Today I will be sharing some journaling that happened after my initial conversation with Nathaniel, my daemon. I complied sections of conversations we had over the course of a week.
Christopher: Good morning, Nathaniel. I was hoping we could talk some more.
Nathaniel: What about?
N: What about me?
C: Yesterday you mentioned your loyalty to protecting the feminine. Did you accept this or were you assigned?
N: I was given this role.
C: How do you feel about that?
N: Sometimes you do what you are told.
C: You are not upset?
N: I was not thrilled to leave, but duty is duty.
C: There doesn’t feel like much passion or compassion around duty.
N: What are you trying to get at, Christopher? I am not much for riddles.
C: Okay. I don’t feel your heart, Nathaniel. There is something you are holding that is real and wants to express.
N: I feel angry, Christopher! Is that what you want to hear? I don’t like being here but I am bound.
C: I can feel why you would feel anger, Nathaniel. I am sorry you feel like you have to be here.
N: Thank you. I don’t like feeling angry because then it feels like I am angry with Divine Mother, and I don’t want to be.
C: I am sure she can handle it, Nathaniel. She can because it is real.
N: I have asked many times ‘why this’?
C: Maybe there is something here for you.
N: Maybe. I do feel entitled sometimes. Like I deserve more. I know Mother is humbling me but I haven’t gotten there yet. I feel disconnected from her. I can feel Her here, but I haven’t spoken directly to her.
C: Why do you feel that is?
N: I feel I have been busy on guard.
C: Earlier you said you were angry. Do you feel resentment towards Her?
N: I don’t like to feel anything negative toward Her. I am Her servant, not Her judge.
C: I wasn’t inferring you would judge Her. Just to out what is real for you. You know She loves you. You love Her. She wants you to be real, Nathaniel.
N: I don’t know. I need to be with that. I am feeling this is a good-bye.
C: I know it is hard, Nathaniel. I will honour what you desire. But I really would like to stay….
I feel Mother wanting to say something through me but She wants your permission.
Divine Mother: My noble and dearest, Nathaniel. I have not left you, my son. You know you have always been with me. I feel we have not communed due to a closing of your heart, my love. I do not judge thee, Nathaniel. I feel how you would be upset with me. I am okay with you telling me so. In truth, I need you too, for it is your heart song, your pain giving birth, Nathaniel.
N: It is hard for me, Mother. There is something blocking me from feeling you. I hear your words in my head but I am not feeling them in my heart. Have I grown so cold and bitter that I have lost my heart?
DM: That is not possible, Nathaniel. You know this. You have spent so long looking out you have just forgotten what it was like to look within.
N: I miss feeling you, Mother.
DM: I miss feeling you, Nathaniel. You are not lost, my son. I sent you here not to be a protector. I sent you here to be a guide like you once were. A guide to help Christopher steward a new heaven on Earth. To do that you need a human heart.
DM: It is time you let her go, Nathaniel.
N: I am afraid something will happen to her.
DM: You are afraid she won’t need you anymore.
N: Yes, Mother.
DM: Have faith and trust again, Nathaniel. Like you once did.
N: I will do my best, Mother.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
C: Good morning, Nathaniel. Is it okay to talk a bit this morning?
N: Yes. It is.
C: Did you feel more into what Mother brought you yesterday?
N: You just jump right in, don’t you?
C: Oh, yeah. I can feel my Simon part. He is very task orientated sometimes. In a rush.
N: I’ll say. I was feeling that Mother is right. I have become so focused on my duty that I neglected my real role here. I guess I never realized I had a role other than guarding. I was taken by your writing last night. About remembering who and what we truly are. As I sit here, I can feel this is not me. This is not my essence. This guarding and protecting. I am more than this. I was more than this.
C: I am honoured you took that in so deeply. I, too, feel your bigness, Nathaniel.
N: Thank you. I realized I am keeping you from yours. I cannot in good conscious do that any longer. I don’t know what part Angela plays in that, but somehow she does.
C: I feel she has a part in yours, too.
N: Hmmmm. You very well could be right, Christopher. I want you to look at me and promise me you will take good care of her.
C: Of course I will, Nathaniel. You will be with us, too, so you won’t be far.
N: I would like that. I release her to you, Christopher. I hope this is not the last we speak.
C: Not a chance, Nathaniel. We need each other, remember?
N: Thank you.
C: No, thank you.
My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.
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