Being With The Inner Punisher/Critic

by Kalayna Colibri

befriend inner critic

‘Parts work’ is one level of what we offer in SoulFullHeart. It is the foundation of our healing practice and path. It is what inspires us to keep going IN… into ourselves for more nourishment and love that comes from this work, and into relationships that will always be a reflection of our inner universes. There is so much inside of each of us as humans in transition, learning to remember who we really are. We are fractured to a certain degree because we have needed to become this way in order to cope with 3D reality and the heaviness of what we came here to grow through and alongside. We ultimately cannot really be fractured or broken or anything BUT whole, yet, ask any part of you and they will likely say that this is their experience of life – separation, disconnection, suppression.

There are so many parts of you that call to you in this work. One of the most powerful ones to work with is the Inner Punisher/Critic. This is the part that is so prickly and often hard to be with… the hardest part to really love, for they throw so much at you and at others too in order to keep love out. The more love you let into your life, sometimes the harder they clench their fists. They are so often afraid. Afraid of letting go of the comforting discomfort of how they feel about you, about others, and ultimately about themselves. They judge harshly, starting with you, and sometimes act stealthily, hiding themselves somehow, often amongst the din and cries within you.

Their feelings about your body, your relationships, your job, YOU and any aspect of your life, become normalized frequencies inside of you. It becomes normal to think of yourself in certain ways and you may not even catch the vitriol that comes from you towards others, even in the form of ‘friendly’ teasing, that really has a bite underneath it. After working with your Inner Punisher/Critic in the many layers they come with, your desire to be around any energy of criticism, ‘funny’ or not, especially from you to you, diminishes in a big way. Often it is these harsh inner frequencies and judgments that bring friends and birth family members together. It is familiar to feel this way, so the idea of questioning it may feel ludicrous at first. Yet what if something more were possible in all of your relationships and especially in how you feel about yourself?

The Inner Punisher/Critic can be hard to stay in the room with. Often when you begin feeling them directly, they hurl insults at you, rolling out pages and pages sometimes of how they feel about you and about your life. As your outer world reflects your inner world, you begin to see and feel how this energy has leaked out to others you interact with and informed your approach to yourself and to any area of your life. It can play out in themes of workaholism, exercising only for the sake of your self-image and ‘how you feel about yourself’, and abuse (the definition of which deepens as you work with this part and begin to heal these frequencies of self-abuse, however they show up).

The journey to genuine self-love must involve feeling the Inner Punisher/Critic. This energy cannot be transcended, only transmuted. The work and the room you must walk into inside yourself in order to start being with this part is worth it. It becomes like holding a kicking, screaming teenager who just needs to find their tears of release from all the energy they’ve held and the life molds they are struggling to fit into. This part does soften and change eventually. Yet they really need your help to motivate them with love, with an ongoing promise that you will be there for and with them, and that you will always hold that they are so much more than this job they have given themselves for very good reasons.

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Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, soul scribe, and poetess.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

The Inner Matriarch And Wounded Feminine Legacy

by Kalayna Colibri

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Messages of being a warrior, how to stand up to men… conditioning around fighting, especially for our equality, in a world that seems to want anything but. Over-expressing our sexuality in an unemotional or emotionally immature way, or choosing to deny its presence altogether… there is so much templating going on, so many living examples of how to become a matriarch – strong, unsentimental, yet very often unfeeling too. All of this is an expression of the pain and wounds inflicted by a patriarchal culture, yes, and it is all a reflection of how a part of each of us has chosen to be and act in reaction to it. As a collective, modern womanhood has successfully buried what it means to be soft and still, especially as the Inner Matriarch, who is often also the Inner Mother, typically has never been offered a sense of what healthy womanhood is or could be, and thus wants to believe that softness is weakness, the mind and body are ultimately what matter over the heart, and that femininity means building a self-image of femininity that is often depicted in ways that at the core, are actually another expression of the wounded masculine, but with a feminine face.

The Inner Matriarch forms inside of you, following your nearest feminine conditioning while growing up, passed down by your mother or another female caregiver. Even if the influence seems subtle, it is likely working inside of you in many ways, including how you express or choose not to express your sexuality, how you feel about your gender, how you feel about and relate to men and other women as well, and how you navigate many other aspects of your life too. The Inner Matriarch, in this way, is also the Inner Mother – a significant part of any woman, that carries within her the legacy of the matriarchal lineage in her birth family, often to a large degree.

