out the other side.

What was on the other side was deeper feelings of a deeper missing. I could feel that I came from a Star family, and that it was connection and exchange with this family that I was missing on a deeper level.

My life here on Gaia was and is a chosen journey intended for certain benefits. The requirement however to be able to be here to complete the journey was and is however a necessary forgetting. Like an anesthetic or a freezing procedure when going to the dentist, we needed to forget our deeper identity in order to inhabit a lesser identity. We call this forgetting the veil.

Through waves of tears, I felt an ache to see and live beyond this veil. The ache felt intense, yet I could feel I was being asked to let in as much of the ache as I could comfortably bear. As I opened my third eye for a moment, I felt an entire surround of ‘alien’ beings, looking at me, curious about what I was feeling, with me likewise, curious about them. This necessary forgetfulness veil I could sense had a lot to do with us coming up with the conviction that we are the only ones out here, as well as our selection and use of the word ‘alien’, denoting others who don’t belong.

The tears filled a couple of hours and I was wanting to find the outbreath of comfort for what I was feeling. I asked for help from the middle of this cloud of ache, and the fear of not ever finding my way back home.

A deeper awareness filled me then. I was made aware that this ache to remember is what is at root of all of our differences and animosities with each other, even all war and conflict, with self and with other. This ache to remember also has to do with all of our so called ‘attachments’. It all comes back to a cellular kind of memory of a feeling of having deeply lost an even deeper family than our Star family, stemming back all the way to the loss of our original estate. (More on this below, it’s a bit hard to be linear in the moment)

We attach to lesser states for fear of recapitulating (triggering) this loss. We feel that to feel this loss would surely be the loss of us, so we busy ourselves with protecting and building a lesser estate, to keep the roof patched from the rain of remembrance from dripping through,…this lesser estate hopefully assuaging the pain of the loss of our original estate, that we aren’t ready to feel.

Then, I was given an awareness that this source of all our conflict also happens to be our deepest common denominator. We conflict in order to avoid further loss and to avoid feeling where we actually came from.

What we are as beings is an alteration of a higher reality. We are real as real can be, but we are an alteration of a parent reality. We long to know and feel that parent reality intimately. This is the truth of every one of us Gaians, with all of our differences. It’s also true of everyone of the multitude of other Star families, with all of their differences. We are all alterations of a parent reality, and therein lies our suffering.

These were the deeper tears, the great collective tears I was invited into the aching room somewhere near the heart of the universe to feel.

When we feel this profound commonality that we share with all being, and the veil of forgetfulness that necessitated our inhabitation of this alteration and seeming departure from our parent reality, we see our oneness with all being.

We even see that the bullies on the playground are actually seeking the very same things we are, just going about it differently.

Then I was given a great sense that we are all, every last one of us, from every last domain, all finding our way back home simultaneously. No one gets ‘left behind’. This came as a great comfort to the parts of me and my Metasoul who still hold the fear of just that: not finding my (and their) fullest return to Source.

Somehow, some way, for specific beneficial reasons, we choose this, and we are all suffering from the same loss, and enduring the same awakening.

After a nights sleep to digest, I feel about as born again as I ever have, being invited into a vulnerable and brave new world.

It’s not that there still isn’t lots to be remembered. It’s that I get to savor each morsel of remembering with less fear of having to rush through the meal.

I never actually lost an ounce of the sacredness of my being, it has only felt that way. There are no ‘aliens’, but only others who at core, share the same core identical fears and desires as I. Wow!

Thank you for reading. Thank you for feeling.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Check out our programs: FREE, PREP and DEEP, for a new and profound going-on place in your spiritual and emotional journey at www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/sessions.

Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Subtle Energy for Beginners ~ Day One

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By Raphael Awen

Ever felt left out of the picture when it comes to experiencing something beyond your five physical senses? I know I have. I could tell the people around me were experiencing something, and yet I couldn’t feel, track or transmit it like they could.

It was maddening. I didn’t doubt it was real; I just couldn’t feel it like I so desperately wanted to.

This ongoing series of blog posts is a love letter to that part of me who was stuck in a perception of being excluded, of being less-than somehow.

My truth today is that we are all energy workers. We are all energy healers. We can all channel. We can all receive and transmit energy. We can all be clairvoyant, clairaudient and clairsentient. We are actually doing these things all the time, but many of us just don’t realize it. In this series, we’re looking to REAL-ize this reality; for you; for the part of you who doesn’t get it; and for those around you.

We’re going to pause on looking to the ‘experts’ for fear of falling prey to the expert mentality; that you need an outside bigger-than-you source. I’m not an expert and don’t ever wish to be one. I’m a beginner and hope to remain that way. I am willing to share with you what I’ve learned thus far, that I think you will find quite profound, but that doesn’t make me an expert. It makes me someone you have authorized to reflect your Higher Self reality so that you can integrate it into your everyday experience. Did you catch that? The authorization comes from you, not me. You are the authority here. Experts don’t like you to know that as it often undermines their need to keep you small and dependent on them. I want you to be big, and I want to be big along with you. In fact, I need to share what I have, and I need to find those interested in what I have to share, in order to keep on growing into my own infinite bigness.

I’ll take that over expertise any day.

We’re going to find that the world of subtle energy isn’t nearly as far removed from us as we’ve been led to believe by our conditioning. It’s all around us in this very moment. We think we lack the ability to tune it, or track it, or transmit it, when what is far more accurate, is that the real lack is not so much in the ability, as it is in the willingness. That’s good news, because willingness is something much more accessible and immediate than ability. Ability admittedly has to do with practice and learning, but what precedes ability is a willingness to try. I think you will be amazed at what meets you as you step out into the captivating world of a genuine childlike willingness to try.

I’ll explore that point more as we go, but suffice it to say for now, that it is how you begin a thing that determines how you finish a thing. We’re beginning with beginner’s mind; the world of not-knowing, where even what we think we already know can be redeemed into the world of utter awe and wonder. From there, we can sail magically deeper and deeper into the unknown. I do suspect however, that while we will grow immensely, we will never reach any coveted certified place of expertise as each new level of discovery and experience causes us to feel an increased sense of NOT how much we know, but instead how much we don’t know.

If you are beginning with a pain of how much you don’t know; how much you don’t experience; how much you long to know and experience something deeper in your everyday waking reality, then you are at the true precipice of creation. You are filling your gas tank for the journey ahead. You won’t get anywhere on an empty tank. The gas is made up of the admission of your desire and your frustration, both of which are sacred, and allowing that to create momentum inside of yourself.

