A Man’s Inward Holy Grail Quest To Find Real Worth, Value And Meaning

By Raphael Awen

King Arthur’s knights were ever drawn to escape the mundane, the everydayness of their lives. 

These sensitive and hungry souls had grown to despair of the emptiness of their culture, and their lives within that culture. 

They sought an escape into deeper meaning and purpose and an outer form of nobility and purpose to answer an inner unfelt loss of connection with their own nobility. God forbid that they should live out their days without a conscious quest to fill their sails. 

Is a monk of any stripe really any different? Or a renunciant – one who gives up something lesser for the attainment of something higher? What about the man seeking to make himself ‘independently wealthy’ – having no need of anyone or anything, or the hedonist pursuing every pleasure that men may come to know? The hedonist and the renunciant share a common hunger for something truly comforting.

So common to men of any background is the seeking of purpose and power within that purpose. Men are fleeing meaninglessness. Men will readily settle into a career or a family role because it stems this aching pain and discomfort coming from not knowing and feeling who they really are at a deeper level. 

Men who are not in touch with these deeper needs, the ones that really drive them, are then easily manipulated by agendas too numerous to mention – be they of the highest spiritual orders or the lowest callings known to men. Wouldn’t most of us trade in control or our sovereignty in exchange for comfort?

Men want more than anything to feel good about themselves, and if that means dedicating one’s life to helping others in order to feel good about themselves, then so be it, as long as it promises that they will get to feel good about themselves in the end.

The problem however comes in the constant delay of that promise – the futureness of it. ‘I’m so noble, I can delay my gratification of this need till later, in service of others.’ Men slip into settling for any kind of lessening of their pain of their disconnect from actually knowing and feeling their worth and their meaning, having long ago settled that they are not meant to ever know or actually live from a place of their worth, their value and true comfort. 

True embodied worth, that flows from within, that doesn’t rely on any outer circumstance or creed, that you can feel, that can colour your moments with the deepest creativity and engagement has long been written off as a dream, a myth. We are only left with a kind of nobility that makes the best of a really hopeless situation.

These kinds of dedicated happy campers, god bless them, are everywhere. Each of them with their alms begging bag extended before them. ‘Bestow upon me some spare change of worth and acknowledgment for the choices I have made and the example I am willing to be, during such a time of unprecedented loss’.

This all hits so close to home for me. At fourteen, I recall feeling so bored of being bored, longing to find freedom in anything that promised relief. The Christianity of my family heritage felt so compromised and lacking in passion, that I broke away into something much more engaging with a much higher bar of commitment and dedication. As a man to be, I needed to set my sail with a worthy quest to navigate the sea of meaninglessness that was all too real on every side, at every turn. 

It has taken a number of decades this life, and in numerous lifetimes beyond this one, to get to the place where I can feel that the true holy grail quest; from which flows every grail quest; from which flows every draft of any purpose ever imagined or set sail into; is actually about realizing the value and worth that lives inside, that has always lived inside, that awaits our choice and discovery. I can say I am truly coming to know and feel this worth and have my own experiential emerging felt reality of this kind of aliveness. I also feel the invitation for this to be the magic of an ongoing process, rather than some quest-ending instant gratification of these god given and god being kind of needs.

Only a man in growing touch with this inner worth has hopes of being enough for a woman, for a career, for a calling, for a quest, for belonging to a true circle of men who live in shared resonance with one another.

Having landed here in Glastonbury, England, a ‘fortnight’ ago, I am especially feeling King Arthur as a Metasoul brother wanting to digest and feel together with me the dissonance that still lives in men, especially in the men of the highest attainments, whether of spiritual or material pursuits. He says, ‘We got hoodwinked into thinking that if we chose nobility, duty and obligation, we would be guaranteed to find the deepest fulfillment, only to come full circle, after a long time spent in the desert in that lease of consciousness, and patterned brotherhood, having attained many things that felt so meaningful at the time, only to find out that we were ever still searching for the true holy grail, which was hiding all that time in plain sight, and yet for most, still remains hidden.’

