Everything Changes: Dialogues With Divine Father Day Twelve

Wayne's Mandala

 

W: Happy Solstice Day Father.

DF: Thank you Wayne. It’s good to feel the cycles of life, and the changes they bring.

W: Father, I wasn’t raised pagan this life to know much about that really. Even the term Solstice is more recent in my vocabulary. I just looked it up in the dictionary and it says it’s the term for the longest and shortest days of the year, and the literal meaning is about ‘sol’ for sun and ‘stice’ for stopped. So I could use some help here if you have any.

DF: While you may have chosen to veil off your awareness in this life up till recently about these things, It feels like you were wide open to these realities in other lives Wayne. Does that feel real to you?

W: Yes, I can feel a deeper wisdom around it, coming from somewhere.

DF: That’s all that matters. Let’s see if we can tune that in together.

W: I like that Father, you’re so easy going.

DF: What do you mean?

W: I think you know, you’re not all ‘here’s the way it is!’ about stuff.

DF: I am proud of a couple things I claim to know, and one of them is that when I claim to know something in full, I find out fast, that I don’t. So, yeah, I’ve learned to take things a whole lot easier.

W: Because truth is not an absolute, fixed thing is it?

DF: Far from it, truth is busy seeking truth, and when it finds it, it holds it lightly, because it morphs again.

W: Wow, those would be fighting words for the Christian heavenly father.

DF: They’d be fighting words for the people who hold the idea of the Christian Heavenly Father.

W: I take it you don’t hold him as a reality that actually exists.

DF: Well, Wayne, I don’t hold him or myself for that matter, as any kind of spiritual physical scientific reality, in the way that humans tend to think of ‘god.’

W: How then do you see yourself?

DF: I see myself through your eyes. I am who you see me as. You create me through your perception of me. This is true for me as well as heavenly father. I am the creation of your divinity projected out onto the canvas of the sacred masculine. Any dad wounds, and dad desires from this life or past get hung up in the projector.

W: That feels somehow that you are less real to some conditioning in me, when you claim what feels like a lesser reality. It’s disappointing somehow, father.

DF: Wayne, I get the feeling of the mourning of letting go of a ‘real’ god, but if this guy actually exists, and he’s a he, and he happens to know everything, waiting around till the rest of us get it, and he can’t help but be judgmental when you know everything, and because he’s god, well then he must be the embodiment of love too, it just ends up all fucked up, Wayne. Royally fucked up. God is fucked up big time Wayne.

W: When you say that Father, I still flinch some because I imagine a person or two from my past reading this, and I’d so love it if they weren’t feeling like you were the devil speaking just now, so that they might be able to take this in on some level, and join me in the discovery and path I’ve chosen.

DF: I know, Wayne. I’m sorry for you, Man. But if I prissied myself up, all proper, I’d be like that boy sitting in church we talked about yesterday, bored as hell, hearing about heaven, and just wanting to get out of those clothes and go out and PLAY. I reserve the right to be challenging and a shit disturber. I hope that isn’t my identity, but I do reserve the right.

W: Well, that feels like a really good template for the sacred masculine. Somewhere in there is going to come the need to be challenging and a shit disturber. We still have plenty of shit that needs disturbing. I just hope there are souls that can feel the love in the disturbance.

DF: Here’s getting back to the solstice Wayne. The universe moves in cycles. Challenging disturbances are one of the cycles, settling into new growth and times of rest are other cycles. Some cycles are annual like the sun’s movements, but soul movements can be several lifetimes in their seasons. It feels like you had several lifetimes holding the picture of the Christian God, and even in that there was much cycle and change for you, and growth.

W: Nothing feels static in the universe does it, Father?

DF: In fact, there is so much movement and change going on at all times, that people do shit to make it seem like there isn’t movement. The popular God is one of those deals, creating a god who never changes. All of that is born out of the fear of change.

W: Why is it that we are so resistant to change, Father?

DF: That’s got to be the best question I’ve ever heard, and you know, I still find myself asking it.

W: What answers have you gotten so far?

DF: So far, and please don’t quote me on any of this, because that seems to enshrine the answer and stifle the quest, just like the ‘Can’onization of the Bible. It’s canned truth. You can get that anywhere. Homegrown and fresh out of the garden is much closer to what I feel is real. To your questing question, what I’ve gotten so far is that change is so fundamentally interwoven in the fabric of the universe, and that being a part of the changing universe, as a changing being in the midst of all being, is frightening. To be calls upon trust. To be is to have needs and fears, and only trust can fall back into the arms and womb of a benevolent universe. We all come up with attempts to slow down or resist change with schemes that have the look and feel of something that doesn’t change, break down, or rust, or fall apart.

W: The last 10 years have felt like so much change, it feels like I’m often times trying to adjust to recent changes, rather than feeling the change that is under my feet in the moment, and resting in it. I’d like to become more ‘in the moment’ feeling of change, somehow, Father.

