Category: SoulFullHeart Healing Process

It’s Ok To Not Be Ok: Giving Yourself Permission to Feel

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

By Jelelle Awen

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By Jelelle Awen

I am sitting in the back seat of my parent’s car. I am looking out the window, my head turned away from the chaos in the front seat. I am looking out the window but I am not seeing any of the landscape. The tears that slide down my cheeks are silent. I have learned to cry without sound from many years of practice. I cannot completely numb my reactions to the tension, the negativity, and the hate that fills this car, that staggers from him and crawls from her. It has sharp teeth, harsh words, energy that cuts to the bone.

Part of me tries to protect me. Put up a shield. Put up a barrier. Create a bubble of light space around the growing girl. Tries to turn off the tap on the tears that flow from the pain of feeling like I do not belong. The craziness of feeling like this is not my family, cannot be my real family, not my soul family, not my family of heart. So eventually the tears go deep in, get buried, and my other feelings as well. And the part of me that protects my heart breathes a sigh of relief as a possible crisis of self revelation is avoided.

It starts so early, our conditioning to suppress our feelings, our emotional reality, and what our actual reactions to situations are in the moment. Through this conditioning and the pain of not being able to be real, we have to develop aspects of us that can fit in with the non-feeling environment around us. It is a necessary self defense mechanism. It just seems to happen so naturally and organically.

The message of, ‘It’s NOT ok to NOT be ok” is so strong in our culture. The conditioning around not expressing our feelings starts so young when children are first told not to have tantrums or to cry. Tantrums feel to me like releasing the unfelt emotional energy of the parents and the surroundings. We tantrum and then we reach a stage where, to get and keep love in the form of approval, we develop parts of us who become very good at suppressing what we are feeling. And parts of us who become very good too at form fitting our environment to not draw attention to ourselves and our vulnerability.

I described a scene above that encapsulates so much about why my defenses developed the way that they did. In my process through SoulFullHeart and previous subpersonality process work that I have done, I have ‘gone back’ to these moments of extreme hurt and pain through the aspects of me who became stuck there.

I sat in the car with the part of me that holds hurt and I felt her tears with her. I became the loving adult, heart filled with support and permission to feel, that she didn’t have at the time. And this version of me, no longer needing to be quiet or suppress her tears, could lean into this adult version of me. She could be felt and the pain from this moments and other moments like this could heal. And, I could become more current to myself.

To be able to go into places like this painful scene with parts of me has needed to be negotiated with the loyal and protective part of me. This has happened through a growing sense of trust that I will be able to ‘handle it and hold it’ and that it is safe to release it and feel it. Over time and development of our authentic self (or what we call the ‘SoulFullHeart Self’) protective parts of us begin to feel that they can relax their strong protection of us which can come in many different forms and energies. Through conscious negotiation with them, we can open our heart up more and let others in more deeply, also sharing ourselves more vulnerably and authentically. This leads to more experience of love transaction inside of ourselves and with others.

Through the SoulFullHeart work, you reach a place where you no longer really want to be around people who or in many environments where you can’t BE authentically with your feelings or express them in the moment. Or, you choose to stay home or go to a secluded spot in the woods…..somewhere you can feel yourself. It becomes the ultimate priority over ‘fitting in’. We have created a place and space inside and then as expressed in our community where it is truly OK to NOT be OK.

Sessions with us are just a practice ground for this dedication to yourself, to feeling, to being not OK if that is what is real, to be with the parts of you that resist feeling and why, and to be supported by someone else for it. And, eventually, this regular practice moves into and influences your choices in every day life in a natural and organic way where you are desiring to be authentic with those you are in relationship with and in whatever soul purpose-based vocation you are serving love through.

Jelelle Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information. 

 

SoulFullHeart Subpersonalities Healing Process Video Part One

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

New video with Raphael and Jelelle Awen, co-creators and facilitators of the SoulFullHeart Way Of life, sharing about the awakening process that they offer and specifically how they work with subpersonalities, the ‘inner family’ to differentiate our personas or false self to arise into our authentic self or Divine self….part one! You can watch other videos on the SoulFullHeart Experience Channel.

A Woman’s Worth

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

 

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By Jelelle Awen

I am worthy just as I am.

I am worthy no matter what is in my bank account or how others perceive me.

I am worth all that I desire that comes from a place of authentic longing.

I am worth love and to be loved.

I am worth experiencing passion in my relationships and especially with my mate.

I am worth being treated with respect and reverence.

I am worth claiming my birthright as a sacred human child of the Divine.

I am worth growing, breathing, and inhabiting life on this earthly dimension.

I am worth feeling wanted and wanting others in return.

