What Ferguson Invites Us To Feel About Collapse: Conversations With Divine Mother About Global Collapse


By Jillian Vriend

Outer violence is an expression of an unhealed inner violence. If someone is acting violently, it is because there are violent feelings happening inside of them from one part of them to another.

Jillian: Hola Mother

Divine Mother: Hola Jillian

J: I feel something stirring in me and I wanted to process it with you. I am compiling the 60 days of journaling that I did with you almost exactly a year ago to put it into an ebook format soon. And Christopher shared with us this morning touching journaling that he did with you.

DM: I am here for you as I am here for everyone. What did you feel stirring in you?

J: I’m sure you know…as it feels like you track all world events…of the rioting, protesting, and looting that is going on in Ferguson, Missouri after the decision not to indict a cop in the murder of an unarmed black kid.

DM: Murder…yes. It is murder. Unjustifiable murder. But then, murder is never justified.

J: Never? What about in self defense?

DM: The situation of violence predicating more violence is never justifiable. Not in the sense of natural balance in the universe. Animals do not murder each other. They kill because they are hungry or to protect themselves or their children from being eaten. But they do not kill each other out of fear, greed, hate, abuse, corruption.

J: Ah, that point is going in. There is so much modeling from the animal world for us on how to be, yet the false self views animals only in terms of conquest. And talk about murdering something…meat is murder. Obviously, I resonate with that being vegan.

DM: As I’ve mentioned to you before, outer violence is an expression of an unhealed inner violence. If someone is acting violently, it is because there are violent feelings happening inside of them from one part of them to another.

J: We’ve experienced that in our SoulFullHeart work with people as a punisher part-shame part dynamic inside of them. It can go very deep inside of someone, like a virus that they’ve just lived with for years. A virus inherited from their parents, who had an inner or outer punishment cycle going on of their own and passed it on to their children.

DM: I understand your metaphor using a virus, but a virus is natural, where as the dynamic you speak of is not.

J: Going back to the Ferguson situation, there is something about it that is very unnerving when related to what we feel is a most likely imminent collapse of industrial society. You’ve validated that this is going to happen as what has been put out of balance needs to be put back in balance. When I see these images of people setting fire to cars and buildings, breaking into stores, blocking off bridges….I can’t imagine what intensity would be going on if they were hungry, if their bellies were empty from not getting trucked in food or they were dying of thirst when the taps get turned off.

DM: In the case of Ferguson, there are those who feel outrage; they feel that they are demanding justice. They feel that violence has been done to not just the boy who died but to them personally. But, it is still more of an idealistic protest. You are correct that if and when it gets personal, when it becomes about survival, that there is an explosive and dangerous reality coming. Much death is coming.

J: This is why we are here right now. Sitting in Mexico, about to move onto a ranch with an independent water and food source that is two hours from a major city. It’s not just fear of the violence though, Mother, or even just about self preservation. It is about feeling all these possibilities and choosing from love to make these changes. Love for the earth. Love for ourselves and those we serve love to at the ranch. Love for our bodies. Love for the animals on the ranch.

DM: Yes, as you’ve said, truly courageous actions come from love not from fear.

J: People who do not want to accept collapse have told us that we are paranoid or just coming from fear. They do not feel how it is love for ourselves and the earth and for you which drives us and motivates us. People who choose to remain in situations where they are dependent on government systems for their very survival are the ones motivated by fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of change. Fear to be autonomous. Fear to take action.

DM: They can understand being motivated by fear. Being motivated by love is something very new. But it is the seed of every human. It is in the seed of their sacred humanity.

And you are not paranoid, but realistic. You see the situations happening around the world- the war, the death, the violence, the destruction of the earth, and you ask, “What actions can I take, both externally and internally” in response to these actions? The unrealistic person with their head in the sand may not even see what is happening, but, even if they do, they are paralyzed to even ask the question, much less take action.

J: I feel the intensity of this time we live in. I feel sadness that my own daughter is currently living in the western world in a place in an unsustainable lifestyle that I feel will become quite dangerous for her during collapse. But, I respect that she doesn’t feel or see it that way and has chosen to stay there for now. I’ve had to let go of a relationship with her right now though, as I have many others who haven’t seen and, as you said, asked the action question.

DM: I feel your loss, Jillian. I am sorry for it. I am with your daughter, watching out for her if and when she is ready to connect with me.

J: Thank you, Mother. I feel that it was so important to give her space to make her own decisions and to follow her own heart and soul desires, even if they differed from mine. This was for myself and for her, especially now that she is almost 20 years old. The feeling of collapse makes me want to buy her a plane ticket to Mexico and send it to her right this moment while it’s still possible to get out of Vancouver. But, that urge is based in my own fear rather then continuing to hold an invitation based in love for her to join us here. Plus, I know after so many years of working with people, that you can offer the invitation but then you have to let go of being attached to them accepting it.