There’ll be resistances to feel and parts of yourself to negotiate with as they fear your departure from consensus reality, and all that could entail in your current relationships with people and life as you’ve known it. This is another good thing. You won’t need to railroad any part of you into some spiritual discipline that turns you into a freak show at the expense of the part of you who likes what it likes in your current life. You can feel and negotiate each change as it unfolds to make room for deeper energetic and emotional experience of a profoundly changing and magical journey into changing the unknown into the known and cycling ever deeper into the unknown.

You get to feel it all as you go. You get to embody and reclaim all of your unique sacred humanity as you go.

Join me for this ongoing series and share with others in the room what you are feeling and experiencing. Let’s take the quest of our deepest questions into the space with the heart and mind of a curious child. Let’s forget what we think we know long enough at least to open our hearts and minds to deeper layers of reality, and then deeper layers yet, beyond those newly discovered layers.

For today’s beginning, let’s remember that there is no greater true expertise than being in and at the beginning. Life and energy is always beginning again, moving and taking us somewhere we haven’t yet been. If we claim any expertise, let it be about knowing how to surrender to not-knowing in our quest to know.

Beginners only need apply. No experience necessary.

Raphael Awen
soulfullheartwayoflife.com/sessions

March 21 is our Unity Meditation Group Call – details here: Free March Equinox New Earth Activations Unity Meditation Call
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Check out our programs: FREE, PREP and DEEP, for a new and profound going-on place in your spiritual and emotional journey at www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/sessions.

Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Day 4 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

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Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen Day 4

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 4 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here: https://goo.gl/CgrWXZ)

Raphael: Top of the morning crew! Beautiful Motley Crew! It’s 4:44 am on December 24, and I’m feeling good to go again, running on some new high octane adrenaline. How is everyone else doing?, who wants to check in?

Rhodes: Hello Everyone. This is Rhodes. I’m liking the recap yesterday, Raphael, that you started in on of your earliest journey into the whole God awareness thing, which was also my earliest journey this life of awakening. I’m hoping you’ll continue on those stories. I know I was there for all of that, but there is a way, I never felt any of that then. I just was that. What I’m feeling now is the comparison of one on hand, the backdrop of our desires to go to new and expanded places of consciousness that we can’t even quite name or fathom yet, though it’s fun to try for sure, compared with this tension of feeling the past, and overlaying it onto the future, side by side in the Now, and somehow that opens a portal, an entry portal. And until we feel the so called past, then we aren’t done with it. The whole point of the past was the feeling of it, so if we haven’t felt it, we’re not done with it, or it isn’t done with us, and is very much in the Now. That’s what I’m feeling.

Merlin: Rhodes, you’ve been totally holding out on us. That is some really cool shit. The drama of our stories are a storehouse of magic that we’ve collectively been afraid of up till now. The magic contained in our stories gets activated the more we are willing to feel it, but most fear the unknown of their own magic and where it wants to take them. I’m dying to have some fun, and this challenge before us of attempting to connect with the Demiurge feels as exciting as it gets. I do get the need to feel the past, to dial it into the present, to let the past time-travel into the Now, where there is a curious heart for it to land in that wasn’t there before. Hell, take me for instance, I didn’t even know I existed up until recently, till Raphael was willing to realize my reality, bridge me into his dimension, so I could feel my own dimension and then bridge between the two.

Raphael: My goodness, I have to like pause for minutes after one of you speaks to let in the bandwidth of the frequencies you are vibrating at, and even then, I’m hesitant to break the spell. How cool that is! It adds to the adrenaline I’ve been on the past few days adjusting to these new frequencies, since all this started and it is really exciting. Metatron, I have to ask your input before I go back to my journey…

Metatron: I’m luvin’ it. I’m loving the feeling and healing space here. I know all of us have questions about how we are going to gain audience with the Demiurge, and then wondering what his demeanor towards us will be, if and when we do gain audience, and I’m feeling in all of that, a ‘not-knowing our way to knowing’. It’s so freeing to admit our cluelessness and just want what we want. I’ve learned that from watching you actually, Raphael, over and over again, and I never get tired of the lesson. It always comes out in the wash.

Raphael: Morning love fest! Thank you. I’ll take that, with room for more. Yumm.

I’m feeling to ask if there’s any trepidation in the room about us talking so freely about the Demiurge. I mean yesterday, who was it, Jim, right, went off about the Bible being horseshit, and then it went a bit downhill from there…even got Merlin swearing…

Rhodes: I’ll take the bait on that one if I may again. I’m still taking in and remembering what you said Metatron from day one that everything, and everyone, and every last stitch of consciousness, gets its lease from love to have existence. That I feel includes the Demiurge, though it’s taken me a while to get there. If that’s true, that even he’s made of love, then he’s just what we see as a strange pretzeled version of love somehow, that we haven’t figured out yet. I’ll bet, we look kind of strange to him too for that matter, so if he needs to make jokes about us, to himself and his cohorts, like we are about him, then I say that’s all good. I just don’t feel like he’s some big boogeyman that has the power to cave the roof in on our heads for talking freely.

Okay, that was a bit spacious, because not all of me is liking him by any means. He’s fucked over humanity for a long time and that shit needs to stop. Sorry, I just can’t use pretty language to talk about the pain. I still feel a lot of anger for sure about the journey it’s taken to come to this place of a bit of space around my anger.

Raphael: Wow, Rhodes, you nailed a bunch right there. That answered the tension really well, and opens it out too. Thank you.

So, with that then, I think I’ll pick up for a bit from where I left off. This story telling to an interested and curious audience, in all of your ears and in the ears of the Demiurge itself, is moving something in me.

Let’s see, where was I before Jim took over yesterday with his Holy Horseshit Bible comparisons?

Merlin: You were leaving the family church for the chandelier swinging one.

Raphael: Yes, thank you. So I get myself settled into this new church and Bible School, riding my bicycle across town each morning. About 6 or 7 Months later, one bright soul and beautiful woman in the church (whom I’ll call Mar-yam as that name seems to fit her soul) and I get together over some volunteer mission efforts doing graphics in the church office and we hit the ground running. I’m a bit surprised, but it so answers a palpable loneliness that a part of me was consciously wrestling with. Our first date feels great over some higher end pizza. We talk openly and get ourselves squared away on the no-sex thing, even to the point of theorizing together that kissing is a form of sex and that its rightful ‘god ordained’ place is in the context of engagement, as in engaged to be married. I admit, I came up with that one.

So, what we dredged up was that dating is the rightful context for the spirit to come together; engagement is the place for the souls to come together; and marriage is the place for the bodies to come together. We took the whole ‘no sex before marriage’ thing to way overblown proportions that no one was pushing on us. Looking back, it’s so apparent that the one place the parts of us were resonating around was a big discomfort in our sexuality, again, pawning it off as ‘dedication to God’ for safekeeping.