I am worthy of these things and……so are you.

These are not just positive affirmations. This is how I experience life most of the time. It has taken many tears, many tough choices, and much healing to feel this way about myself. It has taken saying ‘no’ to things which didn’t serve my worth or my sense of it. It has taken reclaiming a relationship with the Divine after spending much of my life claiming to be agnostic. It has taken serving others, especially women, to get to know and heal the part of them that holds unworthiness.

A woman recently said to me with tears in her eyes and an ache in her heart, “I don’t feel worthy,” when I presented her with a picture of passionate relationship. This moment of vulnerability being shared with me touched me and I could feel, indeed, the part of her that doesn’t feel worthy of what her soul and heart aches to experience. I don’t know all the reasons why this part of her feels this way but I am very familiar with the texture of unworthiness as I have felt it myself all of my life.

I believe that we all have a part of us that feels unworthy. It is usually buried in the shadows under another part, a more strategic and outbound part of us that covers over this very tender feeling with frequencies of false humility, confidence, even arrogance. Arrogance is always about a part who is trying to protect the feelings of being unworthy under neath. In my experience, getting to know and connect with the protector of the unworthiness first is what allows it to eventually come forward. Unworthiness (like many shadow aspects) is often more visceral, emotional, and non-verbal. It is stomach churning feelings of yuck about ourselves. It is the sense that we are not worth anything and never will be. I remember gut-wrenching sobbing as my unworthiness unfurled itself to be felt by a parts facilitator and the Divine. It was very challenging to feel this and to share it with someone else but I am so very glad that I did.

My heart hurts for the unfelt unworthiness parts inside of so many people. As I have felt this aspect of myself, it has healed to a sense of innate goodness about myself. Unconditional and mostly unfaltering. Working with this aspect has allowed me to set boundaries with people when I’ve needed to, when it doesn’t serve my goodness to be in relationship with them. At times, I still have a part of me that struggles with ‘rejection’ and can still feel unworthy related to that, especially when it concerns my writing or SoulFullHeart. I imagine that this aspect is something that I will be feeling and healing for the rest of my life.

The message that I have been able to let in from the Divine more and more is that I am worthy to experience love and that, actually, I am Infinite Love. It can be very challenging to claim a life based in self worth yet the rewards of feeling your own goodness alive in your life are so worth it. As are you…

~

Jelelle Awen is an emoto-spiritual teacher, sacred feminine and union facilitator, soul scribe, waySHOWer, galactic love ambassador, and co-creator and teacher of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. She is author of  Keep Waking Up! Awakening Journeys To Avalon And Beyond and an upcoming book,Sacred Human, Arising Wonder. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

 

Consciousness And ‘Single Personality Disorder’: Golden Earth Tales

Published on by Raphael AwenLeave a comment

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Please visit our Patreon Page if you’d like to support SoulFullHeart Sanctuary. We’d love to receive your support!

(This is Part Nine of the ongoing blog series: Golden Earth Tales.)

By Raphael Awen

I hope you’ve been enjoying this series and that it has been tweaking your feelings and your awareness on different levels and in different ways.

We’ve covered together how who and what ‘you’ perceive ‘yourself’ to be is but a fraction of who and what you really are as a human being, as a person, as a self. We looked together at how the self, both in its essence and its expression, is something closer to Infinite Love. We may be limited in our use of linguistics to describe this reality, but our ‘Arising Isness,’ as we called it, is powerfully unlimited.

We stretched our consciousness together in the previous eight blogs to get a feeling tone of what we are speaking about. I encourage you to take in each of those prior blogs with an open and desirous heart before taking in this one, as we are going to take this to a new level today that I hope blows your mind.

But first, a little lead-in…

You are awareness. You are consciousness. You are not your body. You are not your emotions. You are not your mind. You have a mind. You have emotions and you have a body. What holds body, mind and emotion in containment is consciousness.

You may be new to this idea that you are an awake and aware consciousness, and you may not readily see yourself as a consciousness. I would say then that you are less conscious of being a consciousness. Your consciousness is not then a big part of your waking awareness. If this is true, then you have more of a ‘density’ and less of a ‘porosity’ in your aware sense of self. This density then is an energetic block or filter to you having deepening and growing self-awareness.

Everything I’ve said so far today I don’t think would be too different from so many spiritual practices that are out there today. I may be using unfamiliar words, but the energy is the same. Even Christianity, as I practiced it for most of my life, was about expanding my sense and experience of self into a place of being ‘filled with the Holy Spirit’ that was meant to color my life. Also imperative in Christianity was holding an identity of ‘who I am in Christ’ as an elevation of consciousness. Daily devotional practice of prayer and meditation in the scripture was intended to induce an inner change of self-awareness.

