Your truest and deepest heart and soul vocation is not chosen by you or any part of you. It chooses you! It is not so much a process of grabbing at it or “going for it” as becoming it from the inside out, like a sculpture arising from clay, shaped by the hands of love.
Your soul purpose arises organically from the ashes of what you’ve let go of, the fires you’ve walked through, the choice points you’ve navigated. It aligns with your soul bigness, challenges you to continue your growth path, invites you into a deeper trust in the inevitability of your awakenings and offerings to the world around you. This happens even with parts of you that may be polarized to fear, trying to bury your emerging sense of it underneath layers and layers of self-punishment and 3D focus that serve to keep you small. The greatest and most frightening shifts in life, for parts of you, are the ones that challenge you the most to be your biggest self. Their push-pull around it is about the comfortable discomfort of the womb they’ve been waiting to birth from. You are the mother of your parts, gestating your soul expression, and life is the doula awaiting at the end of every birth canal, working to guide and hold you through what can feel like a very long and difficult journey.
Every part of you will relate to this journey of soul purpose differently. Some will shun it or disbelieve it and others will want it so badly that they may become the dominant part of you that holds your spiritual journey and discoveries, often with an agenda and also an overemphasis on “needing” certifications, recognition, etc. along with a feeling of urgency, of needing to be living it out NOW, without really feeling all of the ways in which you already ARE. If your soul purpose is to arise from the process of your life and your choices, then the grabbing and aggrandizing of it won’t bring it any closer any faster and won’t humbly let it in the process of claiming and deeply becoming it, step by step.
Your vocation may not be exactly as parts of you had imagined it to be, as the “self” you’ve been up until this moment thought it would or could be. Or maybe it is! Either way, you CAN trust that it WILL emerge and in fact already is emerging. You can trust that you are finding your way, even when it feels like a fumble in the dark and that the fog stretches for endless miles around you. You are being invited into your service-of-love self and you are popping through your next and next ceilings, being in your bliss-mess, learning how to surrender to love as the biggest facilitator of all and the greatest “boss”, trainer and teacher you’ll ever have! ❤
***
Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, soul scribe, and poetess. Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.
The illuminating LOVE waves cascading over us now and always, are shedding light on the knotted places inside. The places that, when touched, send ripples of what have become knee-jerk triggers flowing through our hearts and bodies. Feelings of defeat or a need or contend, feelings of loss or a need to over-compensate for what has been lost, feelings of needing and wanting to “fight” – for revenge, for retribution, in defense, in anxiety – ultimately, out of fear on some level. Contention and the temptation towards it that parts of us and Metasoul Aspects have is the BIG one, it feels like. It has been the main default for when we feel reactions. It’s either time to go to war, or it’s time to hide. And the middle ground doesn’t often get navigated, for even to claim to be a ‘light” or “love warrior” still throws down the gauntlet and invites a battle of some kind.
Love, because it is SO powerful when it’s in its purest, most real form, has the power to elucidate this reactivity and does draw out the desires in parts and Metasoul Aspects to fight in some way, often against it actually, because genuine love is a challenging energy to let in and presses on all of the unworthiness within us. Sometimes we need to walk this out and obviously as a species, human beings have been attached to this sort of play out in conflictual situations for a long time now. We cannot fault or blame the parts of us or others who have embodied this, as we’ve all co-created it in so many layers and sometimes even in subtle ways, and, these parts have NEEDED these energies. Especially in the harsh reality of 3D where there is competition, abuse and violence on MANY levels, socio-pathic ferocity without consideration of its impact, and misguided use of power, so often rooted in an intense need for more self-worth and love within.
At times, contentious energies seem to pop out of us, sometimes unsolicited, sometimes fully invited. These energies and emotions, like any others that come through us in waves, sometimes need to take the floor. Choosing to make space for this, to own it and feel it and get curious about it too, opens to the door to much, much healing on this ground. To the degree that we have contention still brewing inside of us, quite often from part to part or very much alive in a timeline (or many) of our Metasoul Aspects, we will draw it, even look for it, on the outside. In this incredibly complicated world that has been so violent and painful at times to face and be part of, reclaiming our power IS to go inward and become the loving parent to parts of us that so need a humble adult heart to lean into. We’ve all felt the distrust that arises and the lostness feelings of needing to claw our way up and out of the wells we’ve found ourselves in. Contention has so often been the only way that parts of us could grab onto to help themselves out of the well, often exacerbating the situation instead of resolving it, especially within where the real contention is and has always been…
With these Ascension love codes helping us feel all of this now, comes an invitation to continue feeling our next places and especially where those more contentious triggers within us are still living. We get to be with these energies as they live inside parts and Metasoul Aspects of us and help them find and feel a NEW way that lives in and from true self-love and an overflow of abundant compassion and love from us to the world and back again. This is the way of drawing the new day of the New Earth into our Now, not as an event to wait for, but a reality that emerges from within and contagiously and courageously flows outward.
