Tag: Romance

Premise 8: Union With Others Arises Through Heart And Soul Resonance

Published on by Raphael AwenLeave a comment

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By Raphael Awen

Good morning, and Welcome to day 8 of the 21 day SoulFullHeart Magical Mystery Premises Tour.

Today we make a fools attempt at beholding the spectacular, and then trying to describe it.

We’re attempting to use words to describe the undescribable.

Maybe this whole Premises tour is a fools game. It feels vulnerable to share with the world a claim to seeing something others haven’t yet seen. It may lead to experiencing more with others or it may just lead to hurt and rejection. But isn’t that the essence of vulnerability; a willingness to be hurt, to feel hurt?

But hurt always takes us somewhere eventually…

For me, it’s been a long road, but that road is now about how I’ve started a club, given it a name, and like every club, there’s a few rules to belonging. Here though the rules are not about sustaining a sense of superiority, but rather about sustaining a fire for this new something. And they’re not rules in the sense of what is allowed or not allowed, but instead about a looking glass, without which this something new cannot be seen. Others may see it as I see it, which would be wonderful and validating, or they may not even raise an eyebrow, which would hurt.

But this hurt is a pregnant hurt, leading to more, not less.

Leading with vulnerability on your own defined and chosen path, while fully owning your truth, no matter how different or resonant with mine, is something I feel we are utterly already One in. You and I, if we are to grow, must now choose, and make ourselves vulnerable to our choice. In that, I feel a deep Oneness with you, even if our chosen paths are far apart.

Ultimately, we’re in the same fools club, no matter how different we look and feel, and no matter how much we even may be repelled by one another. We are already One, and it is because of this inseparable Oneness that we can safely fully explore our paths, even if divergent, knowing that in the end, we all converge on the same prize.

I like knowing I’m a winner before I even start out. It fires me to give it all I have, to live out loud, and be at rest at the same time.

Now, let’s take a look at today’s premise called the Union With Others Premise:

“Union with others arises through heart and soul resonance in non-codependent relationships, relating through parts reality processing within monogamous romantic union, and within SoulFullHeart Community.”

Union, though it is something we all already are at core, it is also something that arises experientially for us or simply doesn’t. Heart and soul resonance is what draws us together or repels us from being drawn. That’s the simple truth of any relationship whether healthy or unhealthy. Healthy and alive union, like the kind we are wired for in our potential and that SoulFullHeart reaches for, is a never-ending, deepening reality that is sustained by resonance. Where do we get that kind of resonance that will support this?

My truth is that while people have not discovered their subpersonalities in a rigorous commitment, these living beings inside of them, are quite literally, a mess of parts. I can feel in someone a resonance over here and a strong kick over there. I can feel a potential I am drawn to along with a dissonance that tells me to keep a safe distance. This is because we all have wounded beings inside of us who until they are discovered and healed can only trade in pain and hurt. It’s all they know. To these parts of us, they often turn to the presently popular ‘all love and light’ variety that is about transcending real pain, rather than healing it.

We are simply not ‘all love and light.’ I’m not, I can tell you that much for sure. And I feel a ton healthier just saying that. My love consists of light and shadow. I am too big a soul to exist only in the light.

Now we get to truly enter non-codependent ground. You are responsible for your own growth and letting in what is love in your life and saying no to what isn’t. No one gets a ‘stay in your life card’ for ever, or even for a moment unless they are willing to serve real and honest love, and the wrestling matches that will be part of that. Only as we come to the self-to-self love we described in yesterday’s premise can we get very far in transactionally healthy self-to-other love. Ending codependence begins inside of us. We end the wars inside and peace then reigns outside.

In romance, SoulFullHeart offers a monogamy picture. I must admit, my second chakra has gotten excited about the idea of a time to come in our evolution when we could have healthy poly-amorous sexual bonds, the idea of multiple lovers, but then I promptly lost my erection at the idea of being one of several men contending for one woman. It feels true that only monogamy can hold the rigours of having heart open and vulnerable love, heart, soul and body. There is a way that in relating deeply to one woman, that I am in relationship with ALL women. True sex, fully with one, is sex with all. That I trust will satisfy any polyamorous leanings in me for now.

