‘Habla Espanol?’ Conversation With Divine Mother About Learning: My Exodus Journal-Entry Three



By Kathleen Calder

Today I am sharing a conversation I had with the Divine Mother yesterday. I’ve been feeling part of me holding frustration around lack of knowledge during this phase of huge change and transition. It has felt like a battle inside me to find a way to know what I can’t right now, but also a way to grab at power. It feels like another skin I’m shedding of my western-conditioning that “knowledge is power” and also an attempt to save face during a time when so much of my old self-image needs to fall away. That’s actually the gift I can feel in needing to learn a new language…when you don’t have the words to convince others of who you are, or think you are, then all you are left with is your energy and heart-response. All of us in SoulFullHeart have noticed this type of communication transacting between us and the Mexicans we have interacted with so far. I feel both the gift and the stress of this and that is what’s real.

I feel the same thing when it comes to this idea of homesteading and finding our way in a fairly remote ecovillage. If I can continue finding my humility around learning, I will find my joy even in the trial-and-error gardening we are about to embark on. My desire is to start feeling less self-punishment around making mistakes and also to surrender even deeper to the lessons the Earth itself wants to teach me. Something my soul remembers doing once upon a time, but I have forgotten about in my upbringing in western culture.

Kathleen: Mother, it feels like any “know-it-all”-ness from me lately is based in being afraid to surrender to not knowing…and risking feeling “stupid” or “behind where I should be”. I can’t help but feel tension around it…and especially around not being able to communicate…and hardly feeling the energy to try to show up even for trying anymore. I feel Lex (my Daemon) very up around this.

Divine Mother: I’m glad you are bringing this to me, Kathleen. It feels like an extension of our previous conversation.

K: Yes, totally. Is there a deeper piece to uncover, here? I’d much rather feel the joy of learning than all this tension…

DM: My dearest…in childhood, do you remember what learning felt like?

K: …It felt like having to go through feeling stupid and embarrassed first. Ridicule. Heated arguments and debates.

DM: Yes, unfortunately there is so much ego held by “teachers” and parental figures. Yet the way to ease your own charge about being in what is basically an infant-like learning stage again does not come from holding false humility and pretending you are void of all knowledge. It is your relationship to learning and the holding of knowledge now that is being burned away, day by day. If you can start to feel the vulnerability of learning and the pain you or part of you is defending around it, as you have begun to now, you will find your way to healing your reasons for holding that charge you feel.

K: I can almost picture the walls put up around my real vulnerability in this. I feel part of the gift of finding that vulnerability is finding what my real needs are. Like, for instance, admitting when I don’t quite understand what a native Spanish speaker is saying to me and asking them to speak slower if they can so I can practice and learn…

DM: Yes! See, what you are getting to now is what the real learning is. That will open up more doors for you than simply learning more Spanish in the process. It is a process, like anything else! Lex is welcome to come forward if she would like to talk more about what she holds around this. Perhaps for another day? (…I do welcome you to publish this conversation if you feel ready to).

K: Ah…yes, I was considering that, since there is definitely a piece in here that feels universal, especially during this time of collapse and human evolution. Feels like we can’t let in any evolution unless we are willing to become humble students and not “masters” of our world…

DM: Well said, my daughter! So young and yet with such a powerful soul-memory…I know sometimes it is hard that others cannot see this about you at times. But true power and wisdom need not be demonstrated outwardly so much as held inwardly.

K: Something I feel the others in SoulFullHeart do very well. Jillian especially, as a woman, amazes me with her lack of outbound power-grabbing and over-demonstration of power. That makes her the most powerful-feeling woman I’ve ever met.

DM: Watch that you do not render yourself powerless even though I do welcome your humility in looking to her for templating. She needs you to teach her at times too and there is so much you yourself are powerfully showing up for without even realizing it fully or at all. That, to me, is the essence of a truly powerful woman.

K: Okay, I need to work on letting that in now…

Thank you for seeing me Mother, though others (or I) may not.

DM: Always, Kathleen. Always. :)

Kathleen Calder has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since January, 2012.

Romance As A Reflection Of Self Worth


By Christopher Tydeman

Romance has always been triggering for a part of me. I wasn’t really raised with a template of a healthy romantic relationship. One that included both sides of passion. On one side, the random acts such as notes put in a hiding place to be found later or the hot passionate kiss in the middle of crowded street without care for the peering eyes upon you. Or the other side, which includes the loud clash of conflict that is still held in respect and not reduced to energetic violence. The place where there is a vulnerable and heartfelt, “I am sorry.”

In my personal experience, my template was a withhold of need, a projection of resentment, and an eventual eruption of anger with barbed-wired shrapnel. The sweet moments were few and far between, and even those consisted of half-baked sentiment with an obligatory stale crust. Were there moments of genuine love? Yes, absolutely. More than I count on my fingers and toes. But certainly not enough to show a young man what real love is all about.

So, am I screwed? Never to feel authentic desire, lust, and passion? Of course not. I am not a victim to my experience, I am informed by it. A part of me could easily close up heart-shop by blaming it on my conditioning, and never allow love to enter its fortified walls. It’s what part of me learned by my father as the ideal way to relate to love. However, even he hasn’t done that. He, too, desires a life surrounded by love. He can’t help himself because it is the ultimate human need above our survival needs. This part of him, and now a part of me, can protest all they want, but it is not our nature to resist love in absolution.

My templating gives me a starting point from which to launch. I don’t press off of it like a swimmer does off the side of a pool. I go into it. I feel it. I ache with it. I cry with it. Then something new emerges. Desire. Risk. Energy. Passion. Something different than before. Something unlike a part of me could ever imagine as being possible. I am honestly not writing from that place in the moment, but I can sense it. I sense it because it is in me. It is me. I would have not known that unless I had someone else to reflect that to me.

For the last two years I have been in relationship with such a person. A beautiful woman I never saw coming. A woman who could see a “me” I hadn’t been able to see myself. Now that I say that, I feel my romantic history has been such a dynamic. There is this reflection of bigness, of courage, and of strength. That picture, as desirable as it is, gets intercepted by my unworthiness and is flat-lined. Not to be resuscitated for fear of rejection and pain. ‘The higher you climb the harder it is to fall’. That is the mantra of self-protection.

This is the trigger I referred to at the beginning. But it is more than just the reflection of my bigness that frightens a part of me, it is that someone else actually cares enough to fight for it. That I AM worthy of the kind of love that is more than I ever believed is possible. A part of me is used to a healthier version of the type of love I grew up with, but is uncertain, even confused, about this ground of sacred love. Authentic love. Transactable, palpable, relational, passionate love. Lots of wounding that needs healing. Lots of conditioning that needs re-experiencing.

