30 Days With My Parts: Day 4 – Duty To Serve Part 2

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Day 4

Today I will be sharing some journaling that happened after my initial conversation with Nathaniel, my daemon. I complied sections of conversations we had over the course of a week.

 Christopher: Good morning, Nathaniel. I was hoping we could talk some more.

 Nathaniel: What about?

 C: You.

 N: What about me?

 C: Yesterday you mentioned your loyalty to protecting the feminine. Did you accept this or were you assigned?

 N: I was given this role.

 C: How do you feel about that?

 N: Sometimes you do what you are told.

 C: You are not upset?

 N: I was not thrilled to leave, but duty is duty.

 C: There doesn’t feel like much passion or compassion around duty.

 N: What are you trying to get at, Christopher? I am not much for riddles.

 C: Okay. I don’t feel your heart, Nathaniel. There is something you are holding that is real and wants to express.

 N: I feel angry, Christopher! Is that what you want to hear? I don’t like being here but I am bound.

 C: I can feel why you would feel anger, Nathaniel. I am sorry you feel like you have to be here.

 N: Thank you. I don’t like feeling angry because then it feels like I am angry with Divine Mother, and I don’t want to be.

 C: I am sure she can handle it, Nathaniel. She can because it is real.

 N: I have asked many times ‘why this’?

 C: Maybe there is something here for you.

 N: Maybe. I do feel entitled sometimes. Like I deserve more. I know Mother is humbling me but I haven’t gotten there yet. I feel disconnected from her. I can feel Her here, but I haven’t spoken directly to her.

 C: Why do you feel that is?

 N: I feel I have been busy on guard.

 C: Earlier you said you were angry. Do you feel resentment towards Her?

 N: I don’t like to feel anything negative toward Her. I am Her servant, not Her judge.

C: I wasn’t inferring you would judge Her. Just to out what is real for you. You know She loves you. You love Her. She wants you to be real, Nathaniel.

N: I don’t know. I need to be with that. I am feeling this is a good-bye.

C: I know it is hard, Nathaniel. I will honour what you desire. But I really would like to stay….

I feel Mother wanting to say something through me but She wants your permission.

N: Okay.

Divine Mother: My noble and dearest, Nathaniel. I have not left you, my son. You know you have always been with me. I feel we have not communed due to a closing of your heart, my love. I do not judge thee, Nathaniel. I feel how you would be upset with me. I am okay with you telling me so. In truth, I need you too, for it is your heart song, your pain giving birth, Nathaniel.

N: It is hard for me, Mother. There is something blocking me from feeling you. I hear your words in my head but I am not feeling them in my heart. Have I grown so cold and bitter that I have lost my heart?

DM: That is not possible, Nathaniel. You know this. You have spent so long looking out you have just forgotten what it was like to look within.

N: I miss feeling you, Mother.

DM: I miss feeling you, Nathaniel. You are not lost, my son. I sent you here not to be a protector. I sent you here to be a guide like you once were. A guide to help Christopher steward a new heaven on Earth. To do that you need a human heart.

N: Angela

DM: It is time you let her go, Nathaniel.

N: I am afraid something will happen to her.

DM: You are afraid she won’t need you anymore.

N: Yes, Mother.

DM: Have faith and trust again, Nathaniel. Like you once did.

N: I will do my best, Mother.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

C: Good morning, Nathaniel. Is it okay to talk a bit this morning?

N: Yes. It is.

C: Did you feel more into what Mother brought you yesterday?

N: You just jump right in, don’t you?

C: Oh, yeah. I can feel my Simon part. He is very task orientated sometimes. In a rush.

N: I’ll say. I was feeling that Mother is right. I have become so focused on my duty that I neglected my real role here. I guess I never realized I had a role other than guarding. I was taken by your writing last night. About remembering who and what we truly are. As I sit here, I can feel this is not me. This is not my essence. This guarding and protecting. I am more than this. I was more than this.

C: I am honoured you took that in so deeply. I, too, feel your bigness, Nathaniel.

N: Thank you. I realized I am keeping you from yours. I cannot in good conscious do that any longer. I don’t know what part Angela plays in that, but somehow she does.