DF: Trying to catch up with a change is often only needed because it wasn’t being felt adequately as it was happening. Part of you was in resistance to feeling change, and then when it came, there was an element of surprise and need to digest it later, which is really an indigestion. Being fully open to a changing universe is feeling that everything is changing all the time. Then there’s not the same need to catch up. There can still be sorrow of what was lost, but that’s a current feeling of letting go rather than a resistance.

W: In the moment digestion of change, I like that Father. You come up with the coolest shit, man.

DF: It’s just my job, man. What’s a god gotta do, you know. Gotta earn my keep and all that.

W: Sure you weren’t a black rapper in a past life?

DF: This was the way it is,… when you look forward and back,… you come to realize,… that you recognize,… and you apologize… for saying no to bein’ changed, that you end up deranged…..uh, huh.

Maybe I was, Wayne. Maybe I was. How was that?

W: I thought it was great.

DF: Thank you.

W: Thank you again Divine Father.

DF: Isn’t real conversation awesome. Just get real and open your mouth.

W: Sounds like something good for tomorrow.

DF: Okay, I’ll hold off till then.

W: Till then, Father.

 

Wayne Vriend is a healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

It Starts At A Jelly Donut: Dialogues With Divine Father Day Eleven

Wayne's Mandala

 

W: Hello Father. It’s a totally quiet Saturday afternoon here at the ranch; so peaceful in fact, I hope I can muster a connection with you.

DF: Hello Wayne. I like peaceful. I think we’ll muster a connection just fine.

W: Great, because I’m still wondering where to go with you today.

DF:   Let’s just be in the quiet together and see what comes to you or me and let’s feel into that together.

W: There’s a sweet and gentle breeze, all kinds of bird song, an apple flavored piece of hard candy in my mouth, and I feel a desire arising to connect with you Father. Hope that wasn’t too wordy for the meditative space you were suggesting.

DF: Connecting is so much easier than people make it out to be Wayne. It’s rare, but not actually difficult.

W: ‘Rare, but not difficult…’ Sounds intriguing…

DF: Well, you are starting out with an intention because you set out to connect with me for these dialogues. Intention is a great starting place. The reason for the intention is not so important, unless of course, it’s a pretentious reason, which means the connection will be mixed with a bunch of pretense, but even in that, there can be some connection. But beyond pretense, any reason to support an intention works. Desire, needs and wants are all especially good.

W: But why is connecting so rare though? What gets in the way of desire leading our Intention?

DF: Relationality has so much to do with Intention. A connection is something that is maintained by purpose, choice and desire. Without those things, coming from the heart, it withers in neglect and dies. But more to your question, Wayne, what gets in the way of intention is feelings of not being worthy to have the relationship, or oftentimes, for many people, it’s about not wanting to get close because they perceive the divine as punitive. So many barriers have been placed in people’s perceptions of God that they don’t really see a connection as something they’d actually want, even if they didn’t have the worthiness conundrum around it.

W: When I open my heart and my mind to our connection right now, I feel support and love for me. I also feel some feelings of needs and desires for something that I can’t quite put my finger on, something that I would usually go and satisfy with a sweet food, or a productive activity, or vegging out on line, or in a book. In that, I can feel that parts of me still has anxieties, desires, needs as I am doing life, and then I can feel a divine care and love for me in those needs as well.

DF: That’s interesting Wayne, because many people have thought that connecting with me is about quieting the mind from what they consider distractive noise. But if what your mind is on is a jelly donut, then that is where you are at. Those are not feelings to be transcended in order to ‘get to’ our connection, but those feelings are doorways to our connection. How did anyone ever think they could start from any other place than where they are at? It wouldn’t be them whose doing the connecting, but rather some idealized pretzel the person gets themselves into in hope for a connection.

W: Well, thank you for that Father, because even as we are talking, I’m judging, or part of me is judging that I’m not doing a very good job of connecting with you right now.

DF: And thank you for admitting that Wayne, because being real and transparent is what a connection is about, especially when you have self conscious feelings running, or judgments. The deal is Wayne is that you and I are already inseparably and fully connected, what we are talking about when we speak of connecting is letting in an experience of that connection that colors our feelings in the moment, that addresses a need, that fills the heart.

W: Beginning where we are at…, even as I felt a bit flat coming into this conversation, a bit unsure of how interesting I’d be, a bit tired from working till mid afternoon, all of that was part of where I’m at.

DF: Okay, so I said that it begins with intention…scratch that for now. It really begins with where you’re at, like you are saying, because you can’t start from any other place. Intention can only be grounded in where you are at in the moment. See, I’m not so sure I’m making sense right now either. So join the club. You know Wayne, If I could speak so eloquently and authoritatively and convincingly about what makes for divine connection, we’d just draw the latest group of souls ready to embark on a new religion, and god knows what that does. It hasn’t ever produced real and raw and heartfelt experience of the divine.

W: I love this feeling Father, that ‘thee’ designated starting place is so simply where someone is at, because everyone is ‘at’ somewhere.

