Tag: emotional healing

Letting Go of My Roots to Experience My Wings

Published on by Kasha RosaLeave a comment

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 By Leena Colibri

In some ways I feel like I am learning to fly, perhaps really for the first time in my life. I have been releasing what has been encumbering me for years…the roots of so much wounding that begins in different sources, and the roots of many long-held belief systems that have informed all of my life decisions.

Even this morning when trying to meditate I felt in my body a heavy weight. With so much going on in the content of my life this past week, it has been difficult to reach for the air of context at times. Yet the feeling in my body and heart this morning was palpable. It feels to me like another piece of my process with Kathleen…a part of me that holds my birth name and has done life as me until recently. It has been difficult at times to feel anything other than her, which is understandable since I am asking her to let go of so much in a very short window of time. In a way it has been a years-long process of letting go, or at least getting ready to…but there is another level of existence that I want to inhabit in my life now that is more positive and as done with self-punishment as it can be. I am getting ready to let in more love and actually, I am letting in more love every day, despite Kathleen’s filters. There is only so much that can go in when I have defences up in the form of doubts and negative thought patterns about myself.

Over the last few months I have been working intensely on noticing my negative thought patterns. This, in a way, seems like it is Spiritual Kindergarten to do so, but until now I just never felt so driven to go in and notice these patterns the way I am now, despite years of seeking. I feel this has to do with my level of self-love rising and that my desire for more self-love is at the wheel. I feel Kathleen can feel that and is learning how to lean into that more as we live out each moment of our life together. She has so many questions about who she is without these ingrained habits and ways of being. I get that and I hold with her the tension of it. At times it is like birth pains as I hold her hand and she aches with the tremors of letting go. She doesn’t want to run life anymore yet she has an attachment to doing so. This is what I am working on with her now.

When I talk about my roots and letting go of them, what I mean is I am letting go (and helping Kathleen let go) of the ways in which she has been in life. This includes all conditioning from birth family and the culture I grew up in, as well as all of the self-made rules of “how to be”. So much conditioning begins when we are children and a lot of it is subconscious while only a percentage of it is conscious – we learn directly and indirectly through punishments, energetic responses/reactions, rewards, and how our traumas are treated by those with authority over us. It is clear to me that even though my family may not have consciously intended to teach me how to find a flaw in even the brightest day, they still managed over countless instances to ingrain such programming inside me. The culture I grew up in in Canada had its own way of teaching me how to live life and what success meant. Some of these pieces were reiterated by family and others were negated. Pieces like how a woman’s body should look, for instance, has been a painful one for me to process and work through and now I am finally learning how to love my body through changes and not punish myself into losing weight. I am learning quickly that there is always a more self-loving way in which to do things and make positive life changes without having to walk through chaos or self-punishment.

And so my uprooting continues. The swings of feeling good and feeling down or heavy are moving through me as I embrace life in a new way. I am reaching a new stratum of my own sense of spirituality and what it means to be a vessel for love. I am enjoying giving and receiving love in a new way, starting with myself and overflowing to my relationship with the Divine and with those closest to me. I am even enjoying giving and receiving love with people I have met only over Facebook via the SoulFullHeart Circle group that was started about a week or two ago. It is amazing what has moved for Kathleen and I, just to feel my heart open up to let in more love and care that way. I am floored by even my own capacity to give love, let alone receive it.

I am continuing to walk out this new chapter with holding and feeling Kathleen and experiencing my expanding capacity to be with myself and others in this new way. Maybe you will meet me there? 🙂

Leena Colibri is an apprentice facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more.

Afterglow Of Our Tears: Feel, love, and heal

Published on by Raphael AwenLeave a comment

By Raphael Awen

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Upstream of the negativity, we find our deepest fears, our un-manifest soul longings, and our regrets as well as our remorse, that will need to be brought out into the light of day and into the hearth of your heart for any epic change to occur to the flow of the magic in your life.

Lately, I’ve been feeling retracing some steps into a career thing of the past, and have been faced with some fears of simply repeating the past as opposed to inhabiting a new place and way of being inside of myself that is a much deeper manifestation of my true soul power. In my quandary, I feel a guidance coming from an angel connection that I envision.

The Angel’s name is Marcel, and these are the words and feeling tones he presses upon me and offers me to feel as well as to share as a new reality offering to live into:

There is never actually a lacking magic or power in your life. There is never the absence of the largesse of your being in your life. You will not one day learn how to be or do something more or differently than you presently are and then have a more fulfilling life or more magical life.