C: I feel she has a part in yours, too.

N: Hmmmm. You very well could be right, Christopher. I want you to look at me and promise me you will take good care of her.

C: Of course I will, Nathaniel. You will be with us, too, so you won’t be far.

N: I would like that. I release her to you, Christopher. I hope this is not the last we speak.

C: Not a chance, Nathaniel. We need each other, remember?

N: Thank you.

C: No, thank you.

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Recommended Reading:

SoulFullHeart Map To Discover Your Parts

Connecting With Your Daemon

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

Recommended Listening on SFH Experience Radio Show:

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

What Are The Five Key Areas Of Life?

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

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30 Days With My Parts: Day 3 – Duty To Serve Part I

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Day 3

The following are journaling questions one would ask when getting to know their soul protector/guardian part or daemon. I had been invited to feel into a female part of me for some time, but wasn’t getting access to her. I was guided to feel into a part of me that was protecting her. The journaling took several days and this is just a small sampling of what came up in the beginning.

 C: Hello, I’d like to speak to my protector part, may I ask you these questions to get to know you?

 The Part: You may ask.

C: Are you male or female?

You know I am male

C: What do you look like?

Why don’t you tell me?

C: Okay. I see a dark cloak with a hood. You have a trimmed beard. Your eyes have a white light in them. You have chiseled facial features. You are handsome man with a lot of light behind your eyes.

Not bad.

C: What does the world you live in look and feel like?

Again, you tell me. You want to enhance your intuition and clairvoyance.

C: I do, but I can’t help to feel some arrogance behind your words.

Do you want to connect with me or not?

C: Yes, but I feel you wanting to connect with me too, so I would like a more respectful exchange.

Fair enough. I admit I have my judgments about humans. You are different. I feel that and I apologize. Know that I do not say that lightly or easily.

C: Thank you. I took it the way you meant it. Now I will try my hand at what I see.

Stage is yours.

C: I see a forest. It looks misty and feels cold but not freezing. I see a fire. You are alone. In the distance, amongst the trees, I see a glass box with a young woman inside. That’s Angela, isn’t it?

Yes, it is. But we are not talking about her today. We are talking about me.

C: Right. How old are you?

I don’t know.

C: What part of my body do you relate to?

Your eyes.

C: Do you have a weapon and what does it look like? Nevermind. I will tell you. It is a long bladed sword with an intricate design on the handle. You use it to guard but not kill.

Next question.

C: In what situations do you use this weapon?

I have used it to cut through appearances to feel ones true intent. Looking for the wolves in sheep’s clothing.

C: What is your job and mission?

My duty is to protect the part you call Angela and serve the Divine Mother.

C: What do you primarily protect her from?

From uncaring humans whose only purpose is to take her innocence and youth. This world you live in is full of wolves in sheep’s clothing. They stop at nothing to steal that which they do not possess. The masculine energies in your world demand to control it because they are afraid of it.

C: In what ways do you protect her?

By keeping an eye out for danger, using my sword to sense danger.

C: What does loyalty mean to you and why is it important (if it is)?

I am a servant of the Divine Mother. Angela represents your inner feminine. I have promised to always guard and protect any expression of Her.   Loyalty is important because without it I let my guard down.  If that happens she can be attacked.

C: How old was she when you began protecting her and why?

She was young. I do not know how old. I began to protect her when the people in your life felt unsafe to be around. The angry part of your father, the drowning part of your mother, and all those cast of characters in your youth that made her feel scared. I couldn’t take it anymore so I took her here and made this glass container.

C: What are you concerned will happen if I get to know you?

I am afraid you will get my defenses down and she will be unguarded. I am afraid I will neglect my duties.

C: What are you afraid will happen if you do?

That Angela will be attacked and I will let Mother down.

C: Do you feel you can trust me to protect Angela?

I feel I might, but it would take some convincing.

C: I am up for that if you are.

We’ll see.

C: Thank you for talking with me, protector part. I’d like to speak with you again sometime.

Is there a name that I can call you?

You can call me Nathaniel.

