Healing to Healthy, Conscious Mate Ache

In the moment I feel lonely. This is true even as I have my soul family with me, an arising and strengthening relationship with myself and my parts, and a sacred beautiful connection to the Divine in both its masculine and feminine energies. I have what many souls are longing for, yet haven’t been willing or able to actually feel it. So, I am far from complaining. I feel blessed and gracious. But my heart and soul is missing something big. A mate to share it with. The other half of my other half.

Reflecting back on my romantic life, I can’t really remember healthfully and consciously aching for romance. In high school I wanted to be like the other cool guys and have a girlfriend. It was, for a part of me, a status symbol in a way. It was also a way for this part to feel worthy about himself even though the relationship itself was full of unworthiness. Love took me by surprise in college when I met Jillian. Parts of me resisted, as it was such a different kind of love that I had ever experienced, but the depth and sacredness of it won out. After our marriage completed, my next relationship was in response to feeling depressed, not a desire for true love. So I drew a depressed mate. I’m sure you can guess how that went. After that, I was out of the romance business for a good seven years while raising my daughter. When she moved to Canada I had a desire to date again, but it wasn’t that deep ache for courtship. I had a sexual affair that turned into a year long relationship. I wasn’t in love and needed to be honest with that. When that ended, I began to wonder if I needed to have more of a relationship with myself, but again became surprised by a younger woman from Canada. For those of you who have read my blogs, you know that to be Kathleen, and the history of our time together is well documented on this site.

I recount my past to remind me of how I have related to romance compared to what I feel now. It has been some time since my last incarnation with Kathleen. Through all that time I have been healing my way to a more grounded sense of Self. But I had to go to the wounds. The mom wounds, the dad wounds, past relationship wounds, and past life wounds. From there I began to ask the questions who am I really and what do I really want? When I started to feel the edges of those answers, a sense of self-awareness and self-love took shape. When I began to fill my own cup with the help of Jillian, Wayne, and Divine Love, I started to feel a missing piece. But the missing piece wasn’t me. I used to identify with the missing and I felt void. Unloved. Unworthy. Now I feel the piece that is me. That has always been there, but I just couldn’t feel. So when I say I am lonely, I don’t feel alone. Now I feel the desire. The desire for the yin to my yang. The queen to my king. The peanut butter to my jelly. I feel it in a way that is healthy and conscious. I couldn’t have done that without healing my way there.

Now, the irony is that while I have found my mate ache, I have found it while living on a remote, off-grid ranch in Mexico. A part of me could list all the reasons why it feels almost impossible that I could find a mate. But those only serve to leave me in a suffering loop about it, a piece I am trying hard to heal. There are a lot of criterion for a woman to resonate with. Collapse, dirt, work, heat, vulnerability, parts work, past lives, leadership, community, limited technology, gardening, gift economy vs. fiat currency, lots of sex, curiosity, conversation, cob housing, occasional impassable river, rain, sun, seeing the context to the content, connection with the Divine, Sunday circles, energy healing, creative vegetarian cooking, horses, bugs, sheep, dogs, mangoes, bananas, limes, lemons, papaya, noni, moringa, neem, laughing, crying, conflicting, hugging, cuddling, walking, praying, building, watering, and above all…loving. But one thing is for certain, if she does, then I can honestly say she may be the one.

I realize this is starting to sound like a dating site profile. So be it. In the age of collapse, what isn’t truly you gets burned away and the really important things become much clearer. There isn’t much time to play hide and seek from each other. My heart aches for her and for the love she holds. I can feel her, but cannot touch her. I can talk to her, but I cannot hear her. I can imagine her, but it isn’t enough. When I feel all that, there is a pain. A pain that is unfulfilled desire. I let it come through me. I don’t deny it. My eyes fill with tears and I cry. For as long as I need to. Sometimes for a brief moment, sometimes for several minutes. I feel lonely and sad, yet I am held in it. Held by the Divine, my own self-worth, and the knowing that I have love, just in a different form. The ache moves through me, I dry my eyes and continue through my day with my desire still in tact, a bit stronger than it was before.

I don’t know when it will happen. I don’t know if it will happen. Not even the Divine can tell me that. All I can do is feel it, express it, and send it out to the universe. It is not a passive place of waiting, but an active vibration that I emit and respond to possibilities. This article is one of them. Who knows where it lands. It is like the proverbial message in a bottle, cast in the ocean of Love to see if it lands on the shore of another heart. In the meantime, I continue to build my cob home, help to tend the gardens, and heal more of what still needs to heal in my heart and soul. It’s a pretty damn good life. But it could get infinitely better.

I can be reached through the SoulFullHeart website or email at soulfullhearts@gmail.com if you know anyone that resonates with my call. Thank you for taking in my writing.