Your power and largesse of your magnificent being is here and fully present right now. This potent power may well be in subconscious service to your fears and staying small, but the power, your power is not absent or un-manifest, or lacking.

A powerful magic is currently directing, leading and populating your life as you know it right now.

The only thing that can bring true and deep change in your life is you awakening to and taking responsibility for this present power and magic of yours….making it conscious. Only then can you place your power in service of living into your bigness instead of your smallness.

When you make this choice, you will face directly the conditioning, the fears, the pain that underlies the current or past configuration of your not so magical feeling life. For this reason, most have not yet found the courage to embrace their power. However, facing and feeling and healing these ‘negatives,’ is the only way to the life you seek and desire.

Humankind moved in the direction of the solution to identify positive thinking as an answer, and to recognize the power of negativity, but has largely yet to look at what underlies the negativity. Here, upstream of the negativity, we find our deepest fears, our un-manifest soul longings, and our regrets as well as our remorse, that will need to be brought out into the light of day and into the hearth of your heart for any epic change to occur to the flow of the magic in your life.

When, and as this happens, everything changes. Nothing can stay the same, for the power holding an old configuration in your life has been fundamentally and irrevocably changed.

Feel your desire for these changes. Allow to come up to be felt every feeling energy that opposes this desire. Feel it, love it and heal it. This is not anything like cycling in a suffering loop of negativity. This is the bridge you must cross, that most aren’t yet willing to cross, out of the fear of their own manifest bigness.

Ask for help. Feel the divine feel you as you feel and heal all there is to feel. Let the dam of your tears break out. Feel the fear of never changing, of remaining stuck, of remaining un-manifest, of not showing up for your life. Don’t leave a single tear unshed.

Now, in the afterglow of your tears, there is an unmistakeable grounding and support – your always present magic, but now manifesting an entirely new arising world and universe.

You are now entering a parallel universe that is nothing less than your deepest dreams and desires arising into life as you never knew it before.

If these words resonate for you, I’d love to feel what you are feeling as you resonate. Say something! Claim something for yourself. I’d like to help you in any way I can if you are ready to take these steps to help yourself.

Love from Raphael and Marcel

Raphael Awen is co-creator and facilitator of SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Please visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more. 

The Gift of Sacred Friendship:  Diary of a HeartMan Blog Series

Published on by Gabriel Heartman1 Comment

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By Sequoia Heartman

On this day 29 years ago, a very unique soul entered this world.  Three and a half years ago she came like a lightning bolt into mine.  Young by physical age but not by soul.  A woman who has chosen a path and a lifestyle nearly unheard of in her generation.  An arising queen to lead her tribe back to health and thriving aliveness.

Catalina Colibri and I attempted a few romantic incarnations, but for multiple reasons we realized our bond was better served in a sacred friendship.  We are just beginning to explore what that really means.  How do two people with a romantic history navigate a new relationship to what it means to love each other? 

Simply said…be conscious, be vulnerable.  In this new space we can process old triggers and heal them to gain a new ground of intimacy that we couldn’t seem to access as a couple.  This doesn’t mean we are always going to be friends no matter what.  We still have to show up for each other in a way that serves our needs, our growth, and our authenticity.  There is always something at stake even in a sacred friendship.   

Similar to my friendship with Jelelle, Catalina has been an advocate for my growth into my kingliness.  Parts of me are challenged by her intensity and supported by her genuine love and care for me.  She is one of my biggest fans.  I feel her cheering me on to live in my biggest expression, even in her frustrations to my smallest reactions.

Any mate that I draw will be partly due to Catalina’s genuine advocacy.  I wish for any man to be able to heal their relationship to women so they can experience the kind of friendship I do with Catalina.  These relationships are rare but I know they exist.  They are unique, challenging, and powerful.

A woman like Catalina provides a mirror unto ourselves as to what it means to be a deeply spiritual and emotionally authentic male human being.  There were times in the past when her intensity caused parts of me to shut down and run. 

Now, even though the intensity has softened (comparatively), I find it refreshing and desirable, even while I may still have some initial reactions from my parts.  The intensity is real and raw.  A reflection of a part of me that I have repressed.

And THAT is the gift of sacred friendship.  A playground of relationality, a platonic ground of intimacy, and a mirror of what we can´t see in ourselves.  On your journey to King, I advise you draw your own Catalina,  a true sacred feminine advocate.  My parts and I would not be the same if she weren’t in my life.  My relationship to women has been truly changed forever due to her presence and advocacy.

Thank you, Catalina, from my heart and from the heart of the sacred masculine, for you being you. 