I mentioned yesterday the earlier 11 month relationship from my previous church setting where the bliss so suddenly ended, that was a year or so prior to this one now emerging with Mar-yam. I see now that the undigested pain of not being able to grieve the loss of that earlier bliss, made a part of me feel I had disappointed or displeased God somehow. Her name was Cheryl, and Cheryl and I had kissed like there was no tomorrow, and we must have gotten outside of ‘Gods Order’ somehow, or it wouldn’t have ended so painfully. I so wanted this new relationship to have God’s blessing, as part of me felt there was no room to go through another loss on this level, ever. No room for any more trial and error. Why suffer in error when you can have God’s truth instead?

We had each of our wired-up woundings resonating like two tuning forks that so played into each others dynamics, but also our leading edge desires and dreams were also resonating for sure. An easy closeness and trust unfolded inside of these extra-safe self-imposed boundaries we charted out together. Maryam confided her pain early on around intense sexual abuse by her dad, and a wandering into some sexual promiscuity as a result that preceded her reach out to God.

We shared a big excitement to make our lives ‘really count for God’. Maryam had also recently abandoned an attempt at joining a catholic convent in line with her families church background, and so we both felt excited about being in this new, very different, cutting edge church and bible school that was so set to really go places and achieve big things for God. Maryam was also the church secretary and led aspects of the church services and was a personal friend of the Pastors to boot. We wanted more than anything to serve as teachers and leaders in an adventurous foreign missionary kind of setting, with our new church’s brand of excitement and passion.  ‘Please, God, anything but aimless western living and its values and boredom’.

I’ve since been able to feel several parts of me, and parts of my Metasoul too, who were activated at this time in my life with all the new beginnings. Part of me privately fancied itself more than anything being a great preacher, able to cast spells, of the godly variety, over audiences. I had also completely abandoned before entering bible school, a tech school trajectory where I was fixing to get a technicians certificate for drafting or surveying, to upgrade the kind of work I was doing. God, and the world didn’t need another draftsman. It needed a preacher with the truth! My employer must have agreed, because when things slowed down slightly, I was let go shortly after being talked to for distributing religious ‘tracts’ in the office.

With all those juices flowing right along between Maryam and I, along with the ‘no kissing while dating’ rule, it was only a month before we kissed, and so we both agreed that we were now engaged. We crossed over the line we set for ourselves. She was 24, and I was 21, and we were married after a 5 month engagement with lots of sanctioned kissing. It was a long road to my inner teenager finally getting laid, and to ‘giving my virginity to God’, and to my wife, but it felt great, it felt so right, and with God’s guarantee and blessing to boot! We never looked back, for a long time, until we did, some 20 years later.

Wow…

Metatron: What are you feeling, Raphael?

Raphael: yeah…. feel and heal, feel and heal…

Metatron: I’m just vibing again what I learned from you…

Raphael: Thank you Metatron, time to digest a bit here isn’t it?

As I’m sharing this story, it’s changing me on the inside again. I’m feeling the part of me then, very present in this Now, Marvin, as I was named then, and have since differentiated and gotten to know as a part of me, who so wanted so much, and wanted to bargain with God to get that ‘so much’, who was also afraid to get anything less. ‘I’ll give you all this God, if you’ll give me that’.

I’m also feeling how much pain Marvin carried inside of his bones too that began around being conceived inside of the cocoon of my mom’s deep and unmoving depression, from his very conception, born into my mom’s lineage of feminine suppression under a patriarchal God, with a patriarchal dad, and a patriarchal husband, and a mom and entire social world in similar lockdown. I know that by the time Marvin made it through the gauntlet of his teens, through the these sudden shifts, he wanted to find the ‘lying down in green pastures’ spoken of in Psalm 23. He wanted to find the way to live that was blessed and guaranteed by God. He was so stunningly surprised that the adult world was actually this fucked up, and no one was doing anything about it, though he had now parted with that kind of language, and anything else that could be remotely considered a vice.

Marvin has since gone on to transmute into my Inner Child, and then my Magical Child, and even beyond as I feel him mostly now in my Star-seed Galactic Self that arose recently whom I call Andy. We sometimes sing our own version of the familiar Sunday School song ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own’, which is kind of a perfect digestion of all that God seeking churchy feelings of how it was connection with our own being we were seeking the whole time. We couldn’t see that for what it was and so we arranged for ‘God’ to hold that for safekeeping.

Merlin: Andy is like the friggin’ best! He knows fun and wonderworld walking like no one I know. If you want to go play, call on Marvin, or Andy rather, or both! Let’s get this party started in here.

Raphael: I know right. It’s a bit serious in here isn’t it, but I just have one more piece to feel today and it gets to the heart of this journey to face the Demiurge.

Merlin: Okay, that’s good too, I’m sure it will lead to fun eventually.

Raphael: I think so too, Merlin, and thank you for your patience… 🙂

The piece that is dawning in me, and on me, is feeling how much I, and my beloved parts of me shaped God in my own image, even created this creator being. Granted, It was my family conditioning this life that got me up and running with this set to my sails, but I needed to shape this God into a spaceholder of my Higher Self that I couldn’t consciously yet see or feel inside my own heart.

I’m looking for the right words to put around this…

I mean in the sense that I was afraid of my own heart and its capacity to feel. I know that wasn’t just about this life’s wounding though this life wounding was also needed to backlight it all in order for it to come to the light of day.

You could say, I used God, projected onto God, the Demiurge, my unconscious sense of my Higher Self.

Metatron, can you help me out here, what am I trying to put words around?

Metatron: What I feel it as is kind of simple. You made God into the monster that he had no choice but to become; becoming dis-eased with a greatness that he, and it, was unable to bear, having neither earned it, nor being worthy of it. And as they say ‘power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely’. You, along with the rest of us, made the Demiurge into an ‘absolute authority’; an ‘outside of us’ projection of our innate perfection and power, that we couldn’t yet relate with. That’s enough to cook anyone’s goose.

Raphael: Wow, when you put it that way, it makes me feel like I owe him an apology…

Metatron: …something to feel into, for sure. We all did this though, Raphael . And we all need to face the monster of our own creation.

Raphael: And what if there’s only a few of us ready to begin that?

Metatron: Then that makes us the ones to stand in the gap between the Demiurge and man. Sounds a bit heady, I know, but it’s real. The Demiurge doesn’t need to make his peace with all men and women individually to find and feel his remorse, his anger, his feelings. He only needs one actually, because, as with anything in the universe, the one, or any one, contains the all.