So what about this woman? After a few incarnations and explorations, it has come clear that Kathleen and I may not be mates in the way we thought we could be. She has passion that yearns to be matched and seen by another. I have a passion that yearns to be discovered by me, in me, and through me. It is possible that romance is not meant for me now. Maybe the romance is in me first. But I could not have come to that if it wasn’t for her. Her passion, her love, her desire for her own self-worth. She may very well be a soul mate, just not in the way I have thought of ‘soul mate’ in a romantic context.

We have been through much, Kathleen and I. My love for her remains as tender as the first time we hugged. That is what is real. That is what cannot die no matter the circumstance. We will continue to be what we have signed up to be for each other this life, for however long that is. She is a big reason I will heal towards self-worth and maybe even sacred romance. It is because of her I will know true love, both for myself and from another.

Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show

Living “As If” Collapse Is Coming


By Jillian Vriend

Today, finally, I feel somewhat settled. After more than a month of travelling and short stays in various places, we are landed in a place that feels temporary yet stable. We repeat to each other, “We are renting an apartment in Mexico,” just to let in the reality a bit deeper. It feels like we are parked at the mouth of the river, waiting to (literally) begin the journey down it to hopefully claim our piece of sanctuary at an ecovillage located on 700 acres about one hour from here. There are still some unknowns about how it will all unfold, but inside of me it feels like we have found home. We have been claimed by life and by others here in a way that feels warm and welcoming.

Kathleen writes vulnerably about our experiences during the last five weeks in her two exodus journal entries here and here. Ups and downs. Ebbs and flows. Moments of joy and goodness. Moments of pain and constriction. The joy moments seeming to be impossible to occur without the constrictions and vice versa. For me, always there has been a deeper trust that everything would be all right and that we had been guided by the Divine to journey this far. Even when those around us were doubtful, critical, and, in one case, even cruel about expressing their skepticism about the way we were responding to our decision to come here….I still felt a sense that our trust and surrender to follow guidance would draw everything we desired.

We didn’t take years to plan the move here. Christopher and Wayne especially had been feeling the rumblings of industrial collapse coming for many years, yet our trajectories in the last several years have been around focusing on our emotional and spiritual health and deconstructing our false selves. When we gave up our residence (and the $1600 a month rent associated with it) and moved into an RV in January of this year, we felt we were on the right track. It was surrendering to Mother’s flow, but it wasn’t known what would unfold for us after that decision. The campground felt temporary with an energy of inflow and outflow of visitors with even the permanent residents feeling like they could move on at any moment. We liked this energy for awhile; it was freeing after committing to year long rental leases and feeling the noose of mortgages around so many people’s necks.

In June, I felt clear guidance that it was time to feel into leaving the campground and Canada altogether. I just didn’t feel like I wanted to go through another Canadian winter and I asked Wayne and Christopher, “Where would you go if you could go anywhere?” A rhetorical question, for sure, yet also, for the first time we really could go anywhere. Our daughter was an adult and completely independent. The painting contracting business Wayne had run for 30 years felt that it was at a completion. We hadn’t drawn new people to SoulFullHeart on the Sunshine Coast despite our efforts to hold talks and connect with local people. We could go anywhere that our desires would lead us.

Their answer was clear and quick, “Somewhere warm. Somewhere in the southern hemisphere. Somewhere we can get to by car.” These answers were fueled by desire for warm weather, yet, also, our sense of impending collapse was growing. I felt very clear guidance that in the next year major events would most likely take place that could make it impossible to leave Canada. Canada itself didn’t feel sustainable with its short growing seasons and deep reliance on fossil fuels and false self-based infrastructure. We wanted to live in a place where the local people lived more simply, more sustainably, and where there was a long growing season. We felt into various places in Central America and finally decided on Mexico, mostly because three of us had been here before and were somewhat familiar with it.

Mexico. I am falling in love with Mexico. It is a dance, just like in romance. It feels so foreign in moments- the concrete homes, the Spanish language, the accordion-heavy music, the dogs that wander free, the lack of self image.Yet it feels like home too. I love the way that life comes first here and work comes second. Every business seems to be run out of someone’s home so that the gap between the two is even less. They inhabit every square inch of their homes here, no matter how humble the dwelling is. Home is where the heart is here, yes. There are moments of culture shock, where I feel a rub inside of me after searching for anything comfortable or familiar and finding nothing. Dimly lit and un-air conditioned grocery stores. High heat plus humidity that seems almost hostile in its relentlessness. There is the challenge of being vegan, saying ‘no queso or carne’ over and over and getting confused looks back from waiters. Just like romance, the back and forths provide depth to the lust, to the desire that brings us here.

One desire, our desire for land, is strong. To grow seeds. To harvest and to eat of our own labors. This is the one thing that feels sane in a world that has become insane from fossil fuel addiction. Even here, in a state where so much produce is grown, many locals go to the grocery store still. Then comes the truck driven by local farmers full of watermelons or papayas or lemons…announcing over a loud speaker their price….and affordable freshness is in your hand and soon in your belly. Still, now, we are buying our food but soon, we hope, in the next six months or so, we will be eating mostly only what we grow. Is this a naive vision? Have we not planned well enough? Are we fools?

What feels naive and foolish to us is those who do nothing to become more sustainable, those who continue to live fossil fuel dependent lives without awareness, those who dream but do not follow their dreams because they need to earn money to keep their disatisfying lifestyles afloat, those who stay so busy that they cannot let in joy and breathing. Those who will most tragically and certainly die in the coming collapse if they do not change their lifestyles very soon.

And, even if we are wrong about the timing of collapse, why not live ‘as if’ it is a real possibility? Why not make changes to live more sustainably, including growing your own food, living off the grids of city electricity and water, living in community providing support and connection, letting go of false self attachments, healing your heart and soul? Why not truly experience your life in every moment rather than medicating with false food in so many forms?

We have jumped off a cliff into the unknown…and found that there is a river at the bottom that catches and submerges us. A river that is made of love and trust and surrender and courage. A river that has an unimaginable depth and a steady current…taking us onward and around the next bend and the next toward a destination where anything is possible.

Jillian Vriend is co-creator of SoulFullHeart, parts work facilitator, author of a  book about connecting with the Divine Mother and on this blog, and sacred humanity-Divine Feminine teacher.

Paradise Lost And Found: My Exodus Journal-Entry Two


By Kathleen Calder

I’m not exactly feeling like I have loads of energy to put into some writing for today, yet there is a desire to write nonetheless. It feels like it’s a desire to digest all that has happened for the past few weeks.