Another big piece we see in this premise is that the kind of Union w are talking about happens in community. None of us were wounded in a box and none of us heal in a box. By community, we mean doing life together more and more in an arising way that serves our individual growth. Being ‘apart from you’ moves to being ‘a part of you’ as we find ways to go deeper into life together as a true heart and soul family.

I’m not so sure that I succeeded in showing you the spectacular as I said at the outset of today’s tour. Maybe, it wasn’t mine to show you that in words today. I was only meant to show you the utter folly of trying to show you that. Maybe, it’s for you to see through your own sovereign being, resonating with my sovereign being however that happens for you. Only you can see your own when it reveals itself to you.

I hope I pointed you in a direction of your own truth. It’s only your own truth that would draw you in resonance to see mine, and then we could share that magical ‘holy shit’ spectacular moment. Yes, even the shit is holy. I say that with reverence for the depths of the pain we’ve all experienced.

So, welcome to my club where only sovereigns can belong, where only autonomous souls who possess enough of themselves to join that possession to a community, where love flows only by personal ‘want to,’ when and how it does.

I’m going back to this deep rest I feel inside today that just can’t get too worked up trying to get anyone to see something that isn’t already natively in them.

Again, I welcome and look for your words of feedback. I hold myself to account for how this landed in you. And if you would like to read the other writings on our premises here.

Raphael Awen is co-creator and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.

A Woman’s Worth

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

 

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By Jelelle Awen

I am worthy just as I am.

I am worthy no matter what is in my bank account or how others perceive me.

I am worth all that I desire that comes from a place of authentic longing.

I am worth love and to be loved.

I am worth experiencing passion in my relationships and especially with my mate.

I am worth being treated with respect and reverence.

I am worth claiming my birthright as a sacred human child of the Divine.

I am worth growing, breathing, and inhabiting life on this earthly dimension.

I am worth feeling wanted and wanting others in return.

I am worthy of these things and……so are you.

These are not just positive affirmations. This is how I experience life most of the time. It has taken many tears, many tough choices, and much healing to feel this way about myself. It has taken saying β€˜no’ to things which didn’t serve my worth or my sense of it. It has taken reclaiming a relationship with the Divine after spending much of my life claiming to be agnostic. It has taken serving others, especially women, to get to know and heal the part of them that holds unworthiness.

A woman recently said to me with tears in her eyes and an ache in her heart, β€œI don’t feel worthy,” when I presented her with a picture of passionate relationship. This moment of vulnerability being shared with me touched me and I could feel, indeed, the part of her that doesn’t feel worthy of what her soul and heart aches to experience. I don’t know all the reasons why this part of her feels this way but I am very familiar with the texture of unworthiness as I have felt it myself all of my life.

I believe that we all have a part of us that feels unworthy. It is usually buried in the shadows under another part, a more strategic and outbound part of us that covers over this very tender feeling with frequencies of false humility, confidence, even arrogance. Arrogance is always about a part who is trying to protect the feelings of being unworthy under neath. In my experience, getting to know and connect with the protector of the unworthiness first is what allows it to eventually come forward. Unworthiness (like many shadow aspects) is often more visceral, emotional, and non-verbal. It is stomach churning feelings of yuck about ourselves. It is the sense that we are not worth anything and never will be. I remember gut-wrenching sobbing as my unworthiness unfurled itself to be felt by a parts facilitator and the Divine. It was very challenging to feel this and to share it with someone else but I am so very glad that I did.

My heart hurts for the unfelt unworthiness parts inside of so many people. As I have felt this aspect of myself, it has healed to a sense of innate goodness about myself. Unconditional and mostly unfaltering. Working with this aspect has allowed me to set boundaries with people when I’ve needed to, when it doesn’t serve my goodness to be in relationship with them. At times, I still have a part of me that struggles with β€˜rejection’ and can still feel unworthy related to that, especially when it concerns my writing or SoulFullHeart. I imagine that this aspect is something that I will be feeling and healing for the rest of my life.