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Recommended Reading:

SoulFullHeart Map To Discover Your Parts

Connecting With Your Daemon

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

Recommended Listening on SFH Experience Radio Show:

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

What Are The Five Key Areas Of Life?

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

30 Days With My Parts: Day 2 – Vulnerability Is My Co-Pilot

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Day 2

I may do or say things that make you feel unsafe, but know that I will not lead you into harm. I will advocate for you, but also help you to heal from your past wounds. Being vulnerable is the way to do that. One uncomfortable, awkward step at a time.

Christopher: Good morning, Simon.

Simon: Morning, Christopher

C: You feel a bit blah this morning.

S: I was up again thinking last night. Still a little tired.

C: Yeah. I could tell. What was going on?

S: Just thinking about all the changes lately. So much happening at one time. Just trying to digest it all.

C: Yeah, I understand. However, the beauty of being a part of me is that you don’t have to digest anything that doesn’t have to do with you. The upcoming interview, my new parts, daily tasks, etc. I would really like for you to be able to let all that go.

S: I do too, Christopher. It is just so engrained in me. Has been since I was in middle school.

C: Would you like to elaborate?

S: Well now that this is public, I am a bit hesitant.

C: I understand. You don’t have to. I promised I would only share what you feel comfortable with.

S: I know. I appreciate that. Um….let me feel into it for a second.

C: Sure. Take your time.

S: Okay. I want to just let it roll out and if something doesn’t feel like I want to share we can omit that.

C: Fair enough. I like it.

S: I feel this need to view the whole forest at once stems from anxiety. Always on edge about wanting to do well in school and fretting about being attacked emotionally from the bullies at school. I feel this translating here. I feel this need to be a good SoulFullHeart student and stay alert to potential judgment and criticism.

C: I know that you had to hold a lot back then. I am sorry that had to be so. You did what you had to do to get what you needed. Acceptance and safety. Both meant love to you. I want you to know that I accept you for who you are, a student and a compassionate heart. I may do or say things that make you feel unsafe, but know that I will not lead you into harm. I will advocate for you, but also help you to heal from your past wounds. Being vulnerable is the way to do that. One uncomfortable, awkward step at a time.

S: I do feel that Christopher. I mean, as much as I can let in. The more I feel you leading, the more I know I rest. When you quit teaching, I could feel you holding me amidst all the others’ reactions. That was a big moment. I want to remember that feeling.

C: Thank you for acknowledging that Simon. I am so glad to hear you felt that way. I don’t feel I did very well after that but it was all part of the journey. We are learning together.

S: I know that I was a lot to handle after that, and neither of us was quite ready for what was to follow. But I feel you here now and I appreciate you checking in with me everyday. I still have the habit to take over and try to relieve my anxiety through other means other than feeling. That is why I need you.

C: Thank you, Simon. And I need you to keep me focused and organized. I am not so good at that. I feel pretty flighty sometimes and need you as my co-pilot to plot a course for me.

S: Co-pilot. I like the sound of that. Do I get to where that awesome outfit with the hat?

C: Hell yes! You would look handsome, Simon.

S: You think? Hmmm. Women do find pilots sexy, don’t they?

C: I guess so. I can feel the female part of me Angela saying, “oh, hell yes!”

S: Okay. Now this is where I feel a flinch. This whole exposing your female part to the world.

C: Tell me more.

S: It’s just not normal, Christopher. You are setting us apart from everyone. Making us stand out.

C: But we all have parts of the opposite gender, Simon. There are men who admit to having a “feminine side”.

S: Yeah. Two.

C: Simon. No more hyperbole. You know that is not true. I am just taking it a step further by expressing it and giving her a name. She is a part of me and I want to get to know her. I know that is weird in the moment, but I want to use this forum to make it not weird but natural. It is so imperative that men acknowledge and feel their feminine side. Their is too much patriarchal, bravado energy in the world. We as men must turn that around before we kill ourselves.

S: I am still stuck on you outing you have a female part. Sorry.

C: It’s okay. I got on a soap box.

S: Your not getting a sex change operation, are you?

C: Oh for crying out loud! Really?

S: Just checking.