I had to digest much more nay-saying of our journey here recently. I feel like that’s what I’m hoping this writing will be a digestion of. In a way the recent experience feels far away yet in another way it really doesn’t. Maybe I need to give a part of me some space to land here. I’ll briefly describe what happened before I digest it further…

We recently stayed at a ranch we were hoping could become our home. There we met a young man, Mexican-born, who has an amazing and refreshing softness. He also has an incredible gift and passion for permaculture that we all began to lean into. He remains an important resource and also someone who we all hope in our hearts we can remain in contact with, as we will very much need the help of his expertise, but also just want to be around his passion and heart – and we get the feeling he feels the same way about us and our gifts, or what he has come to know of them so far. We met him and several others residing at this ranch before we met the ranch owners themselves, who were just returning from being back in the United States, where they live for a chunk of the year. At first we felt they were nice enough and definitely personable enough.

Yet as we got to know them and they us, we started to feel some deep disconnect with them, especially in the realm of how we feel what’s happening globally and why we’ve given up everything to be here in Mexico together. We didn’t embark on this journey with much more than a nest egg and deep passion/compassion. We didn’t spend years learning Spanish or saving up hundreds of thousands of dollars before coming here. We’ve been moved to make this decision by a new wave of urgency to “get out” of the west before what it’s running on collapses. We have money saved, but ultimately we feel that life and the Divine want us to evolve to a place where we are leaning into and trusting them more, feeling more immersed in the love that we are and the love and raw survival instinct that is leading us on. Thankfully it only took about 10 days before we realized, based on conversations with them and our experience of living there, that we have much too divergent values in place. I don’t feel like I want to get into the details here. Being general feels better in the moment. Basically though, my reaction throughout our last conversation with them was that parts of them refused to see us as capable, gifted adults and only wanted to see us a liability that they would inevitably have to “rescue” someday, in some way. They spoke to us as if we were their teenage children. There was no space offered by them for us to out how triggering this was for us. This isn’t the reality that I’m living into in SoulFullHeart with Wayne, Jillian and Christopher. There is always room to out your reactions and to feel each other in them so that something can move and heal. I don’t like the feeling of bottling up anymore. It’s actually what I DID as a teenager and young adult and I’m done with that dynamic taking place.

I’m not feeling very motivated to look at what the “gift” of this was for me, aside from feeling that much closer to my SoulFullHeart family. We digested the experience with tears, rage and some necessary off-gassing, all at the beach where the ocean waves could help aerate and encourage our sharing together.

Once we decided we needed to leave as soon as possible, Christopher and I took off for a day to scout out where we could stay near Tomatlan and near another ranch we were in contact with as a homesteading possibility. We found a sweet little place to land for a few nights that was on the water. From there Christopher and Wayne managed to alchemize a place where we can land in Tomatlan for a month or so, while we await access to the ranch and can feel through any further possibilities there. To boot, our new “pad” (or what we have made into one out of two rooms, a sink, a bathroom, and some appliances and beds supplied by the landlord…we’re really amazing at inhabiting, I have to say :)) is conveniently located in the same building as the owner of the ranch, and in the second room of his apartment are two other Canadian ex-pats who also feel collapse is imminent. It’s so nice to be in contact with others are feel similarly to how we do.

Since my last entry there was a personal change that I need to digest in writing too. Christopher and I completed our romantic exploration while at this last ranch. It was not an easy decision to come to in some ways and yet in other ways it wasn’t hard at all – my heart and spine have begun to take shape in a way where I can fully feel and advocate for what I really want and need right now, whether or not it makes any sense to the “how” of my rational mind. Christopher and I have a deep love and respect, supported by tons of goodwill between us. It just hasn’t felt like the mateship I am truly desiring, It hasn’t exactly felt like our exploration had the best timing either, with all of the changes and the day-to-day flow we’re in right now. Even right now I feel how much I love him. My heart’s open to future possibilities with him but my process now is letting go…and leaning into what I want and need and feeling the ache and pain of not having it yet…while also letting in the possibility I may never have it. This is the kicker. The most difficult piece to feel and yet, I’m told, also the most alchemical. It’s hard to really drop into it in the moment, but soon I will have more space to feel it. I trust that.

I guess in a way I could feel into that last part with regard to where we finally end up settling here in Mexico. In so many ways we have no idea how any of our desires and visions will alchemize and yet it’s hard to ignore the possibilities with all of the synchronicities that we’ve experienced alongside the challenges too. There is always a chance that we won’t ever find our home…I need to really feel that, otherwise it feels like I’m avoiding a place I need to go to inside myself.

I think maybe some more wine and some reading is in order for me for the rest of the evening here on my bed in Tomatlan. I’m really so proud of what we’ve come through and how and continue to be inspired by the perseverance of us all during this time of deep changes. More digestions to come, I can already feel it…

Kathleen Calder has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since January, 2012.

One Journey, Many Crucibles: My Exodus Journal-Entry One


By Kathleen Calder

After not writing publicly for so long, or really doing much writing at all over the last few months, I’m having some trouble feeling where to begin. I know that I would like to share about my own journey into my own exodus from the collapsing western culture, yet what’s hard for me right now is feeling how to approach the subject. In the last month, while preparing to leave with the rest of my SoulFullHeart family, I received much negative feedback from others when telling them about my plans. The level of denial is prevalent in many people still, despite much evidence in the news and also in my heart. I also found I was getting, what part of me calls, “mom’d” quite a bit, likely because of my age but also because of the relationships that a younger part of me had with these people. I have taken in so little faith in my bigness outside of this very intimate SoulFullHeart circle. This was an ongoing frustration with my birth family too, which ultimately led to me taking indefinite space from them.

It’s difficult in the moment to not just express frustration. I’m looking for something far more vulnerable to share instead. I’ve been learning about myself that this has been a strategy for part of me to go to frustration instead of to the more vulnerable pain layers underneath it all. The real pain and tension is from not being “seen”, or deeper still, not feeling worthy of being seen on some level, in some part(s) of me. What feels big to me right now, actually, is this sureness inside my heart that I am truly following my heart’s desire in this exodus journey I’m on and not just choosing this way of life for the sake of rebellion or even for the sake of simply following what my beloveds are doing. I have truly been baking in what’s at stake for all of humanity worldwide, in what “living sustainably” truly means, and also in who I would really like to be around and in close relationship with as it all goes down. This is what has led me here to this physical and emotional reality – love, hope and possibility – coupled with a very sober digestion of the global and personal realities at hand.