You too are a Queen and Catalyst of Kings. 

I love you for all you have been, all you are, and all you ever will be.  Happy Birthday.

Sequoia Heartman is an apprentice teacher of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit SoulFullHeart Way Of Life  for more information. Go here to become his friend on facebook. 

Itchy Skin, Itchy Heart: Life As An Initiate At SoulFullHeart Sanctuary Blog Series

Published on by Kasha RosaLeave a comment

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By Leena Colibri

This is why I walk this path. This is why I am able to walk through fire without flinching. These shifts are what make the ride through my shadowland worthwhile.

Note: This is the sixth entry in the Life As An Initiate At SoulFullHeart Sanctuary Blog Series. Go here to read part one. 

The white, dried-out, chalky dust of the baking soda/water mix I’ve applied to my itchy, red skin continues to flake off in the seemingly million places where I have put it. Even typing as I am now is tough because part of me continues to be distracted by the dust now accumulating on the keys of the keyboard, worried that they will somehow wedge themselves in between them and ruin the keyboard altogether. Yet this reaction and distraction is small potatoes compared to the incredible itch that I applied the baking soda paste to combat in the first place.

My palms are the itchiest at the moment. And the itch, unlike on the rest of my arms, is not surrendering to this thick white substance and continues to itch relentlessly. Perhaps my healing chakras on my hands are opening. That could very well be, as the process I’m in now is very much preparing me to eventually offer healing to others.

Interestingly, my process since my last stay at the sanctuary about 10 days ago, has been about emotionally letting go of an old skin. I have been feeling just how much a part of me would rather keep people at arm’s length (or farther) and all of the toxicity that she has absorbed from past templates on how to be in life that led her to this level of resistance to compassion many years ago. This has been quite an intense amount of shadow to go into and I am still in it, though the light is now appearing at the end of the tunnel, right in step with an intense allergic reaction on my skin that keeps ebbing, flowing and itching.

When my process into this shadowland first began last week, almost right away I ended up with a fever that laid me up for several days. That first night of sweating spells felt akin to past lives of self-induced fevers caused by taking various herbs in order to download “Divine” messages for the upcoming season as per the demand of the people I was in service to as a Priestess. I had flashes of past life possibilities and felt also a breath of air from the Divine that told me everything was alright and that I needed these waves of detox to help me move into my next layer of myself.

By the time I returned to La Cruz, where I am living part time in order to work my online job and help support our community, I was feeling much better though I had a round of intense tummy troubles that eased off eventually but then returned a few days later, though not as severely. Now I am wading through a rash that suddenly came on several days ago and seems to get worse, but then get better before getting worse all over again. Right now it feels like this wave is simply another way for the toxic energy I have been moving for the last 10 days + to continue leaving my emotional, spiritual, and physical bodies. Phew. I am looking forward to getting to the other side of this one.

I wanted to share my story in this moment because it somehow feels important, for you as well as for me. It helps me digest all of the changes moving through me and also may help to illuminate for you why you may suffer some intense physical symptoms at times. In my very recent experience, it seems this is how our bodies communicate to us that there are changes going on and there is such a strong need for more stillness and self-care during this period of time. Not to mention that if you aren’t already, I would strongly suggest you check in with what you are feeling or maybe what part of you is avoiding feeling. Doing this helps me move my symptoms faster. It is not something I have been doing frequently enough lately, perhaps…and yet I can also feel how my body, for some reason, has just needed to express my healing in this way. This helps me and my parts to surrender to it easier.

Along with the waves of healing that I feel coming into me even while the symptoms are strong, I feel myself emerging from something akin to a long, long slumber. I feel as if I am being renewed and baptized into a new way of being that isn’t going to come over night but that I am consciously stepping into right now.  The amazing thing is that I feel how the shifts outside me are a reflection of the shifts happening inside me, and that even while I hold part of me’s reactions to people, I can still feel my heart opening. These are the pieces I treasure right now. This is why I walk this path. This is why I am able to walk through fire without flinching. These shifts are what make the ride through my shadowland worthwhile.

I hope this inspires you in some way to keep going into yourself too. I know that even writing this out for myself has helped me look inside and recognize what is happening in a new way. I may be a half-baked butterfly still mostly nestled in a cocoon for now, but it is only for now. I am on way. So are you.

Catalina Colibri is an initiate of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life and you can read more of her writing here on this blog. Please visit SoulFullHeart Way Of Life for more information.