The message that I have been able to let in from the Divine more and more is that I am worthy to experience love and that, actually, I am Infinite Love. It can be very challenging to claim a life based in self worth yet the rewards of feeling your own goodness alive in your life are so worth it. As are you…

~

Jelelle Awen is an emoto-spiritual teacher, sacred feminine and union facilitator, soul scribe, waySHOWer, galactic love ambassador, and co-creator and teacher of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. She is author ofΒ  Keep Waking Up! Awakening Journeys To Avalon And Beyond and an upcoming book,Sacred Human, Arising Wonder.Β Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.Β Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings atΒ https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

 

Healing to Healthy, Conscious Mate Ache

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

By Sequoia Heartman

In the moment I feel lonely. This is true even as I have my soul family with me, an arising and strengthening relationship with myself and my parts, and a sacred beautiful connection to the Divine in both its masculine and feminine energies. I have what many souls are longing for, yet haven’t been willing or able to actually feel it. So, I am far from complaining. I feel blessed and gracious. But my heart and soul is missing something big. A mate to share it with. The other half of my other half.

Reflecting back on my romantic life, I can’t really remember healthfully and consciously aching for romance. In high school I wanted to be like the other cool guys and have a girlfriend. It was, for a part of me, a status symbol in a way. It was also a way for this part to feel worthy about himself even though the relationship itself was full of unworthiness. Love took me by surprise in college when I met my ex-wife Jillian (now Jelelle). Parts of me resisted, as it was such a different kind of love that I had ever experienced, but the depth and sacredness of it won out. After our marriage completed, my next relationship was in response to feeling depressed, not a desire for true love. So I drew a depressed mate. I’m sure you can guess how that went. After that, I was out of the romance business for a good seven years while raising my daughter.

When she moved to Canada I had a desire to date again, but it wasn’t that deep ache for courtship. I had a sexual affair that turned into a year long relationship. I wasn’t in love and needed to be honest with that. When that ended, I began to wonder if I needed to have more of a relationship with myself, but again became surprised by a younger woman from Canada. For those of you who have read my blogs, you know that to be Kathleen, and the history of our time together is well documented on this blog.

I recount my past to remind me of how I have related to romance compared to what I feel now. It has been some time since my last incarnation with Kathleen. Through all that time I have been healing my way to a more grounded sense of Self. But I had to go to the wounds. The mom wounds, the dad wounds, past relationship wounds, and past life wounds. From there I began to ask the questions who am I really and what do I really want? When I started to feel the edges of those answers, a sense of self-awareness and self-love took shape. When I began to fill my own cup with the help of Jillian, Wayne, and Divine Love, I started to feel a missing piece. But the missing piece wasn’t me. I used to identify with the missing and I felt void. Unloved. Unworthy. Now I feel the piece that is me. That has always been there, but I just couldn’t feel. So when I say I am lonely, I don’t feel alone. Now I feel the desire. The desire for the yin to my yang. The queen to my king. The peanut butter to my jelly. I feel it in a way that is healthy and conscious. I couldn’t have done that without healing my way there.

Now, the irony is that while I have found my mate ache, I have found it while living on a remote, off-grid ranch in Mexico. A part of me could list all the reasons why it feels almost impossible that I could find a mate. But those only serve to leave me in a suffering loop about it, a piece I am trying hard to heal. There are a lot of criterion for a woman to resonate with. Collapse, dirt, work, heat, vulnerability, parts work, past lives, leadership, community, limited technology, gardening, gift economy vs. fiat currency, lots of sex, curiosity, conversation, cob housing, occasional impassable river, rain, sun, seeing the context to the content, connection with the Divine, Sunday circles, energy healing, creative vegetarian cooking, horses, bugs, sheep, dogs, mangoes, bananas, limes, lemons, papaya, noni, moringa, neem, laughing, crying, conflicting, hugging, cuddling, walking, praying, building, watering, and above all…loving. But one thing is for certain, if she does, then I can honestly say she may be the one.