***
Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, soul scribe, and poetess. Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.
As I participate in the creation of the home we are building for Sequoia out of cob (a combination of clay, subsoil, straw and water), as I witness this cabana birthing out of the ground from materials which come exclusively from the ground….I am reminded of the death and rebirth cycle. Creation always brings us closer to the edge of where things begin and eventually where they complete. Immersed as I am in this project right now, I know that some day it will be finished and no longer will it arise anew, responding to contributions of my alchemy, passion, and physical focus. I will have moved on to something else, a new creation will beckon me to make something out of nothing.
Our attention and creativity is meant to wrap around something with focus on the end product while holding reverence for the process. Then, we are able to detach and move on to the next. I find that the more access I have to the part of me or subpersonality that holds my creativity, the more I can navigate and inhabit whatever I am involved in from a place of investment and then detachment.
For many years, my creativity was high jacked by the part of me that holds depression. It seemed that I couldn’t write creatively or work on a creative art project without being in a state of sadness, angst, and melancholy. This depression part of me didn’t feel alive unless she was creating something and yet, she could only be creative by dredging up her pain and using her agony as the primary source of fuel. I stopped publically writing for a few years as I focused on feeling and healing this part of me through journaling with her and being felt by a parts facilitator. This part of me had a complicated relationship with my creativity. She felt that she needed to express this way as means to off gas her pain even though it didn’t actually get felt, only exploited. I believe that a lot of artistic and creative people have a depression part that relates to their creativity in this way which is why so many of them suffer from suicidal depression. Add in another part of us that needs validation and attention from others related to our creativity and it can be a recipe for suffering.
It took me some time to find my writer’s voice again, healed greatly from depression and suffering, and now coming from a new source of Divine inspiration. Creating from this place is about an overflow produced from connection with myself, parts of me, Raphael, others in our community, animals, nature. It comes from an overall sense of joy and goodness about my life. It comes from the feeling of loving and being loved. This love spring has gushed forth eight years worth of blog entries and five books. It turns out that connecting with Divine creative inspiration is also pretty productive.
If someone asked me about how to relate to their creative process, I would offer that we have to feel which part of us is ‘in charge’ of it. As I already mentioned, it can be a depression part which primarily holds it. Or, there can be a very strong identity or persona part related to our creativity with a self image-based claim of being an ‘artist’ or ‘writer’. Or it can be an inner, young child part of us that relates with it like a secret outlet kept hidden away from others because it feels too vulnerable to share. It can be suppressed by a protector or controller part of us to such an extent that we don’t feel like we are creative at all. If creativity is about connecting to Divine inspiration, then also we need to look at the part of us (which we call the Daemon or soul guardian) that opens up access to our soul consciousness and Divine connection. When in Divine thrall or communion, we feel that the act of creating and our creation is ultimately in service of the Divine and in surrender to It as well.
Whether it is building something or writing or painting or making banana bread, creativity can be an expression of our sacred humanity. It can be a glorious testament and honouring of that which transcends reality even as it paints off of the canvas of our ordinary lives. It can honor that which begins and that which inevitably reaches a completion. The Divine doesn’t require masterpieces; only honestly focused expressions of our authentic essence creatively dipping into the waters of Infinite Love in celebration of love and life.
Jelelle Awen is co-creator and a facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way of Life. Visit SoulFullHeart Way Of Lifefor more information about staying at the Sanctuary and sessions.
SoulFullHeart Mandala designed by Christopher Tydeman
by Christopher Tydeman (now Sequoia Heartman)
Since I can remember, a part of me has generally been a loner. Not in the lonely sense of the word but in the “I enjoy my me time” sense. When I wasn’t playing with friends (yes, I did have them), I was in my room playing with my Star Wars action figures, building with my Legos, or outside climbing trees and acting out loud some dramatic scene of me saving the world. Though I had a few close friends in my life, ones that I spent a lot of time with, I still found myself enjoying my “me” time.
In regards to my family, I can remember liking my space from the volatility of my birth parents. The stresses of everyday life found there way energetically into the house and my room was a respite from that. I remember having close family friends that I spent weekends and summers with. That was my first taste community outside the family unit. As kids, we fought, argued, did the silent treatment, forgot what we were mad about, and then continued on. All within a span of 30 minutes most times. Having fun was way more important. But when I got into my room, I felt like I was home. I could rest and be me.
When I became a teenager, this need for personal space amplified, as it does for most. I had a core group of friends that I partied and hung out with quite often, but, again, I found solace in my room. This time it was with music, television, and art. Staying up until the wee hours drawing album covers for my favorite heavy metal bands. I felt a “me” in my room that no one could touch. When I was “out there”, it was about fitting in, staying away from the assholes, and following the rules. Community was a much bigger and scarier place.