Feeling My Spirit/Matter Split (Part Two): Life As An Initiate At SoulFullHeart Sanctuary Blog Series

Published on by Kasha RosaLeave a comment

This is part two of Feeling My Spirit/Matter Split in the Life As An Initiate At SoulFullHeart Sanctuary Blog Series. Go here to read part one.

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By Kathleen Calder

My intention for this writing today is to have you join me in a feeling space around what it means to be “separate”. What comes to you when you think about separation? A recent break-up or completion with a beloved? The day your mother/father/other family member died? The day you left for college or moved out of your childhood home in general?

Each movement and phase of life often involves a death and rebirth cycle that can encompass some sort of separation being necessary. Of course the very first separation we viscerally experience in our lives comes at the very beginning – the moment we emerge from our mother’s womb. The very first tears we cry are often in this moment, feeling the separation from our warm gestation place and mourning the chance to be the closest to our mother that we ever will be. For the first time, we can feel sensations in our bodies of a changing need for our adaptation and therefore survival. We are still dependent, but we have exited from an intense phase of being held by something bigger than us. We now must begin to build our muscle tone, our dexterity, and, beyond the physical, we must also start developing our emotional bodies, for once again we have been born into this dense and often difficult environment which we call life on Earth (as we know it today, anyway).

As each new skill learned and new emotion is discovered and felt for the first time, we start to develop a digestive system within us and a new way of processing data that needs less and less help (ideally) from our caregivers as we go along. With each new chapter of our lives, we let go more and more of (or desperately try to cling to in denial of our need for change) those pieces of our life that once represented who we were and can no longer stay with us as we continue to grow. Like a child constantly outgrowing their clothes, we too are meant to outgrow relationships in which the person can’t or won’t make the choice to come with us or vice versa, and the “clothes” (or, sadly and more commonly, armor) we have tried on in order to reflect, avoid, or defend our emotional realities.

We are meant to gestate over and over again and birth out into a new world just the same. We are meant to have help digesting the “food” others give us to help us grow, both consciously and unconsciously. We are meant to cry out if we feel neglected in any way, or as if there is a lack of love flow in our lives. We are meant to ache out the pain of our separation from the original source of Infinite Love in infinite supply. Only then, in my experience, can we begin to feel that though the fog may feel thick sometimes, we are always connected by a Divine umbilical cord. This is not an ideology. To me, it feels like simple fact. And yes, I and parts of me, are still letting that in.

This, to me, is the core of where our Spirit/Matter split lies. It is certainly the core of mine. I truly feel that my soul has been around and around this world and each time that the original and at times insurmountable feeling of being separate from the Divine must be felt through again with the first breaths of a new life beginning, has been harder and harder. At times parts of me have reacted to this by going so far into Matter that it “matters” more than Spirit possibly could. After all, it is the more relatable place to be in for most human relationships…perhaps because deep in our souls and hearts we are aching out the same pain of the original separation and just want to avoid feeling it as much as we can.

There have also been times in my life where parts of me have tried to lean so far into Spirit that the art of responding to life and at least the Matter that really “matters” got waylaid. This over-leaning into Spirit led me into a sort of constant depression and heaviness inside me as parts of me reluctantly walked through heartbreak, loss, and disappointment, fixating on the pain and not the goodness of life, as if throwing some sort of tantrum and saying, “Look Divine Mom and Dad! Look at how miserable I am! I shouldn’t be here! Take me home, please!”

This sort of stark split isn’t the easiest life theme to work. I am grateful to be awake enough to it that I can feel and begin to understand how my parts formed around it and why they have the reactions they do. There is still some deep pain inside me about living out another life on Earth, especially during this dark time for humanity, but at least now I am equipped to feel it through and ache it out consciously instead of having it play out in the same pattern it has until now. Perhaps it will still need to play out in some ways that are similar to how it has done so in the past, but I can trust that if that comes up, there is something more I need to look at and feel about it.

Spirit and Matter may feel like opposites at times, but really they seem to be meant to work together. We are meant to ground into Matter while opening up to Spirit and engaging in all of this with others in conscious and sacred friendship and community. Sadly, not many of us are raised to feel that both are equally important. We wouldn’t need to be here if Matter didn’t have something to offer the Spirit within and around us.