C: We will take this one step at a time. I need to check in with Nathaniel as well to see how he feels about this. He was the one protecting her all this time.

S: Okay. I just need to trust you. All part of the leadership thing.

C: Yes it is. Thank you for feeling that. And thank you for your courage to be the first part to be outed in this blog!

S: Woohoo.

C: That didn’t sound convincing.

S: Hmmm.

C: I love you, Simon.

S: Yeah, I love you too. I think. ; )

My name is Christopher Tydeman and I’ve been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since March, 2012. I am a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and host of the weekly SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show. I was invited by Jillian and Wayne Vriend, co-creators of SoulFullHeart, to begin my own 90 day outing. In the next 90 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part or prime monarch; Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon; Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part; and Peter, who is my magical child. I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable. This is a healing crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart. Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Recommended Reading:

SoulFullHeart Map To Discover Your Parts

Connecting With Your Daemon

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

Recommended Listening on SFH Experience Radio Show:

Awakening Your Emotional Consciousness Through Parts Work

What Are The Five Key Areas Of Life?

From Wounded To Magical: Healing Your Inner Child

30 Days With My Parts: Day 1- Parts Work As A Training Ground For Leadership

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Day 1

 I was invited by Jillian and Wayne to begin my own 30 day outing. In the next 30 days, I will be vulnerably sharing my SoulFullHeart process publicly. It will include journaling from one or more of my parts, my daemon, the Divine Mother, or all of them in one big group love fest. You will meet Simon, who is my self-image part. Nathaniel, who is an aspect of my Daemon. And Angela, who is my newly arising feminine part. Peter, my magical child, may find his way sometimes too! I will not be sharing anything they do not want to share, or I may process with them until they feel comfortable.

This is all a big unknown, but one thing that is known is that it is me putting myself out into the world and that is scary as hell for some of my parts. This is a crucible for me, but also a look into the inner world of this way of life called SoulFullHeart.

You have the gifts, the power, and the love to be a sacred human. Each experience helps you to remember that. This is a process of uncovering, relearning, and remembering. Healing is the key. All experience is an opportunity to heal. Feel that daily and you have a gift that keeps on giving.

Christopher: Good morning, Mother.

Divine Mother: Blessed morning to you, my sweet Christopher

C: I get all goofy when you call me that.

DM: : ) That feels sweet. You have a beautiful heart, my dear. But in your tenderness don’t forget your spine, my courageous son.

C: Thanks, Mother. I do desire to feel more oomph in my body. More penetration.

DM: There is some healing with Nathaniel that will help with that. You have a warrior’s heart, my love. Not a soldier, but a warrior. Big difference.

C: I would love to feel that this lifetime.

DM: Keep on with your healing and it will come.

C: Okay. Patient persistence.

DM: Yes.

C: That helps with what I had been meaning to ask you about in regards to my next phase. There is a LOT that is going to happen daily for me as I draw a job and work with these new parts.

DM: It can feel overwhelming when you hold all of that once. Feels like Simon that does that. He may need some quick check-ins about the order of the day so he can rest.

C: Yeah. He really needs to have some idea of the day. Thank you for bringing that to me.

DM: Everything you experience, be it rest or tension, has a sacred purpose. You are arising, my dearest Christopher. You have the gifts, the power, and the love to be a sacred human. Each experience helps you to remember that. This is a process of uncovering, relearning, and remembering. Healing is the key. All experience is an opportunity to heal. Feel that daily and you have a gift that keeps on giving.

C: Wow. Thank you, Mother. I feel these words as so true and powerful, yet I seem to let go as quickly as I read them.

DM: You could write them down somewhere so you see them.

C: Yeah, I could. That feels like what I did during my positive affirmation phase. Blah!

DM: I feel them as words of wisdom not to be taken for granted.

C: I like that. That feels more grounded to me. Thank you.

DM: It is all really for Simon to see. You know all this stuff. He needs your help to bring him along. I feel desire in him. He just needs a leader.

C: Wow. Another wow. I never felt it that way. My parts work is the training ground for leadership. That reminds me of Wayne and Yeshua’s blog about leadership.

