All that we experience as life is given in Love held by Love for Love

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By Jelelle Awen

This image feels similar to the space I was guided to today…higher frequencies, beyond five senses, where all is made of white filaments with rainbow auras. I was just overcome by the brightness and beauty of it all, especially human beings in their essence as Infinite Love, too bright to even look in the eyes.

Hours (no time really) I floated here, dimensional traveling, Angels and guides surrounding me…..and yet also feeling the core of my heart beating strong even as my body became lighter and lighter. Feels like it was an energetic boost to allow more overflow to others, more love, stillness, and less reactivity. What a gift!

My body reacted initially with some pain last night as a portal of some sort opened, a vortex, and yet it is moving now…birth pains held with Infinite Love and seemed to serve a purpose. Shook off some negative entities that had attached along the way, like being dipped in bright love and all the dark falling off.

I would not be able to let this in without also going to the tears (and there were those too), saying goodbye and letting go to what I thought was my purpose and my place to serve it, allowing the part of me that was so invested to feel sad….tears even with a smile as I realized that it is all given in Love held by Love for Love….

Much Love is moving from my heart to those who read these words, may you feel the energy of it and let it in whatever way you feel to…

You are much bigger and brighter than you can even imagine!

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Jelelle Awen is co-creator, facilitator, and teacher of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.Β 

 

A Gatekeeper’s Plea

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By Leena Colibri

Could you love me…
if I showed you the scars,
the wings that aren’t pretty?

 

…maybe they never were…
but I can’t tell anymore.
I’ve forgotten what they look like.
I’ve forgotten how to see them.
I’ve forgotten that there is a mirror
and that that mirror can exist in an open human heart.

 

Can you see tears on my face?
I can’t feel them anymore.
My cheeks are numb.

 

Has life smacked me down or have I?
Has it all been as violent as it feels to me? Who is ultimately responsible? Am I? Are you? Is God?

 

Am I a product of my own faults? If I am, will I ever feel remorse? Could I ever feel remorse?

 

Did the war end or just ebb?
Why am I able to talk to you?
Why are you able to feel me?
Am I dying?

 

Did the soldier I was give way to an angel of peace?
Am I acting out of what was and is no longer?
Or is it all just beginning again and this is the calm before the storm?
I certainly don’t feel calm.
And I certainly do feel the storm…
In fact it is all I can think about.

 

Why can I suddenly see you?
Do you see me?
Are you pretending, as you have before?

 

Are you ready to believe that I am wounded?
Are you ready to believe that something beyond β€œme” is wounded?

 

All I am is questions,
a quester on an unending quest,
finding no answers, just more questions…
but for the first time,
I am asking them out loud and I am not afraid to let them fall from my lips and drift over to you, and into an unknown love that I no longer fully trust…
but want to…but want to again…as I did before.
As I did before the war. As I did before the battles I was partly responsible for starting.

 

Where am I?
How can you hear me?
Why do you even want to?

 

I could be your essence.
I could be that spark inside you.
I could be a part of all you are outside and inside your body.
I could be a part of everything in the world while also only a speck of dust on this great plane of existence.
I want to be with your essence…
I want to be with the you that could lead me Home.

 

Please…
take me Home.
 

*Find out more about connecting with your daemon/soul guardian here*
 
 
** Leena Colibri is an apprentice facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Please visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.

The Rearview Mirror

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So this is how it goes…
You let go
and you trust
and you realize what you let go of
and what you are letting go into.

 

Never have I had such a trampoline inside
where I can leap and know no bounds
where the sky inside is the limitless one
and the gravity of the fall is into nothing at all.

 

You were a mirror of a different colour
a different density
and I expected you to work differently
…and not mostly in hindsight.
But here I go into a retrospective reflective surface
where I realize
not only could you not see me
but holy shit…
I didn’t see myself.

 

In a big way
I couldn’t, didn’t, wasn’t planning to.
Not while I had your eyes
your promise
your mouth, hands, lips, body, touch
and heart.