I had completed with SoulFullHeart for another phase in June, needing to go back into life and live into my own blooming independence without direct support from my SoulFullHeart family. I had some more growing up to do. Inevitably I still do, as do we all, but I also needed this time to feel what was at stake in my life on my own. I needed a few months to bake in the prospect that I might be left in Canada alone, without my beloved soul family, all the while feeling an urgency to “get out” of Canada because the way of life there couldn’t be sustained. I never felt this urgency as giving in to fear. It’s not panic, but a deep sense of urgency and the need to act before I would possibly be forced to “go down with the ship” – a ship that I had a hard time riding comfortably on for many years prior anyways.

It was towards the end of August that I felt more mounting urgency inside of me. I knew that Jillian, Wayne, and Christopher had previously committed to leaving around October 1st, but I knew in my heart they would likely be leaving sooner. I had been in touch with Christopher off and on throughout my time away from SFH and soon after I had this intuition, he said they would likely be leaving around September 15th instead. This hit very hard in the moment. I thought that I was meant to ready myself for a deep goodbye to them, but what happened instead was an invitation from Jillian to feel what I really wanted in my heart. It didn’t take me long to respond back, vulnerably bringing how much I missed them and how I so wanted to be involved in what they were planning. Before I knew it, I was joining them at their campground, feeling through what had just happened and experiencing myself landing, once again, in their open hearts. I knew without a doubt that these were the people I wanted to be in conscious community with. If the ship of industrial civilization goes down as we’re all sensing it will (and is), there’s no one else I would rather be in a lifeboat with. To me, it feels like we are part of a new generation of conscious humanity. We are spiritual and human, both. We feel through our realities together and though there is conflict, there is much deep, non-codependent love holding it. We couldn’t be here, doing this together, without having had a deep dedication to our own healing journeys. We cultivate our own self-reliance and yet find ways to meet each other somewhere in the middle, offering our gifts and hearts.

As Jillian wrote about here, we’ve had many crucibles (what we call deep challenges brought by life and the Divine) to face, hold and work through since even before leaving Canada. Personally I had to hold my very first in-car crossing to the American border and later the Mexican border, by myself. The American border was especially stressful, given what had happened to Wayne. I had to hold inside myself the possibly that for whatever reason, I may be turned around too. That would have meant giving up my car, my dog,and the majority of my belongings so I could fly to Puerto Vallarta. You can imagine the deep breathing I experienced when I did cross that border…and of course I can feel too just how much more crazy-making crossing the border would have been if I had waited to try during the height of collapse…

Now I find myself living into the daily crucible of living in intimate, conscious community, being with a budding romantic exploration with Christopher who I have had romantic connection with for different phases of time over the past 2 years. I am holding a dog and therefore experiencing myself as a “momma” in that way, and living into the reality of camping on a regular basis, which is not something I have experienced much at all during my life. In addition to all of this, I am now living in a foreign country, finding my way with limited experience with the native language and all of the frustrations and vulnerabilities that come with that too. I have waves of excitement, joy, contraction and just plain fear. Yet my sense of adventure and love for myself and ultimately for life and its surprises and synchronicities keeps me moving and flowing with everything. I hold the fears of love, romance, intimacy and possible outcomes while also holding a strong desire for each of these things and deep gratitude that I get once again to explore these things with Christopher, Jillian and Wayne.

I do not know whether or not I, or anybody else, will ultimately survive collapse or the climate changes that are happening, yet I feel a deepening trust that all I need to worry about is the state my heart is in. This is where my love can overflow and heal others as well as myself, and hopefully the planet as well. This is the place from where I want my contribution to the coming evolutionary phase of human consciousness to come from and where I feel I am coming more and more from every day with the support and love of others I can truly land, feel and grow with.

Kathleen Calder has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since January, 2012.

Three Countries, Seven States In 14 Days: Exodus To Sanctuary


Lake Powell Lowering Water Levels

Lake Powell, Arizona- Dangerously Low Water Levels

By Jillian Vriend

This blog title has been floating around in my mind for two weeks, yet this is the first time that I’ve really had a chance to sit down and write about our journey so far. A journey that has, indeed, brought us through three countries (Canada, the United States, and Mexico) and seven states (including two in Mexico) in a short fourteen days.

We made the decision in June to leave the west coast in British Columbia, Canada and move to the pacific coast in Mexico. Motivating our decision at that time was our increasingly urgent sense that significant global collapse is coming; a collapse of industrial society that will bring the end of easy gas, easy water, easy electricity, easy food. A collapse that will call us to become self sufficient and yet compel us to be in community at the same time. I’ve written more about that here and here. We felt that the most practical course of action was to move to a place that has a long growing season, temperate weather, and is already living a more simple lifestyle with less infrastructure to collapse.

During our months of planning, we imagined many scenarios about our initial journey to get to our sanctuary, an eco village two hours south of Puerto Vallarta. Our biggest tension feelings were around my husband Wayne being able to cross the U.S. border after receiving a five year ban in 2009. He got this ban due to us living together as an engaged couple in the U.S. and after having a ‘record’ of many years of monthly crossings into the U.S. from Canada for the emotional and spiritual work that we were both involved with in Ashland, Oregon. We were outraged and devastated when he was banned at first, but adjusted our life to Canada, including raising my daughter there until she graduated from high school. Our plans were hopefully optimistic about Wayne being able to cross into the U.S. now that the five years were up and we hoped to do some camping in Yellowstone and Zion National Parks, and also spend a few days taking in the vortex energy in Sedona, Arizona.

However, none of that was to be. Wayne called me after being refused at the border in an attempt to cross by Amtrak. He had been allowed on the train in Vancouver, made it to the border crossing in White Rock, and then been escorted off the train and told he needed a waiver to cross. A waiver that would take a minimum of five months to get. The biggest distress he experienced was being handcuffed as he was escorted off the train by four border guards carrying weapons and wearing bullet proof vests, treating him as if he were a dangerous criminal.

We digested this experience over the next few days and decided that Wayne would fly to Puerto Vallarta and we would meet him in a town close to the Mexican border crossing in Nogales (this turned out to be the fairly large city of Hermosillo) after Christopher, Kathleen and I traveled for about a week through Washington, Idaho, Montana, Utah, and crossed into Mexico at Nogales, Arizona. Although this was an easy decision on one level, it was heartbreaking for us on another as we had all been so looking forward to taking in these sacredly natural places in the U.S. with Wayne.

The whole incident seemed to reinforce our desire to leave the U.S. behind and, as a citizen, I felt a deep disgust at the punitive way the situation was handled and further distancing from feeling like an U.S. citizen in any way. This situation illuminates how vulnerable border crossings are and anyone expecting to be able to cross easily post collapse is in denial. These borders are already militarized and the border guards are the judge, jury, and executioner. You cannot appeal what happens at a border crossing and you are completely at mercy of their discretion.  It is easy to imagine how easily these borders will be shut down once collapse begins, especially if it is a disease like Ebola which causes the collapse. This is one of the biggest reasons why we are leaving now while travel is still relatively easy.