Cob Building As A Political Action: Life At El Rancho Blog


“Building with cob is a powerful, political action, greatly reducing the need for mortgage systems, lumber and construction industries, and petrochemical companies. Cob builders spend less of their lives looking to pay for all of the above, and more time living. Making homes from natural materials gathered gently from the earth improves the likelihood of the survival of life itself,” The Cob builders Handbook, Becky Bee


By Jillian Vriend

The structure which had been looking more like just a circle of rocks with pressed, clay-colored mud on top of it is now starting to look like a home. We are at the over three feet tall walls phase of building the sleeping-living cabana, so now is the time for experimentation, play, and creativity. Hand-sculpting the cob is so much fun and now that we are creating nooks and shelves and putting in glass pieces and wine bottles into the walls, it is even more satisfying. It is so cool how you can bury anything in cob and form around it. Christopher and I especially like doing the forming and shaping of the niches and shelves and the walls too. Wayne enjoys it as well, and, also, shoveling the cob into place on the tarp while we tread on it. Making cob is a physical process, but more about endurance than high level activity. I am surprised to discover that I am sweating a lot or my muscles are sore the next day after a morning of making and placing cob.

We can make and place about three batches a day before we run out of new wall space to place it. We have also started a stool by the door for sitting on while putting on shoes and placed two shelves in the closet. We are only limited by our imagination and, in some cases, materials. Because we have almost no budget for this project, it is stretching us to become more creative and resourceful. The only thing we have really had to buy is two strong tarps (about $170 total) to provide shelter from sun and rain while we build. We are reusing glass wine bottles, which look great with light shining through them into the room. A couple on the ranch donated extra pieces of glass that they didn’t need to our project which we are happily using. And, of course, the ranch itself provides the backbones of the cob: the straw, clay, and sand that we need everyday.

Standing inside of the cabana, even without the walls going all the way up to the ceiling yet, feels different than a conventional house. Energy moves around the circle, uninterrupted by synthetic materials. We use our hand and feet chakras to make and form the cob, so our energy is laced in with every molecule of it. As an energy healer, I can feel the difference that this makes. There is a soul to this home and a heart too. I am becoming more and more excited about starting our kitchen and dining room building and then the cabana by the boulders on the hill for Wayne and I.

I am beginning to understand the difference between green building and natural building. According to Ecovillages by Karen Litfin, “Green building uses high-efficiency manufactured materials whereas natural building uses only materials that come directly from the earth, like clay, sand, wood, and straw and that can often be found on site.” She also talks about the embodied energy, meaning the amount of energy and gas-based resources it took to manufacture, of green building materials being much higher than natural. Embodied energy becomes an issue whenever we look to high tech options, especially related to their long term viability. We feel that our solar panel is a product of fossil fuels and to maintain it when and if it needs fixing will require more fossil fuels (along with fiat currency) to repair. We see having any electricity as a luxury rather than as a necessity and this paradigm shift in us has made a big difference.

It is interesting to feel that choosing to build in cob and not with conventional methods is a political action, as Becky Bee offers in her Cob Builders Handbook. It is saying ‘no’ to methods that create pollution while the materials are being made (embodied energy again) and are inherently unsustainable. It is saying ‘no’ with our hands and feet. It is saying ‘yes’ to natural materials being durable, attractive, and preferable. Another concept that has been interesting to me is the sense that sustainability is not actually an option. It may feel like an option now, while non-sustainable practices are the norm, but in the bigger picture, the longer term picture, it is not an option. It is just what nature is when left on its own.

It is finally cooling down here with cloudy skies, some rain storms, a welcome relief from the hot days since the beginning of May. I put seeds in the ground in our Rio garden and in our Tranquila garden, trying to fit in a window where the skies were cloudy but not pouring down rain. It’s an experiment right now to see what will germinate and what won’t, what plants are OK with rain and which ones aren’t. The bean plants are still the stars of the garden, some of them seeming to germinate year round, and tolerant to the rains and the heat. I miss our tomatoes already and look forward to growing them again in the winter, along with cucumbers and squash. I planted kale, bok choy, tropical lettuce, tatsoi once it cooled down and we are eager for them to grow as we miss greens.

We are becoming more energized by a growing sense of clarity and passion about our SoulFullHeart Community here at the ranch. We already live in community, the three of us sharing meals, money, living spaces, car, dogs, work projects, and a healing path together. We desire for others to join us in this lifestyle of organic healing and emotional transparency in a sustainable environment. I am fond of the term ‘eco-spirituality’ and I feel like it represents what we are offering in SoulFullHeart. Spirituality that is grounded in the body and in the earth. It isn’t about transcendence or pulling away and out of the world; it is about embodied and relational transformation that is more in the world. Our vision is for maybe ten people, including the three of us, so more of a large family vibe (but a healthy one!) than an ecovillage or co-housing community.

We created a booklet describing about us, our vision for the community, and other important information. Please email us at soulfullhearts@gmail.com if you would like us to send you one.

Jillian Vriend is a co-founder of SoulFullHeart Community, a healer, and author of three books. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.


I Am Many And We Are One: Divine Father Dialogues Day 26

Wayne's Mandala


W: Hello Divine Father.

DF: Hello Divine Son.

W: Yes, thank you. I do feel divine at times, other times not as much. It’s really cool though to be reminded that I am divinity expressing in the world, and that I can connect with you as a son.

DF: Let’s do that today.

W: Which brings me to what I’d like to talk with you about today.

DF: What’s that?