I realize this is starting to sound like a dating site profile. So be it. In the age of collapse, what isn’t truly you gets burned away and the really important things become much clearer. There isn’t much time to play hide and seek from each other. My heart aches for her and for the love she holds. I can feel her, but cannot touch her. I can talk to her, but I cannot hear her. I can imagine her, but it isn’t enough. When I feel all that, there is a pain. A pain that is unfulfilled desire. I let it come through me. I don’t deny it. My eyes fill with tears and I cry. For as long as I need to. Sometimes for a brief moment, sometimes for several minutes. I feel lonely and sad, yet I am held in it. Held by the Divine, my own self-worth, and the knowing that I have love, just in a different form. The ache moves through me, I dry my eyes and continue through my day with my desire still in tact, a bit stronger than it was before.

I don’t know when it will happen. I don’t know if it will happen. Not even the Divine can tell me that. All I can do is feel it, express it, and send it out to the universe. It is not a passive place of waiting, but an active vibration that I emit and respond to possibilities. This article is one of them. Who knows where it lands. It is like the proverbial message in a bottle, cast in the ocean of Love to see if it lands on the shore of another heart. In the meantime, I continue to build my cob home, help to tend the gardens, and heal more of what still needs to heal in my heart and soul. It’s a pretty damn good life. But it could get infinitely better.

I can be reached through the SoulFullHeart website or email at soulfullhearts@gmail.com if you know anyone that resonates with my call. Thank you for taking in my writing.

Sequoia Heartman is an apprentice facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit the SoulFullHeart website for more information and connection.Β 

Romance As A Reflection Of Self Worth

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

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By Christopher Tydeman

Romance has always been triggering for a part of me. I wasn’t really raised with a template of a healthy romantic relationship. One that included both sides of passion. On one side, the random acts such as notes put in a hiding place to be found later or the hot passionate kiss in the middle of crowded street without care for the peering eyes upon you. Or the other side, which includes the loud clash of conflict that is still held in respect and not reduced to energetic violence. The place where there is a vulnerable and heartfelt, β€œI am sorry.”

In my personal experience, my template was a withhold of need, a projection of resentment, and an eventual eruption of anger with barbed-wired shrapnel. The sweet moments were few and far between, and even those consisted of half-baked sentiment with an obligatory stale crust. Were there moments of genuine love? Yes, absolutely. More than I count on my fingers and toes. But certainly not enough to show a young man what real love is all about.

So, am I screwed? Never to feel authentic desire, lust, and passion? Of course not. I am not a victim to my experience, I am informed by it. A part of me could easily close up heart-shop by blaming it on my conditioning, and never allow love to enter its fortified walls. It’s what part of me learned by my father as the ideal way to relate to love. However, even he hasn’t done that. He, too, desires a life surrounded by love. He can’t help himself because it is the ultimate human need above our survival needs. This part of him, and now a part of me, can protest all they want, but it is not our nature to resist love in absolution.

My templating gives me a starting point from which to launch. I don’t press off of it like a swimmer does off the side of a pool. I go into it. I feel it. I ache with it. I cry with it. Then something new emerges. Desire. Risk. Energy. Passion. Something different than before. Something unlike a part of me could ever imagine as being possible. I am honestly not writing from that place in the moment, but I can sense it. I sense it because it is in me. It is me. I would have not known that unless I had someone else to reflect that to me.

For the last two years I have been in relationship with such a person. A beautiful woman I never saw coming. A woman who could see a β€œme” I hadn’t been able to see myself. Now that I say that, I feel my romantic history has been such a dynamic. There is this reflection of bigness, of courage, and of strength. That picture, as desirable as it is, gets intercepted by my unworthiness and is flat-lined. Not to be resuscitated for fear of rejection and pain. ‘The higher you climb the harder it is to fall’. That is the mantra of self-protection.

This is the trigger I referred to at the beginning. But it is more than just the reflection of my bigness that frightens a part of me, it is that someone else actually cares enough to fight for it. That I AM worthy of the kind of love that is more than I ever believed is possible. A part of me is used to a healthier version of the type of love I grew up with, but is uncertain, even confused, about this ground of sacred love. Authentic love. Transactable, palpable, relational, passionate love. Lots of wounding that needs healing. Lots of conditioning that needs re-experiencing.