 

I poured water on my feathers
but the Pheonix fire didn’t cease
and my maniac heart
bent on healing
kept on beating it’s drumbeat tone with steady, thumping steps.

 

The thrumming goes on
even as you and I don’t
and you and I don’t
and you and I don’t either.

 

Love. I am your channel.
I am your healer.
I am your student.
Make and give me more me
so I may be
more of the me I couldn’t see
until I realized I am what I was missing all along.

 

**Β 

Leena Colibri is an apprentice facilitatorΒ of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Please visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.

From the Realm of the Watchers

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It’s okay if you don’t remember.
We aren’t going to leave you.

 

It’s okay if you don’t know.
There’s not much to know,
just to experience over and over again
until experience turns into the page love is written on,
not the words of love themselves.

 

It’s okay if you don’t know who you are.
We don’t care how many carousels you ride,
how many spins you take,
you will still have your essence in the end.
In the end, the only path that matters,
is the path you chose in every moment.
And no… we don’t care how you were or weren’t,
just how your experiments end.
The inconclusive conclusions you come to
along your way back to
love.

 

Love.

 

The only Ground Zero.
The only ground from where you rose,
and the only ground on which you fall.
The place where seeds are scattered,
and growth happens no matter what.

 

Yes. All else is an illusion.
But…
It’s the illusion you need.

 

That holographic something isn’t nothing.
It’s the most important thing
right now
right now
and
right now.

 

So… walk, run, fly, dream, make love, make war, make peace, get messy, clean up, climb up, and fall down.
Your sacredness won’t break, for it is not porcelain.
Your birthright to live into all realities remains intact.

 

Here we sit.
Here we watch.
Here we wait for you to remember
that the path is love,
the game is love,
and the light, dark, hard, easy stories
are the love you are learning
and remembering that you are.

 
 
**
Leena Colibri is an apprentice facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Please visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.

For the Seeker

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By Leena Colibri

I taste the someday
and play the tune on my heartstrings.
The candle inside glows wider and fuller
as the breezes of sacred nighttime give way to brightest day.
There is no more waiting
there was never anything to wait for.
Why start now?

 

It’s not your springtime next season
it’s your summer now.
Claim the void, trim the edges,
fill the feeling filings of grey and dawn and exquisite windstorms
sure to bring your seeds your way
and dance that jig of memory
and ceaseless, creaseless time
lasting for and outlasting
all you came to move through that heart of yours.

It doesn’t stop there.

Don’t you dare try. Don’t attempt it.
The waves of pearls to gift yourself are only beckoning at your door.
It is not a siren call. Oh no.
It’s better.

It gets better.

You get better as the contents of your pockets jingle and ring out, calling,
β€œI am you and you are me and yet I am anything but what you are choosing!
I am not you and you are not me and yet here we are in a lockstep of choice and a dance of regions in body and voice, crying as one and yet dying separately!”
The time of your life that you seek is out seeking an in to you.
Will you let it through the door?

**

Β Leena Colibri is an apprentice facilitatorΒ of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Please visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.

A Wrap-Up

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By Leena Colibri

 

When it’s not a game anymore.
When the pieces have fallen out of place
And out of reach…

 

When the tides turn red and violet
With desire and spirituality
Both
That will be when I surf
Those waves of radical, changing material.

 

That will be when you can catch me
Turning to you
Within me
Within you.

 

I went to that place today… You know the one.

 

The question marks fall from your mouth
As you realize what you see
Is not what you hear In the furnace that burns
Inside your head.

 

Experience will teach
Will scar
Will tattoo
And I will be there to bring it all back inward
To a place where I can digest it

 

And you are welcome to the party
As usual
Whenever it comes to you
On feeling winds
That blow down your carefully placed
House of cards.

 

I don’t know if you’ll know me
When this phase is through,
But I do know
That the truth…
It lingers on and comes back.

 

I may not come back.

 

But rest assured I didn’t open you up for nothing…

 

Did you?