DF: And wherever they are at is a sacred life experience, even if it is one of say, boredom.

W: I always hated boredom big time Father.

DF: I know, so let’s go there then. Boredom is you having a human experience involving you being ‘at’ somewhere and having needs and desires involved in where you are ‘at.’ Boredom we could call a disconnect kind of experience, but you wouldn’t be having it unless you were an alive human, which is all sacred, so let’s don’t degrade boredom as an unspiritual experience.

W: Is this why I was always bored to death in Church as a kid?

DF: Well, It’s part of it. Let’s take this trail of thought and feeling and see where it takes us. People came up with the idea of dressing up children in fine clothes, sitting them down on benches and telling them it’s godly to pretend they are having a good time and to ‘behave’ themselves. Somehow they were supposed to be anything but bored, they were supposed to be keenly interested and excited and happy to be hearing a sermon. If only a kid could yell on the top of his lungs, drowning out the preacher ‘I’m bored as hell with all your bullshit preaching on heaven.’ That would change the mood in there wouldn’t it?

W: My god, wouldn’t it?

DF: That restless kid is having a very sacred and divine experience, right where he is at.

W: You’re talking about me Father aren’t you? I sat in church twice every Sunday from a week old on up.

DF: Yes, I’m talking about you. You sat in church with your culture trying to constrain you into a reverence for something, when the reverential thing was actually you – bored to tears, no less.

W: Feeling utterly disconnected.

DF: When in truth, you’re bored feelings were the direct result of you being an expression of the divine, with needs to run and play in abandon and fun…

W: What I’m feeling as you say that Father is how when I’m feeling bored or disconnected, even to this day, is that I have some ‘should’ voice running of how I should be different somehow from where I am actually at in the moment. Then in that, I disqualify myself from our connection until I somehow break out of that trance.

DF: Boredom and disconnect are great starting places to connect with the divine. Way more real and effective than the spiritual calisthenics people pretzel themselves through. Underneath boredom, you always find suppressed desire.

W: Okay, so tomorrow, if I’m bored when it’s time for our dialogue, I’m going to see if I could start there.

DF: See that, real spiritual growth Wayne.

W: Crazy simple.

DF: And way funner.

W: Thank you Divine Father for meeting me where I’m at today.

DF: Any time, Wayne. Any time at all.

 

Wayne Vriend is a healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

Living Into A New Way Of Life: Dialogues With Divine Father Day Ten

Wayne's Mandala

 

W: Help Father, I need your help.

DF: Sure thing Wayne, I’m here.

W: Well, it’s maybe not as urgent as I make it sound, but it is important and I do need help.

DF: What’s up?

W: Today, after a morning of cobbing, I was feeling a restless angst inside and had to feel into what it was. It didn’t take long to feel it as Tristan, the part of me who has held my contractor role in life, and who’s busy adjusting to such a simpler life, not earning money, in a new country and culture. I felt Tristan looking to you for guidance on how to be with the pain of letting go, as well as how to be with the restless feelings.

DF: Wow, Wayne, I’m glad you can feel what’s going on inside, instead of reaching for some medication to dull or mask the feelings, and then I’m glad you have Tristan, a part of you that you can honor for all that he has held, and can feel his growing pains, or maybe we should call them changing pains.

W: Thank you, Father. He’s mostly feeling wanting to learn how to be in this new way of life. He’d like to learn to be okay with our rustic lifestyle and especially our simple cobb construction, when for all of his life, he found new and improved ways of doing things that involved higher knowledge and better equipment and tools. It was a whole way of life, that provided a sense of worth and identity around that. Now that that’s eroding, and thawing out, and there is pain to be felt as the layers erode.

DF: What are the pains?

W: Well, instead of trying to describe them, I’ll just ask Tristan, who I think is up for speaking for himself.

Tristan: Hello Father.

DF: Hello Tristan, thanks for being up for talking. Can you say what the pains are?

T: Well, father, it’s about not having what used to make me feel good about myself.

DF: What was it that made you feel good about yourself?

T: For me, it was about pleasing people for sure, finding a need and meeting that need. Then it was about efficiency and learning better ways of meeting those needs and then I also got off on making ever increasing and often crazy amounts of money for it all.

DF: And most of that is gone now?

T: You mean the money?

DF: The money and all the goodies you just described…

T: Well, yes, the money is mostly gone now. We have about a years worth of really simple living if we watch it carefully. But the ability to go and find new jobs and earn a whack of money and buy new tools and all of that is over. It was such a big deal in Wayne’s life and it capped off other desires and callings in Wayne’s life I’m afraid too.

DF: How do you feel about that part, the capping you mention?

T: Well, sorry, I start with ‘well’ a lot don’t I? Well, I feel sorry. It took all the space or most of the space, and if Wayne hadn’t chosen this big life change, I’m afraid I’d still be taking a whole bunch too much space.