The problem now comes in when feeling how to embrace such an inner quest without needing to enroll men into it for the purpose of feeling better about ourselves. Men must choose this for themselves, in their own time of sacred awakening, when the clock has run out of the necessary time spent in these previous domains – all of which are equally sacred and necessary to the inhabitation of the quest now arising. It can’t and won’t arise until it does.

I’m returning today and plan to return many times to the burial site and tomb of King Arthur here in Glastonbury inside of the Abbey ruins to feel this great cycle of death and rebirth that all men and mankind must grow into and go through. The once great Abbey that was the wealthiest in all of England, that held so much power and purpose in its many iterations over many centuries, by and for men of so many stripes, is seen to be coming from a worldview of domination, both of oneself and of others. Men of meaning and influence had to be in exchange with this centre of power to be granted lease and influence among men. Now, it sits in ruin as a 3D tourist attraction for tourists to scratch their heads in bewilderment at how and what such a thing was really about. 

I feel Arthur saying that he knows all too well now, what such a thing was all about – It was about the willingness of men and women to pool unimaginable resources into a patched together harmonious flow that promised this deliverance from meaninglessness. It was ultimately and humbly to serve as a bad example, of what couldn’t ultimately work, for the real needs of sacred human men and women, even as it shone a bright light and moved us in powerful new directions that were necessary and needed to bring us to this current flow of consciousness that is now arising – finding true worth and meaning that can only be found within, as Yeshua said, ‘where moth and rust does not corrupt, and where thieves cannot break in and steal.’ Domination itself as a way of life is in its sacred death and rebirth phase and we who are feeling it are the Ambassadors and the Death and Rebirth Doulas that are holding space for this sacred shift, along with its attendant new way of being. 

This is the true kingdoms and queendoms of heaven on earth that we are invited now to explore, to choose as deeply as we can in any and all moments, that thread meaning and deep purpose into the very fabric of your life as you currently know it. This is the true grail quest that we are invited to embrace, that gives purpose, direction, guidance, meaning and empowerment to all of life.

Much love, and wishing you deep strides on your sacred grail quest.

Raphael Awen

soulfullheart.org/sessions 

I work one on one with men in session space and the SoulFullHeart process to assist in this kind of personal awakening. If this calls to you, I’d like to hear from you. I’ll send you a few questions and a guided meditation for you to undertake to find us a starting place together and we can go from there in a way that is tailored to your needs and life. More info is here: soufullheart.org/sessions.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.  Visit soulfullheart.org for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc.

The Quest For Your Authentic Heart Opens Up New Earth Now

Your Heart is a gauge of authenticity, a giver of over-flowing self-love, and a receiver of Divine Grace. It is the container of your multi-dimensional experience where lifetimes of trauma and karma are stored lessons for your journey back to wholeness. It has been shattered and scattered into many different moments wherein lies the parts of your Being. You are the nexus, the hub, the awakening center of your soul’s mandala.

The dissonance, the dis-ease, the physical, emotional, financial, and spiritual turbulence is a calling card back to wholeness. You are being summoned by your soul bigness to move on and into new territory of consciousness that takes into account this largess of being. This arising King and/or Queen of your inner dynasty. The reemergence and remembrance of the power and depth of your soul’s True North.

There are precious parts of you that have been awaiting your readiness and willingness to go into the depth of shadow and time to rescue, recollect, and reintegrate back into your sacred heart. You can hold it scientifically or poetically. The poetry of experience is what makes it a living, breathing, and alive journey. This is where your inner cast of characters we call your Protector, Inner Teenager, Punisher, Inner Mother/Father, Gatekeeper, and Metasoul aspects and guides create a rich experience of self-love that leads you back to the Ambassador of Love you truly are.

That journey begins with a feeling of missing, of lack, or of clarity. There is more to you, to life, to existence than meets the eye. You are a bigger story within a bigger story. It is not happiness you seek but the quest for enlightened discovery that leads to the birth of your Sacred Alignment. This comes at a cost to all that parts of you have held dear out of fear, so very much understood.