W: You mentioned yesterday about having healthy boundaries, and that made me feel how historically with people I’ve struggled between wanting to be totally direct and call a spade a spade, as they say, and being the way I learned to be in customer service, well liked and chosen for the contract and paid well, and all of that. That polarity seems to have followed me to the present day. So today, I journaled with the 2 parts of me who have held each end of that, and we all felt we wanted to get your input around healthy boundaries and see what they look like in action?

DF: I think we could have fun with that today, Wayne. Where would you start it off?

W: How about I just dive in around my quandaries and you can feel how to respond?

DF: Totally.

W: Okay. There’s the quandary about what to do with something I really dislike in a person or something they said. I’m already feeling the answer has to do with a middle way between love and truth telling, but I could use some guidance and coaching on that one for sure. Then there’s a reticence I feel to be direct when there is something I fear losing from the person. All those years of not being emotionally honest with clients let me win the contract, but took a toll on my deeper desired way of being in relationships. I had to enter a role that had some real me in it, but also had something I no longer want with people.

DF: I so get, Wayne, the feeling of wanting to shed a layer of something that once served you, felt like who you were then, but simply feels clumsy and awkward today. Let me ask you, what does it feel like you’d want most to change for you relationally?

W: It feels like, Father, what I’d really like is to find this middle ground of being where it doesn’t take much debate inside, where it simply flows in a balance of embodied truth telling and real care for the person, as well as for myself, advocating for what I want and don’t want.

DF: I think we could end the conversation right here, Wayne, because you said it all in a nutshell.

W: I did.

DF: You did.

W: But I didn’t say I found it, I said I want to find it.

DF: I’m just feeling how you’ve done your homework on this one, and you are already at the deep desire stage, which is what comes just before the new opening. Your next step is simply walking that out in the situations that life puts across your path.

W: Does that mean you don’t want to talk about it?

DF: Well, hold on, let’s see what’s in the tank to help out with….

W: Thank you.

DF: Boundaries are the line between you and the other person, you and the world, you and I for that matter. While it is true that we are all one and the lines between us are not real on one level, it is also true that we are unique and distinctly separate beings. Both are true. The analogy that feels real to me is that while the body has many distinct members or parts, if one of those members suffer, then all the members suffer. Collectively, we are one. Individually, we are also one. Did you get that?

W: Not sure I did.

DF: Not sure I did either, to tell you the truth, so I was hoping you got it. Downloading like this takes paying attention, even for me.

W: You said that collectively as well as individually, we are one. That’s interesting. What I feel in that is that it could be said in another way; collectively and individually, we are many, from which arises our oneness.

DF: And oneness doesn’t exclude individuality, but rather enhances it and backlights it. So, what you are seeking help with today is as an individual who wants to take responsibility for what he is putting in to the collective oneness. That’s oneness contributing to oneness again. Cool huh?

W: I think so, but I’m not sure I’m getting your point. Is it one of those things that I need to meditate on to let in deeper?

DF: I’m not really sure of my point either, Wayne. I told you, you already had this figured out, but you still wanted to talk, so I just figured to feel it together and see where it takes us. I suspect it will turn up something good, but I can’t guarantee it. It’s up to both of us as well as the universe.

W: I’m good with that actually, really good, in fact. Fresh home-cooked is way better than canned.

DF: Okay, hang on, something’s coming. I think we got onto why all it takes is one. I know that’s a pretty saying, but this has some traction here. If the oneness of the individual contributes to the oneness of the collective, then all it takes for that to be initiated into consciousness is for it to be embodied in one, and oneness takes it into being.

W: Are you saying that I could single handedly change the world?

DF: Yes and No. It takes the whole world to change the world, as seed and plant and soil and air and sun are needed. While that’s true, what is also true is that any change that comes into the world always begins as a single seed. So, in this, every action and choice you make are sending out waves of deep change into the collective as single seeds being introduced into consciousness. You changing you, changes the collective and is an essence of the oneness you all are together.

W: So none of us are out changing one soul at a time here?

DF: The only soul that can be changed one soul at a time is yours, you to you. And if you change, all change.

W: I can’t help but feel an energy that counters the energy you are feeling though, Father. I mean, the more I have changed, the more undesirable humanity, at times, has felt to me. It felt like I left them behind, rather than changed them.

DF: But the humanity you embody means that you changed humanity’s way of being by embodying it in seed form, that was planted by your being, in real time, in real human relationships and circumstance. I think, Wayne, what the universe is offering, as we wade into feeling this domain together about healthy boundaries is that you and everyone of your kind is actually so much bigger than you have until now conceived, but is now unstoppably dawning on your horizon. You are simply an early adopter of what humanity itself is desiring. You didn’t come up with this quandary of how to be more authentic and agile in relationships. The universe came up with it and you volunteered. The entire human race and universe holds the desire.

W: So that makes me a vessel, as we used to say in Christianity.

DF: … a true vessel of honor, for sure. Divinity, no less.

W: Okay, Christianity would choke on that part.

DF: It takes all of humanity choking on this part to finally come to it.

W: So there’s a time factor though that we need to get some patience around?