Buddhism, Hinduism, and Judaism alike all offer something similar in that they want to raise your consciousness to something they deem as some kind of a higher plane. This blog series is no different in that sense. Soulfullheart is also no different in that sense in that it too seeks to raise consciousness to something different from the more common or status quo.

I’d like to make a grand deviation today from this common denominator of all spiritual practice. I’d like to offer you something truly new and different from every spiritual path that I’m aware of. I believe this has the power to truly rock your world in a profound sense.

That is of course, if you’re up for it. Please open your heart, feel your desire, fasten your seatbelt and come with me for a ride. Come fully and then decide what your truth is. Here’s the ride:

All spiritual practice is greatly limited by a self-perception of oneself being a single personality. Of course the ‘you’ that considers itself a single personality is a single personality, but that is because this is in fact only a single part of you doing your life as you. ‘You’ have in effect been hijacked by a part of you and you don’t even know it.

You are in fact a ‘multiple personality’ within a larger conscious awareness. What you call ‘you’ is in fact a whole family of personalities, sharing a body and a mind. I hope this isn’t such a stretch for you to see, because it really feels like a ‘no, duh’ to me.. ‘how could we have missed this huge piece?’

Like any family, there is inside of you a huge range of being what we call functional or dysfunctional depending on the long list of family dynamics at play. Power plays, shutdowns, pleaser roles, etc., with all of these coming from distinct parts or subpersonalities of yourself, to make up what you have just called ‘you’ up till now.

We’ve been told that being a ‘multiple personality’ is a disorder that one needs to seek therapy for. I’m telling you that the true disorder is rather a perception of being a ‘single personality’. The ‘you’ that leads most people’s lives and does everything from their spiritual seeking to their careers and their relationships is only one part of them, or one part of them in a strategic alliance with another part to give it its functionality or dysfunctionality. This is the part of them that is running their life and doing their life. It is primarily a part of you that is reading this series, evaluating it, and deciding if this new idea I’m offering today is for ‘you’ or not.

A part of you may be having a big reaction to my line of reasoning today. I’m writing provocatively to press this part of you and its distinct reaction into your awareness in an attempt to make my point.

Could this really be? Could it be that you are not anywhere close to the integrated being that you imagined yourself to be? If this is true, it really explains so much. It takes huge pressure off of yourself. It also puts a new and healthy pressure on you to discover who you really are.

Up till now, you see, with this perception of yourself being a single personality, there is only this poorly equipped primary part of you holding your ‘you show.’ You are in fact a whole cast of characters seeking to get their needs met and adapting in a host of ways and means inside of you – all the while only under the care of this primary part of you. It’s like a teenager barely old enough and responsible enough to babysit has been charged with doing life.

What I want to impress upon you today is that a profound change occurs when you let in this self-perception that I am offering you. Then it changes again another huge degree when a new and deeper sense of self can arise as a healthy parent to these parts of you. This is nothing less than a tsunami of change to let into your life, and some careful consideration is called for.

If you wish to go on doing your life as you’ve known and perceived yourself to be as a single and unified self, you of course have most of current consciousness to support you in that choice. I personally would not trade what I have discovered in coming to know myself as a tapestry of parts for anything, especially not for alignment with a deeply suffering and struggling collective consciousness.

In this blog series, we’ve looked at ‘you’ as being an individual or an ‘in-divi-dual.’ In that, we saw that a human being is this paradoxical ‘duality that can’t be divided.’ The duality we are talking about is on one hand a ‘singleness’ of being and on the other hand an ‘allness’ of being that can’t be singled out. This whole range of being is like a cosmic projection of the Infinite Love that is the essence of all life – projecting itself onto a screen where you show up as a you. If any of this sounds confusing, that’s because it is confusing! We don’t at the best of times have much of a clue as to what and who we are. We settle for measly roles and identities to make up for this unbearable wonder of being that we are. This blog series has been an attempt so far to expand out your sense of self into the cosmic realities we’ve dove into together.

Where I want to take you in today’s blog is to feel into that who you feel yourself to be in this cosmic sense is very different from who you feel yourself to be in an everyday sense. Embracing the cosmic Nondual, as it is called, into your waking reality is a challenge that most people seeking it become very focused on and dedicated to. I’m saying that the reasons behind your interest (or disinterest), focus and struggle have to do with this entire undiscovered world of you being a tapestry of parts, rather than the single personality that has been running your you show up till now.

There’s this magical and expanded sense of self that extends into and includes no less than all of life and the universe. Then I am offering that the single you, the you that differs from me, is in fact an entire another wild ride of discovery into yourself as being so much more again than you imagined.