It can be challenging when living out this conditioning, to even realize this is what’s happening. So many patterns are being relived by you that your mother and likely her mother before her also lived out… or, this part of you could be trying to deliberately choose to do the opposite, yet somehow, there is something still playing out that runs parallel to the matrilineal conditioning and grooming. It’s nearly impossible to feel what this legacy really has held for this part of you until you have taken the space necessary from your own birth mother in order to truly feel it. The Inner Matriarch that could be leading much of your decision-making and relating to self and others in your life as you have known it so far, will blend into the tapestry woven by the other women in influence in your birth family and sometimes also in your group of friends. This is why the advocacy for space and going inward is so invaluable.

The Inner Matriarch is often a way in which the pervasive patriarchal culture gets to live on… she has had to become the way she is in order to stand up to and survive in this environment, or so she has been so deeply conditioned to believe. It takes more than the  ‘inner strength’ of any female warrior archetype… it takes the strength of vulnerably feeling where the damage and hurt have been inflicted, bringing it back inward into your heart, and letting feeling waves in. It takes the courage to take the next step to even acknowledge this part of you, to feel and own the conditioning she has had and needed for so long, and to let in that something new could arise. The true feminine arising is a mystery wrapped in an enigma at times, with a soft touch that can also challenge and set boundaries as needed, without nastiness, pettiness or cruelty and without an all-out suppression of inner truth on the flipside of that.

There is a balance that can be lived into, where the rose of feminity can wrap around a healthy, vulnerable spine made of self-love and worth, coupled with a healing and humbled heart that now gets to lead the way… and this is what is offered as the Inner Mother and Matriarch gets felt and begins to heal from the long, long road she has been walking for so long, softening into the frequencies of a Sacred Queen. This is also what opens out the possibility of a nourishing Sacred Union romance with frequencies of heart, body and soul resonance that are nearly impossible to feel with the intensity of a wounded Inner Matriarch expressing predominantly in your life. There is much to go into and feel with her, yet it is all worth it as you begin to realize what your own version of the authentic and ever-arising feminine self is and could become as you move into more and more healing on all levels of your being. ❤

 


 

For more information about going into your own SoulFullHeart process and having space held for this part and other parts of you, please visit http://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/sfhprocess. We would love to serve love with you on your own journey into your deepest healing possibilities and timelines…. ❤

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Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, soul scribe, and poetess.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

What Lies Under Our Limitations Sets Us Free

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“Argue for your limitations and sure enough they are yours.” – Richard Bach, Adventures Of A Reluctant Messiah

These word are fairly well known and have had such an impact on me my entire life. I could feel how in my awakening days in college, this was a guide for me to feel all the ways I was not being totally free. As I went back deeper into 3D after my daughter was born, they came back to me as her dependence on my 3D self lessened and she moved to Canada to be with her mother. I could feel all the ways in which I had created a life that had kept me safe, comfortable, and predictable. Neither of which made me joyful, alive, or passionate.

To my 3D self all was fine and was willing to compromise, yet with further inquiry, he really wanted to blow it all up. This was the edge of my more 4D self who could see the prison of it all and yet projected the responsibility to the “system” and felt to rage against it and help expose and tear it down. This gave him meaning and purpose without actually doing much of anything truly life-altering. The fire was good to feel but it really needed to be turned inward. Not in a judging fashion, but in a way that needed to see that my parts were still creating the prison they were raging against.

This is where parts of us can use nearly any excuse, the most popular being time, money, and relationship, to not actually let in the power of creation that we are. We chose to limit ourselves so that we could learn to love ourselves all over again. Our 5D self sees no limits other than the ones we are currently choosing to place upon ourselves. It is an epic game of cat and mouse until we decide we are done running from each other and realize we are the same.

I still find myself in an ebb and flow of this limit game. It is all a part of my journey. However to be in a tennis match around it is just a suffering loop. One day it is time to not return the volley and see what the hell lies in the space outside the lines. What is the fear of the lack of limitation? If we have infinite unlimited power, what the hell does that even mean?