DF: Not for you, Wayne. You get to have it now. I mean, does that feel real?

W: I get to be a first partaker like you said yesterday, and that is having it now, because I’m holding it for all, not just for me. When the all comes to living it out in conscious reality is not when my fulfillment kicks in. It kicks in now. And my future now won’t be any better as my present now.

DF: I’m surprised by where this went today, Wayne. I figured we were going to talk about healthy boundaries in some other way, but somehow, this piece was needed first and all I can say is stay tuned, and to be continued. My down loader needs a break.

W: I will stay tuned. Thank you for this ride. I’ll be looking forward to where we go. This one doesn’t feel complete.

DF: Time for a siesta.

W: Si, Senor.

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

Every Relationship Is a Cultivated Cult With A Culture: Divine Father Dialogues Day 22

Wayne's Mandala

W: Good Morning Divine Father.

DF: Good Morning Wayne.

W: That was so good yesterday, it’s still moving through me. I had curiosity coming up in my dreams last night.

DF: I don’t think we finished it either.

W: No, I think we just ‘decoupled’ cuz we were full.

DF: Where to now, Wayne?

W: I was hoping you knew.

DF: I think you have a tab on what’s next, or let’s wait a moment till you do.

W: Yeah, you’re right. I think I do. A part of me, Marvin actually, was feeling this morning as we lay awake before dawn, in the birdsong that he missed connections with people from my past, to share the kind of curiosity that we spoke about yesterday. Then we felt how when people hold judgments about us, how that curiosity isn’t allowed out to play and dance between us. I mean, Marvin holds that it’s a cool thing to be curious about even if the person stayed in one place and hardly changed a thing. Like, how is that done? But, when people feel my path isn’t valid because of my beliefs or values or choices, that leaves us really no ground on which to dance, except maybe some kind of oppressive polite niceness.

DF: What do you make of that, as you call it ‘oppressive polite niceness’ when it’s energized by people towards you?

W: It feels very much like a learned behaviour, that I am all too familiar with, having become skilled in it for much of my life. And it feels very cult-like, too. It has all the markings of a cult.

DF: I know you’ve thought through the subject of cults, Wayne. I recall you and Yeshua discussing it in a really alive way. I’d like to discuss it with you some more and see where we might take it.

W: I’d like that a lot.

DF: Why don’t you start off by sharing where you’ve already come to in your not-so-mainstream picture of cults?

W: Okay. Let’s see if I can encapsulate it. Well, first off was the assertion that when any two or more of us enter a relationship, we are actually forming a cult. I know, people’s definition for the word cult doesn’t fit that, but therein lies a deep misunderstanding about relationships. What we tend to refer to as cults are the proven harmful ones, but in that projection, we are able to project onto them the harm that we are in fact responsible for inside of the many cults we have joined. Every relationship has it’s own ‘culture’, that is ‘cultivated’ which is the essential nature of worship; the need to belong and to conform to get love and to avoid rejection, same exact stuff that makes up a monster cult. In other words, none of us get to not belong to cults. Just belonging to humanity is a cult in itself. Just ask any other animal.

There’s the human cult, the family cult, the country cult, the mate-ship cult, the workplace cult, the school cult, the friends cult, the men cult, the women cult, and on and on. If we can accept this fact, then we can finally own and take responsibility for how we are treating others and how we are letting ourselves be treated. Short of that awakening, we are simply playing out other people’s uninteresting, unexamined and far too often repeated stories. Does that about cover it, Father?

DF: Just about…what I’d add to that is the piece about not only are cults the place where harm occurs, they are the only place where any good can occur. Considering that the human is a social animal, and gets their needs met only through relationship and interaction, then joining a cult is your only hope. Best though to find one you like, and examine the ones you’re in.

W: It’s like, Father, how we discussed that any and all healing comes through the agency of relationship (with self, others and the divine). It’s cool, Christopher pointed out yesterday that the root of the word curiosity is not only from the root of ‘care’, but also from the same root of ‘cure.’ Care and cure comes to us by the agency of alive relationship based in true curiosity. Those stuck in any cemented belief structure can’t embody true curiosity because they are focused on paving the world over. No relationship needed there, only surrender to empire and dictatorship.

DF: Which really gets to a defining point, Wayne. Well, let’s summarize a moment and then see where the point fits. First, we’re all in cults, several in fact. Awake to that. Take responsibility for that. Cults cause great harm for the very same reason they can cause great healing. It’s because they are people in relationship and connection.

What makes for the difference and definition between a harmful or a healthy cult is the degree of true curiosity about the world, about people, about love, about relationships. Any group bent on recruiting members is long past whatever formation they may have had in a phase of true curiosity, and is now entrenched in packaging ‘Thee Truth’ with a capital ‘T.’ There is so strikingly little actual relating going on in that cult, be it any cult of two or more, that it is a wonder it can persist into the future. There’s a curiosity right there.

W: So you’re saying that say a couple for instance, or a friendship that has lost it’s curiosity about each other is into this dead and harmful phase where they have lost any awareness of the power of relationships, for either great good or great harm, or anything in between.