DM: Yes, indeed. And you posting your journal work with your parts is another act of leadership. You are helping others see what parts work can do for healing and transformation.

C: It feels vulnerable though.

 DM: True leadership requires vulnerability, Christopher.

 C: Gotta walk the walk if I plan on talking the talk.

 DM: Well said.

 C: Okay. I feel like using this as my first post would be a great springboard.

 DM: Be my guest. Your parts won’t feel like the first to be outed. I will clear the path and they will follow your heart.

 C: Thank you, Mother.

 DM: No, thank you, my love. Now, I believe you have a date with a special lady?

 C: Yes, I do. How do I look?

 DM: You may want to change out of your Pjs, though she may find that charming.

 C: Right. Good idea.

 DM: : )

Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Admitting Your Apathy To Find Your Compassion

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I couldn’t blame myself or part of me for not caring anymore. So many years of bullshit and suddenly realizing how much of that I shoveled on myself, let alone on my relationships with others. I had years of trying to stand out from my birth family, declaring myself to be the “black sheep”, which is true in many ways but was a declaration that led to much entitlement around what I should and should not have to experience and be vulnerable around in my life. I did the same with virtually all of the people around me, family or no, setting myself apart from everyone, somehow and someway.

My daemon, out of painful, held deep disdain towards humanity made sure of this. He wanted me to be driven towards a fame trajectory. It was rooted in the performing arts for a time, but was also about becoming a spiritual guru of some sort. It was my dream (or part of me’s dream) for many years to become an author and speaker, engaging audiences from a stage and maybe even reading them out as a psychic/medium. The invulnerability of the desire I held to do and be this is only coming to light now. The deep-seated apathy underneath it all is being revealed, inch by inch. Luckily my daemon, Gideon, is willing to be open and vulnerable in sharing with me his experience with this, wanting to heal and move it, which is big for an awakening Daemon.

Now when I feel my old desire to be an important figure in the “self-help” industry, I am feeling with Gideon, in real time, some of the layers he detects are really at play in a business climate that is supposed to be about “love and light”. While there is genuine work being offered out there that isn’t all about transcending your pain, much of it still is. This is what keeps people coming back for more. They get hooked like a child on sugar. If you don’t keep going back to these dealers and spending money on books, seminars, etc, you find yourself back in the same ditch you started in. This happened to me.

I recall going to the I Can Do It! Conference presented by HayHouse year after year for about 4 years in Toronto, Ontario. While there were and are some genuine hearts and minds who write and speak there, I can feel how I was caught up in “seeking” and not ready to be found. I wanted re-frames and a more positive spin on what I was facing and actually not really feeling my way through in my life, especially around romance and discovering my own psychic gifts. In other words, it became medication I had to keep renewing my prescription for. Part of me wanted to be told, “you’re okay!” when she really didn’t feel that way. I call this part “Katie” – my main way of interfacing with the world until very recently.

My daemon at the time was happy to keep bringing her more messages of, “you’re okay, you’ll get through this and you will be one of those authors on that stage someday. You’ll have found your soul family and you will never have to have the normal human life that so many around you have resigned themselves to. You’ll finally be seen and loved”. These words were like honey and they kept me fed for many years. But…how can holding a goal about being “seen and loved” still be about being in genuine service to others? It doesn’t feel like it can because then it’s ultimately about you. This isn’t true compassion and honestly it isn’t hard to feel how many healers on stages care more about being seen than they do about helping people, though they do offer some moving and helpful experiences to others at times. Many of them, if you read their bios, had very painful lives prior to finding their “gifts”. Pain they were never felt in and therefore couldn’t move through. Pain their daemons use as an excuse to keep taking over their lives and avoiding the real work of healing yourself so you can actually serve and heal the world in a real way…which isn’t necessarily a famous or glamorous way, either.

I have recently been feeling where Gideon holds apathy about my/his own healing, let alone anyone else’s. Apathy towards humanity and fully inhabiting life as a sacred human. Beneath the apathy is real, heartfelt care that isn’t pretty or glamorous but is beautiful and emerging all the same. Kind of like a newborn baby covered in gook. At least that’s the image I’m being offered in the moment. Like that newborn baby, there is real pain and tears that come with that whole package. It’s all being held in my personal connection with the Divine and with my SoulFullHeart facilitators supporting me. I can feel the layers I must heal through in order to continue letting in real love from myself to myself primarily.