DF: I like the space you are taking now Tristan, talking to me, talking to Wayne, feeling the thaw of the layers of the old you letting go. I’m sorry that you feel you took too much space. My sense is that you were the best thing Wayne had going for a long time, you were needed, it couldn’t really have been any other way, and now, you are sensitive to, and living into the change. What deep regret is there in that?

T: Maybe the only regret is father is that I don’t feel as good about myself as much as I’d like to. I mean, I’d like to be okay with how our days have so much space and choice. There isn’t any more of ‘having to go to work.’ And sometimes that’s hard for me. Work made me feel good about myself.

DF: It’s so natural Tristan that you are having withdrawal feelings. If you can feel them like you are, then they aren’t cumbersome, or dark, they just are the sweet process of you feeling yourself, and being felt by Wayne, as well as me anytime you’d like.

T: That works for me, Father.

DF: Tristan, let me tell you, if you are willing to ride this process out and be with the feelings that come up, I can assure you that there is plenty of good feelings to be had about yourself. The difference is that they won’t be hiding any bad feelings about your self. You will do what you enjoy to do, simply for the fun of it, not to overcome any feelings about yourself that you don’t like.

T: I’d really like to be in that Father.

DF: Well, see that Tristan, I like starting out with ‘well’ too. Well, as I was saying, then so you shall, Tristan, so you shall. Some things in life just need time to live into the new way. It doesn’t take forever, but it does take some time to undo a deeply entrenched way of living, and make room for the arising new one. I’d say you’re right on track.

T: Thank you again Father.

DF: You’re so welcome, Tristan.

Wayne: Thank you, Father.

DF: You’re welcome, Wayne.

W: Father, I hope people can feel how I am with my parts and not write it off as some imagined thing, some therapeutic method.

DF: I hope they don’t either, because then that puts me out of the picture pretty much too. If people are not able to see and feel a larger context to life, a larger reality than the prevailing one, the safe one, then they are pretty much destined to live in the old one till that changes.

W: If it ever changes…

DF: Oh, it will change, eventually. You can be sure of that. The most difficult change though is being an early adopter of a new emerging story of life in the way that you are with your parts Wayne. There is many though who are ready and able to feel it through you, and are drawn to it, and are ready to embrace it as their truth as well.

W: What do I need to do to connect with them?

DF: Just keep living what you are living. Being this way is what etches it into the grids and makes it possible for others to find it in the soularium. This doesn’t need any of the old marketing energy to find it’s groove.

W: Thank you Father for helping me feel my way through a big piece today. I feel a bunch lighter.

DF: I’m glad you did. If you didn’t have issues Wayne, we wouldn’t have connected. Maybe one day, I’ll bring up my issues.

W: You’ve got issues too. Cool. Makes me feel better.

DF: I’m serious Wayne. I’m sure they will come up as we go keep on. Where did people get the idea that god wouldn’t have issues?

W: I suspect that it came from people trying to hide their issues, so they made a god who happened to be free of issues.

DF: Exactly.

W: Thanks again Father,

DF: You’re welcome, Wayne.

 

Wayne Vriend is a healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

Forever Changed: Dialogues With Divine Father Day Nine

Wayne's Mandala

 

W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hello Wayne.

W: I didn’t have any sense come to me yet for where I wanted to go with you today, but I just wanted to connect and see what comes.

DF: Works for me, Wayne…

W: It’s great when a need is up and a desire is moving through me as a place to connect, but I’d like to feel I can connect with you any old time, like I don’t need to be primed or anything. In that, I hope others reading will feel how they can act on their own connection with you, right from where they’re at.

DF: Yes, there’s no secret formula, or special enlightenment attainment for someone to brag about. If there is anything that resembles a qualification around connecting with me, it’s no different than what makes for connecting with anyone else. Any relationship connection happens by desire and need, willingness to ask for what you want, or to share what you appreciate. That’s pretty much it.

Oh, maybe I’d add to that, ‘get real’ of course. How did people ever get convinced that masking their true feelings would make for a connection? That is the garden variety stuff of disconnection that we see so prevalent in relationships today.

W: I think the ‘get real’ qualification might come first, Father.

DF: Yeah, you’re right Wayne, because if you can’t feel a need or desire, or an appreciation to get started with, and instead, you are feeling flat, or hostile, all you can start with is the truth. Starting with the truth, something like “I’m not sure I like you and this is why,” or a “I’m so pissed, I want to tell you to fuck off” is actually relational, if you’re heart is seeking a response.

W: You asked ‘how did people ever get convinced that masking their true feelings would make for a connection?’ I’d like to know more about that because I’d say I spent a good part of my life relating to god and others in that territory, and can still find myself needing to pause, back up and get back to real at times.

DF: Now that is a really awesome question, that evidences that you are indeed on a quest, never ending learning and all of that. Why do people pretend? Near as I can tell, it’s simply fear of loss. People are afraid of losing love, or worse, getting disapproval from an other, that they will put forward feelings and energy and words and even a persona that isn’t them at all.