So, how does this ride land in you, or part of you rather? Does part of you feel ready to let go of doing your ‘you show’ the way he or she has? Is part of you ready for a new you to show up that hasn’t been around up till now?

‘Part of me’ so enjoyed sharing its passion with you today. ‘I’ enjoyed feeling this part of me express its passion.

I invite you and your parts to read more about parts of yourself, in an article Jelayan and I wrote in an article here.

Raphael Awen hails from SoulFullHeart Sanctuary. You can also track him on twitter via @raphaelawen, or on facebook: ­­­­­­­facebook.com/raphaelawen1. Please visit our Patreon Page if you’d like to support SoulFullHeart Sanctuary. We’d love to receive some of your money!

My Process of Self-Intimacy: Life As An Initiate At SoulFullHeart Sanctuary Blog Series

Published on by Kasha Rosa1 Comment

This is the third entry in the Life As An Initiate At SoulFullHeart Sanctuary Blog Series. Go here to read the second one.

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By Kathleen Calder

As intimate as this blog series is becoming already, I feel like I want to invite you in even more. It occurred to me that maybe the writing we share here, though we intend it to be invitational in tone, may make you readers feel like you are only circling around something and not really in it. Well, in a way that’s true, but in many ways it isn’t.

In many ways, we feel you joining in with us during our Sunday group circles, our shared meals, and our daily activities. We want you to be here. It’s up to you to qualify yourself to at least make contact, let alone take the leap to be here with us physically. I want contact. I want you to be known and I want to be known too. I want to experience you…and of course inside me is the ache to be experienced. This is what I want to animate for you in this writing today. So, with that in mind, I intend to invite you in even deeper to my world and deeper into what I call my ‘process’.

It is no joke to ask someone to leave their world or even their known consciousness behind in order to experience and participate in a new one. I’ve needed this invitation extended to me many times throughout these last four years with SoulFullHeart. I haven’t been an active part of this healing work for the full four years and, in fact, have had to take many so-called ‘breaks’ from it. I put quotations there because if SoulFullHeart is in you, it is you, and there is no real break from it or way of shaking it. Parts of me have tried. I guess that’s how you know your soul-calling: when something is inside you, calling you forward, grabbing your attention, even when you think you’re adequately distracted by other things.

There is nothing more powerful than finding your way to your deepest, most sovereign, and heart-centered choice to be a part of something. Part of me has, for many years, only identified with being a ‘black sheep’. There has been an insistence inside me that there is no way for me to truly belong anywhere or with anyone or any particular group of people. Socially this was a struggle for part of me for many years, until the last one or two years when I started to wake up to my genuine uniqueness based on my unfolding soul journey, which helped to reframe any feelings of ‘not being enough’ for others to accept into their social lives.

I have also found myself thinning out the number of people I would like around me at any one time. It’s not about snobbery or snubbing anyone, but about self-care and self protection. For now my circle is small and intimate and that feels safer as far as holding my need to land in others’ hearts in a deep way and be felt. While sometimes part of me can still find some comfort in hiding the real me in a crowd, most of the time being in a large group feels very vulnerable and uncomfortable for my sensitivity level.

I, Kathleen, want to know and be known more intimately, and I get to live into that every moment that I sovereignly choose to. It is a huge process though, to reconcile the desire to hide and the desire to be seen. I feel this could be true for everyone in the world on some level. Needless to say, at times in my process so far the desire to hide has won out and I have had to back away from being consciously in my process. The thing is, the process doesn’t truly stop, ever. You’re in your own process right now, actually, whether you are trying out any of the journaling we suggest or are just reading our writing. Something, even subconsciously, is bound to go in.

Each time parts of me have tried to abandon our process together, chaos has ensued, moving me away from these three people who I have been so intimate with. It has needed to play out that way and it hasn’t really, either. However, my emotional maturity level simply couldn’t allow it to be any other way. I have been through many shifts and changes in my life and all of the major ones have seemed to come on a tornado of chaos and I have felt like I was literally on fire at times! Change, while difficult for most people, has come easily for parts of me who have been very addicted to it. There has been an ease in running away, and what is ‘running away’ from SoulFullHeart but a ‘running away’ from myself? Running from intimacy is something every human being can share stories of, I’m sure, and self-to-self intimacy is really the true fear, I feel, for most of us – myself included.

The saying: “Wherever you go, there you are,” rings so true for me and is what I experience of life. It is what keeps bringing me back to the support that Jelayan, Raphael, and Sequoia offer me as I keep going into myself with less medicating and without avoiding any aspects of my process that are ripe and ready for me to feel into and heal.