 

 
 
**

Β Leena Colibri is an apprentice facilitatorΒ of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Please visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.

Premise 8: Union With Others Arises Through Heart And Soul Resonance

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By Raphael Awen

Good morning, and Welcome to day 8 of the 21 day SoulFullHeart Magical Mystery Premises Tour.

Today we make a fools attempt at beholding the spectacular, and then trying to describe it.

We’re attempting to use words to describe the undescribable.

Maybe this whole Premises tour is a fools game. It feels vulnerable to share with the world a claim to seeing something others haven’t yet seen. It may lead to experiencing more with others or it may just lead to hurt and rejection. But isn’t that the essence of vulnerability; a willingness to be hurt, to feel hurt?

But hurt always takes us somewhere eventually…

For me, it’s been a long road, but that road is now about how I’ve started a club, given it a name, and like every club, there’s a few rules to belonging. Here though the rules are not about sustaining a sense of superiority, but rather about sustaining a fire for this new something. And they’re not rules in the sense of what is allowed or not allowed, but instead about a looking glass, without which this something new cannot be seen. Others may see it as I see it, which would be wonderful and validating, or they may not even raise an eyebrow, which would hurt.

But this hurt is a pregnant hurt, leading to more, not less.

Leading with vulnerability on your own defined and chosen path, while fully owning your truth, no matter how different or resonant with mine, is something I feel we are utterly already One in. You and I, if we are to grow, must now choose, and make ourselves vulnerable to our choice. In that, I feel a deep Oneness with you, even if our chosen paths are far apart.

Ultimately, we’re in the same fools club, no matter how different we look and feel, and no matter how much we even may be repelled by one another. We are already One, and it is because of this inseparable Oneness that we can safely fully explore our paths, even if divergent, knowing that in the end, we all converge on the same prize.

I like knowing I’m a winner before I even start out. It fires me to give it all I have, to live out loud, and be at rest at the same time.

Now, let’s take a look at today’s premise called the Union With Others Premise:

“Union with others arises through heart and soul resonance in non-codependent relationships, relating through parts reality processing within monogamous romantic union, and within SoulFullHeart Community.”

Union, though it is something we all already are at core, it is also something that arises experientially for us or simply doesn’t. Heart and soul resonance is what draws us together or repels us from being drawn. That’s the simple truth of any relationship whether healthy or unhealthy. Healthy and alive union, like the kind we are wired for in our potential and that SoulFullHeart reaches for, is a never-ending, deepening reality that is sustained by resonance. Where do we get that kind of resonance that will support this?

My truth is that while people have not discovered their subpersonalities in a rigorous commitment, these living beings inside of them, are quite literally, a mess of parts. I can feel in someone a resonance over here and a strong kick over there. I can feel a potential I am drawn to along with a dissonance that tells me to keep a safe distance. This is because we all have wounded beings inside of us who until they are discovered and healed can only trade in pain and hurt. It’s all they know. To these parts of us, they often turn to the presently popular ‘all love and light’ variety that is about transcending real pain, rather than healing it.

We are simply not ‘all love and light.’ I’m not, I can tell you that much for sure. And I feel a ton healthier just saying that. My love consists of light and shadow. I am too big a soul to exist only in the light.

Now we get to truly enter non-codependent ground. You are responsible for your own growth and letting in what is love in your life and saying no to what isn’t. No one gets a ‘stay in your life card’ for ever, or even for a moment unless they are willing to serve real and honest love, and the wrestling matches that will be part of that. Only as we come to the self-to-self love we described in yesterday’s premise can we get very far in transactionally healthy self-to-other love. Ending codependence begins inside of us. We end the wars inside and peace then reigns outside.

In romance, SoulFullHeart offers a monogamy picture. I must admit, my second chakra has gotten excited about the idea of a time to come in our evolution when we could have healthy poly-amorous sexual bonds, the idea of multiple lovers, but then I promptly lost my erection at the idea of being one of several men contending for one woman. It feels true that only monogamy can hold the rigours of having heart open and vulnerable love, heart, soul and body. There is a way that in relating deeply to one woman, that I am in relationship with ALL women. True sex, fully with one, is sex with all. That I trust will satisfy any polyamorous leanings in me for now.

