Tag: suppressing emotions

Re-Discovering And Loving The Buried Parts Within

Published on by Kasha Rosa1 Comment

by Kalayna Colibri

Many years ago… I could not have told you that ‘becoming more feminine’ was my goal or intention. I grew up with an older sister who rebelled against femininity and wanted to be like her. I wanted to be friends with the guys that weren’t attracted to me, so at least I could have some way to be close to them regardless, to experience a connection with the opposite gender. I say ‘I’ here because before I was aware that I had ‘parts’ of me running the show of my life, ‘I’ was all ‘I’ had as a reference point for the dramas and desires and pain.

When I was very little, however, I wanted only to wear dresses. I liked big frilly ones with flowers. I liked my pretty shoes and white tights. I especially loved going to ballet class as a 5-year-old and being able to wear the pink skirt that represented my level over top of my leotard. I loved being called a ‘lady’ and would have fantasies about being in ‘princess training’. This was all before messaging of ‘being a girl means you’re weak’ or ‘incapable’ started to leak in and take over. This was before parts of me started to form as a casing, an ever-hardening shell over my natural sensitivity and blooming pre-womanhood. The dresses got put away. The tights could no longer be worn without holes being made in them almost immediately – a symbol, I’m realizing, of my young torn-ness between gender expressions. Skirts didn’t fit or feel right either, and I felt very self-conscious in them. Something was shifting out of wanting to be a girl to wanting to be related to, to be made friends with, to be able to somehow find comfortability in any social situation even if that meant being more like a ‘boy’ in some ways. I stopped feeling ‘pretty’ when I was quite young and thus I stopped trying to be, at least until high school.

I remember all of this in this very moment, especially as I feel a part of me that is my Inner Masculine. I feel how this is a story from him about how he came to be and how he began to form as an Inner Patriarch, coaching and teaching my other parts how to become more masculine in order to survive if not thrive in this world of 3D. I feel the tears of my suppressed, albeit quite young aspect of my Inner Feminine, who it feels like has some pain coming up in response to this… these feelings of being ‘girly’, which was more in my true nature, being deemed ‘not good enough’ so early in my life.

I share this story today because it feels like the story that belongs to so many of us… a story of genuine self-expression, of authentic sensitivity. Unless and until we can begin to feel the parts of us that have (had to) come up in response to life and more often than not, bury or try to dismiss what is actually TRUE about us, it doesn’t really feel possible to feel the layers here and to get to exactly what has been buried for so many ‘years’.

I feel like this extends far beyond authentic gender expression, so much as just what is authentically in our hearts. I feel the richness of a genuine experience of what the sacred masculine and feminine ARE, that can only really be experienced from within, not from other people’s ideas of what it is or is not… in either case when it comes to the masculine and the feminine, we are having to re-learn so much and deeply feel much more.

We have the courage to venture deeper into our own healing, ever-discovering more and more of what has been suppressed within our most inner caverns of what has always wanted to show us the most authentic us we have been waiting and working to BE… and it’s up to us when and if we are ready to lead him/her/them out of the shadows and into the light where they can breathe and play and be themselves again… and this time, without anyone telling them they have to stop being who and what they truly are. ❤

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Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, soul scribe, and poetess.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

The Arising Sacred Masculine Within A Sacred Feminine Offering

Published on by Gabriel Heartman2 Comments

painting eagle with woman eye on abstract background and Yin Yang Symbol in space with stars. Wings to fly.

This is what is means to be in SoulFullHeart community.  I am inspired, awed, and amazed at what I get to be a part of.  What I have chosen to surround myself with in order to heal, grow, and create.  I see the world through a lens that is so unlike anything out there and is constantly shifting and evolving.  I get to see myself in a way that is unlike what I have seen or felt myself to be in the old dimension of consciousness.  There is not a day that goes by that some thing alive is happening to others that sparks a corroborating energy in me. It is community on HIGH and is just keeps its dedication to more, to real, and to love.  To More Real Love.

But this Love is not just bliss and sparklers.  It is about feeling the edges and depths of what is next up on the healing docket.  This is not shadow hunting but a real time bubbling up of emotion that is not supported to be repressed, but lovingly guided to arise in its own time.  As one person is feeling something there is an effect among the group as we are all connected.  As my good friend Raphael is moving through arising layers of suppressed truth-telling, it begins to activate mine.  This one entry way then opens itself up to a greater QUESTion of what it means to be masculine in a very feminine offering. It brings up some angst and curiosity along the way.  It rumbles and shakes something in to uncertainty, of which the unhealed masculine is not native to.  It has chosen certainty in the name of control.

But underneath that maintenance lies a caged animal.  A fire that is wanting to make shit happen and blow things up in an attempt to get to a bedrock of something real.  There is a violence in that when not tempered by the feminine within and without.  Hence being in community with the sacred feminine is what brings a clarity to it as well as the hashing out.  I had personally sent my animal into a quarantine when my daughter was a young age so as to not have that energy in my field as a father.  Before that I had a very huge temper and was pissed off a lot.  As a child it was an embarrassment to my family when it came up in very immature ways.  It was a soul angst and a learned behavior from my father, who had the legacy of it from his father.

The essence of this energy is passion and truth-telling.  It is about alchemizing and manifesting.  It is about being in union with the feminine to light up the Love Shack we call Gaia.  But the suppression is wounded and angry.  I chose to find a more Zen part of me to assuage the energy so that I could be more acceptable to another part of me seeking something nice and normal.  Well, as this part of Raphael has been done with this dynamic, I feel it rumbling this part of me too. It exists in many men I believe as well.  I know there are many that are more outed than others, but I feel this reverberates through all masculine hearts, both in men and women.  What we experience in community is also happening in the collective heart of humanity.