DM: Yes, like the saying, “You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink.”

J: You must know this so well. Watching your human children make such a bloody mess of everything here on earth. It must be so hard to just watch it.

DM: Moments like this, connecting with you and others who are open, makes it worth it. I am accepting of the death and rebirth cycle, Jillian, as I have offered for you to be. Humanity is going on a sacred journey, an autonomous journey, that I would not interfere with even if I could. But if someone wants to go on an alternative path to inhabit their connection with me and their sacred humanity, then I deeply and eagerly respond to that.

J: I love you, Mother. That’s what I feel most in this moment….is how much I love you. I feel that it has been your guidance and my surrender to it (mostly) that gives me the opportunity now to be safe and even a sense of joy and thrival about my life now and in the future.

DM: I love you too, beloved daughter. I am glad you connected to me as there is much in the grids in the moment with the many bon fires of violence glowing in your world. I am at each one, ready to suppress the flames if asked to.

J: Thank you, Mother.

Jillian Vriend is co-creator of SoulFullHeart Way Of Life, offers group, couples, and individual retreats at an off-grid ranch in Mexico, and is author of Under The Bloated Banyan and In The Arms Of Mother.

Related Writing:

60 Days With Divine Mother: Message Of Real Love From A Feminine God

90 Days With Yeshua Book Available Now: Modern Message From An Ascended Teacher


Go here to read a preview and purchase print edition.

Book Description:

“Connecting happens when there is mutual desire and choice. People only complicate connecting because part of them is not ready to connect. Connecting with me, or any other guide, or the Divine, is the easiest thing on the planet. Being ready for something that easy inside yourself is where the work comes in.” Yeshua

Description: This is NOT the Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior of the Bible. This is Yeshua, ascended teacher with an attitude and a keen metaphysical mind. For 90 days, Wayne Vriend (a former Christian) showed up for daily conversations with the provocative, fiesty, loving, and confrontive teacher that he had spent years believing was not accessible to him directly without the Church’s filter. Yeshua challenges the distortions of Christianity, the ‘family cult’ conditioning, the myth of the separate self, the definition of masculinity, and the ways that following someone else’s morality picture are limiting and, even, dangerous.

Yeshua guides Wayne in digesting his experience in Christianity and his decision to leave it. Yeshua also accepts guidance and teaching from Wayne related to awakening his emotional consciousness and working with his own parts, which Yeshua feels has been a big missing piece in spirituality practices and offerings. Yeshua, the native and Hebrew name for Jesus, and his message has been misunderstood and distorted by fundamentalist,  mainstream religions and the Bible for over 2,000 years. Free from this distortion, and updated to the present, the message from Yeshua – a benevolent, catalytic, and, again, universally available ascended teacher – is a deeply relevant and touching one.


Wayne Vriend is co-creator of SoulFullHeart, group/couples/individual retreat facilitator, parts work facilitator, author, and sacred humanity-Divine Masculine teacher.

Under The Bloated Banyan Memoir Available Now: One Woman’s Experience and Recovery From Emotional Body Enlightenment (EBE)

utbbcoverimageGo here to read a preview and purchase print edition and here for the e-book edition.

Book Description: What is it that makes a group a cult? What degree of harm or abuse (if any) is acceptable in the name of emotional and spiritual healing? Is it ever okay to ostracize someone from an entire intimate social community without allowing them to defend themselves and process their experience? How does someone reconcile the good that they experienced in such a group from the bad?

These are the questions that author Jillian Vriend explores after being given a harsh ultimatum about either choosing to stay in the group she was part of or giving up her budding relationship with her now current husband. The love for her husband and the Divine gives her the courage to leave Emotional Body Enlightenment (EBE) after close to five years of being deeply involved in the inner circle and being a facilitator of the paradigm. Offered mostly through journals and blog entries that Jillian actually wrote during the time, Under the Bloated Banyan covers a six year period of Jillian’s experiences with love, healing, intense pain, and self discovery during and after EBE.

Under The Bloated Banyan offers a vulnerable and raw perspective that is stripped of much mental analysis and goes to the emotional core of why intense groups and their charismatic leaders are so alluring. Rather than play a victim, Jillian accepts her experience as a necessary one and appreciates it for the gifts it offered, while also feeling a strong desire to expose and hold accountable the founder of EBE for perpetuating a years long cycle of post traumatic suffering for most of the people he has ‘kicked out’ of his paradigm without a personal completion. This book is for anyone who has experienced such a group, is drawn to joining one, has a friend or relative in one, or is just curious about this sort of experience.

Jillian Vriend is co-creator of SoulFullHeart, group/couples/individual retreat facilitator, parts work facilitator, author of In The Arm Of Mother, and sacred humanity-Divine Feminine teacher.