Before I began my process of parts work exploration through SoulFullHeart, I was very social and aiming to become an actress. I had graduated theatre school and actually became certified as an Intuitive Coach as well, since I wanted to not only become a well-known performing artist, but a spiritual leader and author. I wanted to show the world I was a healer and to prove something – rather, parts of me did. The idea of maybe one day becoming too sensitive to party often or have one-night-stands was foreign and undesired in some ways. Part of me wanted to be part of the collective, even though she never felt she truly was and in fact was in denial of how badly she really wanted out. No doubt this was a lot to sort through.

Nowadays, I still want to be seen, but the glamour aspect has been giving way to the idea of just being embraced for who I am at my most vulnerable and authentic core of my being. This would have been so hard to say four years ago. This is why SoulFullHeart offers that people who may be interested in this work take it one step at a time. Parts of us have a lot at stake and a lot they have been working to accomplish in our lives. Deconstructing them needs to be a process for the sake of our own sanity. In some ways, you never truly know when this process begins for you, as it just sort of does, and usually it is on a wave of desire for change and doubts that the life you are leading now is truly enough for you, even if these desires and doubts feel subtle at the time.

It feels good to share a bit more about what my process has been like. In the future my goal is to weave in bits of stories from my process and perhaps some more visceral sharing of what it actually feels like to feel a part of you for the first time. I feel this may help any of you who are inching towards contacting us and taking on that first session, to imagine what that experience could be like for you.

If you are curious to know more about what I have shared today or have any questions for me, my email is kathleen.m.calder@gmail.com. I would be happy to hear from you.

Kathleen Calder is an initiate at the SoulFullHeart Sanctuary and you can read more of her writing here on this blog. Please visit SoulFullHeart Sanctuary for more information about staying with us and virtual sessions.

Reflections From Our Fifteenth SoulFullHeart Group Weekend

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

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This weekend we held our fifteenth SoulFullHeart group weekend. As always, the group was inspirational, transformational, and full of love and growth for all of us leading and participating in it. It’s amazing to feel that we’ve done this 15 times now over the last two years. This group weekend was held in the new venue that we found, Mission Point House, in Sechelt, BC on the Sunshine Coast. Mission House is a newly constructed, cozy and homey feeling space right on the ocean, nestled inside of a waterfront park that offers some of the most diverse bird watching in Canada.

We discovered the Mission House when we were walking our dog Koda in the park, which is near the RV campground where we are spending a few months settling into our new lifestyle. We had been to the park a few times, yet this was the first time that we noticed the house nestled by the water with shutters over all its windows. I felt drawn immediately and after peeking in all the windows, we confirmed that it was a facility space that was empty yet quite inviting. After doing some research, I found out that it was open for anyone to rent out and at the really reasonable rate of $10 a hour! And this rate included tables, chairs, and full place settings for 30 people.

I feel that the Divine Mother brought us this space, offering it to us after we moved out of our SoulFullHeart house in Gibsons where we had been holding groups previously. This new space and its capacity as a seminar facility inspired our offering of a Experience A New You two day seminar that we are holding there next month, March 22 and 23rd.  You can go here to read more information about the seminar and the beautiful setting where it is located.

The natural magic of the surroundings held us as soft snow fell all weekend, covering the trees and ground with white and inviting us into a stiller and softer place in moments. Bird totems were all around us: the trills of ravens celebrating our energetic and emotional movements and a bald eagle and three hawks gifting us with their presence in a nearby tree. The eagle was especially touching as most of us had never seen one so close up before. The eagle’s appearance coincided with the completion of a process with a part of my husband Wayne, who considers eagle medicine to be a powerful force in his life offering context, vision, and bigger perspective.

As touching as the animal magic was, the most touching aspect of our group weekends is always the connection and community that forms out of vulnerable sharing of parts and their reality. When parts of us can share and be felt in a loving setting, something new arises in our experience of ourselves and with others. Even though I’ve been witnessing this and personally experiencing it for over ten years now, I still find myself in awe at how powerful and touching this process of parts work really is.

Other powerful moments: We received some touching messages from Mother, brought to us through Christopher’s Daemon, outing himself as a messenger of the Divine with bravery and humility. Daemons, the part of us that guards our soul expression and gifts, were able to be felt and express themselves, share more past lives and actually be felt in them and move beyond their previous lifetime experiences of Goddess worship or religious dogma to let in the new frequencies of trust and love with the Divine that SoulFullHeart offers. SoulFullHeart energy healing, which I have previously led, was more community offered this weekend, with everyone learning and growing into their own energy healing gifts (which I feel we all have the capacity to express.) All of us digested that we are in the midst of geographic transition and change with Wayne and I more on the other side of it and the others in the middle of it.