So what about this woman? After a few incarnations and explorations, it has come clear that Kathleen and I may not be mates in the way we thought we could be. She has passion that yearns to be matched and seen by another. I have a passion that yearns to be discovered by me, in me, and through me. It is possible that romance is not meant for me now. Maybe the romance is in me first. But I could not have come to that if it wasn’t for her. Her passion, her love, her desire for her own self-worth. She may very well be a soul mate, just not in the way I have thought of ‘soul mate’ in a romantic context.

We have been through much, Kathleen and I. My love for her remains as tender as the first time we hugged. That is what is real. That is what cannot die no matter the circumstance. We will continue to be what we have signed up to be for each other this life, for however long that is. She is a big reason I will heal towards self-worth and maybe even sacred romance. It is because of her I will know true love, both for myself and from another.

Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author onΒ this blog, and he hosted theΒ SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show.Β 

Letting Go With Love: Healing Codependency In Our Relationships

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

letting-go-of-a-relationshipFamily, friends, and lovers. These are our most intimate connections. Some of us have a multitude of them. Some of us, just a few. What really matters is the quality and kind of connection we have with them. In my β€œpast” life, I had my family, both nuclear and extended, several friends, and a few lovers (not at once, mind you). As I went through my SoulFullHeart process, I began to feel the real inadequacies and co-dependencies within these relationships. Both for myself and for them as well. Confronting these emotional realities consciously, I began to realize that I could not continue holding on to a false relationship. A false relationship to me is one where the transaction is between two false selves feeding off each other for their own emotional survival.

Cords needed to be β€œsevered” in the name of love for myself and for them. I put severed in quotes because the word has a connotation of forever. I do not desire to be apart forever. Just until we both can truly see and feel each other on a ground that is level enough to transact a deeper and non-codependent connection. One that is based on willing to feel ourselves as an assortment of wounded subconscious parts and a desire to feel our separation from and ache for the Divine.

This connection may or may not ever happen in my previous relationships. I pray that it does. But if it does not, I do not hold myself or them in contempt. It is not about being stubborn or defensive as it is about holding a value system that is just plain different. We may just be cut from a different cloth and there is no love lost in that. I say that because that is what I really wanted to get at. β€œLoss of love” is not possible in my experience of it. Love exists always and cannot be destroyed or lost. I have boundaries and conditions, yes. But I also have love. A love that is far greater and real than the β€œlove” our false selves have chosen to agree to in our day-to-day lives. This love is not nicey nice. It is not just light and airy. It is real. It is sticky. It is honest and it is painful. It is humbling and forgiving. It is ecstasy and celebration. It is what we want it to be and it is what we don’t.

I have love for those who have been in my life and I always will. I do because they are a mirror unto myself, and I a mirror unto them. Each one of them has enriched my life for the better. Each one taught me more about myself than I could have alone. I experienced my parts in relationship to them. True, they were formed because of my experience with some of them, but they are also healed because of my experiences with them as well. They were not in my life if they did not have something to offer me, and I them. We drew each other for a purpose, whether for the short term or the long.

Recently, I said good-bye, at least for the short term, to a mate with whom I had become co-dependent. Whenever I write or hear the word ‘codependent’, a part of me feels like it cheapens the experience we had together. It unequivocally does not. It gave us both a vantage point from which to see and feel ourselves more consciously than we would have otherwise. A part of me was dependent on feeling wanted and desired. Dependent on being looked up to and adored. Dependent on being depended upon. It is hard for this part to admit that, let alone let go of.

The subtleties of co-dependence can be very difficult for us to be conscious of. It takes others outside ourselves, such as an SFH facilitator, to be a witness to them and then provide an objective mirror of us to see it. It can be dismissed at first, many times with fierce anger, like a lion protecting her cubs. But over time you see it, then you feel it. It can’t be ignored if you truly want to heal and grow.