Merlin: You smoke the best stuff Metatron. I say we break and party-on at your pad. We have to get ready for Christmas a bit too which is tomorrow. Sounds like your talking total Christ child stuff, pretty timely if we’re gonna go by the Christian calendar. We could even redeem some Christmas carols out of the YouTube and have a sing along. You feel like ‘Hark the herald Angels sing’ kind of Archangel!

Raphael: Merlin, you know how to put a bow on things. That about says it for now, doesn’t it everyone? Wow, this gives us, and I know me for sure, some more digesting to do.

Let’s pick up again tomorrow. Thank you everyone, everyone here, everyone beyond, and everyone yet gathering, to form this one posse of hearts as an Ambassadorship to the Demiurge. The Demiurge, I feel is beginning to be expecting us. Thank you especially for feeling and helping me digest my own story too again today. I know I’d like another day or two to digest a few more pieces of my own story together. We are soon about to learn the Demiurge’s side of this story, but all things in their time.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 5 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

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Journal To The Demiurge w Raphael Awen

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 5 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here: https://goo.gl/CgrWXZ)

Raphael: Good Morning All. I am feeling the rising excitement of this journey again. It felt so good to time-travel to the early pieces of my life story, feeling how my allegiance to the Demiurge formed and took hold, and feeling all of you feel me, in that.

It also felt good to take yesterday off being Christmas to breathe, to feel and to let in love. Last days journal took over 5 hours just to write, and feel as we went, and to post. I’m feeling an expanded sense of the epicness, if I could call it that, of where this could go, and where it wants to go. I also want very much to feel all there is to feel as we go, and to have fun doing it. If there’s one thing I feel now about hanging around in the past, I feel we should at least rearrange the furniture while we’re spending time there. And the furniture I’d rearrange would be the furnishing of my own heart with more space to feel myself and all my parts courageously doing life, being with life, seeking love. I get to do some more of that today.

There’s a way that even going through hell can be rewarding if we’re willing to feel all there is to feel, feel our why’s, our wants and especially our frustrations. They are all huge signposts. I’ve decided that if it ain’t fun, in this sense of being rewarding, I want nothing to do with it. In my book, it’s now a big Demiurge delusion that life is supposed to be hard, or boring, or aimless. The other thing I’m into is adventure, always have been really, and this journey is looking like about as big a piece as any.

Metatron: Good Morning Raphael. Good morning All, in the fullest sense of the Allness. Rhodes, Merlin, Jim, yes, you too Jim, we’re going to need help from the other side in due time, and Good Morning to this growing posse of hearts, following this, reading this, feeling this. You are the incubation of the epic something that Raphael is speaking to as you let this story weave into the feeling tones of your own story. Let it engender within you the waves of desire and the awakening of each and everyone of your astounding uniqueness and value. This is a seed, and like any seed, it has an infinite number of seeds within it. We’re not about the finite number of seeds contained in an apple. We’re about the in-finite number of apples contained in a seed.

Raphael: I love how you can raise the frequency about 67 notches in 30 seconds or less, Metatron. Wow.

Metatron: You have us on a good frequency as well, please keep going. I just had some juice to let flow through.

Raphael: I so know I wouldn’t have the go for this journey were it not for your energy and guidance, and it’s feeling sooo good again today, thank you.

Before, I go back to my story, Metatron, can you tell me about what the Demiurge is up to with this intention? Do you know if he knows what we’re attempting?

Metatron: Funny you should ask that, I got confirmation just today that he is up to speed on every word. Consider yourself and ourselves engaged to be engaged. And, it feels like he could, and we could use some time to get acquainted further, from a distance, I mean, so take all the time you need to process it all as we go. Your story telling feels important. We have all of time itself to get this right, and it’s urgently what the entire universe is waiting for, both are true at the same time.

Raphael: Okay, no pressure or anything? My…, you have a way with words.

Metatron: In the beginning was the word…

Raphael: And the word was with God and the word was God…

Metatron: And dangit if the Demiurge didn’t see an opportunity to fill in the blank while we waited to come up to speed with this truth and with our own godhood, Raphael.

Raphael: And I’ll bet he isn’t having the best time of it about now? His threats of hell have only tied him to being a jail keeper – not much fun at the best of times, right? I can’t imagine him having any fun, if it ever was fun being him.

Metatron: It’s complicated though, Raphael. On one hand, we created him from our own subconscious, and we commissioned and authorized him to be the monster we made him, and on the other hand, he doesn’t know anything different and is afraid to let go. He is inextricably linked with us till we undo our own creation.

Raphael: Could we say ‘In the ‘re’-beginning was the word’?

Metatron: We’re being invited to feel that with this Journal, with every word, every logos, that we utter; to feel it as being divine reason re-beginning a new world order internally that seeds into the collective…

Raphael: Feeling that pauses my story for a bit…

Metatron: Feeling that actually helps tell your story, Raphael. Go on and we’ll figure where it intertwines as we go…

Raphael: Okay, as I said, I’m getting a big gift from telling this story, and I can feel parts of me buckle in. They were all there, but we never got the space to feel it like we are now, on these levels.

Where was I?

Merlin: You was just getting settled with Mar-yam in the new chandelier swinging church.

Raphael: Thank you Merlin, good feeling your magical presence here. Get this, yesterday, Gabriel gave us a Christmas card depiction of you soaring through the Cosmos, Metatron as a combination of a cosmic cowboy and a skinny Santa Claus, And even Andy riding bareback too, all heading for audience with the Demiurge. I’ll share it in this post today. It’s totally rad, as they say in California. It captures the energy so awesomely.

So, yes, I was on a fairly new track. 21 years old, married, and so hungry to serve God, to make a difference for God, and as I said, a little less consciously, also hungry to escape boredom while I was at it.

After our first year of marriage, and working at pay-the-bills kinds of jobs, Mar-yam confronted me after work one fall Friday as a long weekend was approaching, with the crazy idea of visiting friends 2 provinces away to check into joining in with a mission project they were involved with. We actually left, 6 hours later, after a phone call, and me getting the incredulous look off my face. We knew we were in danger of settling for the norm if we kept this pattern running. We decided it was for us, came home, squared away, gave away, sold off, and loaded up and were back there in 6 weeks.

We shared this uncanny ability to jump ship when the guidance came, but she was usually the one to help me break the spell of whatever the current pattern was, given a part of me’s attachment to familiarity.