From emotional to energetic to couples’ process to soul healing, there are so many places that we went this weekend and can go in SoulFullHeart, places that we need to go in order to serve the complex heart and souls engaged in the process with us. As I sit here the day after reflecting on our fifteenth group, I feel grateful for what I co-led, facilitated, surrendered into, and experienced in myself and in others the last two days and the people who created and shared this experience with me. And I feel grateful for whatever lies ahead during future SoulFullHeart Groups and beyond…..and for Mother’s continual support for our offering of this way of life that brings us so much joy, purpose, and meaning.

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Jillian Vriend is a co-creator of SoulFullHeart, parts work facilitator, author of a  book and on this blog, and sacred humanity-Divine Feminine teacher. For more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, visit soulfullheart.com.

Convicted: Heart, Body, And Soul

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

Heart, Body, Soul

By Cristian Tydeman

I spent some time looking up the word “convicted”.  Obviously, the first thing that comes up is “being found guilty”.  In biblical terms (and may I preface that I am not nor have ever have been a Christian this life), it seems “convicted” is to realize through the Word of God that the life we had been living was “wrong”.  In either case, both definitions connote judgment.  In my new awareness, conviction is a state of loving embrace.  That is how it feels to me.  I could have easily chosen another word, but somehow this one really resonates with the heart of what I am.

I have recently returned from another Soulfullheart experience in Vancouver.  This time for two weeks.  While the group only met for two days, my process was running on 8 cylinders the whole time.  The compartments that I used to walk in and out of were melting away.  For the first time since I began this journey I was feeling more whole.  More at peace with who I am, not what others “think” I should be.  I brought more of my SFH self this time around and the alchemy of sacred space brought me to this state of conviction in heart, in body, and in soul.

Heart

I am in love.  In love with who I am becoming, in love with a beautiful woman, and in love with the Divine.  During my stay I found myself in an emerging relationship with all of the above.  With my Soulfullheart companion, Kathleen, I had to “show up” and be the man I know I am or risk losing something magical.  We both had to learn to be vulnerable and feel the fear of our parts in any given moment.  Through this sometimes difficult process, there arose a bond I have not experienced in decades.

As a result, I began to experience myself in a whole new way.  I feel more King-like, more open, and more real.  This is what I have been aching to feel my entire lifetime.  It has been worth all the challenges and tears.  The chrysalis is shedding and the wings are unfurling.  I am here…now.  With this new consciousness comes a new name…Cristian.

Body

Another manifestation from my Vancouver stay was the relationship to my body.  Jillian and Wayne have led me to a new respect for what I put into my body and how I maintain and strengthen it.  Though I am just beginning this new phase of my SFH experience, the initial feelings are positive and hopeful.  I went on a shopping trip recently and purchased more fruits and vegetables than I ever have.  Being around health just inspires me to be healthy.  As this unfolds, I will keep you posted on my body-based journey.

Soul

The last, but certainly not least, is my strengthened relationship to the Divine Mother.  From the minute I left my home some two weeks ago, situations occurred that were beyond mere circumstance.  People I sat next to on the plane, unfolding of seemingly unrelated events to lead me to one place or another, and the soft, tender voice that follows me wherever I go.  My daemon, Raybone, went through his own transformation with a new name and thus reestablished a long hiatus from Divine Love.  He has constructed an altar to Her Presence in our life.  All of which was inspired by music gifted to us by Jillian.  He has begun remembering our purpose here on this planet.

I have committed myself to moving toward Vancouver.  I have cleared my heart of any doubt that this is right for me.  I am unshakeable in my desire, unmovable in my faith.  I will be there.  I am there, now, in heart and in love.  The Divine tells me to follow my love and a path will be laid.  There will be challenges and fear along the way, but with Her Love, Kathleen’s love, and the love of my Soulfullheart family of Jillian, Wayne, and my daughter, there is nothing that will stop me.   I am. . . Convicted.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Experiencing Life.

Discovering ‘Social Softness’

Published on by Kasha Rosa1 Comment

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By Marge in Kathleen Calder

Kathleen hasn`t yet written directly from any of her parts. I am happy to be the first.

My name is Marge and I am one of Kathleen’s more obvious parts in this phase that she’s in. I am also known as Kathleen’s “mom” part. In other words, I am the part that best represents and embodies the voice of Kathleen’s mom, much to the dismay and yet sometimes comfort of her younger parts. We are working together to heal this dynamic and bring Kathleen more compassion towards her mom despite their necessary separation during this phase of both their lives.