New Earth starts with a New You…or the Real You to be more specific. The question is…who is that really? THAT question is the first domino. Dare you knock it over? Trust it is all held in Love.

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

 

Finding And Following The Quest Of Your Own Truth

By Raphael Awen

‘Could it be that a part of you has a very good reason for feeling depressed?’

‘Why does conflict seem to pop out of nowhere?’

‘Why do I see repeating patterns of abuse or neglect in my relationships?’

Deep QUESTions like these are powerful, and taken to heart, they can lead you on a powerful quest, to the heart of your power and self leadership, and self response-ability.

They will lead you to your truth to the degree you are ready to make the quest, your quest.

Remaining comfortably subscribed to someone else’s truth, in an effort to fit in, or in an effort to avoid rejection, when you can see and feel the growing disintegrity of those ‘truths’ can only now provide you with a discomfort in the diminishing sense of belonging.

Choosing to really discover your truth will take you to the edges of everything you belong to, and invite you into seeing what you belong to and why, in a new way.

The first question above took me on a spiritual and emotional journey that I was ripe for in my life, where I simply knew that I couldn’t live with myself, if I didn’t allow the QUESTion to fully take me on its quest.

For me, the only picture that could satisfy my degree of what some might call a ‘maniacal’ quest, was the picture of what is known as ‘Parts Work.’ In fact, I couldn’t even embrace the quest very far without seeing and getting to intimately know the various parts of myself and their investments in my current life structures and relationships. For me, any and every spiritual path and emotional path that couldn’t, or wouldn’t recognize and make central, parts of ourselves, felt to me like they were a band-aid of denial over the screaming reality in the room. The quest took me through a path of one self-lovingly negotiated step at a time of changing my relationship to everything in my life, and it still does to this very day.

Discovering your truth will call you to the edges of everything you’ve believed in and why. I sure wouldn’t wish or advise such an experience on you if you couldn’t open up to feeling the parts of you and their investments in your life as you currently know it.

Your truth will sort you, and everything in your life like nothing else can.

It sounds serious, and it is, but it’s also your funnest fun!, …that you came here to discover and become.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit  www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Going Yin: The Quest Of The Inner Grail

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Painting by Eduardo Rodriguez Calzado


“Coming home to your Self is the reunification of your Selves. It is the Holy Grail of the inner quest.”


Enjoyed some much needed Me time yesterday. Being in intimate romance and community, there are times when it is so important to have a space to ‘catch up’ with my Self and my selves. Without some dedicated Me space, I can feel parts of me get a little ornery and start to poke at me. It has come up as a recurring theme inside me about sovereignty and having my own unique expression and journey. It felt like a masculine rumble inside me being in such a feminine offering. However, it is the desire of the feminine for the masculine to rise into his authentic power and healed expression into a co-creative endeavour.

From the masculine in me there is this need for a quest. This has expressed itself in an outward fashion for soul aspects of me. The need to go in search of a Holy Grail that would be the catch all for what is lacking on the inside. As I felt into this with my metasoul brethren, it was clear that what has been needed is a reuniting of these aspects into one place and to join together in an inner quest of self-discovery of the depths of my BEing and the fear places that hold my own Inner Grail.

Over the years I have met many metasoul aspects from different timelines. They have been mostly human in form and have had some galactic self awarenesses over the past few months. I can feel how the entry into a deeper connection with these aspects will come as I have integrated more fully the aspects I have already met. This was the intention that set for myself for the day.

It started by going to a creative visual place and calling these souls to a sacred place that I have created inside myself as MY place. It is a sacred grove of sequoia trees that has a round table in the center of exquisite design. It was there that I met them all for the first time in one place. It is a magical experience to feel the multidimensionality in reunion. Tears fell from joy and not pain. I could feel myself in them as they in me. We are beginning to connect in deeper conversation and feel the merkaba that it is creating inside. They include a Roman soldier, a Scottish King, Lancelot from Camelot, a Native American Shaman and warrior, as well as a Reptilian commander and a Sirian aspect among emerging others.