It is in this process of acquainting ourselves with our 3D, 4D, and 5D selves that we can begin to feel how we have used our conditioning and protections to limit our ability to truly be the most authentic version of ourselves. Yet these are not the bad guys. We are not to obliterate them or endrun around them. We are to honor them. To feel them. To let in the power of their creation to be able to accomplish said experiences until the point we are not wanting the limit anymore. Our divine credit card is limitless and that is really hard to let in. You are NOT a victim when you chose otherwise!

These selves are our most prized possessions that have yet to be owned and claimed by our biggest heart. They are the basis for the work and process in SoulFullHeart. They are the vehicles we ride in as we explore the realms of our inner world. If you are looking to become acquainted with yourself in a much deeper way that helps to unlock the limits of your circumstances then visit www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/services for more on our process and our free 30-minute intro session offering.

There are truly no limits to what can be discovered.

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Weathering The ‘Perfect Storms’ Of Life

by Kalayna Colibri

 

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The perfect life conditions offer us the ‘perfect storm’ to feel what we need to feel.

Parts of us pop-up like pop tarts in a hot toaster, when life offers us the right circumstances, the necessary temperature, for them to come up and out. If parts aren’t ready to ask for you to feel them, you won’t be able to tap into their reality. It’s like waiting for apples to ripen on the tree before you can pick them. A premature picking of unripe fruit does not encourage the digestive system to flow. So too with the digestive system in your emotional body…

This perfect storm of emotional reactions surfacing that were once well-buried or ‘handled’ differently (or not at all), are a tidal wave that can feel like overwhelm and craziness, yet sooner than you realize you wash ashore on a new beach, where you feel and meet a NEW you and feel more joy than before, more settled inside of yourself than before, though your heart may still feel raw for a time. It’s a process of becoming BIGGER than the fears and the resistances, by going through them, feeling them, being with them, not BEING them or all-out transcending them.

You couldn’t have come here to this place of intense feeling inside of you without life lining up the path for it. Even when you feel knocked off balance and like everything is akimbo, this is actually the perfect gift to get to know something deeper inside of yourself, to love yourself more on the other side of deep-seated tension and reactivity. There is a trust that is built inside of you, that can weather these storms and in fact may jump wholeheartedly into them, trusting where they are taking you next.

During these intense waves of feeling as if we aren’t in control, that something or someone else is driving the bus, you might want to write it off as an ‘entity’ or it being imposed on you by ‘bad energies’ or ‘Archons. It’s not that these things and beings and energies don’t exist, but they can be used by parts of you as a scapegoat for something you need to take responsibility for inside of you and something that actually wants and needs you to go IN and feel what’s going on on the inside, not on the outside…

Life’s ‘perfect storms’ rock the boat in a huge, impactful way, and yet even when parts may feel shipwrecked, it really is just another path to your ultimate wholeness and healing and your triumphant return to the love that you are. ❤

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Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, soul scribe, and poetess. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Unfolding And Transforming Through Emotional Process Work

by Kalayna Colibri

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This stunning artwork is by Julia Watkins

It’s a phase of unfolding and unfurling. A time of feeling through the constricted, tense places inside that have been protecting the most precious places and parts, the most vulnerable aspects of myself and my soul too. It’s personal and it’s not too. I feel how these new movements that reveal more going on at a deeper stratum inside “me” is also a reflection of the collective. This work builds bridges from me to me and also from me to you, making it so exciting to be with even though there are challenges too! It’s really about uncovering a LOVE bridge, built by and of love. This is a major motivator to keep going IN, remembering that it’s all about love anyways and in that, there can be no harm and no suffering, if love is truly, deeply let in in the process.

I’m venturing into deeper soul territory now, as my 3D emotional/pain body continues to heal. I feel like it’s unfolding like the petals of a flower. Like a lotus, the heart continues to open, growing UP from the mud felt and held and healed within. There is a part of me that I’m beginning to feel very poignantly, who wants to keep a hold on the soul frequencies and pain from emerging fully. She needs me first, it feels like, before much of that can be ventured into, which is fine. There is nothing linear about this process anyways, so it does feel like no matter what, all that I came into this life with the intention of healing, IS healing on a quantum level. Starting from the 3D roots of our humanity here and now, helps anchor us into a seabed that gives us the energy to keep traveling UP. To keep moving UP. I feel a deep honoring of my emotional body, “then” and NOW. I can see the messes and fires I’ve walked through. I can still smell the burning rubber of my inner Maserati, traversing the highways of self at an accelerated pace throughout my whole life so far.