The Me In The We: Feeling Myself Within Community

SoulFullHeart Mandala designed by Christopher Tydeman

SoulFullHeart Mandala designed by Christopher Tydeman

by Christopher Tydeman

Since I can remember, a part of me has generally been a loner. Not in the lonely sense of the word but in the “I enjoy my me time” sense. When I wasn’t playing with friends (yes, I did have them), I was in my room playing with my Star Wars action figures, building with my Legos, or outside climbing trees and acting out loud some dramatic scene of me saving the world. Though I had a few close friends in my life, ones that I spent a lot of time with, I still found myself enjoying my “me” time.

In regards to my family, I can remember liking my space from the volatility of my birth parents. The stresses of everyday life found there way energetically into the house and my room was a respite from that. I remember having close family friends that I spent weekends and summers with. That was my first taste community outside the family unit. As kids, we fought, argued, did the silent treatment, forgot what we were mad about, and then continued on. All within a span of 30 minutes most times. Having fun was way more important. But when I got into my room, I felt like I was home. I could rest and be me.

When I became a teenager, this need for personal space amplified, as it does for most. I had a core group of friends that I partied and hung out with quite often, but, again, I found solace in my room. This time it was with music, television, and art. Staying up until the wee hours drawing album covers for my favorite heavy metal bands. I felt a “me” in my room that no one could touch. When I was “out there”, it was about fitting in, staying away from the assholes, and following the rules. Community was a much bigger and scarier place.

As I entered college, and moved into dormitory life, community felt a bit safer and more real. So many different people coming together with so many different ways of seeing and feeling the world. It was exciting and engaging. I was not feeling the need as much to have my own space, plus it was impossible anyway. During that time, I felt another “me” that I hadn’t experienced before. One that saw life through a bigger lens. My “room” got a whole lot larger. Then, I began to wonder who the hell I really was.

During my time in the dorms, I met my former wife, Jillian, and we became a community of two. We had friends, but it was our relationship that felt more like the room of my youth. Together we explored who we were in the great dance of Life itself. Not long afterward, our daughter made her way to us and community changed once again.

Suddenly, my “me” became a father. I had to became a provider. I stopped exploring and started working. The part of me that felt unsure about being a father, held on tightly to being responsible in the Western-style ethos. I was too tired from work and child raising to feel me anymore. I continued on the path of being a good provider that led me to a “solid” job an elementary school teacher.

As a teacher, you, by default, become a member of “the community”. The neighborhood, the families, the teachers, and students. You are trained to leave your Self at the door. It’s not about you, it’s about them. So for someone who had been not feeling himself for sometime, teaching young children was not going to get me there anytime soon. A good teacher is dedicated to their students. That is the mantra of the Good Teacher Brigade. You also go to concerts, sporting events, meetings, conferences, social events, recess duty, bus duty, field trips, and on and on. Who am I again?

During this time, I was no longer married and was living on my own with my daughter half the time. After a few years of teaching 24/7, I realized that I had ignored that part of me that I used to hang out with in the room of my youth. The care free, happy, creative part of me. I began to be with myself more and do things that I enjoyed like exercise, hiking, and playing guitar. And through that, I began to feel the depth of my unhappiness. I missed Me. The Me that could create a world from scratch. The Me that could stay up all night with a piece of paper and a pencil. The Me that saw beauty, love, and magic in all things. The Me that felt the Great Spirit and wondered about the Great Mystery. Where had I gone?

Enter SoulFullHeart. Jillian, my former wife, had been on a healing path for many years. She offered to help me with this question. It started as an exploration and has evolved into intimate community. Through my process I have been healing my way back to Me. There are a lot of layers, more than I ever imagined. To feel those, there has to be vulnerability or else they can’t move. And that is hard for someone so inclined to be alone. In essence, to be hidden. For a while, it is necessary. I wrote about it in a blog I wrote a couple of years ago. But then there is a graduation to another level of intimacy.

Beginning in March of this year I, along with Kathleen, moved to an RV campground with Jillian and Wayne. This was a new level of community, in that we began to share meals, exercise together, and generally spend more time together and in closer proximity. After coming to the decision to exodus to Mexico, I sold my RV and began to live with them in their camp site. My personal space had gone from a one-bedroom apartment, to an RV, to a tent in 4 months. For a part of me, that tent was my room from years gone by. He felt safe and comfortable just as he had when he was a child.

It is important for me to feel the needs of this part of me. Without doing so, he gets depressed and tense. The feeling is similar to having a hard time breathing. This certainly goes back to more than just this life. I haven’t gotten there yet but there is something soul-based about it. It is more important for me to feel it, than to figure it out right now. Especially, now.