Another big piece we see in this premise is that the kind of Union w are talking about happens in community. None of us were wounded in a box and none of us heal in a box. By community, we mean doing life together more and more in an arising way that serves our individual growth. Being ‘apart from you’ moves to being ‘a part of you’ as we find ways to go deeper into life together as a true heart and soul family.

I’m not so sure that I succeeded in showing you the spectacular as I said at the outset of today’s tour. Maybe, it wasn’t mine to show you that in words today. I was only meant to show you the utter folly of trying to show you that. Maybe, it’s for you to see through your own sovereign being, resonating with my sovereign being however that happens for you. Only you can see your own when it reveals itself to you.

I hope I pointed you in a direction of your own truth. It’s only your own truth that would draw you in resonance to see mine, and then we could share that magical ‘holy shit’ spectacular moment. Yes, even the shit is holy. I say that with reverence for the depths of the pain we’ve all experienced.

So, welcome to my club where only sovereigns can belong, where only autonomous souls who possess enough of themselves to join that possession to a community, where love flows only by personal ‘want to,’ when and how it does.

I’m going back to this deep rest I feel inside today that just can’t get too worked up trying to get anyone to see something that isn’t already natively in them.

Again, I welcome and look for your words of feedback. I hold myself to account for how this landed in you. And if you would like to read the other writings on our premises here.

Raphael Awen is co-creator and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.

Premise 3: Going Beyond The Body-Mind Reality

By Raphael Awen

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Welcome aboard day three of the SoulFullHeart Magical Mystery Premises tour.

We only have two days sailing behind us and already it feels like so much more. Jump right in though if this is your first day, you can complete the circuit when and if you want to anytime.

A sightseeing tour is a really good analogy for what we’re doing together in these 21 days.

SoulFullHeart is a way of life and I’m offering 21 scenic tour vistas seen through each of our premises allowing you to essentially window shop to see if this truly warrants any more of your time, attention, or money.

There’s no charge to take this tour, but to actually enter and experience the territories we’ll be looking at each day will undoubtedly cost you. If your heart is truly hungry and ready, the cost will be something joyous, even as it is also sorrowful at times. But, it’s only at the point of buying something from someone that the real transaction or exchange occurs. Don’t mistake browsing for buying. Choice and transaction in this way with the resource of your choosing is no different than in the material world.

So here’s the third SoulFullHeart premise called the Nature Of Reality Premise:

“SoulFullHeart invites you to be open to a different picture than the body-mind reality, which is that everything is made up of energy; time/space/money are illusionary; everything is sourced from Infinite Love; and our innate nature is both dual and nondual.”

This premise if we are able to open it out together today will be nothing short of mind blowing.

Like setting out on a whale watching tour, there is no guarantee of actually seeing any whales and many days a whale watching tour must settle for being a ‘whale looking’ tour. I honour that what we see together will be a combined effort of what you and I choose to see, intend to see and are ready to see. It’s a co-created reality.

However, we have something big in our favour. We’re going to be looking at the idea of consciousness expansion today, and to do that, we’ll need an expanding consciousness just to get in the door. Consciousness itself likes being taken in and noticed. It’s like feeling the whales under the boat reluctant to surface until they can sense your reverence, respect, and awe, but when they do, watch the splendour unfold.

In this way, we draw this out together. I’m not responsible alone to put on any show. We do it together if there’s enough trust and desire between us, as well as resonance with what is. I feel part of me rest as I say that, and it felt both important to say as well as a portent of things to come in the rest of this tour together.

Now that we’ve got our seats, let’s dig in.

