By Jelelle and Raphael Awen
There is celebration and mourning too of something once so beloved that is now shifting and transitioning into something new and unknown. As we approach our tenth wedding anniversary at the end of March, Raphael and I have decided to enter into a new kind of relationship together based on sacred friendship and complete the romantic aspects of our relationship. We’ve been in phases of separation recently from each other to feel into this possibility with growing clarities that this is the right thing for both of us in this next phase of life.
The realization of a growing misalignment between us came through in bursts…..sometimes expressing like a shotgun of clarity with necessary expressions of previously suppressed resentment. Sometimes drifting in like a quiet whisper with tender vulnerability. More and more often recently there has been the recognition of this misalignment being like an undercurrent under our bond for awhile. Neither of us is wrong in this, yet rather this is the result of choosing our own self love and growth above all else.
We always held our sacred union as a moment by moment choice….not like a ‘death till us part’ vow…..not something that would bind and tie as in 3D marriages. Yet, rather we entered into each moment transacting with the bond between us that would arise to serve love to each of us…..or wouldn’t. To be in a sacred union like this is to feel always that something is ‘at stake’ even as it becomes more and more comfortable to be truly vulnerable and intimate with each other. This kind of sacred union asks you to always keep deepening the sacred union within you in order to be able to transact it with each other from a place of overflow. And sometimes, too, it also asks you to commit to that inner sacred union with complete devotion and focus for a phase of time.
I have been in an deep honoring process of our relationship as I let it go…..of the beginnings of falling in love that were held so sacredly then and all the moments since that we went full in and deep into that love. We spent nearly every moment together, especially the last years in Mexico, when our life was deconstructing and then building back up again. There was a phase of time when it was only us…..and our beginning relationship formed out of leaving a previous beloved spiritual group to choose each other. Eventually, we drew a small community of beloveds to be with us including Gabriel and Kalayna. And esp. for me, the last couple of years have been a dramatic phase of shifting focus on serving women in session space, creation and development of SoulFullHeart, and expression of revealed soul gifts.
Over and over, we have given up so much of a constructed life in order to align our lives with soul, with the Divine, and with love. So much has let go and often the only thing that remained was our bond. Our USness created a safe womb space in which to birth SoulFullHeart as a service of love offering. Raphael’s support and love and seeing of me has been so crucial/critical to my growing expression as a teacher, healer, and facilitator. And, his kingly claim of me and our relationship has allowed me to experience myself as a sacred woman TOO through our explorations into sacred sexuality together, multidimensional karmic healing of counterpart bonds, and so much more.
I have been in a grieving process too….waves of tears coming through as I remember so many moments of goodness and connection between us. Even now, tears fall as I write these words, which I knew they would. I have come to appreciate grieving though, the richness of it, the realness of it, the appreciation and gratitude that need to be there in order to truly grieve something.
Even as I grieve in moments, I can feel how love is not really ever lost. And trust is emerging out of this sense. I am also feeling excited at new senses of aliveness and curiosity about the future. Future timelines and desires are beginning to come through and it feels like will begin to manifest soon too. Raianna Shai and I will be traveling to visit, live, and serve in Europe (especially in Glastonbury, Southern France, and Corfu, Greece) and I’ll be sharing more about that as it unfolds. I’ll be continuing to offer remote and in person individual and group sessions in Victoria, BC too while I am here. Raphael is going to settle in here in Victoria and take a break from SoulFullHeart facilitation for now as all this between us reboots.
I feel appreciation for myself that I have loved with devotion such a good man as Raphael for so long and that he has chosen me for his sacred partner. What a mirror that is! To have experienced such a good will-based bond when I came from such toxic family dysfunction around relationships seems rather like a miracle.
It is a miracle. A miracle of what love offered to parts of you can offer and provide. The miracle continues and I am blessed to get to experience it and express it everyday in all of its shifting forms.
Thank you, Raphael, for everything and for what is to come too. I love you and I honor our USness so much for all it has given me even as it shifts forms into something new.
My heart is at this moment in equal parts of grief and relief. A deep awareness comes to me that one’s deepest fulfillments cannot be shorn of one’s deepest fears, smallnesses, and even resentments also coming to the surface to be be felt and loved. Myrelationship with Jelelle has been beyond my wildest dreams and even the manifestation of those wildest dreams at the same time. I am invited to continue to dream of what wants to come next however that may want to come. I wanted to share with you the completion writing I wrote to Jelelle last week. Thank you to everyone who has felt, tracked and added to our story and my story.
I honour every moment from the first moment you came into my conscious awareness and even the many moments prior – all of that up until this now of deep sadness and letting go – in order to let in more with you, more with love, more with the Divine, and especially more with my own inner feminine.
Thank you so very much for this journey. Thank you for this digestion and the many digestions that have led up to this point. Thank you for the oceans of the water of your heart and soul gifts that have so enriched my life. Thank you for the sun and fire of deepest connections with your body. I am forever changed. Thank you for the earth of your journey with me through place and time, through the many letting goes we experienced together, and even arriving at this place now of differences and completion. Thank you for the air of ongoing connection with you. Thank you for the Spirit of your connection to all of the Divine that has forever changed me.
The gifts of grace that enabled and called me to let you in, now strangely allow and call me to let you go, to let go of this most dear expression and phase with you of Sacred Romance, to find what lies beyond it.
You are beautiful, Jelelle, beyond compare. So much gratitude, admiration and appreciation from me and my parts to Jill, Jillian, Julian, Aurora, Mora, [Jelelle’ parts] and others for the greatest family experience I have ever known, beyond imagination. So much gratitude to every Metasoul aspect pairings of ours and what we got to feel and heal together for them and ourselves. It is hard in many moments to imagine that more lies ahead while letting go of so much.
It is dancing with all of your beauty that has awoken a call deep inside to my own feminine, she who longs for my heart and soul to be hers first. I turn to her and also to the ‘her’ heart of Mother in receiving of solace, in receiving of new direction, in allowing this alchemy of the pain of loss to be transmuted into the signature more of our relationship. This is the incredible gift our usness leaves me with, of hope in mourning, of joy in sadness, of hope in grief.
We are those two mice and this is the cheese we now nibble on – a portal into the more we so sacredly gave to one another that keeps on giving.
Much, much, much love, I love you beyond words,