If I don’t start there, there is no overflow of love to offer others. This is the real work they don’t tell you about at most conferences and seminars. What I feel to leave you with, whether you identify as a healer or seeker or whatever label, is that it’s important to find your apathy. You don’t need to make it “bad”, but feel where it comes from and why it’s there. Nothing feels more toxic, degrading or destructive than offering false care to yourself and others, no matter how many books you sell. You and I can’t help the world if we don’t face this truth and, in fact, we will only create new problems and perpetuate current ones if we don’t.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Once Upon A Time: Healing To Remember

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I have recently been watching episodes of Once Upon A Time. “I am on season 2, so please don’t spoil anything for me!”, a part of me wants to exclaim emphatically before I even begin. As I have been watching, I keep getting a feeling that I am watching us, humanity, at play. That somehow we are all from an “enchanted forest” and have been blinded by a “curse”. This enchanted forest is the place where our sacred humanity lives and breathes the air of what and who we really are. The curse is our lack of consciousness, our inability to feel our true essence from lifetimes of wounding and conditioning.

This place I speak of is not some place in the past, nor is it a million miles away. What if it was right here? Right under our noses. What if we live in this place, but have just forgotten? You and I may know each other, but our curse of unconsciousness keeps us from remembering or feeling that reality. What if we actually all know each other? That we were once, and even are now, a part of something grand and magical. I feel myself wanting to remember. Wanting to feel myself for who I was, or more importantly who I am.

There was a scene where David/Prince Charming declared that he claimed both his cursed, former self and his true self. That he was both and he wouldn’t have it any other way. “I am my strength as I am my weakness.” In that moment he rose to his bigness while holding and loving his smallness. That is the man I remember being. Some may say it is a projection of who I would like to be. I have learned from my teachers, Jillian and Wayne, Yeshua, and the Divine, that this projection only exists because I am spring loaded for it. I would even say that it exists because I AM it. I am that which I imagine and resonate with. What is really happening is that I am remembering.

So you are saying you are a character in a fairy tale?

I am saying I am similar to a character in a fairy tale who has forgotten who he was.

I believe the doctor will see you now.”

I believe the doctor is delusional. How is that?

Oh, boy.”

May I finish?

Be my guest…or patient.”

I want to clarify that I don’t feel like I am remembering a “past” life specifically. All of those lives have shaped my soul into what it is today, in this moment. All of those lives I was searching for (remembering) the same thing I am today. My true nature. The place where my soul, my heart, and my body are one. This is my sacred humanity. It exists in this place, at this time. But it takes the process of healing to remember. If you have felt this inside you, rumbling around like an elephant in a dryer, then contact us. We just might know each other after all.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more information about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.

Are You A Spiritual Student Or A Seeker?

 

letting-go-of-a-relationship

The problem with modern spirituality is there are too few people open to truly being students and too few teachers self qualified to authentically serve them.

I spent many years as a student, dedicated and fully committed to one teacher and teaching. I didn’t realize at the time how unusual this was. They were aspects of my teacher and that relationship that ended up being off and based in shadow, just like any committed relationship has healthy and unhealthy aspects. But if I hadn’t committed myself to that teacher, I simply would not be who I am now, in the nourishing relationship that I am, and serving others through SoulFullHeart.

I’ve been offering my way of life and myself as a teacher and healer for the last few years and I’ve met many people who claimed to be ‘seekers’ along the way, initially drawn to what I was offering. Whenever someone would claim to be a ‘seeker’, I wanted to ask them, “You are a seeker? So, when will you let yourself be found?” It seemed that these seekers were deeply afraid of committing to just one thing, just one teacher and teaching. They wanted to float around and sample off the buffet bar of spiritual offerings. They wanted to read books (especially ‘best selling’ ones) or attend yearly seminars and retreats. And they expected that this minimal activity would actually bring them the rewards of bliss, joy, serenity and deep love that they felt entitled to receive. Instead of trusting their intuition that brought me to them as a teacher, they wanted someone else to legitimatize a teacher for them (a publishing company, Oprah Winfrey, Louise Hay, etc.) Popularity does not qualify a teacher and might actually disqualify a teacher, but that’s for another blog entry.