This premise begins with an invitation and that’s important because we are all grounded in a current way of seeing the world. The invitation is to look at another way of seeing the world, but of course, we can only do that through the lens we have. We can’t shatter this current lens in order to pop on a new one, and nor should we, we’d blow all of our circuits. It’s an invitation to see as much as you can and to then trust that what you were able to see was perfect, and that you were changed just by the act of truly looking. It’s an ongoing and never ending process because we actually live in an infinite reality picture.

Let’s talk now about the body-mind reality. ‘Body-mind’ is, in the way I’m referencing it today, a way of relating to life, that in turn ‘creates’ your world. Body-mind is seeing the world through the five sense reality only of sight, smell, touch, taste, and sound. ‘It’s real as long as I can sense it with the five senses’ is the powerful reality shaping mantra. Now, I know that isn’t your mantra or you wouldn’t be drawn here, but it is so deeply embedded in the world you were raised in, and the world you live in, every day, day in and day out. Body-mind reality has a powerful energetic pull that can be described as a gravitational pull that holds an order of things and an entire crystal clear cosmology out in front of you.

Money doesn’t grow on trees. It’s the results that count. Rome wasn’t built in a day. And on and on the sayings go. They form part of the outlying edges or borders of this perceived reality. If you are a more porous individual, you even add in some esoterics into the picture to make it bearable, but you have yet to actually ever escape the power of this matrix.

Body-mind in its essence is a wave form frequency of a specific bandwidth. As we are energy, as we’ll explore further today, we are totally susceptible to the frequencies we currently have dialed in on our receivers, and then we go on to rebroadcast those same frequencies contributing to the strength of the body-mind collective-consciousness reality. Now, to use another metaphor, it’s no longer us that is online doing the browsing, but rather the prevailing collective consciousness, or the computer itself that is doing the browsing. We are now essentially controlled around all the things that really matter with just enough free choice to keep the blinders in place. ‘Would you like fries with that?’ It’s now a false projected reality that we are co-creating because create is what we do. It’s what we are.

Everything around us is energy in motion, a frequency band manifesting as what we see and experience as matter. It isn’t real as we’ve understood five sense reality, and, at the same time, it is real on another plane, but it’s real reality can only be seen through a new lens that is the new plane.

Let’s look at money to help us grok this. Money isn’t real. It’s a thing we co-created collectively and is only real because of our agreement around it that we reinforce every day by our relationship and interaction with it. Money is actually nothing more than a means of exchanging value, or energy, or ultimately love. But it seems so crazy real! My focus on money, my need for money, my future money, my lack of money, and on and on. ‘I must secure the money, and then I will consider what other things I want in life’ is the energy that holds so many people. Money in this way is possibly the most powerful prison-forming matrix ‘thing’ that holds us in its clutches all of our days. And it’s nothing but energy!

Money is energy. I am energy. You are energy. Energy always flows. All the things you like and don’t like about your life are energy flows. The computer you are looking at and the chair you are sitting on are nothing more than energy manifesting in a specific form true as ever to the frequency they broadcast at.

Money as real from within the five sense reality is an illusionary reality. If you want to break the powerful hold money has upon your life, you must recognize that it isn’t money itself, but rather how you see money, or more accurately, the lens with which you are looking at money, specifically the body-mind.

Time is also another powerful illusion. The ‘realities’ of past, present, and future are held together by our collective body-mind reality-creating relationship to time. How cool would it be to flip the table here and instead see that time itself is the illusion and we get to use that illusion of time to our benefit. Healing anyone?

Space is another one. As energy, we are essentially living in a holographic projection that energy is creating giving us the magical illusion of space. It’s like going to the movies, except you ARE the movie.

If you’re like me, you are feeling really itchy about now. You can smell something big, but you can’t grasp as much of it as you want to. These are things to be lived into. The conditioned world doesn’t give way in a moment…..we instead live our way in a discovery process, that again, has no ending or destination, just like the Isness from where we come.

Here the saying ‘It’s not the destination that counts, but the journey’ needs to be revised to something like ‘ultimately, there is nothing but the journey, forget any destination other than simply being on the journey.’