We began our one week journey to cover 1,000KM in two cars with three dogs, one of which weighs over 90 pounds. We discovered very quickly that we couldn’t drive more than six hours in one day as the dogs needed frequent breaks, Kathleen is a newer driver, and I didn’t feel comfortable driving one of our vehicles- a large passenger van packed with our belongings- which left that driving to Christopher. We shuffled in and out of hotel rooms, trying to maintain our vegan diet (we only ate a bit of dairy but no meat) and some kind of daily exercise for the dogs. Every day, every city was an energetic adjustment, along with every hotel room offering its own frequencies of goodness and density.

There were many times that being in the U.S. felt like being in a foreign country, one whose priorities seemed to be majorly screwed up. This was demonstrated in the never ending succession of factory outlet malls, fast food restaurants, subdivisions created around the illusion of unlimited sources of easy gas and electricity. The cities built unsustainably in desert locations, their water sources diminishing every day. The acres and acres of monoculture, chemically dependent agriculture, and even evidence of chem trails in the sky near Spokane, Washington.

One moment sticks out to me as deep evidence of the trouble that we are in related to climate change. We drove over Lake Powell, Arizona- the primary water source for Las Vegas and Phoenix as well. The water level is now so low that you cannot see the water when you drive over the bridge spanning it. There is evidence everywhere of greatly decreased water levels. We spent a total of six days in desert conditions- including in a campground in San Carlos, Mexico, with temperatures hovering in the 90s and even low 100s. Our every thought became about surviving the heat and keeping the dogs cool as we made go of it without air conditioning. It is impossible to imagine how the millions of people who live in these areas will be able to survive without air conditioning, trucked in food, and piped in water. We were all relieved when we passed into more tropical and temperate conditions as we headed to Mazatlán.

It is more difficult to see evidence of collapse in the U.S. as the infrastructure as been so deeply created to support the current lifestyle. It became much more evident as we entered into Mexico, especially into the poor border state of Sonora. Many of the concrete dwellings along the toll highway there have been abandoned and even the resort like settling of San Carlos suffers from unfinished developments and bankrupted businesses. But still, it feels like more people here in Mexico get that modern conveniences are a luxury, not a given right. The water is already undrinkable, the roads are already falling apart in many places, the local economy is already experiencing contractions. The fall is much closer and not as far as the U.S.

Right now, we are in a campground in Mazatlan. We were blessed to be here during the ‘off season’ and are able to camp right on the beach with a ‘million dollar view’ that is only costing us 500 pesos or less than $50 a night. We are sleeping tents while empty high rise condo buildings surround us on both sides. We are letting the waves and sea air aerate us and rejuvenate our energy before we move on to our final destination in P.V. We experienced a tropical thunderstorm last night and every thunder boom and lightening strike seemed to remind us that we are guests on this planet and very vulnerable to the weather. This is what we’ve forgotten in our dry wall, air conditioning existence. This is what we must remember and will be forced to remember very soon.

Jillian Vriend is co-creator of SoulFullHeart, parts work facilitator, author of a  book about connecting with the Divine Mother and on this blog, and sacred humanity-Divine Feminine teacher.

Consciousness Awakening : Mission To Me Journal With Wayne and Yeshua


By Wayne Vriend

Wayne – Good Morning Yeshua.

Yeshua – Good Morning Wayne.

W – My last day in this resort, getting ready for the next phase.

Y – Yeah, and what are you feeling?

W – Well, it was a lot to take a bus ride yesterday to another resort town and be in amongst what feels to me, at least, like the masses. What is about all that that feels so taxing is what I’d like to feel into together today.

Y – People when they congregate in anything, be it a bus, or a city, or a village, they are tying into cultural expectations and adaptations about how to be in the presence of others. What drives this is genuine human need. The result however is a long ways away from anything resembling genuine.

W – Now I know why I like talking with you. You know how to get right to something.

Y – And that’s a good as example as anything. We, you and I are bringing are needs into the circle of our togetherness, feeling what we want and need. We call that expressing. The point of our connecting is not to hide our true wants, but rather to feel and express them and negotiate together for the meeting of those needs.

W – That feels like a world away from what I felt yesterday, or what I saw at the breakfast buffet this morning.

Y – It is literally an entire world away. A world is the sum of what any given culture has come up with as a way of being. Many different worlds within the world and all that, for sure. But even the words ‘the world’ have a huge cultural assumption in them, that is that the world as one knows it is in fact the depth of reality, and that is without a doubt, the height of hubris and stupidity.

W – Some of us are just plain stupid?

Y – Well, being stupid in the original sense of the word means to be amazed or stunned. Most are so amazed and stunned that they inhabit a human body and express as a human being, that they are fused to that stunned state. They can’t see beyond it or around it to feel their unique state.

W – Which leaves them little ground to feel self worth.

Y – Exactly. Their own uniqueness and wonder is lost on them. A deep sense of meaningless and existential depression is their lot. W – Which to me, and I hesitate here, because a part of me feels it to be too judgmental, but I might as well say what I’m thinking,… is that their state isn’t much different than being an animal, and much of the time, what we consider a lesser animal at that.

Y – I feel that’s accurate Wayne.

W – Is that Okay? I mean, should it be our mission to raise their consciousness to the level of their actual being, out of the state that their consciousness has fallen into?

Y – Careful on that one. I’d say that the best approach is to see yourself as a cooperator with someone who is sovereignly coming into a deeper consciousness, not as a creator of that state. You can’t awaken anyone who’s choosing to remain where they are. You’re being who you are is plenty of light and invitation to any soul who is ready for your help.

W – That takes the stress out of that one.

Y – Totally. And feel too how when you are unhealthily pressing on someone to wake up, a part of you is actually struggling with it’s own awakening.

W – I think I see that.

Y – What do you see about it?

W – Well, it’s a painful process to leave the familiar, and the deepest level of familiar is not our language, food and surroundings, but our level of consciousness. Waking up on that level is where the existential pain and fear of not finding meaning or connection comes in. Sailing for another shore involves leaving one behind. So when I’m frustrated with someone who is unwilling to awaken, I need to check in to feel if a part of me is resisting my own movement.

Y – Thank you. Yes. And doesn’t this elevate the whole feeling of what it means to be a human. I’m talking about the grace and space to feel yourself. This is more than self-awareness. This self-awareness though is only the beginning on the path to self love. In between and all along the way comes deeper discoveries of meaning and worth. That’s the theory of it, not to be mistaken for the reality of it.

W – And the reality of it feels like is a life long journey. I’m never actually in possession of ‘it’ somehow.