Since we left Canada for Mexico, I have not had much of my own space. This is the most intimate I have been my whole life. We are currently living in a studio-type dwelling, which is more reminiscent of youth hostel than an apartment. We eat, sleep, change, read, write, cook, talk, process all within 750 square feet. We are waiting to get to our sanctuary on the ranch while the home we are staying in is completed, the roads get grated and the river water recedes. Though this is temporary, it is the perfect trigger to highlight my relationship to community and my Self. How do I feel the Me in the We?

I have to feel the needs of my parts alongside the needs of the group. There are times when I have to advocate for my space even if it means not being a part of something that I may be needed or desired to be a part of. That is hard to do when another part of me is a people pleaser. An internal conflict arises. But the more I advocate for that, the less I actually “need” it. There are also times when a part of me will need to be negotiated with because my community, my family, needs me. It won’t always be on its schedule, but I will always find the time. That is what it means to hold a part of you.

This experience has highlighted something that I have forgotten. While my community needs me, my parts need me as well. And sometimes my parts don’t want to be in community, and that’s okay. It actually get me back to Me. Remember? The one in the beginning of this blog. It gets me back to my roots. The reason I am here in the first place.

I am an artist. I want to create art. Art for me, art for others, art for the Divine, art for the earth. I am a healer. I want to heal myself and the earth, and I want to help others heal themselves. I want to use art to do that through SoulFullHeart retreats. That is the Me in the We. That is my heartsong in the choice. That is what I will continue to wake up for and be a part of in the way of life called SoulFullHeart.

Christopher is a SoulFullHeart and Healing Art Facilitator. 

Feeling My Way To Magical Me: My Exodus Journal-Entry Four



By Kathleen Calder

There haven’t been as many big events lately as there were prior to my last couple of journals…wait, how could I forget the re-launch of the SoulFullHeart website and all of the dreamings the four of us have been sharing? I guess my “forgetting” that points to something I need to digest in my writing today.

Something I’ve wondered about off and on since leaving for Mexico is if I am feeling a challenge inside me to letting it all in, and specifically letting in that my dreams are essentially coming true in many ways – though perhaps the part of that which is harder to digest for part(s) of me is that my dreams are coming true in a way that looks very different than from what I previously expected. Truth be told, there’s been a lot of entitlement for me to work through in my healing process. It has been an entitlement held mostly subconsciously by parts of me, to a soulmate, to my soul gifts and to a life of abundance, meaning, and beauty. I’ve also experienced an entitlement to having a fit looking body. All of these things are hard to come by without doing lots of work first. Yet for some reason I have had a hard time digesting that, or rather parts of me have.

I think this is an important piece for me to feel in this moment. I feel Mother offering to me that I just breathe and feel how this could apply to my present experience here in Mexico. It’s not that I haven’t come a long way with healing this dynamic inside me, but my life this life has been filled with drawing and resting in a dynamic with employers, parental figures, friends, etc. that keeps me in child/teenage-like energy and not fully embodying my power as a blossoming woman. During this current phase of my life, I feel myself rubbing up against this a little less, especially because the others in SoulFullHeart need and want me to be my authentic, sovereign, empowered, courageous, adult self. That doesn’t mean they don’t want my trailing edge to show up too, but they are always calling out and wanting the real me to be present and leading, while holding my trailing edge and wounded parts of me.

It’s a wanting that can’t be described, only experienced. It’s a calling that comes from the heart and an envelopment by hearts that truly love you…if you can imagine yourself being wrapped in a warm blanket by a softly crackling fire, then maybe you can get some sense of the way this love feels in your body and how my heart feels witnessing it daily. This is a feeling I continue to cultivate inside myself too, from me to me. This is what we call, “parts work”. This is where it’s at. I’ve struck gold and I know I need to have more moments of really letting that in…and really humbly appreciating how much work I’ve done to get here and yet how much work I must continue doing to keep this love alive and flowing.

I know that some of my next steps coming up involve leaning into the love I am and the love I have even more as we transition to living full-time at Rancho Amigos. This will be the most immersed I have ever been in a life of homesteading and also, if all goes well and we draw people to serve, of offering service and healing to others. I suppose it’s the letting in of just how big a crucible this will be and is for me creating hesitation inside me.

I feel some layers of needing to feel a deeper existential trust in the Divine and Life, but also in Mother specifically…and ultimately in myself, too. Maybe that’s the bigger, bigger piece here. I’ve been feeling that it has to do mostly with trusting what I can’t control outside of me, but what about trusting the unknown, still arising and mysterious, magical me?

For my Daemon, Lex, I can feel how this may be the bigger piece to feel with her going forward. This new life chapter deserves nothing less than the fullest me present. After all, I am committing to my SoulFullHeart community, those who I may be serving, and also the Earth itself. Wow… I guess now is as good a time as any to deepen my relationship to Mother. That thought alone opens up many other possibilities of where life could lead me. That feels sweet in the moment. And even sweeter that I am realizing this in real time, as I write this journal for today. I haven’t taken much time to write or journal lately. Could be that part(s) of me weren’t ready for me to start feeling this in this way. Starting to let this in lets in a whole other flow and a new set of ripe desires, dreams and alchemy. My life and dreams could really happen now…woah!