DF: It’s a pretty simple test really. Curiosity in relationships is so nourishing in its’ presence and so impoverishing in its’ absence.

W: So, Father, what do we do with the cults we’re in that we unknowingly and even quite innocently signed up for, that don’t feel alive anymore?

DF: Well, first, I’d say, let go of the ‘bloom where you’re planted’ idea. You done bloomed here a long time ago and all that’s left is a husk and maybe a burial. You need to do what any sane person does on a sinking ship or in a burning building is find an exit, or a lifeboat. You may have unconsciously got in, but you need to consciously get out. That means getting you out of the cult and getting the cult out of you and doing whatever it takes to affect that. Of course, it will be costly, but remaining in the harmful cult will cost you more, and only someone suicidal, and lost in self hatred would remain upon realizing where they are.

W: What about all the painful relationship losses involved?

DF: Cult members who are embedded deeply in the cult don’t have any good will, let alone curiosity about some one whose bailing on the cult. You can’t expect them to. Only someone on the edge of leaving like you would have any resonance with your choices and choose to leave with you. Most though, when they are faced with the choice of leaving you or leaving the cult, it’s the cult that wins out almost all the time. Anything different is very rare. That’s because humans aren’t actually able to be outside of cults. Even the individual all by them self is made up of several parts, who are in a culture together, hence a cult, otherwise known as a personality.

W: This is good stuff, Father.

DF: Hey, man. This is our cult. We gotta keep it running on the good stuff.

W: I guess it is our cult, huh?

DF: Sure it is, Wayne. Every relationship is totally and completely a cult, that needs to be acknowledged, seen for what it is, and taken accountability for what it is producing and spreading in the world.

W: So, if it’s unavoidable to do life without doing cults, then we need to embrace that fact. I guess I’m repeating myself, Father. Do you know what edge I’m trying to get at just now?

DF: Hang in there, it’ll come back.

W: It’s coming back. Okay, the big bad cult I joined and gave a bunch of myself too, and who did me harm and all of that….I joined that, I stayed in that, I gave strength to that, I put money in that, I was part of the harm it did to others, I loyally spurned the others who left, just by staying, and in it all, I pulled the trigger on true curiosity. And if I did all that, then it wasn’t done to me. That means I’m not a victim. If anything, I victimized myself. Yes, there were harmful assholes in the cult who hurt me, but I let them. I approved the harm I received.

DF: Yes! Which means the pain and the harm was all about learning.

W: And the learning could only and ever be all about love.

DF: Because love is the sole and only substance in the universe. Harm only serves to define and offer a contrast to love.

W: So, when you’re ready, celebrate the cult you joined, that arguably diminished you. The only reason it could diminish you is because you are in fact so much bigger and you needed and even chose the experience, in order to come to terms with this bigness. No cults, no growth.

DF: We may not be done with this one, Wayne, may need to pick it up tomorrow.

W: Maybe we’ll never be done on this one.

DF: Good point. Cults are popping up by the second.

W: Like beans in the garden. I think it’s my turn to water.

DF: Hasta Manana?

W: Yes, hasta manana.

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

The Hearth Of The Heart: Divine Father Dialogues Day 25

Wayne's Mandala

W: Hello Father.

DF: Hello Wayne.

W: Father, I’m feeling a bit depressed actually and I’d like your help to feel what is here to feel.

DF: What is here to feel?

W: Well, I’ll tell you as much as I know. Yesterday was a bunch of different people in email, and all of them felt so disconnected to me in how they communicate with no reverence for relationship. It seems the facebook level of relating is where they’re at. That feels so depressing to me. Then there is feeling some tension about money. We started talking about budgeting the remains of our nest egg, which sounds more like that bad word of rationing. There feels like a tension in that, but also a longing to be more and more free of serving mammon, and of seeing the world through that false lens. That’s what I can feel of what’s on the surface, but underneath, I get a need that is surfacing is a desire to connect more and more with the soul aspect part of me, that I call my Daemon.

DF: Well, let’s look at all 3 of those together.

W: Thank you, I’d like that.

DF: When you chose the many times that you have to leave the collective ways of relating and the collective ways of being intimate with people, you put both a distance between you and them as well as made a pact with yourself and them that would serve them. As a soul, you knew you could not serve them in their journey to a deeper place without going there yourself, but in going there, you had to let go of the conscious relationship with them, knowing that remaining in bonds that were not alive would prevent you from going to the deeper place yourself. By exiting a dead relationship out of a desire for more, you actually entered a soul intimacy with the soul of that person. This often leaves you with a feeling of your needs going unmet, especially when people who seem to like something about you can’t communicate with any grounded desire or feelings. Is this going in for you, Wayne?

W: Yes, it’s going into my heart. I need to hear this from you today and whatever more you have to say about it.

DF: Okay, thanks for the welcome and the desire. So, I’d like for you to feel the sacred pact you have with every person you relate with. In choosing to live into your most authentic self, and following where that takes you, especially in regards to who is and who is no longer in your life, you set up a hearth in your heart for that soul. If they want to and when they are ready, and when it feels safe enough, they will let you serve them. On your part, it is a willingness to have nothing with them if you can’t have everything with them. However, it really isn’t ending up with nothing, even if there isn’t a reconnection with the person.