This weekend at group I was “outted”, as we call it in SoulFullHeart, for playing my usual hiding tricks. I hide my true feelings behind Kathleen’s ability to intellectualize any conversation, even if the conversation is about or during her process. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to hide for long, but when Jillian called me out of hiding I felt very embarrassed. Weren’t we still getting the answer right even if I wasn’t connected with my feelings at the time? The simple answer is “not exactly”. It has taken a lot for me to let go of the way in which I answer questions or hold conversations in a group setting. Kathleen wasn’t aware of my tactical way of socializing through her until this weekend. She thought it was all normal…key word being “thought”. I “thought” it was it the way humans were meant to socialize. This whole idea of being in your heart and communicating what you are discerning through your emotions and feelings instead of using your head to discern and disseminate has been so foreign to me.

Until this past weekend, I never realized just how conditioned I was. Suddenly I had memories of being embarrassed for the opposite reason…for trying to communicate my feelings, only to have them invalidated by those who “loved” me.

Now I’m being taught that I am allowed to feel again. Yesterday when we were in the company of Wayne, Jillian and Christian, we were felt to be “softer”. Indeed, both Kathleen and I felt an emerging “social softness”, as it were. Ah, it felt so much nicer to choose stillness instead of words! Stillness allowed me to access my feelings and for Kathleen and I to speak directly from them for a change. Discovering the virtue in being this way in a social environment has helped me to feel what I truly feel about relationships that Kathleen has, including her relationship to social media. Together, she and I can move through life with a genuine and useful method of discernment about, well, everything. I no longer wish for us to simply exist and find ways to “get by”. I now desire for us to work together and find ways to LIVE.

With love and gratitude for you allowing me in through this writing,

Marge

​Visit soulfullheart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart healing process.

In The Lonely Room: Challenge, Struggle, Process, Surrender

Published on by Gabriel Heartman2 Comments

By Chris Tydeman

*This was written after a SoulFullHeart weekend group healing and energy session in Vancouver, BC.  It is a reflection and vulnerable description of my personal experience. 

As I write this, I am sitting in my living room.  I have renamed it The Lonely Room.  This name was brought to me by Jillian as a place where men go to digest, process, and reconnect.  It feels fitting in this moment and all others that have preceded it and have yet to pass.  To a part of you, it may sound depressing.  It certainly does to a part of me.  However, the reality is that this is the only place I can be right now to let in all that has been offered to me.  It has become sacred space.  A space where my parts, my daemon, and my connection to God can be together without distraction.

In my recent visit to Vancouver, I felt like a pinball.  At least, that is how a part of me felt.  But that is how it is sometimes.  We get put into play by our intention and desire.   We hit a rubber wall of resistance.  Other times we go through false walls and move right through.  We land in special places where lights sparkle and bells whistle with excitement, only to pop right out again to find more resistance, doors, and joyful resonance.  The flippers keep us in play to receive more lessons, more opportunity.  But eventually the ball comes to rest.  It rests in a quiet place.  To reflect, process, and download all that was felt.  This is The Lonely Room.

By now, you may be thoroughly confused.  Sorry about that.  Let me offer you my story.  As stated above, I went to Vancouver to join in a SoulFullHeart group session and energy healing.  Afterwards, I would visit with my daughter.  Even before getting there, I felt many emotions coming from multiple parts.  I have an arrest record that has made it a challenge to enter Canada.  Though I have taken the necessary steps to clear this, it has always been a 50/50 chance.  This brings up loads of anxiety and shame.  My young part, Christopher, is acutely afraid of authority.  “The men in black are scary!” he says.  The possibility of being told to turn around would be a blow to my fragile shame part, Shane.  It was difficult not to fuse with these parts.  I did what I could to allow the feeling to come in and reassure them I would not be arrested or turned away.  Easier said than done.

After lots of meditation and prayer I entered Canada and was given an opportunity to clear my record by a sympathetic border agent.  (Either that, or he just didn’t want to me to waste their time anymore.)  New life was infused within me and now it was negotiating transit to make it to my Mecca.  Now that I think of it, it was more of a pilgrimage than a sojourn, has I had previously thought of it.  Parts of me had found their way home.

The next day in group, I worked with a part of me that held my shame and guilt.  I had to admit something that was very painful to reveal.  This part of me, Marcus, is not comfortable with me being explicit, but the revelation was about his lack of self-worth and self-punishment.  In this moment, healing occurred, through Love and Grace.  A “rubber suit” had been placed around me to protect me from letting anything in, while at the same time not letting anything out.  Not a healthy combination.

Through this “feelization”, I was shown that my own daughter had inherited this suit.  This of course brought me more guilt and shame only to be held in love by Jillian and Wayne and was moved to remorse.  Not nearly as energetic and debilitating.  With remorse, there is awareness yet compassion.  To help my own child see this, I had to first remove mine.  This would be done during the energy session and it turned out to be a cocoon instead of a suit.  I was changed as a result.  A different me than the one that walked through the door.