So this is a post about the arising sacred masculine, that is in a continuing birthing state in us all.  It is a journey from an old way of doing life to a new way of being in life.  It does scare some parts of me as the unleashing of the animal within does bring an concern of what will come out, but this is all held in a heart that has been working the shadow for the sake of love, so what does come out will be felt in its entirety and hold itself accountable.  It will not harm but it may just hurt.  Hurt is mendable with an sincere and open heart.  This is the reminder I give to this part of me.

This is also about community and relationship where all of this gets to be played out and realized in its fullest breadth.  I get to engage in romance that brings out different tones that go deeper that just soul friendship, as powerful as that is.  I feel like I am showcasing what it means to be in this SoulFullHeart community.  It is what is possible for all humanity.  There is a huge desire among us all for more hearts and souls to add to this incredible wealth of healing and loving.  It is why we continue to write and offer to others. We want more tribe members that just feel what it is that is possible even if there is uncertainty on what it all means.  Others are doing the same taking their questions and fears with them.  We want the passion of others who want to serve it to the world first from within and then out.

In this new era of letting in more of what I want, I want to serve this love to you.  I want to invite you experience what I experience everyday because it is out of this world…literally! I want others to reflect to me and inspire me to be more than a part of me thought I could ever be.  New hearts bring new vision that we didn’t otherwise see or feel before.  We get to play in a safe container that allows for real growth and real love, even if it may not feel that way to parts of us.  The vulnerability of that is the safety.

Okay, so that is what was in my heart today.  It is what comes through being in this incredible union of heart and souls.  It is the energy of the eclipse making its way through my veins and into my heart.  I claim me as I claim you to be a part of this epic ride called SoulFullHeart.

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

 

It’s Ok To Not Be Ok: Giving Yourself Permission to Feel

Published on by Jelelle AwenLeave a comment

By Jelelle Awen

feeling-deeply_hands-face

By Jelelle Awen

I am sitting in the back seat of my parent’s car. I am looking out the window, my head turned away from the chaos in the front seat. I am looking out the window but I am not seeing any of the landscape. The tears that slide down my cheeks are silent. I have learned to cry without sound from many years of practice. I cannot completely numb my reactions to the tension, the negativity, and the hate that fills this car, that staggers from him and crawls from her. It has sharp teeth, harsh words, energy that cuts to the bone.

Part of me tries to protect me. Put up a shield. Put up a barrier. Create a bubble of light space around the growing girl. Tries to turn off the tap on the tears that flow from the pain of feeling like I do not belong. The craziness of feeling like this is not my family, cannot be my real family, not my soul family, not my family of heart. So eventually the tears go deep in, get buried, and my other feelings as well. And the part of me that protects my heart breathes a sigh of relief as a possible crisis of self revelation is avoided.

It starts so early, our conditioning to suppress our feelings, our emotional reality, and what our actual reactions to situations are in the moment. Through this conditioning and the pain of not being able to be real, we have to develop aspects of us that can fit in with the non-feeling environment around us. It is a necessary self defense mechanism. It just seems to happen so naturally and organically.

The message of, ‘It’s NOT ok to NOT be ok” is so strong in our culture. The conditioning around not expressing our feelings starts so young when children are first told not to have tantrums or to cry. Tantrums feel to me like releasing the unfelt emotional energy of the parents and the surroundings. We tantrum and then we reach a stage where, to get and keep love in the form of approval, we develop parts of us who become very good at suppressing what we are feeling. And parts of us who become very good too at form fitting our environment to not draw attention to ourselves and our vulnerability.

I described a scene above that encapsulates so much about why my defenses developed the way that they did. In my process through SoulFullHeart and previous subpersonality process work that I have done, I have ‘gone back’ to these moments of extreme hurt and pain through the aspects of me who became stuck there.

I sat in the car with the part of me that holds hurt and I felt her tears with her. I became the loving adult, heart filled with support and permission to feel, that she didn’t have at the time. And this version of me, no longer needing to be quiet or suppress her tears, could lean into this adult version of me. She could be felt and the pain from this moments and other moments like this could heal. And, I could become more current to myself.

To be able to go into places like this painful scene with parts of me has needed to be negotiated with the loyal and protective part of me. This has happened through a growing sense of trust that I will be able to ‘handle it and hold it’ and that it is safe to release it and feel it. Over time and development of our authentic self (or what we call the ‘SoulFullHeart Self’) protective parts of us begin to feel that they can relax their strong protection of us which can come in many different forms and energies. Through conscious negotiation with them, we can open our heart up more and let others in more deeply, also sharing ourselves more vulnerably and authentically. This leads to more experience of love transaction inside of ourselves and with others.

Through the SoulFullHeart work, you reach a place where you no longer really want to be around people who or in many environments where you can’t BE authentically with your feelings or express them in the moment. Or, you choose to stay home or go to a secluded spot in the woods…..somewhere you can feel yourself. It becomes the ultimate priority over ‘fitting in’. We have created a place and space inside and then as expressed in our community where it is truly OK to NOT be OK.

Sessions with us are just a practice ground for this dedication to yourself, to feeling, to being not OK if that is what is real, to be with the parts of you that resist feeling and why, and to be supported by someone else for it. And, eventually, this regular practice moves into and influences your choices in every day life in a natural and organic way where you are desiring to be authentic with those you are in relationship with and in whatever soul purpose-based vocation you are serving love through.

Jelelle Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.