Sounds like in that though, it proves we are meant for love, and that love is native to us and so we go to these crazy lengths to try and have it.

Such crazy lengths in fact, that the person even convinces themselves and many around them that the growing false persona that they have put forward is in fact them, and not the stand-in that it is. This is the world of the false self.

W: How could someone be able to tell the difference between their false self doing the moment as compared to their authentic self?

DF: More good questions, Wayne. Thank you. Nothing makes for a deepening conversation than a heart open and hungry questioner. I think this one is really easy to feel and see the difference if someone is willing to be real with themselves. My truth is that whenever someone is operating from their false self, their needs are not being met. In other words, they aren’t being nourished. There is no joy or fulfillment in the relating. Often, it’s just a sense of duty or obligation that is providing the momentum in the relationship. This is the biggest killer for most people’s relationship with God, and with anyone else. Being devout towards God is the biggest lie there is, because there is always underneath the devotion unspoken and often unfelt anger and hurt towards God.

W: I can feel myself for so long in my past in the way under-nourished department in my relationship with god and others. I wished I was more attuned then to the under nourishment.

DF: What would you have done if you could have figured this one out sooner?

W: Well, I imagine I’d have found what I have with you now a lot sooner, and that would have meant for more nourishment and meaning with others sooner as well, and less suffering.

DF: While that’s true on one level, and ending suffering is the desire of the universe Wayne, the universe also knows that people need the time they need to be able to live their way to knowing and feeling the differences we’re talking about. Whether someone is on the side of not having this nourishment or having it deeply, both are an equally sacred human experience of coming-to-know. It’s the experience of not having that makes the having so sweet and treasured.

W: And the having is what actually melts away all the regret and sorrow over the not having.

DF: Exactly.

W: Christopher shared a piece of journaling today about feeling his past with men, and how much posturing there was around the guys, and how tender it felt to have what we have now in comparison, and then he felt it way deeper still, feeling how a part of him feared losing that with me if more men join in our connection. That he could find and feel that real and underlying vulnerability and bring it with tears is a gift that is still moving through me. That is nourishment.

DF: And you only know it when you know it. The pearl of great price.

W: And then you go and sell all that you have and go out and buy the field that pearl is contained in, if I remember that parable correctly.

DF: Yes, that’s it. I’d add to that: Or you don’t. Instead you remain in your predictable routine, your hiding, your suffering, while the universe aches with the ache you can’t yet feel and supports you to arrive eventually at your sovereign choice one fine day.

W: Father, it feels like all of manhood is aching for every man to grow in this way. That any man who takes any step in this growth is taking a step actually for all men.

DF: Yes, this is the real and true and deep ground of a man being a true man, in his real life, in his real relationships. Everything that is needed for his personal epic drama is in place. That his life looks so normal, so lackluster, so empty possibly, is all just contrasting backdrop to this epic story of the search for realness and nourishment that the universe supports him to reach out for and find and be forever changed. Hopefully, if the price and lesson is deep enough, he will never again return to the false world of pretense of going without for very long, and if he does, he can readily feel the difference and choose again.

W: I like feeling this feeling Father, I mean much of my waking consciousness feels normal and ordinary to me. To be able to feel my life as being this deep in love, and my own unfolding divinity and journey colors my feelings of myself.

DF: Crayola, 64 pack, man! Yes. Color in and out of the lines.

W: Thank you Father, You tired me out again.

DF: I thought I fired you up.

W: Well, you did, and then that needs time and life and rest to digest.

DF: So it does, Wayne.

W: Thank you Father.

 

Wayne Vriend is a healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

The Ache For Community: Dialogues With Divine Father Day Eight

Wayne's Mandala

 

W: Hey Divine Father, I’d like to connect again, I’m feeling some kind of an ache inside of me today and I think it has to do with where we left off yesterday.

DF: Sure, Wayne. Say more.

W: Well, I’ve been feeling it all day today as a background wanting of something. When I check in with the feeling, it comes up as dissatisfaction, a wanting of something that I don’t have, and then the feeling goes to imagining what it would be like to have a momentum of new people and new intimacy in our lives.

DF: Okay…

W: But then, I, or some part of me, wonders if I’m resisting letting in the goodness that I have right now, by looking outward for something else. Appreciating what I have always feels like an area that I can grow more in.

DF: So, why don’t we try something?

W: Okay.

DF: Let’s put the question of whether you need to just learn to be happy with what you have aside for a moment, if that’s okay.

W: I’m okay with that.

DF: Good. Now, I want you to feel and say more about what, what did you call it? ‘a momentum of new people and new intimacy in your life.’ Imagine that, feel that, and see if you can put picture and feeling words around it.

W: Well, it’s an exciting feeling of being wanted by others, who we are as well as the life we’ve chosen, people like us wanting to be around us, to create something more that we and they, can’t create on our own. It’s deeply sharing the choices of ‘where to live’ and ‘how to live’ together in relationship. Somehow, it’s the opposite of the separate self our society has engendered who perceives they don’t need anyone or anything to large degree.