Y – True, in the flow of it, the expansion of it, often the struggle of it, but such a worthwhile way to be human.

W – Because…

Y – Because there’s no greater container for the entire human experience than to be journeying to discover deeper and deeper experiences and the feeling of your own worth and value, which of course is tied to the worth and value of all of your fellow humans. And what else, …my god, your energy around this awakens me man…what else is that, that alive energy in you of feeling who and what you are is what triggers that around you in others without you having to get into efforting that. It’s an effortless achievement when you trigger an awakening in someone by your being. You’re just being you. This is the deepest level of gift expression.

W – And really the funnest fun, because I get to see more of my emerging self.

Y – Totally Man.

W – My butt’s getting sore Yeshua. I’d like to go feel this by the poolside some more.

Y – I’m not boring you am I?

W – My god, anything but!

Y – Good.

W – I see your sensitive too?

Y – Well of course I am. I’m not a know it all. I’m a feel it all. Being willing to feel it all is being willing to be vulnerable, and that includes being vulnerable to having love with others.

W – I love you.

Y – I love you too.

In this blog series, Mission To Me Journal, Wayne Vriend shares his unedited and vulnerable journal conversations with Yeshua, who he experiences as an ascended teacher energy available to everyone.These blogs offer Wayne’s process and digestions with Yeshua as he undergoes internal and external process to exodus to Mexico with his wife Jillian and Christopher Tydeman to be in eco-conscious community. Read 90 Days With Yeshua: Modern Message From An Ascended Teacher and Ending The Money Madness With Wayne And Yeshua for more conversations between Wayne and Yeshua.

The Collapse Of The Constructs Of Not Feeling: Mission To Me Journal With Wayne And Yeshua

By Wayne Vriend

Wayne – Hey Yeshua.

Yeshua – Hey Wayne.

W – No clue where to go today, as is often the case, but just connecting and seeing where we end up has proven the best way to go, with you.

Y – Well, let’s connect then. What’s up for you?

W – Resting a lot this week, I got past that flat feeling that was a big part of yesterday. Reading a lot too about collapse.

Y – We haven’t talked much about collapse for a while have we?

W – Well, it’s been tied in for sure, but not so much directly.

Y- Wanna go there?

W – Sounds great to me, I could really use your take and input. Collapse is a big thing to hold, being so cross current to grain of our society.

Y – It really isn’t hard to see that collapse is happening already, and sudden and surprising further shocks are not far away.

W – I get that. I’ve been reading a lot of people who feel the same way, and yet I feel something is missing, especially from some of the most gifted and well known writers on the subject.

Y – What do you suspect that missing something is?

W – I know that it has to do with a bigger context, a container with which to hold all of the information. The information and guidance and research as valuable as it is contending to get people to wake up, and making it’s case for the coming collapse…but still, it doesn’t do something for me, that I wished it did. I can’t quite put my finger on it though.

Y – feel for a moment…

W – Feel what?

Y – Feel what it is that you are reaching for when you are taking in those authors and bloggers?

W – Okay. I feel how ‘not at home’ I feel in the present social construct, how stifling it actually is to me, and what I’m reaching for, it feel like has to do with a completely new arrangement of our social order, around deeper heart expression and meaning, much deeper. I hope that something of that is on the other side of collapse.

Y – for you…

W – Yes.

Y – That ache Wayne, that you are willing to feel, is what most are not willing to feel. To want something deeply that you don’t currently have or feel a tangible guarantee of obtaining is the essence of true vulnerability, as well as courage. It opens my heart to feel that in you.

W – Thank you Yeshua. Your helping me loosen it up a bit. It’s a realness that I have only found in such tiny moments or very select relationships that I want more of.

Y – I feel how your soul gets all lit up around a hope of a new beginning in heart to heart.  Collapse clears the deck so real grounded human need can cut through the cultural bullshit to this new possibility. You’re on it.

W – On it, how so?

Y – Heart to heart is the new emerging reality and container that wants to flow out of collapse. Collapse is the falling apart of the inauthentic and false-self based ways of relating to others. We talked before about the illusion of the separate self. That illusion is what needs to go. When it is sufficiently gone, then one can no longer inflict harm or take advantage of an other, because harming an other is harming self. And guess what else?

W – What?

Y – They can’t inflict harm on themselves either, after this illusion falls away, because harming themselves is the same as harming an other, because of our complete connection with every cell of life. It works both ways.

W – That’s cool, because I observe people in self suicide mode, who recognize the ship is sinking, yet can’t get themselves in gear to seek to leave the ship. And with every passing moment, the window of opportunity is clsoing.

Y – This is the essence of being in life and being surrendered to life that the soul is working through. Your soul has wrestled through these pieces a whole bunch to get where you are around it. Many just aren’t there yet. There’s a lot at stake for them this life, but the soul itself is never at stake, just it’s growth. It is always learning and growing it’s way into courage, vulnerability and the true power of love, especially through collapse. Love wins out in the end.

W – So collapse is not the enemy?

Y – Collapse is nature mi Amigo, and there’s one thing about nature, it is never in a panic. People project their own inner feelings of panic upon their lives and natural cycles. That’s what you are feeling when you are reading many people’s collapse writing. It’s the feeling of their own in-surrender to life, their reach for some safety guarantee to be found in externals and preparation. To the degree all that planning and preparation is founded in what they haven’t been willing or able yet to feel is the degree that the writing is based in a panic frequency even though the words are saying ‘let me help you.’ In truth, the soul of the writer is actually asking ‘Someone help me?’

W – But isn’t panic a good thing, I mean if the ship is sinking and all?

Y – True, but the panic is felt by the immediate reality that if you don’t move, you die physically. On a soul level, It’s not as clear for most people. We’re talking about a resistance to feeling a true and grounded panic to what is at stake for the heart and soul. It’s like If I don’t admit my need or my terror, and side in with the ‘all is well’ conspiracy, then that’s what will be true for me. I’d vouch a long ways for creating your own reality and all that, but in this case, the person needs to create their own reality in light of the sinking ship, because inaction is only going to result in creating the reality that they fear. It’s being afraid of death actually, but this feeling is subconscious and so the feeling is unfelt. This is what leads to the reality of death. I rest my case, we all do create our own reality. It’s just not some big spiritual attainment. Every day folks have already mastered this spiritual reality like a guru, they just don’t know it. Where some growth and attainment comes into the picture is being willing to feel what they have avoided feeling. What’s collapsing is the entire construct of avoiding feelings, and what’s arising out the ashes is the new birth of heart and feeling.

W – I think you’re tweaking all of us now, by that I mean me and anyone reading this. What would you add to that about gaining this feeling capacity that is so missing and wants to be born in us collectively?