This so resonates with us all, every last one of us, every last expression of energy ALL being God. Yes, including evil. It’s all Infinite Love out seeking to know itself in an infinitely unknowable reality.

All is Infinite Love expressing as infinite possibility, and nothing else matters.

Now, we see how we are both, like God, rooted in both duality and non-duality. We are playing with the duality in things like more or less money, things we prefer and don’t prefer, health is better than sickness, etc., all as a dance of Infinite Love energy that wants to come to know itself in all of its infinitely possible expressions.

When I feel all of this, my sense of the distance I’ve covered in my growth or my healing, though important to a part of me who still needs and relates to some form of measurement, gives way to the silliness of trying to measure anything in an infinite picture. 1/2 of infinity is still infinite.

And that is why I can resonate and be nourished with someone who is simply on the same path, regardless of their progress on the path. It’s sharing the same infinite path, me where all progress is immeasurable. The path affords us a processing and transactional ground for our relationship. Outside of the path, however, our frequencies have nothing but static. I can and do love the person not on my path, but I don’t attempt to transact very far with that person.

That’s already true for every relationship you and I currently have. It’s the resonant frequency band that literally holds it together.
Change the frequency and you change everything.

Okay, that’s enough for today, isn’t it? Talking about infinity can go on forever.

I want to close today by welcoming your inquiry into how The SoulFullHeart Way of Life healing process and I can serve your healing process. If you are a man, I would so love to be in an energy exchange with you providing we both resonate with each other. And if you are a woman, my beloved Jelelle would love to connect with you around beginning the process. Check out our sessions page for more info, and let’s simply get on Skype together to talk about it. Tell me what’s real for you.

I also welcome and deeply take to heart any donation you feel to give in support of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. You can find our donate button on our home page at soulfullheartwayoflife.com. Nothing gets my attention quite like an email from PayPal, saying ‘You’ve got money.’ πŸ™‚

Until tomorrow and day 4, be well in your unfolding journey. And remember, there is nothing to count, there is only journey.

Raphael Awen is co-creator and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information.Β 

Itchy Skin, Itchy Heart: Life As An Initiate At SoulFullHeart Sanctuary Blog Series

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By Leena Colibri

This is why I walk this path. This is why I am able to walk through fire without flinching. These shifts are what make the ride through my shadowland worthwhile.

Note: This is the sixth entry in the Life As An Initiate At SoulFullHeart Sanctuary Blog Series. Go here to read part one.Β 

The white, dried-out, chalky dust of the baking soda/water mix I’ve applied to my itchy, red skin continues to flake off in the seemingly million places where I have put it. Even typing as I am now is tough because part of me continues to be distracted by the dust now accumulating on the keys of the keyboard, worried that they will somehow wedge themselves in between them and ruin the keyboard altogether. Yet this reaction and distraction is small potatoes compared to the incredible itch that I applied the baking soda paste to combat in the first place.

My palms are the itchiest at the moment. And the itch, unlike on the rest of my arms, is not surrendering to this thick white substance and continues to itch relentlessly. Perhaps my healing chakras on my hands are opening. That could very well be, as the process I’m in now is very much preparing me to eventually offer healing to others.

Interestingly, my process since my last stay at the sanctuary about 10 days ago, has been about emotionally letting go of an old skin. I have been feeling just how much a part of me would rather keep people at arm’s length (or farther) and all of the toxicity that she has absorbed from past templates on how to be in life that led her to this level of resistance to compassion many years ago. This has been quite an intense amount of shadow to go into and I am still in it, though the light is now appearing at the end of the tunnel, right in step with an intense allergic reaction on my skin that keeps ebbing, flowing and itching.

When my process into this shadowland first began last week, almost right away I ended up with a fever that laid me up for several days. That first night of sweating spells felt akin to past livesΒ of self-induced fevers caused by taking various herbs in order to download β€œDivine” messages for the upcoming season as per the demand of the people I was in service to as a Priestess. I had flashes of past life possibilities and felt also a breath of air from the Divine that told me everything was alright and that I needed these waves of detox to help me move into my next layer of myself.