Over the years, our desire to get into the cherished ‘full time ministry’ never quite materialized. After a year away in the neighboring province, we returned home where I began finding jobs as a self employed painter with a whole bunch of my innate desires and passions funneling into building that while serving God, or, in order to serve God, as we framed it.

We self funded our way to regular short term mission trips, a few early ones to Mexico with a small, but exciting mission in Tijuana headed by other friends we were close to; One to Hong Kong with the founders of our church, and several to different places and projects in the Philippines that continued over our two decades together. We were Bible School grads, fancied ourselves teachers, and in the groups our church was a part of overseas, the locals were more than happy to let us take the pulpit, with our white skin and all.

We dreamt of our first child, and she ended up coming along for the ride in utero for our first trip overseas. Family; extended family; missionary travel; what was now referred to as a ‘business’ complete with employees; and even building our own home, were all a part of the picture by the time our second daughter came along 6 years in.

As these realities matured and as the desires ebbed and flowed through our lives, something was brewing in my soul though that was very undeniable, but equally being efforted to keep concealed and suppressed at the same time by parts of me. It was hard to put my finger on. During Bible School, a guest prophetic minister had prophesied publicly over me personally during a laying-on-of-hands service one day something to the effect of ‘don’t fight against the establishment’. Though I didn’t have a file for his words that day, they would come back to haunt me in due time.

I was looked up to by our church circle, as well as in each of our families. We both had leadership and budding teaching positions in the church, leading home groups, participating in services. I loved my daughters as much as life itself. Mar-yam and I only had eyes for each other, and settled deeply into being married for life.

In our 10th year together, I watched with a lot of discomfort as the inner core leadership circle of our church went through choosing sides in a personality conflict battle that was enough to blow up our little haven, this side of heaven. Having a conflict of that nature or of that magnitude wasn’t what got underneath my skin, but rather the active suppression of any ability of the men in the leadership circle to face the issue. It was all a default pattern of saving face and a pretense to hold things together for the next Sunday morning, under the guise of ‘preserving God’s house’. I was pretty convinced God wasn’t in as bad of shape as they made him out to be. This proved to be a deeply etched unwavering pattern that came up repeatedly to simply ignore a given reality in the name of not disturbing the sheep. The more I witnessed them, the more I felt at a deep loss combined with a frustration.

One day at early morning men’s prayer circle, we were joining hands praying loudly in tongues (‘motor-mouthing’ as a part of me would later come to call it), calling God into the scenes of our self created chaos, and I felt so pretzeled about asserting that maybe we should be facing the relational issues between us instead of, or at least, along with all of this passionate prayer. When we broke that day, I called Charlie, a fellow elder aside, and told him gently what I felt. He let me finish, paused for effect, looked me straight in the eye and said, quoting Jesus no less, ‘Are you for us or against us?’ Then he turned and walked away.

The moment of my truth finally came for me when I spoke to the men at our weekly Tuesday night elders meeting. I gathered my courage, opened my mouth and said to the 4 others present, ‘Guys, we’re all in a ditch, but I’m one step ahead of you. I’m willing to admit that and you’re not’. They looked at me kind of funny before the pastor did one of his usual lighten up the moment kind of comments.

My resignation letter followed a few days letter. I never did get my status of ‘Elder In Training’ upgraded to ‘Elder’ as the Pastor, a man near my young age, could sense in me the lacking loyalty, that it seemed that not even I was as in touch with.

The growing disparity between the ‘power of God’ that we all adhered to and championed compared with the growing powerlessness we practiced in our relationships with one another was leading me to feel deeper into the relational disparity inside of my own heart. Part of me tried hard to cover it over with new bigger and better projects or clients in my business. Money seemed to keep growing as a result, which often led Mar-yam and I to consider another mission trip.

Around that same time, just prior to this fallout, we decided to take our young family to the Philippines for a little longer trip of up to 6 months to join some close friends on an exciting mission that our church was recently all into. We were being asked to verify and solidify the relationship with the local pastor there and his congregation in hopes of becoming more involved, with more people and more money. The pastor there was reputed to be the ‘former second in command of the communist party’ in the Philippines and was now a genuine, born-again powerhouse for God. The fanfare of it all didn’t thrill me as much as the excuse to see if we could somehow get deeper into what our hearts really found exciting, as well as escape the growing relational problems in our home church. Maybe a brand new infusion of purpose and focus would sort out both me and the church.

It was amazing to watch the needed money come in through the business in time to match the intention, as usual, with a short notice. It was also a good experience to create some space around my tendency for a one track focus in my work life. Within 2 months of planning, we had our airfares for four and money together, an employee to keep the business alive, and 2 close friends to drive us the 3 hours to the Seattle airport.

Something very unusual happened in the airport that day just prior to boarding, and as I’m liking the vibe of storytelling, and you all listening so sweetly, I think I’ll just plow on into that story if that’s okay? This is a lot, how’s it all landing in the moment, Merlin?

Merlin: You got me spellbound, Raphael. What a planet you lived on! I say, rock on.

Raphael: Are these church and God frequencies a bit dense to take in?

Merlin: They would be if they weren’t coming from you, Raphael, but with your heart that’s found a way through it all, I’m liking feeling what it really felt and looked like to be inside,… even to be not consciously wanting or looking for a way out…. Wow.

Raphael: Okay, good, I’ll go with that then, Merlin. Thank you. Serving the Demiurge really is a captivating experience, pun intended or not, take your pick, where we chose it, because on so many levels, we felt we were in the coolest deal on the planet and the only one that had any real meaning for that matter. If 90 some percent of the whole world was going to hell without a personal relationship with Jesus as their savior, then what could compare to addressing that need? I had no clue then about the ocean of unfelt emotional need, and unworth I was still very much carrying around, as I felt God had taken care of that for me when coming out of my teens in exchange for giving my life over to him. Truth is, more money, another mission trip, more status in the church, none of it was able to completely cover over the hemorrhage of what my heart was bleeding into my space.

So, back to the airport in Seattle that day. We’ve said goodbye to our friends and gotten checked in and are waiting the last hour or so at the gate and already, it’s been a long day, with a 16 hour flight still to come including a pit stop in Tokyo, en route to Manila. The boarding gate was filled with a mixture of Filipino and Asian families waiting to board the sold out flight.

Our daughters aged 3 and 5 took to playing a bit with the Filipino children in front of us which felt cute to witness as I again acclimated to my fondness for the Filipino people. It had been 6 years since our first trip there.

A Filipino man was seated next to me in the crowded space, and when the boarding call was made, and as we rustled from our waiting slumber, I acknowledged him for the first time as our children and his had already made a connection.