W: I feel my heart expanding as you’re talking, and the depression lifting. I feel you energizing a hearth in your heart towards me. Can you say more about how it isn’t having nothing?

DF: Sure, let’s feel all we can about that. First, what comes is that remaining in a dead bond with anyone is co-signing and medicating each others’ mutual stuckness in life. It is using another in the most profound sense, that isn’t actually lessened by the mutuality of it. It is a willingness both to harm and to be harmed. On a soul level, there is no greater offense to love. However, becoming conscious of this dynamic in relationship and choosing to end it, is giving a great gift to yourself and the other. On a soul level, you received the opportunity to give your deepest gifts to an other, and in turn to all others. What it cost you to make that choice and to live in the vacancy of that choice is what makes the gift so incredibly valuable. The value of this gift you are the rightful first partaker of, because you can only give what you have received and what is yours to give. On a soul level, Wayne, this is learning what you came here to learn and fulfillment on a level that cannot be higher.

W: Father, I’m agreeing with what you are saying and I feel it touching me deeply, but I need to ask why then do I come up against a depressed energy in myself?

DF: In your choice of words, Wayne, I feel an expectation that there shouldn’t be any coming up against something. The present state of relationships is profoundly depressing. To be around it in other people and to receive their words and communications, especially in email, is an off gassing on their part trying to find some relief from the pain they live in, but seek to sidestep. On a soul level, that is a big fuck you to your soul. Their soul knows what your soul has chosen and has marked you as both unsafe and a target in many cases. This facebook level of communication may seem so innocuous and disconnected, but it is in fact has a whole lot more going on that meets the eye. If your awareness of this dims, it will manifest as a backpressure of depression. Some of the depression is a result of the disowned depression in others you are communicating with, and some is feeling the depression of seeing your life from the extremely limiting mundane lens where your being looks insignificant and meaningless. This depression however is a clarion call to come back to feel this on a soul level.

W: My goodness, you answer a question with such a world expanding reply, that I’m not quite sure where to go next. I think what sticks out for me though is the ‘fuck you to my soul’ thing you mentioned. Why would I want to be in a love pact like you said earlier with people kicking and kicking hard at me?

DF: I knew you’d ask for more on that. I’m glad you did actually, because it gets to the heart of something, and in that heart is a hearth that touches and nourishes deeply, it enables you to keep going with joy. The soul essence of the human being is where the deepest love and the deepest hurts are to be had. Serving souls in a love pact is what effectively neutralizes all harm that a soul is putting out. You’re only showing up for the good part, and the harm part falls back on them, calling to them to find their courage to heal, and to choose. You just need to know what comes with the territory and keep your healthy boundaries. Your yes and no are what keeps the good in and bad out.

W: I like that.

DF: I thought you would. And it feels like we covered all 3 things you started out with?

W: We did.

DF: …and how so for you?

W: Well, we opened up wide a deep soul perspective on real relationships. That in turn addresses the money anxiety in that my needs are met by giving the deepest gifts I have in the world, rather than trying to pawn myself off as a house painter, which is what it would amount to going forward for me now. Earning money in the old way I did for so many years actually isn’t very secure at all as it isn’t connected to my deepest and present gifts. And the third thing I was asking for help on was a deeper connection with my daemon, and I so felt you watering him and I feel him taking in deeply all of your words and what feels like a deep desire on his part to live into these soul realities as my daily conscious realities from which my feeling states and awareness arise.

DF: Anything else I can help you with?

W: Not till tomorrow I’m afraid, you nailed it.

DF: Great, and would you be willing to stay on the line for a short survey about the service today?

W: Haha…

DF: Isn’t it fun only having yourself to report to?

W: …as well as the whole world to report to?

DF: Totally. Tomorrow then?

W: Yes. Thank you, Father.

W: You are so welcome.

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

Vulner-ability: The Ability To Be Hurt – Divine Father Dialogues Day 24

Wayne's Mandala

DF: Hey Wayne, I can feel you aching over something. Would you like to talk?

W: Thank you, Father, yes, I would.

DF: What is it?

W: I’m feeling all that we talked about around curiosity lately, and a deep well of feeling is coming up for me.

DF: Please, tell me all about it.

W: It’s really been a lifelong feeling really, but it got pushed up around a couple email exchanges this past couple weeks. People from my past that I hadn’t spoken with in years contacted me, but in their contact didn’t ask a single question inquiring into my life. There wasn’t any curiosity about why we moved to Mexico, or how it was for Jillian and I since we, under pressure, left the group that they remained in until it disintegrated last month. There wasn’t an acknowledgment of Jillian having written a book about our experiences inside of the group. They felt they were exiting a cult like trance and one also apologized for past treatments of us at the time of our exit. The apology was meaningful, but that there doesn’t seem to be a desire for any further connection undergirding the apology, other than for a light facebook level of exchange, which to me feels like the opposite of intimacy. That feels so painful. It’s like part of them is saying ‘this is all you get of me.’ I wept and wept as I watered the garden this afternoon.