As I continue to write this, I feel how I am writing in the world of Matter through Matter’s means, while connecting to and channeling Spirit. Spirit can come through because of this conduit of “me”. Right now Spirit is communicating through my heart, my brain, my language of English, the keyboard I am typing with, the computer that is holding and hosting this document, and eventually the World Wide Web where these words will be posted. And this is only one way in which to try and communicate what I am communicating.  There are myriad other ways in which Spirit tries to reach us and show us that Matter is not all there is or all we need. Sometimes that message can only come through severe accidents or diseases or just at the very end of a life…but then again, it also comes to us through orgasm, deep connection with others, deep and prioritized connection with ourselves, and each and every time we find ourselves awed or humbled by nature itself in any form.  There is no difference between any of these experiences, except method and form. Spirit is there. Matter is there also. One cannot be found without the other, just as we ourselves are an embodiment of both.

It feels like Spirit has enjoyed expressing through me today, regardless of how deeply it can actually land its message in you through me. I am but one messenger and one pipeline. And in truth, this sense of a split that needs acknowledge and healing is such a sovereign, personal, and sacred process to be in, that whatever path you are walking right now is your own expression of it. Maybe one day our paths will align, and if they do, I will be there to walk this healing path with you in whatever way we are meant to do so together.

 

Kathleen Calder is an initiate at the SoulFullHeart Sanctuary and you can read more of her writing here on this blog. Please visit SoulFullHeart Sanctuary for more information about staying with us and virtual sessions

 

The Journey to Us: Love Letters to My Queen

Published on by Gabriel HeartmanLeave a comment

This is the first in a series of letters and poems that sends out my heart cry to my Queen.  The woman that has been with me yet apart from me since I really let in my ache for a mate about a year ago.  I had a part of me that had resisted deep, powerful, and transformative sacred romance with a woman that could take me to places I never felt like I could inhabit.  I am still in the process of healing, and always will be, but I am more than ever ready to do so with someone who can inspire and ignite my King.  These are for you, my love, wherever…whomever you may be.  

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Today I begin my journey to Us in earnest

Two souls in ache to mate

…to discover

…to grow, expand, and deepen.

At times you feel like you live on the other side of the world

At others you are right by my side

Head resting on my shoulder

Your arm entwined with mine

Some times, the hard times

You feel like you don’t exist at all.

But I keep walking

Keep feeling

Keep trusting that you have been with me all along.

Along busy, noisy roads

Just trying our best to keep it all together

Keeping the insanity of this world from unraveling us.

Along tranquil, serene trails

Connecting to our souls, our reason for being

Letting the magic of Nature’s divinity cleanse us

Clear us

Along the inner tributaries of our hearts

The winding, curving rapids of our lust, passion, and power

The straight and gentle flow of our stillness and groundedness.

We are destined to find each other

We already exist.

Can we let that in?

Can we allow ourselves to be terrified and undeserving

While continuing to call out to each other?

Can we hold both desire and fear?

I will do so for you

For you are my reason

                               my inspiration

                                         my motivation

You are my mirror

                      my challenge

                               my co-creator

You are my Queen

And I ache to be your King

Your strength to lean into

Your passion to wrap around

Your heart to feel you

Your arms to hold you

Your body to make love to you

Your soul to awaken with

I send you this heart cry, my love

Wherever you are

Whomever you are

Let it stand and shine like a beacon

A solar flare

We will find each other.

I will not stop

I may trip

I may struggle

But I will never stop feeling

How much I want to love you

Now matter how much it may hurt to do so.

~

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual teacher, men’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life. Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings athttps://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Introducing “Essencism”: A New Movement Towards Ourselves

Published on by Kasha RosaLeave a comment

 

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By Kathleen Calder

I have begun to consider myself an “Essencist”. I don’t think that term exists yet, but I like it. Why? Because it doesn’t already have a role attached to it, an image of the person who may be involved in it, or even necessarily an existing set of beliefs. Well, I guess in a way it does, since I am coming up with it as someone who embraces SoulFullHeart, a healing and consciousness path where we speak of “essence” quite a bit, and yes, we have some specific beliefs we work with. They are fluid though, as life and the Divine always seem to be arising for us anew, depending on the chapter of our lives we are living out individually and as a community. To be an “Essencist”, to me, means that no matter what changes your life brings you, you believe in the power of your essence and you are also constantly in hot pursuit of what you feel it to be in every single moment, letting it be an unending journey of discovery with relentless curiosity.

I feel like I am diving into a chapter of pursuing what the heck my essence could be. I am experiencing the beginnings of what promises to be a deep journey of self-mating – deep, hot, romantic pursuit of the parts of me who have been neglected or put aside until now, and ultimately of my own heart and soul and what it’s made of. Is it difficult for parts of me to imagine that this phase could last a long time and that could mean not pursuing mateship with a man for a long time? Yes. Of course. And I also feel that I wouldn’t want to offer a future mate anything less than what I am already discovering about myself and my truest heart or my essence, nor do I desire a mate who can’t or won’t offer me the same, coming from an overflow of his own self-mateship.