I asked him where he was heading to in the Philippines, after landing in the capital. He explained that he was just there getting his mother and his children onto the flight. He asked me the same question in return and I told him the name of the province we were headed to, to do some missions work, having recently memorized it, ‘Ilocos Sur’, another 9 hours by bus to the north in this country of 81 provinces, over 7,200 islands, and a population well over double the size of my Canada.

He smiled and said, ‘oh, that’s the province my mom is from, but now she lives in the capital’. I was warming up to the familiar Filipino sounding English that he spoke that I actually missed, and was soon to get a whole bunch more of. 

Naturally, his next question was, ‘What city or town are you going to?’ I was glad again, that I had remembered a bit from my discussions with friends, as we had never before been in the North of the country before, and told him ‘Santa Maria’. His smile grew larger as he said,‘Santa Maria!, that is my mom’s hometown.’ We both took a minute feeling the incredulity of all this mixed in with keeping an ear out for the sequenced boarding calls, an eye on the children, with our boarding passes and passports in hands.

He then said, ‘who are you going to see there?’ Again, I recalled the name as well as the correct pronunciation of the Pastor of the tiny independent church we were going to be working with there, having never met him, but we had spoke to him on the phone a week or so prior. I was sure this was going to end the list of coincidences now stacking up. I told him the name, ‘Marben Magmay’, the first name being easy to remember as it was the Filipino equivalent to my first name at the time of Marvin. His jaw dropped again, and he said with yet another big friendly Filipino smile, ‘I know Marben, I need to get a message to Marben’s brother actually, will you be the one to take it to Marben for me?’

My head was sure spinning about this time as I’m looking at my wife taking this all in as the man found pen and paper and wrote out a short note in the northern dialect, and handed it to me. I recall being a bit too stunned to ask what the message was about and of course, I couldn’t read the local dialect. About then, we said our goodbyes as he needed to get his elderly mom boarded. I learned we had another 10 minutes or so before our row was going to board, so I got up to walk a few paces to try and digest all this.

I took a few minutes to digest what felt like an energy rush through me. There was a lot of prep, money and energy to get this trip to happen, and so far, there hadn’t been anything overtly that could be seen as a ‘big miracle confirmation’ that God, or the Holy Spirit was ‘supernaturally’ leading this journey, other than what we called the ‘still small voice’ inside along with the extra money manifesting naturally with some focus and intention. This coincidence just then was more the kinds of ‘miracles’ that were the coveted stock-in-trade of our ‘full gospel, spirit-filled, word of faith’ type churches we were a part of. We all longed to have personal testimonies like these to share (or brag about) in church. All I was able to make of it all as I stretched my legs prior to boarding, was that God was tipping his hand of favor and blessing, saying a warm and personal ‘hello’, as I couldn’t see any direct significance to the message itself, now sitting in my front shirt pocket that I had agreed to be the postman for. It looked like something as simple and mundane as little more than ‘call me’ along with a phone number as I recall it. How cooler still would it have been if it was really tied to something world changing? Nonetheless, it went in as a deep personal validation, from God, no less.

This so gets to the heart of what the part of me, who was me at the time, wanted from God, a personal validation, the ‘well done, my good and faithful Servant’ kind of heartfelt validation. I had gone from knowing I would end up in hell if I died at 17 to knowing I was now in good with God, and I wanted to let the world know. I was feeling pretty high, as I couldn’t see how else God could be more outspoken. ‘God’ was sending us on this trip.

Mar-yam and I digested the conversation a couple more times as the flight got underway, beginning our way to our first stop in Tokyo, before continuing onto Manila, letting it color our hearts as a very unique personal blessing from God. I loved feeling all this from 35,000 feet.

The story doesn’t end there though, as far as airport coincidences go. Something almost as magical occurred all over again on the next leg of the trip.

But I’m feeling to let some water under the bridge and take this up again next day. Everything in its own time.

Metatron: Wow, Raphael. I’m so feeling the ache for the acknowledgement of God you spoke to, going from the fear of hell to the bliss of heaven, Wow.

Raphael: Oh, yes, there was nothing greater in my books.

Before I jumped ship from the family church to this one, the real reason I did was because their God wasn’t a boring traditional rule maker, but an exciting one that interacted supernaturally in people’s lives, and gave out this kind of personal validation. I ached to feel God approve of me, or I should say, a part of me ached for God’s approval. There was nothing else that mattered. If I could pursue that, and qualify for that, along with a happy family and children at the same time, that was thee deal.

Metatron: ‘Qualify for…..?’

Raphael: Afraid so. We were all so firmly entrenched in a ‘love in return for obedience’ picture, that it would be yet a few more years before I would begin to get under the edges of that, but eventually, more dramas and events later, just that began to awaken in me.

Metatron: I’m gonna pause to take in here and let whomever would like to respond to share.

Raphael: before we pause for today…

Jim: Wow, I’ve got something to feel in all this, but I need to feel some more around it all and maybe share next day.

Raphael: Thanks Jim, or Dad, as Marvin knew you. I’d like to feel what’s brewing for you.

Andy: I like the 35,000 feet part! That’s where the Demiurge doesn’t have any of his sad stuff happening and that’s where I began to learn to fly, and where I still do. Wayne and I have been taking daily spins in our Merkabah all over the place from Golden Earth and back!

Raphael: Yea, Andy, my beautiful Starbeing Self, who once was Marvin, who once was my inner child, now gone galactic, riding the rays with Wayne, who led my life for 8 years more recently, on this other side of knowing the Demiurge.

Did you see you in Gabriel’s artwork riding right behind Metatron, on Merlin?

Andy: It’s like thee best! Thank you Gabriel. If you never hear from me again, it’s only because I got lost in all the dimensions.

Raphael: I don’t like that idea…

Andy: Okay, I’ll try to remember how to get back from all the places I have on my list to see and travel to, but I can’t promise, you may have to come and find me…

Raphael: Okay, that’s a deal. I want to see all them places too!

So, All, Let’s take a pause here again, but not before I again say thank you to the Gathering Posse Of Hearts. If this story is resonating in your heart, then that resonance and your willingness to feel it is creating a quantum something that accesses this realm and makes for a grander result for all of us. The handful of us in this direct story can do something pretty wild for sure, but with you, riding with us and in our hearts together, we can do something so out of this world, that it will take generations for this new arising story to be told, and tolled.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

The More You Already Are

Published on by Raphael AwenLeave a comment

By Raphael Awen

If you could have anything you ever wanted, or ever will want, how would that change your life in the long run?

Forget about the three wishes and the Aladdin’s lamp scenario. In today’s deal, there’s no limits what-so-ever, so no need to choose any prioritization.