After saying good-bye, I could feel a part of me needing to know how she was, what she was feeling, what she was doing. I held that part by feeling his feelings and journaling with him. I helped him to surrender into trust and faith in the Divine Mother. β€œYou mustn’t worry about her, my love,” the Mother tells me. β€œShe is held by me. You can let go. She will not fall.” This part of me struggled, but it lessened each day.

What happens next is unknown. I still feel my former mate and the others in my heart. I pray that they experience what they need to for more growth and arising bigness. I hold the possibility that we will see each other again through different lenses that reflect our truer, bigger selves.

As for me, I continue to lean into the Divine. A new frontier awaits: one that holds an expanding SoulFullHeart Way Of Life Society. One where I, too, have experiences that support my growth and bigness as a leader, a teacher, a healer, a friend, and a lover.

VisitΒ www.soulfullheart.comΒ for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life and to find out about our newΒ life assessment sessionΒ offered over in person or over the phone.

Convicted: Heart, Body, And Soul

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

Heart, Body, Soul

By Cristian Tydeman

I spent some time looking up the word β€œconvicted”.Β  Obviously, the first thing that comes up is β€œbeing found guilty”.Β  In biblical terms (and may I preface that I am not nor have ever have been a Christian this life), it seems β€œconvicted” is to realize through the Word of God that the life we had been living was β€œwrong”.Β  In either case, both definitions connote judgment.Β  In my new awareness, conviction is a state of loving embrace.Β  That is how it feels to me.Β  I could have easily chosen another word, but somehow this one really resonates with the heart of what I am.

I have recently returned from another Soulfullheart experience in Vancouver.Β  This time for two weeks.Β  While the group only met for two days, my process was running on 8 cylinders the whole time.Β  The compartments that I used to walk in and out of were melting away.Β  For the first time since I began this journey I was feeling more whole.Β  More at peace with who I am, not what others β€œthink” I should be.Β  I brought more of my SFH self this time around and the alchemy of sacred space brought me to this state of conviction in heart, in body, and in soul.

Heart

I am in love.Β  In love with who I am becoming, in love with a beautiful woman, and in love with the Divine.Β  During my stay I found myself in an emerging relationship with all of the above.Β  With my Soulfullheart companion, Kathleen, I had to β€œshow up” and be the man I know I am or risk losing something magical.Β  We both had to learn to be vulnerable and feel the fear of our parts in any given moment.Β  Through this sometimes difficult process, there arose a bond I have not experienced in decades.

As a result, I began to experience myself in a whole new way.Β  I feel more King-like, more open, and more real.Β  This is what I have been aching to feel my entire lifetime.Β  It has been worth all the challenges and tears.Β  The chrysalis is shedding and the wings are unfurling.Β  I am here…now.Β  With this new consciousness comes a new name…Cristian.

Body

Another manifestation from my Vancouver stay was the relationship to my body.Β  Jillian and Wayne have led me to a new respect for what I put into my body and how I maintain and strengthen it.Β  Though I am just beginning this new phase of my SFH experience, the initial feelings are positive and hopeful.Β  I went on a shopping trip recently and purchased more fruits and vegetables than I ever have.Β  Being around health just inspires me to be healthy.Β  As this unfolds, I will keep you posted on my body-based journey.

Soul

The last, but certainly not least, is my strengthened relationship to the Divine Mother.Β  From the minute I left my home some two weeks ago, situations occurred that were beyond mere circumstance.Β  People I sat next to on the plane, unfolding of seemingly unrelated events to lead me to one place or another, and the soft, tender voice that follows me wherever I go.Β  My daemon, Raybone, went through his own transformation with a new name and thus reestablished a long hiatus from Divine Love.Β  He has constructed an altar to Her Presence in our life.Β  All of which was inspired by music gifted to us by Jillian.Β  He has begun remembering our purpose here on this planet.

I have committed myself to moving toward Vancouver.Β  I have cleared my heart of any doubt that this is right for me.Β  I am unshakeable in my desire, unmovable in my faith.Β  I will be there.Β  I am there, now, in heart and in love.Β  The Divine tells me to follow my love and a path will be laid.Β  There will be challenges and fear along the way, but with Her Love, Kathleen’s love, and the love of my Soulfullheart family of Jillian, Wayne, and my daughter, there is nothing that will stop me.Β Β  I am. . . Convicted.