That feels like a good place to end this – my ongoing, ever opening-out, unveiling of a me I have yet to really get to know. A me that perhaps has waited for many lives to really pop out of the womb.

I encourage you to go to soulfullheart.com if you haven’t already, so you can feel for yourself what it is we have baking and what it is our mutual dreams and desires are aiming to open-out in the new year.

Kathleen Calder is a SoulFullHeart facilitator, SoulFullHeart retreats volunteer coordinator, and has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since January, 2012.

A volunteer program that supports you to explore who you really are


By Kathleen Calder

In my experience working for other people, no matter what the task was, there was always a sort of madness underpinning my job/tasks at hand. This madness included feeling a whole range of reactions to what I was doing, who I was interacting with, and the energy of those who were around me, whether they were coworkers, customers, or bosses. I had no space to really feel or even begin to digest these reactions happening within various parts of me.

Once I started healing through SoulFullHeart, I began to become more conscious of these reactions and I was able to start feeling the roots of them. The thing is, as soon as we enter the workforce we tend to learn different ways to simply survive in it, let alone hold it as an opportunity to feel and heal. Different parts of us tend to form in order to get through work and unfortunately, this idea of having to “get through” it instead of inhabiting and enjoying it is a common issue. It is rare that a boss, coworker, friend or family member would be able to offer us the space to really explore who we are at the job and encourage us to feel what we feel, all the while offering us space to feel it with them.

I know from my personal experience with different jobs and even short volunteer stints that for me this has often led to part of me feeling a sort of inferiority and a fear that if I can’t essentially “shut up and show up” then I will be let go, become destitute, and also suffer a huge blow to my ego and self-image (something that was already fragile in me and I feel this is the case with most other people I have met too).

The SoulFullHeart volunteer experience is meant to offer you as deep of healing as you can show up for. This is what we feel to be far more important than digging a bed for vegetables or helping us finish a building project of some kind. I feel in my heart a desire to help facilitate you through whatever it is that you are feeling, in whatever moment you are feeling it. This is something you haven’t perhaps been offered before by an employer or previous volunteer coordinator.

Yes, we still have projects to start and finish and everything in between, but the major missing piece in our industrial society is the room to feel exactly how you feel, as you are feeling it. Even if that means you aren’t up to working as hard as maybe your work ethic or self-image would like you to. I feel how much more of a gift it is to me that you and I can authentically connect in a heart-open way, than to simply work alongside you with our hands in the dirt (though that promises to be fulfilling in its own way too).

With a desire to serve you and see you for who you really are, I look forward to any future conversations we may have about next steps and whether or not this adventure is really the right one for you at this time. Contact at me at soulfullhearts@gmail.com and check out the volunteer page on our website and our application form.

With love and an open heart,

Kathleen Calder, SoulFullHeart Facilitator and Volunteer Coordinator

Letting Go Of Cultural Assumptions : Mission To Me Journal With Wayne and Yeshua


By Wayne Vriend

Wayne – Whoa, Yeshua. Can’t guess where to begin just now. So much changing…Are you up for dialogue?

Yeshua – You know me, I miss interaction of heart and feeling. Nothing satisfies like it.

W – I know. I’ve always hungered for that my whole life it seems. What is it that makes way for that and what is it that shuts that down between people?

Y – It has so much to do with your assumptions about life, how you deeply and especially subconsciously feel about your life, your relationships to everything, the planet, others, divinity.

W – Somehow, though knowing you, I don’t think you have a ‘change your belief system’ prescription answer to this though.

Y – That has been a popular prescription, but it is now being realized that this is such an outside-in approach, trying to deal with the unwanted symptoms of the much deeper held felt reality of someone’s life. When something is truly addressed and moved on this deep heart level, there isn’t any need for belief system adjustments to tidy up the mess.

W – This whole realm feels so alive for me personally right now as we’ve just left Canada permanently, embraced Mexico, and are being introduced to a brand new, to us at least, culture. Then, on top of that, preparing to live even more remotely and deeply off the grids of western civilization at the ranch.

Y – That will wake you up for sure.

W – It so does. It wakes up a lot of stuff. Desire, passion, joy, for sure, but that’s not all. I’ve also felt some pretty deep fear places that I didn’t know were still there to the level they were.

Y – Which brings us to one of humanity’s biggest and longest surviving assumptions about life itself……

W – Here comes the heart and soul interaction, please go on, seatbelt’s fastened.