DF: Don’t stop for me.

W: Okay, what else? It’s feeling life together, all of life, needs for security, food, shelter, sex, culture. All of that takes on a new dimension when you add one more person, and it loses a dimension when you lose a person. I recall being single and how momentously my life changed to not just have someone new in my life, but to give myself fully to that intimacy. Life went to places, and fulfillments along with challenges that I hadn’t dreamed of. Well, actually, I had let myself do some dreaming, but the reality was still way beyond that, and still is.

DF: Wayne, when you feel this in light of mate ache, that growing ache a single person feels that moves them and the universe to manifest their mate, why wouldn’t that also be true around larger community?

W: So you’re saying I’m feeling something natural?

DF: Couldn’t be more natural if you ask me.

W: I am asking you.

DF: Wayne, I like that you hold the question of where your dissatisfaction is coming from, if this is just something that you need to find deeper fulfillment with what you have now. But to me, it isn’t what’s real and alive here. You have found and lived your way into something truly alive and real and it couldn’t be any other way than for there to be an arising dissatisfaction with keeping it to yourselves. You’re meant to feel a missing, an ache for something that isn’t here yet.

W: That feels true.

DF: Wayne, it is true. Something alive that isn’t shared dies. Not that death itself is so bad, but this something dies before it’s time, triggering an ache and a sorrow for what could have been, but wasn’t, in the hopes that it will manifest next time around.

W: I got to tell you a story, father.

DF: Okay. Please do.

W: Yesterday, just before bedtime Father, there was this swarm of bugs outside and so we closed the shutters to keep them out of the house. I took a walk outside to see what was up and to my shock, it looked like the house was on fire with the thick swarms of bugs hovering all over the red tile roof. It came up in minutes, a kind of bug I hadn’t noticed before. We just had like our first week of the rainy season and of course that had everything to do with it. We were first a bit scared as well as annoyed, but as I felt into what message might there be in this, I felt some things.

DF: Such as…

W: Well, here was this little army of bugs, suddenly born out onto the scene of life, previously only existing in potential form and completely off the radar (of us humans at least). I was told they were termites, they had 4 wings, which I they seemed to shed and go to a wingless life…because the ground was littered with wings and the bugs were later crawling instead of flying. Then everything went back to normal overnight and we had a big house cleaning session this morning. All of that speaks of deep and sudden transformation. It existed first in potential larvae form, then baking in the clay tile ovens of the roof tiles and the dry season for who knows how long, then life takes a turn and voila. It was hard to think of anything else. A new time had come. And it felt like the universe was wanting us to feel the potential for sudden change, even as we have been holding and desiring that. The change feels related to the expansion of community.

DF: Wow, Wayne, nature itself showed you the naturalness of deep and sudden transformation. First, it existed in potential and hidden form, ‘baking’ until the cake was ready, and boom, all of life suspends, as a birthing takes place, chaos and then an integrating of that birthing. The insects are powerful totems wanting you to feel with them, and them wanting to feel with you, the energy that the universe is pulsing with, and how it resonates in both you and them.

W: So could community come out of the woodwork that quickly?

DF: It’s a native to the universe desire Wayne, that you are feeling and so are the many others who are drawn to and ache for community. Also, you are entering a time where the old story of separation and independence is crumbling fast. For many like you and others, it’s well beyond crumbling, and the pillars have caved in. You will soon see a surprising coming together of likeminded hearts and souls very ready to explore what a relationship might look like.

W: Wow, I wonder if all of me is ready to feel that. I mean, it’s been so long of not having that, trying to learn to live and be fulfilled without it.

DF: I get the challenge Wayne in that, but all you need to do is feel your desires, as well as what it feels like to try and keep the lid on these desires and I think it deeply and feelingly answers your questions. A new time is coming, and you are actually getting ready for it, fast.

W: Okay, I want to let in those words and feelings Father.

DF: Yes, you worked hard to choose and to be with the comparative isolation of the past. That was the baking of the potential into the cake of what is manifesting soon. I mean, you don’t need to believe me, just take note of what comes next as it does, and remember us feeling all this together. You’ll need that when the chaos shows up.

W: But a good kind of chaos…

DF: The kind you wanted for a very log time, Wayne, more than just this lifetime. And the kind that life and the universe has been preparing you for, for a long time.

W: Thanks again so much, Father.

DF: You are Welcome, Wayne.

 

Wayne Vriend is a healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

Mourning Makes Room For Deep Change: Dialogues With Divine Father Day Seven

Wayne's Mandala

W:  Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hey Wayne…

W: I just did a bunch of painting today, the first time in 9 months. I should let the readers know that I retired last year from 30 plus years of self employment as a painting contractor, and today was painting for another couple here at the ranch. I’d like to digest some feelings that came up for me around that, as well as dig some deeper to feel some things that I suspect are off my radar that are wanting to come up to be felt.