You don’t need to deliberate over whether a billion dollars is more important than personal happiness, etc. You can have it all, physically, financially, spiritually, emotionally, sensually, sexually, and whatever other ‘ally’ you can think of…I must have missed a few, right?

Oh, yes, cosmically, galactically, socially, mentally, environmentally….

Where would you start?

I’d start on the first thing my heart or body or mind or spirit had appetite for. There’s places to visit and experiences to be had for sure, and I’d start with them, but I guess I wouldn’t be doing any of those things to be happier, because I’d have already dialed up all the happiness I wanted as well. This world of no limits whatsoever would be pretty crazy wouldn’t it, and something to get used to?

Before too long, I wouldn’t be operating from any sense of need or desire, because I have or can have whatsoever my heart desires, and then that desire would now be shifted to a fulfillment. I’d have to use some of this creative power to create some needs or desires, or I wouldn’t have any basis for existing in this dimension of experience and pleasure.

How do you define a pleasure without a displeasure to compare it to? A five star hotel only gets its appeal from comparing it to four star, or a three star, or a dumpy slummy kind of dwelling.

How do you define joy without knowing some sorrow?
Can your capacity for joy be separated from your capacity for sorrow?

It’s kind of like the trade off involved when you take an anxiety or depression medication. The med takes out the lows, but it also takes out the highs. It removes you from the range of your emotionality, as well as your humanity.

My guess is that before too long, I would want to be given back at least some of the aspects of my life of genuine unfulfillments and unmet desires, if I was to remain in a human experience in a world of duality (good, better, best, and not so good, etc). Unless of course, I just wanted to be done with this whole reality and cash in my chips. But, you and I wouldn’t be here were it not for some gain, some payoff that makes it all worth the ride, is my sense of it.

Now, let me ask you one more question.

What if, and this is a big ‘what if’, so get ready for it…., ‘what if this above have-it-all scenario and its play outs are exactly (underline exactly) what’s true for you and I on a higher level?’

If we all came from oneness-allness-Divine-source, (or whatever you want to call it, because even if you call it bananas, even bananas are an expression of it) the only thing the Divine didn’t possess was the ability to experience lack, or unfulfillment.

It seems the Divine needed and wanted to know lack, so it could come to experience greater fulfillments that the fullness of fulfillment it already knew. Full fullfilment isn’t actually possible in an ever expanding infinite love reality. It always wants more. It’s never actually fully satisfied. One glory leads to the wanting of more.

This feels so true to me and explains so much of our human behaviors. Addictions are not about our wanting too much, but rather about the fear of being possessed by our wanter, so we settle for the behavior or the substance to keep us from falling into what we fear of the abyss of never-ending want. We have a phobia of our wanter, so we lock it into lesser pleasures.

So, if that feels true, the next questions in our quest are then something like how could the All come to know lack? How could it be safe or desirable to give up Allness in some way to experience and know lack or absence?

My heart tells me that the only way consciousness would accept such a wild ride of departure from fullness would be on the condition of never actually losing the fullness, but only the awareness of it.

For the experience of lack to be real enough, and ‘enough’ is the key word here, it had to feel real. That could happen in a simulated reality we call life, where the simulated reality is one of many being generated by the Allness Reality Simulator, where we have a higher and a lower reality, both of which are equally true.

Here, we come to see and begin to feel that we never lost any fullness in our journey through lack. Lack is actually an expression of our fullness. Wow.

Trippy, huh? And all I’ve had to drink today is a second cup of Cacao and some fruit smoothie! Didn’t even need Ayahuasca!

Now, we come to see and feel that we agreed to forget our essence, only upon the condition that we would never lose possession of our essence. We knew there would be an awakening journey experience that we dialed up for ourselves, and that was the gold we chose over the gold we had.

You are living in an expression right now of your deepest power and superabundance as you experience lack and pain. You dialed up the experiential journey of forgetting, in order to have the felt experience of being re-MEMBERED with your essence.

And then, the cooler part still is that you did it for a net benefit. You did it to expand your perfection!

Holeeee shit! It’s all as holeee as its ever gonna be, right now, as you and I go exploring more and more.

The more that you come to know will never be topped by the more you already are.

How’s that for real adventure?
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Check out our programs: FREE, PREP and DEEP, for a new and profound going-on place in your spiritual and emotional journey at www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/sessions.

Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

There Are No Wrong Choices

Published on by Raphael Awen2 Comments

By Raphael Awen

We chose to enter duality, the place of choosing this over that, with a soul awareness that there are/were no wrong choices.

Every choice we make leads to an awareness that we made the choice; that we eventually came to either like it or not; and that we can make a different choice anytime we want, with what remains in our power to choose.

A previous choice may have narrowed the options before us, and a part of us may feel a bunch of regret about a particular choice, but even that pain filled result is a powerful act of a creator being enacted in order to come to terms with its own power. The wrong choice now couldn’t be more right.

The pain caused by the ‘wrong’ choice, and the all the internal reactions of self judgment, shame, regret, anger, etc., all give us a powerful opportunity to get to know and love the part(s) of ourselves who hold those feelings.

If your child returned home from school distraught over having been bullied that day, a healthy parent would open their heart to simply feel that with the child, so they could digest the trauma and move on. So it is we are being invited to feel the parts of us in reaction to this challenging world of duality we find ourselves in. Until the trauma is able to be felt by an open hearted ‘other’, there is no way for the pain to digest, but instead it gets compartmentalized away to go on to create more similar trauma for us to eventually show up for as the healthy parent ‘other’ to feel. In this way again, all the wrong choices lead to the right choices.

The right choice is simply the willingness to feel what we were up till that point unwilling or unable to feel. The whole point of all the drama of our lives, like any story, movie, or novel is that life essentially is about creating feeling. It can also be seen that all karmic play outs in our lives are not about punishment, but rather about re-creations of feeling scenarios, that we came here to feel.

It seems that if life in this dimension is anything, it is constantly about choosing some thing over another thing. We can avoid a particular choice, but no-choice is always very much a choice. Even in that, we are ‘event’ually brought to feeling the part of us afraid to choose, along with their sacred whats and whys.

These are the moments of total redemption. These are the moments of totally getting the whole point of all the dramas and their play outs. These are the moments of coming home to yourself.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Check out our programs: FREE, PREP and DEEP, for a new and profound going-on place in your spiritual and emotional journey at www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/sessions.

Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

 

The Next Moment Is A Blank Slate

Published on by Raphael Awen4 Comments

By Raphael Awen

Today, like any next moment, is a blank slate.