So here we go, with much strength and motivation…but where is my vulnerability around it? Parts of me don’t feel too good about this idea, while it sounds good. It is different than what most other young women and men my age care about doing. So there is a deep loneliness I can feel inside myself too in this moment. Yet I can feel the possibilities of there being others and the chance for deeper relationships with others my age than I have experienced so far. And how could I draw what I really want in relationship if I am not pursuing it and cultivating it inside myself?

Perhaps the essence of being an “essencist” is actually selfishness, then. I selfishly want to focus on myself so that I can selfishly claim the gifts of that journey and the manifestation of that which I have always wanted in my deepest essence. To be an “essencist” means embracing personal other-ness – the fact that you are as unique as you feel yourself to be, whether you have been born with the sex of a woman or a man, or earned the role of accountant, actor, mother, brother, teacher, or priest.

What I want more than anything, as far as I can feel for what I know of my essence thus far, is to know and be known, but not in a superficial way. I feel encouraged to inhabit a new way of being in life where I pursue myself with so much curiosity that it overflows into a deep curiosity about others and puts me in a position where I love others’ essences so fiercely that I will fight for it the way I am beginning to fight for my own. I have already experienced tastes of my capacity for this as I have felt many moments of my capacity to feel others and how it is deepening with every step I take towards feeling myself first.  I am becoming more and more compassionate towards the false while advocating for the real. In a world that very much still tries to revolve around created personas and smokescreens, this is very challenging. This could be why I like the idea of a movement, if you will, that we could call “Essencism” – encouraging all human beings to get back to themselves in a healthy, authentic way, cultivating a relentless overflow of self-love that spills over into every aspect of their lives.

I feel in my essence a spark that keeps glowing, even when the night is at its darkest and all of life seems to parts of me to be conspiring against my/their happiness or comfort. It is something that I really don’t feel I will ever fully come to know, but that’s not as important as it is to keep discovering and getting closer to that answer, even if all I end up with at the end of each day is more data pointing out what it is not. So for now I will continue to try on each and every day and take it for a spin in my proverbial Cadillac, seeking and finding more answers while feeling myself deeply through every challenge and hard-to-feel feeling inside my parts and my heart.

 

Kathleen Calder is an initiate at the SoulFullHeart Sanctuary and you can read more of her writing here on this blog. Please visit SoulFullHeart Sanctuary for more information about staying with us and virtual sessions

A Keynote To Selves: Golden Earth Tales

Published on by Raphael AwenLeave a comment

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(This is Part Twelve of the ongoing blog series: Golden Earth Tales.)

(Raphael delivered the following address on Saturday, May 7, 2016)

I would like to begin by thanking each and every one of me for your presence here this afternoon.

I am especially grateful for your curiosity, your desire, along with your hopes and your dreams.

I called this private meeting by specific invitation to each and every one of you as the personalities that make up what is tragically and all too simply referred to as ‘me’, as if ‘you’ didn’t exist. I know we all too often seek to be seen as one, understandably so, given our culture and the cults we are inescapably a part of, but we are in fact a glorious ‘we’ that I seek not only to address today, but desperately also need to get to know.

I know that you as distinct persons live in me as I often experience two or more of you as a tension or a polarity between two choices or energies inside of me. When I am less present to that tension, one of you willingly and sometimes willfully steps in to hold that tension. Here I again see your presence, your reality, your power, and your being. I could go on with example after example of your distinct and separate reality, but that would be in service only of convincing others, not present here today. You, I sense and feel, need little convincing.

I wonder what it is like being a part of me. I wonder what it is like for you when in my partial or full absence, you are left with doing life as me and in my name. What is it like for you to feel the power of my life; the identity of my life; the realized and unrealized dreams and potential of my life? What is ‘my’ life to you? How much of it is a shared reality of yours and ‘mine’, and in what ways? When and why were you born? Who in me did you rule over or submit to, and why?

Though we share one body, one brain, one physical history, and the illusion of being only one, we are in fact many. We are each different. We are each unique. As the Apostle Paul tried to convey in his teaching about the body of Christ when he said ‘Can the hand say to the foot, I have no need of you,’ we must recognize that we are a ‘we’, both separate, distinct and an inseparable oneness at the same time. Both are true. The folly would again be quite plain if when asked, “How are you?” to reply, “I am doing great. My liver has cancer, but I am just great, thanks.” As Paul went on to conclude: ‘When one suffers, all suffer. When one rejoices, all rejoice.’