Y – Well, it’s like you did yesterday. You admitted feeling flat and feelings of self judgment about what you weren’t doing that you could have been doing. These emotions have been hardwired somehow in the human psyche to avoid or suppress, when what’s being revealed now is that they, meaning the entirety of what you feel, that you like and that you don’t like, is the entrance into your own authenticity and power. People feel that if they shed their nice guy polite shit, there wouldn’t be restraint on their destructive energy, when really that destructive pent up energy is really just their authentic selves locked away. This is just kindergarten really for the heart and the emotions. A beginning place, that can take you to some crazy cool places as you’ve found out some.

W – yeah and I’m wanting to find out a whole bunch more.

Y – Cuz you’re a maniac.

W – who talks to Jesus no less.

Y – Hey, you’re not the only one taking flack for being strange man. I get the same deal from the guys i hang with about your and I’s connection. Their just jealous though. This is the shit the entire universe has groaned in travail for and you and got it going in an all inclusive package.

W – Thanks Yeshua, I feel myself getting slowly back up to your and I’s speed.

Y – Likewise, thanks Man.

W – I love you man.

Y I love you too, MAN.

The Cause Of Being Is Your Because: : Mission To Me Journal With Wayne And Yeshua

Wayne – Hey Yeshua, I’m up for more if you are.

Yeshua – I’m in. How are you doing?

W – You caught that huh? I’m feeling a bit blah actually and a part of me is eager for there to be a bit more clarity about what’s going on. I don’t feel much motivation. I could be studying Spanish or doing exercise, but the get up and go for that isn’t there right now.

Y – And what’s wrong with that?

W – Well, a conditioned part of me doesn’t like feeling the blahs. I suspect something bigger than I can track right now is being rewired at the moment. After all, I am 1 week into a new country, and a few weeks retired from a 30 year career.

Y – Won’t you be surprised by where we go today?

W – I’m counting on it actually. But I think you’re gonna have to lead here. From where I’m coming from in the moment, I can’t feel much.

Y – And what’s the doorway into feeling?

W – I’d say it’s admitting that I’m not feeling much and that I’d like to be feeling a lot more.

Y – And what is the world of feeling?

W – hmmm, I’d say feeling is…..feeling is like a flood of self worth, and self-recognition that so inflates….and that comes from the internal, rather than the external. Sometimes the external is what triggers the internal…

Y – Okay, hold on for a second now. Self worth. Feeling worth. Feeling great about yourself.

W – Right…

Y – And you say, you’re not feeling much of that this afternoon?

W- Honestly, no. I’m feeling a bit flat.

Y – What is flat?

W – It feels like some impulse to do something. After all I am in a resort, with time on my hands, and money too if need be.

Y – And why don’t you want to go out and do shit?

W – I just don’t see myself having a lot of enjoyment being in people’s disconnected vacation energy.

Y – Where would you rather be?

W – I guess I’d rather be here with you having this conversation.

Y – Is this going somewhere?

W – I was just about to ask you the same thing.

Y – Tell me your answer.

W – Feeling is beginning to trickle in as I connect with you.

Y – And what’s the feeling?

W – That I am loved and valued as I am and as a human, I have much greater depth and need in my being, and simple pat answers about ‘overcoming depression’ are a pathetic bullshit heap in comparison with the uniqueness and complexity and the worth of my being…

Y – Don’t stop now.

W – And of course I feel out of sorts. I just unhitched from peddling myself in the world as a house painter, something that was affecting me with the growing integrity gap of painting people’s homes when I wanted to tell people to get the hell out of their sinking titanic reality.

Y – You’re left with a vacuum.

W – Yeah, I get that part, but I’m still struggling to enjoy it, or to be at rest in it.

Y – In nature Wayne, things incubate, they bake and they reboot. A breakthrough moment isn’t any more sacred that a process moment leading up to that breakthrough.

W- You saying I’m a bit of a change addict.

Y – Y’a think?!

W – Maybe you can help me sort through this lifelong restless energy then. Yes, I’ve been impatient and surprised many times by how things that defined my life, I became suddenly done with.

Y – I’m not so sure I can do that for you.

W – Why not?

Y – Because only you can do it for you.

W – Can you help me grasp that then?

Y – That I can do.

W – That I would like.

Y – How many guys do you know that talk with Jesus on the drop of a hat on boring flat feeling afternoon?

W – Are you trying to cheer me up?

Y – God forbid. Let’s try another tack. You tell me what’s right about you?

W – I feel that it is because I am in touch with my heart that I can feel what I feel, rather than suppress it, even if it isn’t a high feeling, feel the desire and need and even frustration of a blocked need, and in that come back to myself.

Y – Uh, huh, I’m listening now.

W – I’ve actually managed to uncouple myself from an entangled and make believe  world where time and money perceptions are used to enslave and cap the deeper capacities. How many people pull that off? Every person around me that I watch, I can feel the ache in them, the unfelt desire they are reaching for, and I have the ability to actually help them. That’s like real fun, not a boat ride being pulled in parachute abound the Bay of Banderas. God help us.

Y – What else?

W – I’m able to give myself this hospital like experience of care and love and going real easy on myself, and am able to answer and hold the part of myself who is still prompted by doing and routine and achievement, and be okay with doing nothing if that is what is most authentic.

Y – Because…?

W – It’s the because of the cause of being. My being is in rest and in stillness, there is a pregnancy of unexplainable metamorphosis. That’s the cause. Being over doing. It’s not a ‘do-cause,’ it’s a ‘be-cause.’ Not killing the being’s authentic and actual experience with doing something, out of some fear of losing meaning or purpose or value. I am full of meaning, purpose and value. I’m just choking a bit getting myself wired up to this new reality and letting it in. I’m hot fucking stuff man. How’s that Yeshua?

Y – You are hot fucking stuff man. Way hotter than parts of you realize. Do you get that the divine has had to put like lamp shades on you to get you safely this far, for a reason that’s yet to be revealed to you, to your mind that is.

W – Part of me worries though that especially when I’m in a flat feeling space that I’m somehow the weak link in all this unfolding, that I need to be more something to actually inherit divine purpose or something.

Y – Letting go of THAT veil is all that’s required. That was the deal extended virtually every religion, especially the one that fucking tagged onto my name, god dammit! Reeking pile of stinking horseshit that jesus loving Christianity is.

W – Whoa, Yeshua, are you being a bit over the top?

Y – The whole entire shit pile is designed and engineered for adherents to be ensured that never recognize or feel their own divinity. You don’t get people to wake up to their divinity by flogging them into it, or scaring them into it. You only ensure that they remain hidden further and further from feeling who and what they actually are before they ever believe anything or lift a spiritual finger to do anything. That’s a shit pile conditioning and I’d like to tell that to EVERY single Christian out there and especially the beloved pastors and priest assholes who are now called upon to admit that they are a huge part of the problem, not the answer in their claim on truth.