DF: Sounds good, let’s go there, Wayne. What did you feel so far?

W: Well, as I got painting, I felt the old familiar mind space start to settle in around estimating how long it would take to complete tasks, then trying to strategize things. I felt a part of me dig in, and try to focus and crank it out. Now, today was all way more relaxed from where I used to be in this, but it was enough of an energetic feeling reminder to put me right back to the feeling space of where I lived and breathed for so long. Productivity was definitely a drug for a part of me, so much so, that I really just was this part of me, most of the time, in the work domain of my life. Then there was all of just the right tools for the task, with tons of options. Today, I used borrowed everything, and it was a stark contrast to how things would have looked and felt a few years ago.

DF: So what feelings came up for you so far?

W: So far, I have this feeling of ‘who was I?’ during this evolving era of my life. The feeling behind the question is one something of a mourning for lost opportunity. What wasn’t in my consciousness and heart that could have been during this time? I felt locked into so much linearity around logistics; the drive to get ahead always dictating; money demands always rising to match or exceed the increased income.

DF: Wayne, I think you need to start with feeling that every bit of that ground and all that it entailed, so many settings and experiences and relationships that were all intertwined, all of it was and is sacred. That’s really important to feel. Feeling the difference in your consciousness today and comparing it to the past does not mean that the past was any less sacred or the present any more sacred. And the future won’t be any more sacred either, with whatever growths you attain to.

W: Wow, when I feel that, that I can’t get to anything more sacred, and never could actually, then in some way, I’ve arrived already to the destination of my life pilgrimage you could say.

DF: Yes, you are as loved, and held, and valued as you will ever be, as you are now. Nothing you do, or feel for that matter, can increase or decrease that. You actually arrived before you began.

W: Which of course begs the question, ‘What’s the point of the journey then?’

DF: Can you feel into the answer to that?

W: When I feel it Father, it feels to me like the point of the journey is to come deeper and deeper into the knowing and feeling this self love, this divine love, to let it in, to let it color my waking and sleeping experience, to let it flow through me relationally with my parts and with others. As I say that, I feel how this is really Tristan, the part of me who held my contractor reality, who is holding this inquiry today.

DF: Thank you for feeling Tristan in this Wayne. Let’s feel it from Tristan’s reality. He held and did a bunch of your life for a long time. He was the best thing you had going, when there wasn’t the you that is here now to lead. He needs to be honoured for that. And what you said Wayne, about letting in the love, that has to go into every part of your being. It’s not just some soul part of you that gets to find deeper context and meaning and fulfillment, but every part of you that needs and wants to share in it for it to be real and wholesome.

W: That jives with what you said about all of life being already sacred. I mean, if the journey is not about attaining the sacred, or connection with god, because that’s already true, then that truth flooding my entire being is the only point or goal that’s left.

DF: I wished I had a heavenly choir to echo that feeling back to you in words and song and a thousand voices. Yes, yes and yes, Wayne. Letting in this love is all that’s left.

W: It feels so rich and deep father, so good to feel this.

DF: And Wayne, you only get to feel this by being human. It is your humanity that craves love and security, and meaning and being seen as unique, and connected to all love.

W: So what then of my feeling of mourning the me who couldn’t feel this goodness that I feel now?

DF: Mourning is feeling what could have been, but wasn’t. Mourning is realizing   you had something, but didn’t know it. Mourning is what makes room for deep change and growth. There was more love to be had and you, or part of you missed out on it. Part of you suffered in it’s absence, and attached to other things like productivity, linearity, and self image in order to medicate over the missing.

W: So I hear you validating deep change and growth, inside of the reality that I can’t get anymore connected to god than I already am.

DF: Yes, and if you can fast forward to the future and know there will be more mourning of what was, and what wasn’t, in this way that we’re feeling together, because mourning always lets in deep growth and change. Sorrow and joy. Sorrow and joy.

W: I can feel myself almost full up for today.

DF: I’ll bet. Celebrate Tristan Wayne, as you feel the mourning moving him and make ready for new levels of joy and connection.

W: Thank you Father, I will.

 

Wayne Vriend is a healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

The Ache For Intimacy: Dialogues With Divine Father Day Six

Wayne's Mandala

W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hello Wayne. Where would you like to go today?

W: I feel I’d like to talk about intimacy. Yesterday with you was so intimate, and I’m still letting that in. The heart space I live in every day with Jillian and Christopher is more intimate than I’ve ever known, being without most of the distractions from intimacy that so many people’s lifestyle has. And intimacy comes up for me as I’m digesting some recent contact these past couple days from people within the intense group in which Jillian and I met and were a part of 7 years ago.

DF: Let’s talk about intimacy then, and see if we can feel it as we talk about it. What comes for me Wayne, as I open my heart again to you and our dialogue, if you don’t me saying is that what you are really wanting is to feel intimate on some level, and maybe trying to get there by talking mentally about it.