Many modern seekers seem to have a short attention span and are looking for the next shiny object to latch onto. They are a product of a modern world where facebook “likes” mean more than meaningful relationships; where spiritual experiences are expected not revered; and where negative emotions have been villianized and positive emotions over idealized. They don’t want to actually work at transformation or to feel anything negative as a crucial aspect of their growth process, so part of them projects them into an idealized place where they can claim to feel bliss and love for everyone all of the time without actually doing the work that would awaken them to a state where this might be possible.

My truth is that this is not what we are meant to experience as sacred human children of the Divine. The Divine wants to experience Itself through us, both in male and female form, and why would it only want to experience the light and loving expressions of Itself? Pretty boring, wouldn’t you say? It is both the light and dark, the shadow and the love that interest the Divine. The textures, the depths, the struggles and the triumphs, the ebbs and flows, the ups and downs. A student of the Divine is a student of life in all its areas of expression and all its highs and lows. And as you become a true student of the Divine and of an authentic teacher of the Divine, then you arise into your sacred human nature which is an arising and unknown wonder that can respond to the ups and downs with an open heart. You experience deep connection with the Divine that is both challenging and comforting; catalytic and solid; full of contrasts and paradoxes and fundamentally conditional on you continuing to heal yourself.

I am a teacher because I have been a student and I continue to be a student of the Divine and will for the rest of my lifetimes. I am a teacher who deeply wants to draw true students, students who will wrap around what I have to teach and still retain their centers. Students who will surrender to learning and not knowing and, at the same time, hold that they are also meant to be teachers someday. Students who will accept the challenge, do the work, and commit to me, the Divine, and themselves. Students who will own if they feel resistance to being students and why.

Here are some more distinctions about a student versus a seeker for you to feel into:

A seeker thinks that a paradigm shift is all that is needed; a student recognizes that it is just the beginning.

A seeker is afraid of commitment; a student lets themselves be claimed.

A student wraps around a teacher while remaining in their own center; a seeker gives complete devotion to a teacher while remaining without a center.

A student allows ALL areas of their life to offer sacred experience; a seeker makes certain areas of their life more sacred than others.

A student wants to filter experience through what they don’t know; A seeker wants to filter experience through what they know.

A student admits they do not know and do know at the same time; a seeker attaches to what they know and what they think others know.

A student draws a teacher who reflects to them their own bigness, not just the teacher’s bigness.

A student accepts the light and the dark; a seeker seeks for the light while suppressing the dark.

A student feels the inner teacher inside of themselves; the seeker denies the inner teacher inside of themselves.

A student accepts that whatever they experience in the moment is the reward; the seeker justifies what they experience in the moment to receive a reward in the future.

A student is destined to become a teacher; a seeker is destined to become unfulfilled.

A student gets that being a student is the hardest but most natural thing. A seeker believes that being a seeker is easy and is supposed to be.

A student is open to their feelings as being an aspect of Divine expression; a seeker is open only to feelings that they feel as ‘positive’ or ‘serene’ as Divine expression.

A student is asking ‘who am I?’ and answering ‘I am that’ at the same time.

A student humbly understands that they are entitled to nothing but are worth having what most deeply serves them; A seeker feels entitled to manifest everything that they want yet don’t really believe they deserve it.

A student surrenders; a seeker submits.

A student is both investing and divesting; a seeker is investing looking for a return.

A student is patient, understanding it takes many lifetimes to arise and unfold and all experiences bring growth. A seeker is eager and impatient, feeling that everything they want should be given to them now and that only positive experiences are valuable.

When will you stop seeking and let yourself be found?

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Who is appearing as a teacher in your life that you are resisting leaning into? If you are reading these words right now, perhaps it’s SoulFullHeart.

Visit soulfullheart.com for more about the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.