This is looking to form as a band of brotherhood that seeks communion with the inner feminine. To explore the depths of the deeper fear places and enter into the realms of the forgotten ‘other’ realms that exist beyond the 3D mind. Extending the beacon to my Star Being and Angelic selves and feeling the veil that has been thinning between us. This is the ‘real’ journey to my parts. The kind of thing that gives new life to the process of Going Yin, as I have referred to it.

I share this because it is something that is so magical to me and is meant to be shared. It is a beacon to others as an example of the power and beauty of the process of selves discovery and reunification. The expansive nature of embracing our humanity as we embody our divinity and galactic ancestry. SoulFullHeart is a container and a reflector for this ongoing descension that lights our ascension. A cosmology of the heart.  I look forward to sharing more of my personal process as it arises and feels important to do so.

Gabriel Heartman is an emoto-spiritual men’s and women’s facilitator, energy healer, writer, poet, and heartist with the SoulFullHeart Way of Life.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc.

Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Everything You Feel Is Alive

alive

By Raphael Awen

Everything you feel is alive.

The ‘negative’ feelings of pain or sorrow, or longing do not ‘negate’ anything. They are part of the truest thing about you.

If anything could be seen as a ‘negating’ energy in your emotional body, it would be the unwillingness to actually feel yourself and what is actually going on for you. Cut off from feeling your needs or having space to feel a loss, you are left disconnected from yourself and all that you are.

This ‘all that you are’ is a true portal into the deep more that you desire. It is also a mystery that cannot be explained or quantified or solved, but instead can be surrendered to, lived into, with curiosity and reverence.

If it is change you desire, would you be willing to feel this desire as deeply as you currently can? Would you tune in the feeling of the despair of not realizing that desire and then see where that leads?

It could be choices that were not apparent before that are steps towards larger choices, along with a strange new courage to act that wasn’t there before. It could be an opened well of self love springing up from the awareness that you get to feel all there is to feel. You get to be fully human in an ever expanding way. It could be the strange and overwhelming experience of seeing a universe of reality in a dandelion’s beauty, courage and super intelligence, only without a drug/hallucination kind of mediated opening.

You get to fall in love with yourself in ways that open you out to wonder and curiosity and love with others.

You get to also have the gift of others curiosity about you as you live into this same curiosity about yourself and each part of your being.

You get to suspend your answers long enough to re-open the very mutual QUESTions and deep vulnerabilities we all share.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit  www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. You can make a one time donation to SoulFullHeart at https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

The Quest For The Sacred Masculine

journey

By Raphael Awen

The question of ‘What is the Sacred Masculine?’ is itself, in big part, the quest for the Sacred Masculine.

It is the search for the hidden.

It is the willingness to search for something that you haven’t yet defined or understood mentally under the intuition that you’ll know it when you see it.

It is the knowledge that you have been called to search for something that you know you once knew something of, but willingly surrendered to forgetting in order to be re-membered and re-quested back into as a way of being re-initiated and re-instated back into its essence, albeit at a much deeper level of awareness and lived-into reality.

It is the knowledge that the mystery of the Sacred Masculine will always be shrouded and protected to significant degree from those who have chosen timelines of being veiled from its awareness. As Yeshua said ‘It is given to those who are ready to see, and for the rest, it remains safely hidden in parables’.

Further, the willingness and readiness to see it is also what creates it. It is not an ‘external to us’ kind of thing. It is IN us.

AND, it is equally offered to both male and female, though understandably, initially men will naturally be drawn more than women to plumb its depths.

Our gender expression this life is meant to be more like a multi-dimensional home address to return to, in a universe of travel and discovery, rather than a tether to a life of duty and obligation, anchored to one time and place. We get to hold a primary gender polarity as a player in this divine duality dance, but we are welcome to experience the farthest reaches of the entire dance floor.