W: That feels true Father, and no, I don’t mind you saying.

DF: Can you feel then the level that you are seeking intimacy, cuz, as you say, you live in it with Jillian and Christopher, and as I know, your parts as well.

W: I feel I still hunger for more intimacy with a growing circle of people who also want and value intimacy. This off-grid lifestyle we’ve chosen is the most off-grid in it’s sense of heart and intimacy. I don’t know of any other group or couple who lives in what we live in.

DF: So more numbers would make it more bearable then?

W: Truth is Father, I think I do think that way a lot of the time and I’m not sure it’s true. I mean, would more intimacy fill this longing I still seem to be carrying? What if more intimacy with more people ended up being a whole lot more difficult on some level?

DF: It’s one of those things again Wayne, that we can’t know till we do. Can you let this longing simply speak it’s words and truth right now? Can you find it’s voice?

W: Thank you Father, I feel you feeling me. I’ll try to feel into this longing and it’s voice right now, as you say.

It says: I want to know and be known. I want the freedom of not hiding my real self, and the joy of not having to live without knowing others real selves. I want my pains to be soothed by knowing and feeling the real pains of others. I want to really know and feel my joy by being around others embracing and living in their joy. I want to be around people who admit the roles they’ve become captive to, heal what’s underneath that role, and let more of them out to truly play.

DF: Hey, great access, Wayne. I admire your willingness to just feel and write.

W: Thank you.

DF: That’s you being intimate with you. Intimacy must start there.

W: Where does it go from there, or where does it need to go?

DF: Let’s put the question this way: Where does the intimacy want to go?

W: Good call.

DF: I’ll say. Everything the voice of your longing said was an ‘I want.’ A good healed and working wanter is what’s needed here, and that you have in spades Wayne.

W: So where does intimacy want to go?

DF: See what I mean, Mr. Impatient Wanter?

Where the intimacy wants to go is of course into more. Intimacy, though it fulfills so deeply is never fully satisfied. It always wants more.

W: Kind of like really good sex, and you think you’re good for a week.

DF: Exactly, 48 hours later and whose all up in a dither? This is about the willingness to live in and bear desire, appetite, wanting. It’s what really being alive is about. Wayne, most folks want a spirituality that will moderate their desire nature, keep it in bounds because this aspect of being fully alive is what takes the balls. Anyone can fuck. But few can feel all that’s to be surrendered to in fucking. Intimacy of heart and soul is no different than body talk. There’s one night stands, friends with benefits and then there’s true lovers. True lovers surrender to the vulnerability of their inflamed desire and wanter that calls them to bear love, to take it to the next level. And what makes it so hot is the risk that both take to keep it alive.

W: This is so true. How many people father have been okay with living without love, real love on all these levels? I want that with more people. I’ll keep the sex between Jillian and I, but the raw, heart open in-to-me-see, I want more of that with more people.

DF: There’s your wanter talking out loud again, Wayne. I love it. And I thank you for being so free to say it. The words of your mouth and the desire of your heart is what is manifesting. Intimacy is begotten by desire that is owned inwardly and spoken outwardly. You’ve got yourself a heart-on!

W: J , Pardon me…

DF: No, don’t hide this one. Be proud of it. Let it out in fact for the world to see.

W: I mean really, what about the pearls before swine thing, Father?

DF: Okay, let’s go there as well. Intimacy is a two way street. Someone has to cross the space and ask for it in some way, shape or form, or it never happens. That involves your heart on your sleeve.

W: I’m reminded of the words:

I can’t know you unless you reveal yourself to me.

You won’t reveal yourself to me unless you trust me.

You can’t trust me unless you know me.

       You won’t know me unless I reveal myself to you.

I get that Father, it must begin with me, which is really cool, because I can act on what I want.

DF: Totally! And now is where the pearls before swine comes in. When you are that willing to be that open, showing off your heart-on proudly I might add, that’s when the other needs to show up for their part with a mutuality. And that’s where healthy protection of your own heart comes in, after you’ve led with revealing yourself to an other, your real self.

And hopefully, you’ve been drawn to people who are open and hungry and at a similar place as you ready to open up, so you won’t have to wade through too many swine, because you’ve been willing to fully bake in your desire and ache for more.

W: Okay, you nailed it, that’s what I want.

DF: Which answers your earlier question about whether more intimacy with more people is what you really want doesn’t it?

W: It does Father, I do want that. I really do. I want to fully embrace that desire, own it, and live in it and be responsive to it, to lead with it, that heart-on as you like to call it. It feels so much better to just admit this, let alone experience another person to share it with.

DF: True, true, because it’s all intimacy. In this case, it’s in-to-you-see, which leads to more in-to-me-see, in a really cool dance. And I think you’re ready for it Wayne, so again, don’t fall off your chair when it shows up.

W: Yeah, don’t want to sprain my heart-on.

DF: Exactly!

Wayne Vriend is a healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.