There is the momentum of your beliefs and values rolling like a train down a well worn track inside of you, held in place by parts of you, that will fill that blank slate if you allow it to, but prior to any moment, the next moment, in its essence is always a blank slate.

Because we are so accustomed to every arising moment being spoken for by this massive freight train of our beliefs and feelings and its seemingly unstoppable inertia, we lose sight of the blank slate and its potential, accepting instead the all-too-familiar manhandling of these agents of some bureaucratic moment-killing agency; in this case, the very beliefs and values that we adopted along the way in the name of fitting in.

Life from then on becomes largely a ‘just what is’ kind of reality that we have long ago simply accepted, forgotten, having long moved on now to seeing how we can best tolerate the leftovers, of what actually amounts to a devastation on an epic scale in our consciousness.

The Now has become simply an extension of the past, protruding into the future, with you and I sitting rather uncomfortably faced with our present.

Reverence and wonder is sacrificed to paying homage daily to a despised, but nonetheless revered god of normalcy. No longer are we the creators, but now we are turned to the need to make life one big pharmacy dispensing machine, giving out one medication after another to cover over this pain of the loss of our true creative power. All of life then at root becomes about assuaging this very real, but well hidden pain of this loss, while we are mostly too medicated to even see this layer of reality.

We lost the moment. We lost our power. We simply give it away every single moment of every single day, until something awakens in us.

I find I can write passionately about this truth, crafting words to attempt to drive home my point, but truth be told, the more I feel the reality I just described, the less I feel like any master over it. I awaken to thumb away here on my iPad to reach for a drink from my own well, from my own Higher Self, to receive an awareness altering message in order to face my own inner freight train of my preconstructed looking glass. The very next moment is right there before me, virgin, without guile, and yet wanting to play in whatever innocence we can feel together, yet there is also the very real threat of the moment being seized, by ‘the agency’, like the last one and the one before that.

Near as I am able to now tell, having wrestled with this false god for some time, in a variety of spiritual settings, there actually isn’t anything to master here, or to overcome. What I have actually discovered is that the attempt to master some life altering spirituality in the name of overcoming an unwanted limiting pattern and predisposition is actually to strengthen, rather than diminish its reality inside of us. What we resist persists.

Instead, I am invited to assume my Higher Self’s position and feel the parts of me who hold these limiting beliefs and values that they cling to. Here, I discover very beautiful reasons they hold for clinging to old patterns so tenaciously. Only as I feel these parts of me and their sacred ‘why’s’ for feeling what they do, and why they energize the barriers to the moment that they do am I afforded any real shifts in my life. Only as the parts of me that live inside of me find new values and beliefs that they adopt of their own free will and sovereignty, am I actually afforded any lightening or shortening of the moment-crashing freight train inside of me.

I am invited to turn the passion of the ‘fight to overcome’ into a heart campaign to claim the previously unknown and unwanted parts of myself. My passion will still surely be called upon, but with a whole new set of values and beliefs to guide them. The warrior within will still have plenty of territory to express and transform, albeit inside of a letting-in reality, over a keeping-out reality.

I get the dawning awareness that this may well keep me busy the rest of this life, that this actually is what life is, to bring awareness to every moment in this way. If I did succeed to the point of no longer needing this practice, I may well have lost the whole point of being here, which is to keep letting in the love that I am. Quite possibly, the best place to gain the most traction and momentum in living my way into this new reality is from right here on Gaia.

I mean, if it were not so, wouldn’t you and I be somewhere else, doing something different with our sacred power?

Read more about enculturating a new way of life inside of you at:soulfullheartwayoflife.com/sessions. We would love to have your inquiry into SoulFullHeart’s new program offerings ‘FREE, PREP and DEEP’.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Check out our programs: FREE, PREP and DEEP, for a new and profound going-on place in your spiritual and emotional journey at www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/sessions.

Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

SoulFullHeart Patreon Money UPdate February 2018

Published on by Raphael AwenLeave a comment

By Raphael Awen

Wow, what a ride February has proven to be, with a ton of change!

We went from having eleven facilitants in SoulFullHeart, and climbing, to having only three (at the moment)!

A big piece of that reduction was actually about us no longer being comfortable to serve people with our weekly sessions program who we didn’t really feel wanted the process on the level we are offering it and who were more drawn instead to having a regular therapy kind of holding. It’s nice to be wanted, and even to be seen as unique, and to have people willing to give you money for services, but we also need to feel that what we are serving is firing on enough cylinders to make it engaging and rewarding for ourselves as well as the facilitant, and in alignment with the SoulFullHeart picture.

All of this made for a narrower money picture as well as a back-to-the-drawing-board turn for us, as our recent modest, but treasured surplus monthly cash position had turned into a near shortfall.

This led us back to the thought of developing more of a self-led, self guided process within SoulFullHeart’s offerings to serve interested people for a much smaller minimum monthly donation that involved assignments, group online calls and a members-only private forum for process interaction and sharing. This also felt like the perfect solution for people who need or want more time and space to acclimate to SoulFullHeart energies at their own pace and proximation without it involving the focus and momentum of weekly one-on-one session space.

This led to a re-creation of our entire offering into three separate programs what we now call ‘Free, Prep and Deep’, with Prep being this new self-led program and the weekly sessions program being the Deep program, that now has several refinements and value adds as well.

If this experiment ends up being viable financially for us, with each new Prep and Deep member helping us plant the SoulFullHeart way of life into consciousness, our narrower money picture could well become a sweet memory of our ‘garage days’.

We set out a few months back to ‘transparentize’ our world of money, feeling this intention to be be central to wanting to plant a new way of life in the world. Glastonbury (Our UK in May plan) remains very much in our focus and desire for this year, and feels like our next big project undertaking as well as our next fundraising. We will be sharing more about it soon.

Here is the Money UPdate for February, 2018:

(all figures in US Dollars)

$2,218 – Gabriel and Kalayna’s English Teaching through VIPkid.

$1,129 – Donations for Sessions.

$64 – Group Call Donations for our one Group Call this month.

$37 – Book Sales

$36 – General Donations – People just sending money!

$3,484 – TOTAL Revenue for January. – that’s about $700 a person!

A very special thank you to those who are a part of weekly SoulFullHeart session space, as well as to our precious Patreons.

More about our Programs here: http://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/sessions

From myself, Jelelle Awen , Kalayna Colibri , Gabriel Heartman , andRaianna Shai , as well as from some near and dear souls presently deepening with us, THANK YOU, for your love, for your support, and for showing us your love in the form of money. 

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Check out our programs: FREE, PREP and DEEP, for a new and profound going-on place in your spiritual and emotional journey at www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/sessions.

Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.