By Raianna Shai
In just two days, Jasper and I will be reuniting as I pick him up from the airport here in Portugal. We’ve had quite a four year history of ins and outs, together and separate, right next to each other and worlds apart. In the last two years, we have been in completely different countries coming in and out of contact with each other, and even in and out of romantic exploration.
On that day, two years ago, I made a huge, life altering choice. I chose to end our relationship, let go of the dogs that have been in my family years, and move to Portugal to be with my Soulfullheart community. It was not easy, nor did it come without falter or doubt, but I knew in a moment of empowerment that I was choosing myself and my soul. I had to trust that on a higher level, it was right for the both of us, despite how painful the separation felt.
This phase of being long distance has been such a deep time of individuation and self discovery for both of us. I feel now how important it is to have the time to heal enough of your inner wounding and gain a more centered connection to the divine in order to let in something as deep as a sacred union. By sacred union, I mean connection on all levels and consistently working on your own inner world in order to transact together on the outside.
I spent a long time rebuilding myself, finding out who I am now and who I want to be moving forward. I learned so much from sisterhood about how to be intimate, set boundaries, ask for what you need and how to share my heart more vulnerably. I’ve grown more of a center and a deep sense of self in this individuation, though it will always be an ongoing process.
Our connection together has ebbed and flowed over this time as well. We didn’t talk for a while, then needed to for practical reasons. I felt done with the ground that we left our relationship on but my care for him never left. Many times we rode the line of getting back together and entering into a new phase of relationship. But each time I had to say no, or the divine circumstances said no, when it still didn’t feel like the right time.
This last round was different. We started out different. In a much more raw, tender and real way. Sharing our deepest fears, most vulnerable pains, and even our anger and desires. This conversation represented a timeline split of either a deeper goodbye or a new kind of hello. In turned out, it sparked the beginning of a new foundation going forward.
I’m so unbelievably grateful to have had all this time as a single woman to mend the parts that felt broken, to rise into a form of queen inside of myself, and reconcile some of the old patterns and behaviours that existed in our previous relationship. Neither of us moved on, neither of us forgot about each other, and neither of us was ever vilified by the other.
Every sacred union journey is unique and different. For me it took time, creating a relationship with the divine, and creating a home inside that was so safe, no part of me felt abandoned or lost in the dark. Now it’s time to make room for this outer masculine beloved and to start life together in collaboration and exploration! 💛
The attached pictures are the very first picture we ever took together and the very last before I left Canada!
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Raianna Shai is a SoulFullHeart facilitant and community member of the SoulFullHeart Way of Life. Visit https://www.soulfullheart.org for more information about space holding sessions and free 45-min intro calls, group calls, videos, community, etc.
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