By the time I returned to La Cruz, where I am living part time in order to work my online job and help support our community, I was feeling much better though I had a round of intense tummy troubles that eased off eventually but then returned a few days later, though not as severely. Now I am wading through a rash that suddenly came on several days ago and seems to get worse, but then get better before getting worse all over again. Right now it feels like this wave is simply another way for the toxic energy I have been moving for the last 10 days + to continue leaving my emotional, spiritual, and physical bodies. Phew. I am looking forward to getting to the other side of this one.

I wanted to share my story in this moment because it somehow feels important, for you as well as for me. It helps me digest all of the changes moving through me and also may help to illuminate for you why you may suffer some intense physical symptoms at times. In my very recent experience, it seems this is how our bodies communicate to us that there are changes going on and there is such a strong need for more stillness and self-care during this period of time. Not to mention that if you aren’t already, I would strongly suggest you check in with what you are feeling or maybe what part of you is avoiding feeling. Doing this helps me move my symptoms faster. It is not something I have been doing frequently enough lately, perhaps…and yet I can also feel how my body, for some reason, has just needed to express my healing in this way. This helps me and my parts to surrender to it easier.

Along with the waves of healing that I feel coming into me even while the symptoms are strong, I feel myself emerging from something akin to a long, long slumber. I feel as if I am being renewed and baptized into a new way of being that isn’t going to come over night but that I am consciously stepping into right now. Β The amazing thing is that I feel how the shifts outside me are a reflection of the shifts happening inside me, and that even while I hold part of me’s reactions to people, I can still feel my heart opening. These are the pieces I treasure right now. This is why I walk this path. This is why I am able to walk through fire without flinching. These shifts are what make the ride through my shadowland worthwhile.

I hope this inspires you in some way to keep going into yourself too. I know that even writing this out for myself has helped me look inside and recognize what is happening in a new way. I may be a half-baked butterfly still mostly nestled in a cocoon for now, but it is only for now. I am on way. So are you.

Catalina Colibri is an initiate of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life and you can read more of her writing here on this blog. Please visitΒ SoulFullHeart Way Of Life for more information.

Feeling My Spirit/Matter Split (Part Two): Life As An Initiate At SoulFullHeart Sanctuary Blog Series

This is part two of Feeling My Spirit/Matter SplitΒ in the Life As An Initiate At SoulFullHeart Sanctuary Blog Series. Go here to read part one.

recovering faith

 

By Kathleen Calder

My intention for this writing today is to have you join me in a feeling space around what it means to be β€œseparate”. What comes to you when you think about separation? A recent break-up or completion with a beloved? The day your mother/father/other family member died? The day you left for college or moved out of your childhood home in general?

Each movement and phase of life often involves a death and rebirth cycle that can encompass some sort of separation being necessary. Of course the very first separation we viscerally experience in our lives comes at the very beginning – the moment we emerge from our mother’s womb. The very first tears we cry are often in this moment, feeling the separation from our warm gestation place and mourning the chance to be the closest to our mother that we ever will be. For the first time, we can feel sensations in our bodies of a changing need for our adaptation and therefore survival. We are still dependent, but we have exited from an intense phase of being held by something bigger than us. We now must begin to build our muscle tone, our dexterity, and, beyond the physical, we must also start developing our emotional bodies, for once again we have been born into this dense and often difficult environment which we call life on Earth (as we know it today, anyway).

As each new skill learned and new emotion is discovered and felt for the first time, we start to develop a digestive system within us and a new way of processing data that needs less and less help (ideally) from our caregivers as we go along. With each new chapter of our lives, we let go more and more of (or desperately try to cling to in denial of our need for change) those pieces of our life that once represented who we were and can no longer stay with us as we continue to grow. Like a child constantly outgrowing their clothes, we too are meant to outgrow relationships in which the person can’t or won’t make the choice to come with us or vice versa, and the β€œclothes” (or, sadly and more commonly, armor) we have tried on in order to reflect, avoid, or defend our emotional realities.