Y – One the single largest and lasting false assumptions about life is that fear is an enemy. Fear is not an enemy, but a very natural part of life. People don’t go crazy because of their fears, but because of their resistance to feeling their fears. Being human is being in fluent contact with whatever fears come up. Most people structure everything about their lives to spare them this sovereign responsibility. Keeping life the same as much as possible, (which is such a rinky-dink achievement at best; because life itself will always undermine the best of these change-less fortresses) is an attempt literally against your true human and divine nature.

W – I know I could use some more kindergarten around this one because I surprised myself lately with what fears are still lurking, and don’t feel very far away from me even right now.

Y – That’s nice and humble of you to make the beginner kindergarten reference, but really that’s another thing rooted in the fear picture.

W – I was feeling that as I said it.

Y – Well, what was the fearful part of you trying to cover over?

W – Fearing not being seen as relevant and relatable.

Y – Being real is the very definition of being relatable. Hiding a fear is the very essence of withdrawing yourself from the human experience. Can you tell me the texture of this fear of not being relatable?

W – The texture is something like being estranged or excluded from a source of love, which then manifests in a shrinking-to-fit the people I’m relating to.

Y – Being more than or less than you truly are, are both equally an expression of an unfelt fear. And this unfelt fear that is disowned and unacknowledged in this way, goes on to remove the heart and soul from your sacred grounding in your real sacred human experience and sovereign territory.

W – Which gets us back to the assumptions you were talking about.

Y – How so…teacher?

W – When I’ve subscribed to the lie that a successful or meaningful or powerful life is about having less fear or anxiety, I structure everything in my life, my relationships, my spiritual, emotional, and physical health right down to the very cells in my body in an attempt to live inside of this assumption about life…..which given enough time, only eventually proves the falseness and uselessness of the assumption.

Y – Which ties into what?

W – Which ties into that one of our deepest soul fears is being in life without a clutching grasp on what reality is, what really matters…why I’m here and all of that…along with what really is ‘here’ for that matter. Honestly, I don’t know. Admitting that I don’t know enters me into true learning which isn’t about decoding the universe, but rather being caught up continuously in its unfolding wonder. Observer vs. knower and all of that good stuff.

Y – And what about all of the God shit religious people peddle……what’s that about?

W – When I feel into the god shit I peddled to myself and others, It’s really about our collective need to feel secure in having others living like we are, which is the very essence of culture, and cults for that matter.

Y – Which brings you back to what?

W – Well, if hiding from fear is a common to man assumption, albeit a hindering one, in this phase of our consciousness, it brings me back to a shared common denominator that I share with all men. None of us are excluded. We are all learning a similar lesson.

Y – But…what?

W – But, even in this common denominator, we are not the same. Each of us is at different places in this journey.

Y – Where are you at in this journey…I mean as near as you can tell?

W – Well, I’ve been doing a lot of letting go of my acquired cults and culture for a long time now it seems, courageously moving on from one life cycle to the next when it no longer felt like me. I just let go of another few big ones, with leaving my country, oh, and my livelihood career security blanket of the past 30 years.

Y – I’d say that’s a whole lot different than where the majority of humanity is at.

W – Yes, that is.

Y – Well then, fuck that kindergarten shit, man!

W – Thank you.

Y – Good answer! :) Thank you!

In this blog series, Mission To Me Journal, Wayne Vriend shares his unedited and vulnerable journal conversations with Yeshua, who he experiences as an ascended teacher energy available to everyone.These blogs offer Wayne’s process and digestions with Yeshua as he undergoes internal and external process moving to Mexico to be in an eco-conscious community. Read 90 Days With Yeshua: Modern Message From An Ascended Teacher and Ending The Money Madness With Wayne And Yeshua for more conversations between Wayne and Yeshua.

Where Dreams Go To Bloom: Offering SoulFullHeart Retreats In Mexico

ranchoamigopicture2 By Jillian Vriend

The horse shifted its weight back and forth, seeking a solid footing amongst the slippery rocks. The current of the river coursed around the horse’s body. The water level reached its belly in the deepest spots. I was riding on top, clinching with tightened thigh muscles and hands gripped around the saddle horn. I shifted my body with the horse’s body, surrendering to the awkward movement of the animal that was making it possible for me to cross the surging water.

A few minutes later, after arriving safely on the shore and dismounting from the horse, I felt strangely renewed and rejuvinated. Water as a cleansing medium; the surrender as a means to let it in. And, I was feeling elated because we had finally reached after an up and down journey to get there what we had felt strongly for months was going to be our new home. Rancho Amigos. After walking the easy kilometer the rest of the way to the ranch, we were all chatting excitedly and felt the momentuem of being there. We were visiting the ranch during the worst time of the year: months of heavy rainstorms had left the dirt road to the ranch in pretty bad shape with deep ruts and loose sand. The river was at a point high enough to require horses to cross it. After the rainy season, the river was expected to recede enough to drive a car or truck across it and the road was due for maintenance very soon which would make it much easier driving.