As I entered college, and moved into dormitory life, community felt a bit safer and more real. So many different people coming together with so many different ways of seeing and feeling the world. It was exciting and engaging. I was not feeling the need as much to have my own space, plus it was impossible anyway. During that time, I felt another “me” that I hadn’t experienced before. One that saw life through a bigger lens. My “room” got a whole lot larger. Then, I began to wonder who the hell I really was.
During my time in the dorms, I met my former wife, Jillian, and we became a community of two. We had friends, but it was our relationship that felt more like the room of my youth. Together we explored who we were in the great dance of Life itself. Not long afterward, our daughter made her way to us and community changed once again.
Suddenly, my “me” became a father. I had to became a provider. I stopped exploring and started working. The part of me that felt unsure about being a father, held on tightly to being responsible in the Western-style ethos. I was too tired from work and child raising to feel me anymore. I continued on the path of being a good provider that led me to a “solid” job an elementary school teacher.
As a teacher, you, by default, become a member of “the community”. The neighborhood, the families, the teachers, and students. You are trained to leave your Self at the door. It’s not about you, it’s about them. So for someone who had been not feeling himself for sometime, teaching young children was not going to get me there anytime soon. A good teacher is dedicated to their students. That is the mantra of the Good Teacher Brigade. You also go to concerts, sporting events, meetings, conferences, social events, recess duty, bus duty, field trips, and on and on. Who am I again?
During this time, I was no longer married and was living on my own with my daughter half the time. After a few years of teaching 24/7, I realized that I had ignored that part of me that I used to hang out with in the room of my youth. The care free, happy, creative part of me. I began to be with myself more and do things that I enjoyed like exercise, hiking, and playing guitar. And through that, I began to feel the depth of my unhappiness. I missed Me. The Me that could create a world from scratch. The Me that could stay up all night with a piece of paper and a pencil. The Me that saw beauty, love, and magic in all things. The Me that felt the Great Spirit and wondered about the Great Mystery. Where had I gone?
Enter SoulFullHeart. Jillian, my former wife, had been on a healing path for many years. She offered to help me with this question. It started as an exploration and has evolved into intimate community. Through my process I have been healing my way back to Me. There are a lot of layers, more than I ever imagined. To feel those, there has to be vulnerability or else they can’t move. And that is hard for someone so inclined to be alone. In essence, to be hidden. For a while, it is necessary. I wrote about it in a blog I wrote a couple of years ago. But then there is a graduation to another level of intimacy.
Beginning in March of this year I, along with Kathleen, moved to an RV campground with Jillian and Wayne. This was a new level of community, in that we began to share meals, exercise together, and generally spend more time together and in closer proximity. After coming to the decision to exodus to Mexico, I sold my RV and began to live with them in their camp site. My personal space had gone from a one-bedroom apartment, to an RV, to a tent in 4 months. For a part of me, that tent was my room from years gone by. He felt safe and comfortable just as he had when he was a child.
It is important for me to feel the needs of this part of me. Without doing so, he gets depressed and tense. The feeling is similar to having a hard time breathing. This certainly goes back to more than just this life. I haven’t gotten there yet but there is something soul-based about it. It is more important for me to feel it, than to figure it out right now. Especially, now.
Since we left Canada for Mexico, I have not had much of my own space. This is the most intimate I have been my whole life. We are currently living in a studio-type dwelling, which is more reminiscent of youth hostel than an apartment. We eat, sleep, change, read, write, cook, talk, process all within 750 square feet. We are waiting to get to our sanctuary on the ranch while the home we are staying in is completed, the roads get grated and the river water recedes. Though this is temporary, it is the perfect trigger to highlight my relationship to community and my Self. How do I feel the Me in the We?
I have to feel the needs of my parts alongside the needs of the group. There are times when I have to advocate for my space even if it means not being a part of something that I may be needed or desired to be a part of. That is hard to do when another part of me is a people pleaser. An internal conflict arises. But the more I advocate for that, the less I actually “need” it. There are also times when a part of me will need to be negotiated with because my community, my family, needs me. It won’t always be on its schedule, but I will always find the time. That is what it means to hold a part of you.
This experience has highlighted something that I have forgotten. While my community needs me, my parts need me as well. And sometimes my parts don’t want to be in community, and that’s okay. It actually get me back to Me. Remember? The one in the beginning of this blog. It gets me back to my roots. The reason I am here in the first place.
I am an artist. I want to create art. Art for me, art for others, art for the Divine, art for the earth. I am a healer. I want to heal myself and the earth, and I want to help others heal themselves. I want to use art to do that through sessions. That is the Me in the We. That is my heartsong in the choice. That is what I will continue to wake up for and be a part of in the way of life called SoulFullHeart.
Sequoia Heartman (previously Christopher Tydeman) is an apprentice facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.
SoulFullHeart Experience 