We are meant to gestate over and over again and birth out into a new world just the same. We are meant to have help digesting the β€œfood” others give us to help us grow, both consciously and unconsciously. We are meant to cry out if we feel neglected in any way, or as if there is a lack of love flow in our lives. We are meant to ache out the pain of our separation from the original source of Infinite Love in infinite supply. Only then, in my experience, can we begin to feel that though the fog may feel thick sometimes, we are always connected by a Divine umbilical cord. This is not an ideology. To me, it feels like simple fact. And yes, I and parts of me, are still letting that in.

This, to me, is the core of where our Spirit/Matter split lies. It is certainly the core of mine. I truly feel that my soul has been around and around this world and each time that the original and at times insurmountable feeling of being separate from the Divine must be felt through again with the first breaths of a new life beginning, has been harder and harder. At times parts of me have reacted to this by going so far into Matter that it β€œmatters” more than Spirit possibly could. After all, it is the more relatable place to be in for most human relationships…perhaps because deep in our souls and hearts we are aching out the same pain of the original separation and just want to avoid feeling it as much as we can.

There have also been times in my life where parts of me have tried to lean so far into Spirit that the art of responding to life and at least the Matter that really β€œmatters” got waylaid. This over-leaning into Spirit led me into a sort of constant depression and heaviness inside me as parts of me reluctantly walked through heartbreak, loss, and disappointment, fixating on the pain and not the goodness of life, as if throwing some sort of tantrum and saying, β€œLook Divine Mom and Dad! Look at how miserable I am! I shouldn’t be here! Take me home, please!”

This sort of stark split isn’t the easiest life theme to work. I am grateful to be awake enough to it that I can feel and begin to understand how my parts formed around it and why they have the reactions they do. There is still some deep pain inside me about living out another life on Earth, especially during this dark time for humanity, but at least now I am equipped to feel it through and ache it out consciously instead of having it play out in the same pattern it has until now. Perhaps it will still need to play out in some ways that are similar to how it has done so in the past, but I can trust that if that comes up, there is something more I need to look at and feel about it.

Spirit and Matter may feel like opposites at times, but really they seem to be meant to work together. We are meant to ground into Matter while opening up to Spirit and engaging in all of this with others in conscious and sacred friendship and community. Sadly, not many of us are raised to feel that both are equally important. We wouldn’t need to be here if Matter didn’t have something to offer the Spirit within and around us.

As I continue to write this, I feel how I am writing in the world of Matter through Matter’s means, while connecting to and channeling Spirit. Spirit can come through because of this conduit of β€œme”. Right now Spirit is communicating through my heart, my brain, my language of English, the keyboard I am typing with, the computer that is holding and hosting this document, and eventually the World Wide Web where these words will be posted. And this is only one way in which to try and communicate what I am communicating. Β There are myriad other ways in which Spirit tries to reach us and show us that Matter is not all there is or all we need. Sometimes that message can only come through severe accidents or diseases or just at the very end of a life…but then again, it also comes to us through orgasm, deep connection with others, deep and prioritized connection with ourselves, and each and every time we find ourselves awed or humbled by nature itself in any form.Β  There is no difference between any of these experiences, except method and form. Spirit is there. Matter is there also. One cannot be found without the other, just as we ourselves are an embodiment of both.

It feels like Spirit has enjoyed expressing through me today, regardless of how deeply it can actually land its message in you through me. I am but one messenger and one pipeline. And in truth, this sense of a split that needs acknowledge and healing is such a sovereign, personal, and sacred process to be in, that whatever path you are walking right now is your own expression of it. Maybe one day our paths will align, and if they do, I will be there to walk this healing path with you in whatever way we are meant to do so together.

 

Kathleen Calder is an initiate at the SoulFullHeart Sanctuary and you can read more of her writing here on this blog. Please visit SoulFullHeart Sanctuary for more information about staying with us and virtual sessions