Instead of feeling daunted by this, it felt right to us that the journey to sanctuary should be a bit challenging, should push up an edge, should invite us into surrender. The afternoon passed quickly as we toured the ranch, helped one of the future residents pick out tile for her house, and dreamt. We dreamt of group circles and exercise classes under the large palapa with the circular fountain around it. We dreamt of our future organic garden and sharing the space with others to learn, grow, and teach with us. We dreamt of sharing community meals during group retreats and making tortillas from scratch and cooking them on top of the wood stove. We dreamt of couples resparking and reuniting their bond while they shared a hammock together and watched the sunset over the rolling hills. Or played together in the river. Or rode horseback together. We dreamt of energy healing sessions surrounded by the cleansing energy of no electromagnetic waves and natural spring water. We dreamt of bodies becoming healthier by eating organic fruit picked right off the trees: noni, banana, papaya, mango, lemons, lime (some of which we ate that very day) and vegetables grown from the land.

Our dreams rolled out and found traction very quickly. I spent a few days redesigning the website and the words to describe what we want to offer and serve to others have never come so easy. I kept feeling like the ranch itself wants us to host and to serve; like it wants to be the setting for transformation and healing.

Starting in February 2015, we invite you to join us in this special and catalytic place called Rancho Amigos and to immerse in the way of life that we call SoulFullHeart. We have different ways for you to do that, so please read more about our group retreats, individual and couples immersion journeys, and volunteer program on our website. I promise that if you lead with your dreams and courage, we will respond in with ours. And so will the ranch.

Jillian Vriend is co-creator of SoulFullHeart, parts work facilitator, author of a  book about connecting with the Divine Mother and on this blog, and sacred humanity-Divine Feminine teacher.

‘Habla Espanol?’ Conversation With Divine Mother About Learning: My Exodus Journal-Entry Three



By Kathleen Calder

Today I am sharing a conversation I had with the Divine Mother yesterday. I’ve been feeling part of me holding frustration around lack of knowledge during this phase of huge change and transition. It has felt like a battle inside me to find a way to know what I can’t right now, but also a way to grab at power. It feels like another skin I’m shedding of my western-conditioning that “knowledge is power” and also an attempt to save face during a time when so much of my old self-image needs to fall away. That’s actually the gift I can feel in needing to learn a new language…when you don’t have the words to convince others of who you are, or think you are, then all you are left with is your energy and heart-response. All of us in SoulFullHeart have noticed this type of communication transacting between us and the Mexicans we have interacted with so far. I feel both the gift and the stress of this and that is what’s real.

I feel the same thing when it comes to this idea of homesteading and finding our way in a fairly remote ecovillage. If I can continue finding my humility around learning, I will find my joy even in the trial-and-error gardening we are about to embark on. My desire is to start feeling less self-punishment around making mistakes and also to surrender even deeper to the lessons the Earth itself wants to teach me. Something my soul remembers doing once upon a time, but I have forgotten about in my upbringing in western culture.

Kathleen: Mother, it feels like any “know-it-all”-ness from me lately is based in being afraid to surrender to not knowing…and risking feeling “stupid” or “behind where I should be”. I can’t help but feel tension around it…and especially around not being able to communicate…and hardly feeling the energy to try to show up even for trying anymore. I feel Lex (my Daemon) very up around this.

Divine Mother: I’m glad you are bringing this to me, Kathleen. It feels like an extension of our previous conversation.

K: Yes, totally. Is there a deeper piece to uncover, here? I’d much rather feel the joy of learning than all this tension…

DM: My dearest…in childhood, do you remember what learning felt like?

K: …It felt like having to go through feeling stupid and embarrassed first. Ridicule. Heated arguments and debates.

DM: Yes, unfortunately there is so much ego held by “teachers” and parental figures. Yet the way to ease your own charge about being in what is basically an infant-like learning stage again does not come from holding false humility and pretending you are void of all knowledge. It is your relationship to learning and the holding of knowledge now that is being burned away, day by day. If you can start to feel the vulnerability of learning and the pain you or part of you is defending around it, as you have begun to now, you will find your way to healing your reasons for holding that charge you feel.

K: I can almost picture the walls put up around my real vulnerability in this. I feel part of the gift of finding that vulnerability is finding what my real needs are. Like, for instance, admitting when I don’t quite understand what a native Spanish speaker is saying to me and asking them to speak slower if they can so I can practice and learn…

DM: Yes! See, what you are getting to now is what the real learning is. That will open up more doors for you than simply learning more Spanish in the process. It is a process, like anything else! Lex is welcome to come forward if she would like to talk more about what she holds around this. Perhaps for another day? (…I do welcome you to publish this conversation if you feel ready to).