I would like to not only recognize the fact of our distinct beings, but go on to get to know and feel the distinctions among us. I cannot say that I know you unless I am allowed and afforded a way to feel what you feel, to see what you see, to hear what you hear. I can no longer overlay my view of life onto you and rob you and myself from the sensational pleasure of mutual curiosity.

If one of you is not well, ‘I’ am not well. One of you, or I, may wish to hide another part of me that is in pain for a variety of reasons, as I know too often is the case for most of us ‘humans’. But let us be much clearer here in this private place than we are in the public place; ‘I’ am not well when one of you, one of ‘us’ is in pain, or disconnect, or has a deep unmet need.

All too often, ‘I’ have presented the conclusive “I am fine, thanks,” in response to an inquiry about how I was doing. I was quick to divert the lie by returning the presumptive non-question back to the other ‘person’; “And, how are you?” We have for so long co-signed this co-dependent perception of self as being a single personality that it is truly stunning that any functionality and sanity remains in us. We have even gone so far to as to culturally outlaw the very idea of being more than one with labels such as ‘multiple personality disorder’. I would like to go on record in this meeting, in this place with each of you present, to say that the term we must now accept into our lexicon is in fact ‘single personality disorder.’ The source of so much of our neurosis and the suffering of people is found here in this denial of being.

Before I wax too strong in my convictions and again fall prey to an old focus on others, I must apologize to you, the parts of me that I present as ‘I’. I deeply and profoundly apologize for my complicity in this appearance of being well when I was not. I was wrong. I am sorry. I am sorry for all the pain I caused to each and every one of you in a multitude of ways that it will take some time to fully feel. I wish to end this cycle now. I wish to take all the time it takes to feel it all, even if it extends beyond this life, or to alternative realities of what I’ve thought ‘life’ to be. I want to feel what you feel. I want to experience life from where you experience it. I must also ask each of you to join me in this apology to one another; to accept the end of this façade along with all of its attendant maladies that take away from our true and glorious wellbeing.

Both I and we have lived a long time in a picture of reaching out to others. I and we identified strongly with attaining a picture of being a leader with influence over others. Here, we felt and thought and imagined would be our fulfillment to the full. Others would convey and reflect back to us our worth, our sense of a life well lived. Today, I am inviting each and every one of you to see that the others I sought to help, that I sought to gain the favor of, are in fact not ‘other’, but WE are the ‘they’ we sought to heal and help. The realization of self that we sought to attain inside of a picture of being a healer to others is now dawning on our consciousness as the realization of our selves. There is no other to heal. There are no others in need of healing for me to offer or affect healing to.

Just as Jesus said, ‘I am the door, If anyone enter in by me, he shall find rest,’ so too each of us must find the grace and power to say the same thing of our-selves. Each singular one of us, in this multiplicity of being, is responsive to and responsible for our own healing. We must each own our own healing. Each one of us is responsible for our own conditioning, our own beliefs, and our own relationships to all of life. Each of us must now find the door to our hearts to search our souls deeply to determine what is worthy of remaining and what must be let go of in the sacred domain of our lives.

What we previously imagined to be the good life of being known by others must now be transformed into the much deeper and more glorious good life of knowing our selves. Our sense of meaning and purpose and gift to the world must also now originate and complete inside of our selves. Our fame must spread deep and wide to all the ends of our own kingdom.

How could I have imagined that we could have been of service to others while there was violence to our selves? How could I have dreamed of a world at peace while our own world was not even acknowledged? I want to sacrifice these imaginations and dreams on the sacred and holy altar of this new calling that is here now. I now know however, that unlike I thought in the past, I cannot mandate anything. I have no mandate today.

I have a desire. I have a dream.

In my dream, I awoke. I awoke to the presence and personality of you. In my dream, I was pierced by acute curiosity of who and why and what you were and are, and will become. This dream has overtaken me. I wish to yield every remaining breath and sunrise to this dream.

I surrender my future to us. I will love you in every breath. I will long to get to know you in every joy and in every sorrow.

I long for this day to begin now.

May we enter a new world now,

world without beginning,

world without end,

Amen.

Thank you to each and every one of me.

Raphael Awen hails from SoulFullHeart Sanctuary. You can also track him on twitter via @raphaelawen, or on facebook: ­­­­­­­facebook.com/raphaelawen1. Please visit our Patreon Page if you’d like to support SoulFullHeart Sanctuary. We’d love to receive some of your money!