DF: Ouch, Wayne, I feel how deep this goes into your heart.

W: Thank you, Father, for feeling this ache in me. I so need to be felt in it. I know it’s related to my life path, since a teenager, always leaving early the circles I joined when I sensed that my desire for deeper community wasn’t able to be realized any further there. I accepted the growth I’d received in being in the group and the personal relationships I made inside, but acknowledged that the time had come to move on. I was surprised how crystal clear and unmistakable the guidance was for me at each of these moving on places.

DF: I feel your heart breaking, but breaking open. I’m so honored to be around a man who is willing to want and ache for more of what you know is out there.

W: I love feeling your honor, Thank you, and you’re right, I do know it is out there because I found it in my sacred friendship with Christopher and my sacred romance with Jillian. Part of what is hard to bear is to be in the deep goodness of what I have and not being felt by open hearted people outside of our connection, who can feel what I have. It’s more than just an opportunity for sharing. It’s the magic of feeling a heart open other feel me, and me getting to feel that in real time.

DF: I feel how it has been like a lifelong search for true family for you, Wayne. I feel too how you honor each setting you were engaged in rather than have any disdain for what the universe brought you. In that, there is a sacred recognition that you needed the time that you did in each setting you were invested in.

W: Yes, the investment needed to be fully in. Anything less would only have been to wallow in something, and to lack the movement that the relationship was meant to give me. When you speak to me not having disdain, that’s a tricky one, because I do have frustrations and even judgments towards people I have been close with in the past.

DF: But the difference is that in your judgment and frustration, there isn’t a superiorizing, or a withholding of love. Part of coming to terms with realness is accepting that everyone has tons of judgments going on, both negative and positive towards those they are in relationship with. It’s not the judgments that hinder a relationship, it’s the disowning of them, and pretending they aren’t there.

W: And it feels like that the only way to not be stuck in superiorizing and withholding love is be honest and transparent about the judgments. It’s impossible to not have judgments; it’s what we do with the judgments that make for a closed or an open heart.

DF: There’s an ocean of wisdom in that for anyone ready to take it in, and a lifetime of practice for the one who wants to come into more and more realness.

W: If they are ready for the immediate and relentless life changes it will bring to them.

DF: Yes, let’s don’t forget the price tag. This is about conditional love, that’s love with a cost and a price, that isn’t free. Where we started feeling today is the ache in you that you were willing to feel. That willingness both earned you something and cost you something. All of this praise for unconditional love is one big smokescreen of the emotional cripple who is demanding that his mommy keep looking after him, but he’s in his forties now and he actually needs to look after himself.

W: And what else it does is, Father, is to keep our very real judgments in all of our relating somehow off the radar, and unprocessed.

DF: In one big toxic soup of relationship called family.

W: Okay, there’s a judgment right there.

DF: And did you have a judgment about my judgment?

W: I had a bit of a reaction of imagining people choking on your choice of words, putting down family.

DF: And I have a bit of a reaction to your reaction, Wayne, because I actually have real love and respect for family that those who claim to be in defense of it actually can’t embody because of their falseness of being.

W: I agree, thank you, and it’s interesting, you defended your truth with another judgment.

DF: We are all so full of judgments that any strategy of sidestepping the judgments we have towards others and those coming at us from others is just plain infantile. There you go, another judgment.

W: We have been immune to reality in our picture of what relationship is. Relationship is something that gets its’ reality by being in reference to something from which it draws it sense of reality. Real relationships reference transparency and honesty as their guiding light. False relationships reference their sense of realness to politeness and obscurity, which kills intimacy. Then relationship itself becomes another drug to medicate the pain of what’s missing in the relationship.

DF: We’re waxing a clarity here, Wayne, and that feels important, to break through the falseness and create a safe and sacred place to begin anew.

W: I feel that, so much, Father, because as we are having this dialogue, I am still feeling the raw place in me that aches to have this something new that we are describing as missing. Do you think it’s safe for me to be putting this on-line and making it public?

DF: I do and I’ll tell you why. Your boundaries have grown to a place where you know what you will and will not settle for in relationship. That’s where the safety comes from. That’s not authority over anyone else, where you can demand anything. This is authority over your self that makes you the author of your self alone, where the entire story coming from your life, you take accountability for. Story telling is giving account after all. My sense for you is that if you weren’t willing to lead this out loud and in public, you wouldn’t be in your self-authority, you’d be living someone else’s reality.

W: When you say ‘leading this out loud,’ what do you mean by ‘this’?

DF: Embodying vulnerability. Nothing more, nothing less.

W: And how do you define vulnerability?

DF: Being vulnerable is being woundable. Only someone who can actually be hurt and feel the hurt is in an open hearted place. Only to the degree that someone has received love and healing of past hurts is the degree that they can bear the possibility of new hurt, which is being in relationship open-heartedly.

W: And how is that not being a doormat?

DF: It is only as a person hasn’t yet felt their own hurts that they are capable of hurting others, as well as being hurt. The self worth and self authorship that comes to a person healing the hurt inside causes them to no longer draw or accept hurtful behavior in relationships. They know both when to enter and when to leave a relationship. The person who is letting others hurt them repeatedly is actually trying to become vulnerable to having a feeling experience of their own hurt inside of them, that can move them towards true healing.