K: Ah…yes, I was considering that, since there is definitely a piece in here that feels universal, especially during this time of collapse and human evolution. Feels like we can’t let in any evolution unless we are willing to become humble students and not “masters” of our world…

DM: Well said, my daughter! So young and yet with such a powerful soul-memory…I know sometimes it is hard that others cannot see this about you at times. But true power and wisdom need not be demonstrated outwardly so much as held inwardly.

K: Something I feel the others in SoulFullHeart do very well. Jillian especially, as a woman, amazes me with her lack of outbound power-grabbing and over-demonstration of power. That makes her the most powerful-feeling woman I’ve ever met.

DM: Watch that you do not render yourself powerless even though I do welcome your humility in looking to her for templating. She needs you to teach her at times too and there is so much you yourself are powerfully showing up for without even realizing it fully or at all. That, to me, is the essence of a truly powerful woman.

K: Okay, I need to work on letting that in now…

Thank you for seeing me Mother, though others (or I) may not.

DM: Always, Kathleen. Always. :)

Kathleen Calder has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since January, 2012.

Romance As A Reflection Of Self Worth


By Christopher Tydeman

Romance has always been triggering for a part of me. I wasn’t really raised with a template of a healthy romantic relationship. One that included both sides of passion. On one side, the random acts such as notes put in a hiding place to be found later or the hot passionate kiss in the middle of crowded street without care for the peering eyes upon you. Or the other side, which includes the loud clash of conflict that is still held in respect and not reduced to energetic violence. The place where there is a vulnerable and heartfelt, “I am sorry.”

In my personal experience, my template was a withhold of need, a projection of resentment, and an eventual eruption of anger with barbed-wired shrapnel. The sweet moments were few and far between, and even those consisted of half-baked sentiment with an obligatory stale crust. Were there moments of genuine love? Yes, absolutely. More than I count on my fingers and toes. But certainly not enough to show a young man what real love is all about.

So, am I screwed? Never to feel authentic desire, lust, and passion? Of course not. I am not a victim to my experience, I am informed by it. A part of me could easily close up heart-shop by blaming it on my conditioning, and never allow love to enter its fortified walls. It’s what part of me learned by my father as the ideal way to relate to love. However, even he hasn’t done that. He, too, desires a life surrounded by love. He can’t help himself because it is the ultimate human need above our survival needs. This part of him, and now a part of me, can protest all they want, but it is not our nature to resist love in absolution.

My templating gives me a starting point from which to launch. I don’t press off of it like a swimmer does off the side of a pool. I go into it. I feel it. I ache with it. I cry with it. Then something new emerges. Desire. Risk. Energy. Passion. Something different than before. Something unlike a part of me could ever imagine as being possible. I am honestly not writing from that place in the moment, but I can sense it. I sense it because it is in me. It is me. I would have not known that unless I had someone else to reflect that to me.

For the last two years I have been in relationship with such a person. A beautiful woman I never saw coming. A woman who could see a “me” I hadn’t been able to see myself. Now that I say that, I feel my romantic history has been such a dynamic. There is this reflection of bigness, of courage, and of strength. That picture, as desirable as it is, gets intercepted by my unworthiness and is flat-lined. Not to be resuscitated for fear of rejection and pain. ‘The higher you climb the harder it is to fall’. That is the mantra of self-protection.

This is the trigger I referred to at the beginning. But it is more than just the reflection of my bigness that frightens a part of me, it is that someone else actually cares enough to fight for it. That I AM worthy of the kind of love that is more than I ever believed is possible. A part of me is used to a healthier version of the type of love I grew up with, but is uncertain, even confused, about this ground of sacred love. Authentic love. Transactable, palpable, relational, passionate love. Lots of wounding that needs healing. Lots of conditioning that needs re-experiencing.

So what about this woman? After a few incarnations and explorations, it has come clear that Kathleen and I may not be mates in the way we thought we could be. She has passion that yearns to be matched and seen by another. I have a passion that yearns to be discovered by me, in me, and through me. It is possible that romance is not meant for me now. Maybe the romance is in me first. But I could not have come to that if it wasn’t for her. Her passion, her love, her desire for her own self-worth. She may very well be a soul mate, just not in the way I have thought of ‘soul mate’ in a romantic context.

We have been through much, Kathleen and I. My love for her remains as tender as the first time we hugged. That is what is real. That is what cannot die no matter the circumstance. We will continue to be what we have signed up to be for each other this life, for however long that is. She is a big reason I will heal towards self-worth and maybe even sacred romance. It is because of her I will know true love, both for myself and from another.

Christopher Tydeman has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since August, 2010. He is a SoulFullHeart facilitator-in-training, author on this blog, and he hosted the SoulFullHeart Experience Radio Show