W – Wow, that’s interesting to me, cuz I have my Christian badge as you know.

Y – Yeah, and I get how relateable and all you are when you talk to Christians.

W – Yeshua, I just feel the deal is falling apart in it’s own way and time, and folks need the time they need. I did.

Y – And I get that, and I’d like to stick dynamite under it all at the same time. Part of the shit you are choking on in beloved Puerta Vallarta is the horse-shit Jesus and Mary Statues that serve as energetic blockers to seeing what’s true on a deeper level. You need to feel how part of your energy being sapped is location based, where your fellow human souls, who are your brothers and your sisters are committed to staying stuck in the name of serving God.

W – You know Yeshua, THAT I feel, I feel how I miss deep heart connection with the people around me, the people I’ve known in my past. I’ve dreamt about so many of them in recent months. They are my brothers and my sisters, and yet that brotherhood and sisterhood isn’t transactable.

Y – There’s that be-cause popping out Wayne. You’ve been guided to walk where others are afraid to walk, then feel the missing of the connection that you gave up to take those steps and then invite all men and women into the deeper waters you’ve found and feel.

W – My god, don’t suppose there’s a higher calling than that, huh?

Y – Yeah, and you figured you could embrace all of that without some headwind?

W – Guess I just forgot…so I could re-member…

Y – Have you tried the tequila yet?

W – No.

Y – Put that on your list man.

W – Will do, and thank you again Yeshua.

Y – De nada.

Your Inner God-Baby And Your Child Heart-Mind: Mission To Me Journal With Wayne And Yeshua


Wayne – Yeshua, it has been too long.

Yeshua – Time is an elusion, but I get the sentiment.

W – I think you meant ‘illusion.’ Not that I’m any language expert.

Y – Both can work here. Time is an escape mechanism that both hides and deceives.

W – You feel eager to teach.

Y – I do?

W – Yeah, and I feel like I miss your teaching.

Y – You do?

W – Big time. I long for your context, for your deep expansion of consciousness that brings back wonder and gratitude.

Y – There are no higher states actually.

W – Really, are you sure about that?

Y – Wonder is the child heart mind connection that adults have had eroded and stolen from them. It’s the freedom to feel everything with little or no effort to hide. You have to go back to the youngest of children though to feel it in it’s essence as it begins to fade from early on in your world.

W – I was at breakfast this morning and there were little children all around, stuffing their face, fussing, smiling, gazing. I would have given my right arm to babysit for a day I felt like.

Y – These children reflect to you your own inner god-baby that you long to connect with.

W – I feel that Yeshua.

Y – What do you feel?

W – I just arrived at a resort in Mexico, while Jillian, Christopher and Kathleen and the fur-face trio are driving down. I feel like a dependent child in so many ways, I’ve found my way to the food and beer though. I even have a wrist bracelet that totally feels like a hospital bracelet. My caregivers need to positively identify me. It feels daunting at the moment to venture too far away from the resort, though I did take in the ocean and the waves yesterday.

Y – Feel that you do in fact have a baby entrusted to your care that takes priority over anything else. Your budding inner god-baby.

W – Tell me more.

Y – There you go, That’s what baby’s do. Ask questions. The questions arise from simply being with what is, and the absolute wonder of it in any moment.

W – I feel that like a faint memory more than a living reality. I mean, I want it to be more that way in my life no doubt, but it feels idealistic to a part of me.

Y – Labeling something as idealistic is a way to dismiss it and the pain of not being in touch much any more with deep penetrating beauty and wonder. It takes being and power to be willing to let in beauty. It’s not so much a lost art as it is a lost permission.

W – It feels good just now to be in our connection and feeling you and the desire you have to teach.

Y – My desire to teach is a desire to be met.

W – What do you mean?

Y – It’s not that I’m a know it all. In fact, I’m the opposite of a know it all. I know that I don’t even know how much I don’t know. But my desire to continue learning is in a healthy and fired up state. That’s being in the child heart-mind. All learning is sourced and based in simple love. Love connects and shares. I actually have a need to give away what I have in order to make room for more.

W – You tweak me big time Yeshua when you speak of all being being sourced in love and then how you connect that to the child heart-mind.

Y – What tweaks you about it?

W – Well, as I’m presently removed from my own cultural reference points and my previous sense of home, I feel the many cultural constructs around me, both of the locals and the tourists and they feel like they each have a beauty to them, but a beauty that is for the most part no longer felt and connected with.

Y – People go on vacation to vacate the prison of their constructed lives. They give themselves a few moments to feel their wanter, but then even that is greatly moderated by the part of them afraid to feel their own inner god-baby.

W – What would happen if we got a whole lot more admitting of our inner god-baby?

Y – It would change the world, like a tsunami changes a landscape. Love is the source and force that moves every bit of energy in the universe. Even the malevolent and destructive forces are actually seeking love. Meet destruction with love and watch the transformation.

W – My inner god-baby says ‘I want.’ I think that’s something like ‘Yo Quiero’ in Spanish.

Y – Language is the lingua or the tongue. It is the flow from the heart. It in it’s essence is very simple in what it wants and needs. It is only when someone removes from themselves the feeling of their own needs that language is complicated and removed from it’s essence of communicating the ‘Yo Quiero’ that is at root of all life.

W – That’s interesting Yeshua, because it seems every religion is far more comfortable expressing what they have to supposedly give, rather than what they are in need of.

Y – Big time. This utter disconnection from their own susceptibility to being human, posing as spiritual fill up stations, only serves to elude them with illusion of being without need. This is the key to returning to the child heart-mind. How cool would it be for a religion to offer ‘we long to know’ rather ‘we know.’

W – I think I may have a piece at least of an answer to that.

Y – Say on mi amigo.

W – It gets back to that terror of feeling the great loss of our child heart-mind. We put control around it in the form of offering answers without the reverence for the questioner or the quester, that is moved by the love you speak of.

Y – And this control really is a rinky-dink pathetic attempt.

W – Yet it seems so… everywhere.

Y – Because it is so dirt cheap and utterly worthless really. Give me the child heart-mind any minute of any day over that, and we will then discover what every vacationer is actually seeking. True seeking is what leads to finding.

W – Wow, Yesh, Thank you again. I think days were invented to be able to take you in, in stages…I need to hold off till tomorrow.

Y – There is no tomorrow remember, only now.

W – Okay, I will. One more thing, Yeshua, speaking with you is really helping me adjust, helping me feel my own heart, and helping me land in this brave new world. Gracias.

Y – De nada….