That night I brought my new awareness to my daughter.  I could feel how much pain was residing in her young part over this.  We both reflect each other in our goodness, but also in our disconnectedness.  She was moved by my words and vulnerability in the moment, but could not let it all the way in, for her own reasons.   Reasons that I am all too familiar with.  I know that it will take time.  She has been offered this work as a way to help be more authentic in the world and to let in true love.  I was challenged as to how much of her resistance I was willing to accept.  To be honest, I really don’t know.  For now, all I can do is continue to bring my truth to her and see where it lands.  It has taken me some time to get here, and I am not able to let go yet.  This challenge, however, rattled my cage to the core, and has also led me to my relationship to my family and friends.

While I have created space from my family, I have not brought my process to them.  There are still too many energetics at play to be able to talk frankly about it.  I can write, but that is as far as I can go for now.  Though I know the time will come when I am ready.  This would be to truly love myself and them.  My friends, however, are more immediate.  I do not hold the level of energy I do with my family.  I was challenged again to feel what space I am holding for them while at the same time not being felt in my expression.  This is where struggle comes in.

As I go through this work, I become less and less connected to the “old” me.  That “old” me has built relationships around things that I no longer hold dear.  If this “new” me is as important to me as I say it is, how can I relate to my friends in an “old” way?  The answer is I can’t, but I still can’t say I won’t.  At some point, “I won’t”, will happen just as it did with my family.  I may need to go through one last cycle of expressing my authentic self.  This is where the “rubber meets the road”.  Cliché yet true.  The lack of connection may be loud and clear.  From there, I will have two options: Be old or be new.  A part of me already knows the answer; the other will need to experience it.  This is my process.

At the end of this process will be surrender.  Surrendering to what my daemon, Emmerich, knows to be true.  Surrendering to the faith he has in God.  Surrendering to the fear of letting my old friend, Marcus, go.  He will always be with me, just with a different name and a different role.  This will not happen overnight but rather over time, as the universe sees fit.

Though the road is sometimes bumpy and rough, I could not imagine being on any other one.  I am being real for the first time in my life.  I am taking responsibility for the life that has been gifted to me by the Divine.  By saying yes to this work I am saying yes to me and to love.  It is not forced upon me.  It is offered to me by the Mother and the love of Jillian and Wayne.  I am choosing this path because it is the one that feels the most authentic.  Thank you for reading this.  I always write for me initially, but somewhere I hope that someone may get something that comes out of The Lonely Room.

Visit SoulFullHeart.com for more articles and information about the SoulFullHeart Healing Process.

Love Thy Self; Love Thy Shadow

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

By Sequoia Heartman

Love.  It’s what we are all here to give and receive.  When we think of love we immediately and instinctively think of something or someone outside our self.  A love of art, music, or country.  Or the love of a family member, a close friend, or intimate partner.  All outside the realm of our own being.  But what of the love we seldom hear about?  The love of our own heart, our own soul, our own self.

We have not been taught that this is where true love actually starts.  And by love of self, I do not refer to confidence or self-esteem.  These arise naturally and organically with authentic self-love.  Confidence and self-esteem feel more like false prop-ups to get us through the days, weeks, or months.  Please do not infer that I do not believe in building self-esteem.  Rather I suggest it is just a step in the direction of real self-worth and acceptance.  I encourage all to not stop there.  True self-love is recognizing our shadow, accepting that it is a part of us, and listening to what it has to say.

The conversation may be difficult and very hard to hear.  However, when you allow it space to speak its truth, you have given it something it never had been given before…love.  We hide our shadow.  We ignore it, medicate it, or sometimes hate it.  It has only wanted to be heard and felt.  It doesn’t exist to destroy.  It is actually there to create.  Create a You that you never knew existed.  It may not feel like it from their initial words to you, but over time you will find that it has loved you more than you ever thought anyone on this planet ever has.  It just hasn’t been able to express itself in a healthy way.  It didn’t have a You there to talk to.

Through my SoulFullHeart process I have been led to this shadow part of myself.  Through my arising authentic, sacred Self or SoulFullHeart Self, I have been able to hold space for it.  Listen to it and not be afraid of it.  It is through this work that I find myself in the midst of not only being aware of my own heart, but taking the time to feel it, listen to it, and love it as I would my own child.  The rewards are far greater than the price I paid to get here.  When you feel it for the first time, like I have, you wonder how you ever got along without it.

Sequoia Heartman is an apprentice facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more.