Being gifted with a sacred calling to seek, discover and inhabit both the Sacred Masculine and the Divine Feminine inside of our individual selves is a gift of cosmic proportions. The universe is actually seeking to know itself through us. It wants to make you its next trophy experience that legends are made of.

AND, because we ARE the whole at the same time as we are the individual, in this fractal reality, consciousness itself is living out its own discovery and quest of the Sacred Masculine in real time. When you feel that, it changes from a personal achievement or attainment picture to a cosmic ache living its way through you. The consolation to the ache is that what the universe discovers on this quest moving through you, YOU will be the first beneficiary of, to walk out that truth in your everyday life and relationships.

You are literally given a new operating system that forms the basis of your being. You, as you know you, will go through layers upon layers of transmutation. Now, you can see why this level of these kinds of truths are hidden away in parables and mystery and archetype. It’s not that the universe wants to keep anything from you, it’s much more like YOU are keeping things from the universe! The universe cannot force anything upon you. It can only move by your permission and desire.

This is the ’emotorium’ in which all of our life dramas are much like movies meant to ‘move’ us. The word ‘movies’ was invented when pictures went from still pictures to moving pictures, or motion-pictures. We are now at a cosmologically heightened tipping point where our lives, much in the same way, are invited to let go of still-picture living and let in a life of momentum in continual change. That includes death and rebirth. That includes chaos. That includes the essence of all that is moving through us, but again, not without our permission and desire.

The quest for the Sacred Masculine is very much an inner quest, that MANifests in your outer reality. Very good advice would be to count the cost before you undertake such a journey. Your life as you know it now is guaranteed to be different in ways you cannot predict or know going in.

What do you feel about your roles of husband, father, career person, your friends and family? If you approach coming to embody more of the Sacred Masculine without giving it a permission to disrupt your life as you know it, or expecting it only to be an enhancement to your present life, you can be sure the veil to the Sacred Masculine will remain a firm boundary refusing you entry. In this way, the Sacred Masculine is not out to spite you, but actually protecting you from what you are not yet ready for. You may have matured physically, but the universe requires you to be coming of age emotionally for this initiation to be a healthy one for you. Only now can these epic journeys be life-giving instead of traumas. Only now can you take gigantic steps forward into what you were meant to be, with your permission, desire and readiness leading.

Ultimately, I know this will be an infinite and ongoing discovery. One day’s celebrated achievements will be lovingly seen and reminisced later as kindergarten level experiences that bred in us the courage for the next step, as they were meant to, and as the need to compare and rate experience becomes more and more irrelevant.

We are all being invited into our personal and collective ‘more’ as the universe holds all the space and time needed as the emotorium that it is, producing our movements, with the feminine and masculine polarities providing what once was seen as separation and division, but now providing the most exquisite of experience beyond all previously imagined.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Please visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information and inspiration.

Who You Are And What You Are Is Not A Question: Golden Earth Tales

infinitelovegates

(This is Part Ten of the ongoing blog series: Golden Earth Tales.)

By Raphael Awen

Who you are and what you are is not a question. A question is something by definition that you seek an answer for and when that question is answered, the quest is over.

Who you are and what you are is part of the great unknown. Who you are and what you are cannot ever be known.

You are so much more, so vastly much more than you ever dreamed of. In fact, most all of your dreams and imaginings so far have been about trying to manage this ferocity of your being. So too, have been your relationships and occupations.

You have pulled most everything about you into your orbit in hopes of, on one hand, obtaining a clearer picture of who you are and, on the other hand, needing to dim the piercing light of who and what you are.

Your greatness has no measure. You are forever a part of the great unknowable.

What quest remains, it is not the quest to know, but instead the quest to be.

Raphael Awen hails from SoulFullHeart Sanctuary. You can also track him on twitter via @raphaelawen, or on facebook: ­­­­­­­facebook.com/raphaelawen1. Please visit our Patreon Page if you’d like to support SoulFullHeart Sanctuary. We’d love to receive some of your money!