VisitΒ soulfullheart.comΒ for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Experiencing Life.

Love and Money: Feeling How Parts Of Us Relate To Money In Relationships

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

By Jillian Vriend

I could hear the tone in my rising, my heart racing, my fists clenching. Part of me was reacting deeply, felt the need to defend itself, to make its’ case. Wayne challenged me back and we both could feel the clashing of parts inside of ourselves; the ones who held the tension that built up over the years around this charged issue. Money.

For most of our relationship, I had been managing our personal finances and performing bookkeeping for our painting company and for our healing offering. In the beginning, this was relieving to Wayne as he had been running the business and managing the finances for many years by himself before our marriage. Because of my previous business coach training, I would come up with budget systems and bookkeeping systems, yet the energy and desire to truly collaborate around it didn’t arise between us. We were highly collaborative in other areas, especially in alchemizing our healing offering, making major life decisions, and in working together in painting.

We knew (or our SFH selves knew anyway) that this compartmentalization around money wasn’t ideal nor was it reflective of our sense of a holistic response to life where no area is more sacred than any other. However, we also feel, as we hold with clients, that things are ready to move when they are and this domain of money was one that seemed to reflect a deeper struggle for parts of us.

It is said that money and managing finances is the number one area that causes conflicts in a romantic relationship or marriage. So, why is that, especially over something that isn’t even real?

My experience has been, working with both small business clients and SoulFullHeart clients, that money represents love to parts of us. We experience the same push-pull desires and resistance toward money that we do about letting in and transacting love.Β Parts of us can feel a sense of abundance or scarcity around money that is also connected to how they have experienced either an overflow or its opposite, the non availability of love, or something in between. Also, we receive a strong imprint from our cultural conditioning and our parents around how they relate to money and what roles parts of them played around it. This conditioning can be very strong and seems to be largely subconscious to us, so it can be difficult to identify and heal. Most likely very few of us received a truly healthy model for navigating money issues in an emotionally conscious way that allowed both partners to contribute and each individual to feel what was actually going on in their reactions about it.

Truly allowing a non-comparmentalized flow around money in your life, whether in a relationship or not, is about negotiating with parts of you around what their relationship to it is. For part of me named Carolyn, managing the money represented an area that she could control and also feel important around when she was feeling insecure about not holding a full-time job like we used when we were single. It was Carolyn who had a difficult time with the recent changes and what felt like Wayne’s sudden involvement and opinions about how to do things when she felt he had previously abdicated the money management to her.

I was able to hold her around this reactions, give her space when needed, and also to feel how earning independent money had been part of my conditioning in childhood as I received a strong template about this from my mom. My parents always maintained separate checking accounts and earned separate incomes. I received no modeling around how to collaborate in money earning and money management with a mate, which is why it felt so unknown to parts of me.

Wayne had a big movement around this as well with part of him and we were able to come together and share vulnerably after the initial blowups. We navigated through it because our parts had been felt by us, no longer demanding the other person feel and get what they were feeling. This is an example of focusing vertically (inside you) rather than just horizontally (on the partner only) when a conflict comes up, which I feel many relationships would benefit from, especially in this vulnerable area of money generation and management. We also held a boundary around not letting our parts get petty, mean, or be in ill will with each other as that just collapses the transactability between the partners making vulnerable sharing impossible.

Ultimately, moving through this difficult area for us has led to deepening intimacy and connection between us. I feel relief and goodness in Wayne’s increased involvement and leadership in this area. It now feels much more like the goodness of our “usness” (the third energy that is created when two people come together in a relationship) is leading the finances. Also, we are creatively coming up with new solutions and renewed alchemy, every day seeming to lead to new opportunities around money. Love is flowing freely in this area now and, with that, regardless of what the bank balance is, this area of my life now feels abundant.

VisitΒ soulfullheart.comΒ for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart healing process. Go here for more articles by Jillian Vriend.