As the intense throes of inner self-punishment and control, frequencies of “needing to KNOW and prove that I KNOW” continue to dissolve from my field more and more, I feel so much humility emerge around how parts of me have held life up ’til now.  It was so easy to slip into arrogance, awakening at a very young age and feeling my soul gifts start to emerge too. Nothing has been more humbling than letting myself NOT know and instead BE. BE with what IS inside of me, and inside of others. BE with others instead of merge with others. FEEL myself instead of cover it all over, which has helped me to actually feel others too. I have always been empathic, yes, yet a big lesson around this is that parts can use empathy to push away and not allow in genuine, heart-based compassion… unless these parts have first been filled up by your compassion for THEM

I feel as if I am “on my way”, whatever that means right now! A brand new life chapter is opening out now and I’m excited to be with all of you on it too…. however, whenever, wherever we connect. ❤

 

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Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, writer, and poetess. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Creating From Divine Inspiration Rather Than Depression

By Jelelle Awen

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As I participate in the creation of the home we are building for Sequoia out of cob (a combination of clay, subsoil, straw and water), as I witness this cabana birthing out of the ground from materials which come exclusively from the ground….I am reminded of the death and rebirth cycle. Creation always brings us closer to the edge of where things begin and eventually where they complete. Immersed as I am in this project right now, I know that some day it will be finished and no longer will it arise anew, responding to contributions of my alchemy, passion, and physical focus. I will have moved on to something else, a new creation will beckon me to make something out of nothing.

Our attention and creativity is meant to wrap around something with focus on the end product while holding reverence for the process. Then, we are able to detach and move on to the next. I find that the more access I have to the part of me or subpersonality that holds my creativity, the more I can navigate and inhabit whatever I am involved in from a place of investment and then detachment.

For many years, my creativity was high jacked by the part of me that holds depression. It seemed that I couldn’t write creatively or work on a creative art project without being in a state of sadness, angst, and melancholy. This depression part of me didn’t feel alive unless she was creating something and yet, she could only be creative by dredging up her pain and using her agony as the primary source of fuel. I stopped publically writing for a few years as I focused on feeling and healing this part of me through journaling with her and being felt by a parts facilitator. This part of me had a complicated relationship with my creativity. She felt that she needed to express this way as means to off gas her pain even though it didn’t actually get felt, only exploited. I believe that a lot of artistic and creative people have a depression part that relates to their creativity in this way which is why so many of them suffer from suicidal depression. Add in another part of us that needs validation and attention from others related to our creativity and it can be a recipe for suffering.

It took me some time to find my writer’s voice again, healed greatly from depression and suffering, and now coming from a new source of Divine inspiration. Creating from this place is about an overflow produced from connection with myself, parts of me, Raphael, others in our community, animals, nature. It comes from an overall sense of joy and goodness about my life. It comes from the feeling of loving and being loved. This love spring has gushed forth eight years worth of blog entries and five books. It turns out that connecting with Divine creative inspiration is also pretty productive.

If someone asked me about how to relate to their creative process, I would offer that we have to feel which part of us is ‘in charge’ of it. As I already mentioned, it can be a depression part which primarily holds it. Or, there can be a very strong identity or persona part related to our creativity with a self image-based claim of being an ‘artist’ or ‘writer’. Or it can be an inner, young child part of us that relates with it like a secret outlet kept hidden away from others because it feels too vulnerable to share. It can be suppressed by a protector or controller part of us to such an extent that we don’t feel like we are creative at all. If creativity is about connecting to Divine inspiration, then also we need to look at the part of us (which we call the Daemon or soul guardian) that opens up access to our soul consciousness and Divine connection. When in Divine thrall or communion, we feel that the act of creating and our creation is ultimately in service of the Divine and in surrender to It as well.

Whether it is building something or writing or painting or making banana bread, creativity can be an expression of our sacred humanity. It can be a glorious testament and honouring of that which transcends reality even as it paints off of the canvas of our ordinary lives. It can honor that which begins and that which inevitably reaches a completion. The Divine doesn’t require masterpieces; only honestly focused expressions of our authentic essence creatively dipping into the waters of Infinite Love in celebration of love and life.

Jelelle Awen is co-creator and a facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way of Life. Visit SoulFullHeart Way Of Life for more information about staying at the Sanctuary and sessions.