The Fog

Published on by Kasha RosaLeave a comment
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By Kathleen Calder

I haven’t been to the other side yet.
There’s no knowing
just feeling
just sensing in a moment to a moment, by a notion of a passing moment.
A passion drives on
beneath the waves of the crash
of the bang and the ping and the
                SLAM!
                        …there it is again.

 

And it waits for no one, but it thrashes in spite
wishing to be fought for
and thought of.
Felt
         seen
                   heard.

 

A hand reaches to my heart.
Electro currents of fiery change-waves
upheaving and churning the swell of the currents
the water and air around me
the unexpected gentle and suddenly
being brought back to the reality
            That I am loved…

 

The kicking, the screaming
still inside me
being boiled and bustled by that hand.
Those Divine fingers
playing in the air like a song
of ice, fire and water
changing the state of my outward sustenance
so that I learn to breathe
             new air.

 

I could never have asked for this

 

I would never have asked for this.

 

Not if I didn’t somehow know
somewhere inside the inside
That I was
             born for this
                               borne by this
                                               and reborn
to discover, rediscover, forget and then remember
              maybe somehow
             there is always love.

 

Kathleen Calder is an initiate at the SoulFullHeart Sanctuary and you can read more of her writing here on this blog. Please visit SoulFullHeart Sanctuary for more information about staying with us and virtual sessions.

 

A Woman’s Worth

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

 

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By Jelelle Awen

I am worthy just as I am.

I am worthy no matter what is in my bank account or how others perceive me.

I am worth all that I desire that comes from a place of authentic longing.

I am worth love and to be loved.

I am worth experiencing passion in my relationships and especially with my mate.

I am worth being treated with respect and reverence.

I am worth claiming my birthright as a sacred human child of the Divine.

I am worth growing, breathing, and inhabiting life on this earthly dimension.

I am worth feeling wanted and wanting others in return.

I am worthy of these things and……so are you.

These are not just positive affirmations. This is how I experience life most of the time. It has taken many tears, many tough choices, and much healing to feel this way about myself. It has taken saying ‘no’ to things which didn’t serve my worth or my sense of it. It has taken reclaiming a relationship with the Divine after spending much of my life claiming to be agnostic. It has taken serving others, especially women, to get to know and heal the part of them that holds unworthiness.

A woman recently said to me with tears in her eyes and an ache in her heart, “I don’t feel worthy,” when I presented her with a picture of passionate relationship. This moment of vulnerability being shared with me touched me and I could feel, indeed, the part of her that doesn’t feel worthy of what her soul and heart aches to experience. I don’t know all the reasons why this part of her feels this way but I am very familiar with the texture of unworthiness as I have felt it myself all of my life.

I believe that we all have a part of us that feels unworthy. It is usually buried in the shadows under another part, a more strategic and outbound part of us that covers over this very tender feeling with frequencies of false humility, confidence, even arrogance. Arrogance is always about a part who is trying to protect the feelings of being unworthy under neath. In my experience, getting to know and connect with the protector of the unworthiness first is what allows it to eventually come forward. Unworthiness (like many shadow aspects) is often more visceral, emotional, and non-verbal. It is stomach churning feelings of yuck about ourselves. It is the sense that we are not worth anything and never will be. I remember gut-wrenching sobbing as my unworthiness unfurled itself to be felt by a parts facilitator and the Divine. It was very challenging to feel this and to share it with someone else but I am so very glad that I did.

My heart hurts for the unfelt unworthiness parts inside of so many people. As I have felt this aspect of myself, it has healed to a sense of innate goodness about myself. Unconditional and mostly unfaltering. Working with this aspect has allowed me to set boundaries with people when I’ve needed to, when it doesn’t serve my goodness to be in relationship with them. At times, I still have a part of me that struggles with ‘rejection’ and can still feel unworthy related to that, especially when it concerns my writing or SoulFullHeart. I imagine that this aspect is something that I will be feeling and healing for the rest of my life.

The message that I have been able to let in from the Divine more and more is that I am worthy to experience love and that, actually, I am Infinite Love. It can be very challenging to claim a life based in self worth yet the rewards of feeling your own goodness alive in your life are so worth it. As are you…

~

Jelelle Awen is an emoto-spiritual teacher, sacred feminine and union facilitator, soul scribe, waySHOWer, galactic love ambassador, and co-creator and teacher of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. She is author of  Keep Waking Up! Awakening Journeys To Avalon And Beyond and an upcoming book,Sacred Human, Arising Wonder. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.