W: I like learning more about being open hearted, being willing to be hurt, and yet not being okay with being hurt when the other won’t take accountability.

DF: or be okay when someone won’t seek to match you in vulnerability.

W: This so gets to the criteria for a healthy relationship.

DF: And a whole lot of fun, if you’re ready for it.

W: Thank you, Father. I’m ready for some more fun.

DF: Good, then get ready for it.

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.

The Cult Of Family: Dialogues With Divine Father Day 23


Wayne's Mandala

W: Hello again, Divine Father.

DF: Hello again, Wayne.

W: I wondered, Father, if we have more to talk about regarding cults.

DF: I’ll bet we do.

W: Okay, let’s go there then.

DF: What about the family cult, Wayne?

W: The family cult is the first cult we join and as such is so engrossing, that we are so embedded in it, within our larger cult of society.

DF: I think maybe you need to lead this on a personal note, Wayne, to make it more real for anyone reading this. Tell a bit of your story around family if you feel okay doing that.

W: Okay. I think I can do that. For a number of years now, I have had almost no interaction with any family. It was not the typical ‘we don’t see eye to eye on things’ that led us apart. It was me advocating for change within the family dynamic, while letting go of the faith I was raised in. My mother tried to keep that together by suggesting we all could get along in the midst of our differences. Which essentially meant, still being apart of family gatherings and just not talking about any of the differences. With me leaving the Christian faith, and in their judgments of me, and me being in judgment of them for being so unwilling to look beyond their borders, it left us only in clash, covered over with a polite, but toxic pleasantness.

DF: What’s been the difficult part of your choices?

W: I chose to leave the family cult, but I didn’t want to leave any one of them. I was attached to them, and largely couldn’t imagine my life without them. I raised my daughters into their late teens with the hope and desire that these would be two treasured women enriching my life into my mid life and golden years. The family connection spread through parents, grandparents, sons and daughters, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews was and is a potent connection with many nourishing things that I to this day miss, but also with a huge toxic element that I am relieved to no longer be a part of. The difficult part of my choices has been knowing that in all likelihood, most wouldn’t be able to join me on my journey, and with me not willing to be any longer in any kind of falseness with them, that this meant parting paths. This means lovingly letting them go, and letting my bond with them go, but with an open door.

DF: Say more about the open door.

W: The door is open in that I would welcome contact from any family member if there were genuine curiosity and respect for me, including my choices and values. This is the same condition that I wish that they would hold for themselves in every relationship they have.

DF: Can you say more about what it’s like now for you to be in life without the family connection?

W: I feel a peacefulness inside of myself, as well as a love for each one of them. There isn’t the conflictual tugging on each other.

DF: So why is family rated so highly, Wayne, when admittedly most find it so hard to tolerate, and even dislike with a passion?

W: This feels like an interview, Father, I think I feel your tack here and I’m really enjoying your interested questions, and your desire I feel to put this out there for anyone ready to embrace it.

DF: Nothing like the learning that occurs in the university of true curiosity in relationality.

W: I feel the death grip we have on the family cult and why it is so pervasive has to do with the deepest vulnerability of being human. We are clearly meant to be in family. It’s just that if we settle for the current working definition of family, that only ensures that we will never be a part of true family.

DF: Why’s that?

W: It’s interesting that the word family and familiar are so close in origin, yet the energy of family is conformity to belong rather inquiry into individual uniqueness, which would lead to real familiarity with oneself. For the individual to grow, they must chose to become familiar with themselves outside of the family. I feel why family as we know it today is so praised and so valued and revered in and across our many cultures is that it serves as the perfect excuse for the individual not to grow, to not risk, to stay safe where they are.

DF: Wayne, okay, now you’re tweaking me so much I have to jump in.

W: Good, I was feeling a bit wordy.

DF: What I wanted to add was that only as an individual is in exploration with themself, or as you and I like to say, with themselves, as in getting to know their parts, are they out of the flat line existence where they have something alive to bring to relationship.

W: …where they could be valued as interesting and meaningful because they are contributing to something alive instead of cosigning a pact to stay dead as is the case of what we agreed is family today.

DF: Co-signing a pact to stay in deadness. Is it really that stark, Wayne, to you?

W: From my experience, and inside of me, it is nothing less than that. All wounding and all healing happens inside of relationship, and as we said yesterday, all relationships are in fact a cult unto themselves. It will take new cults and new relationships to take us out of the old and into the new. I feel I have inhabited that and lived my way into that to prove it to myself, and offer a landing place to anyone else who feels this is also their truth and who’d like to live into this reality for themselves. And you know what, Father?

DF: What?

W: Christopher has prepared dinner, and I’m hungry.

DF: This was perfect, Wayne, go eat. We’ll pick up soon.

W: Thank you, Father, for the interview.

DF: You’re welcome.

Wayne Vriend is a co-founder of Soulfullheart Community, healer and author of 90 Days With Yeshua. Visit soulfullheart.com for more information.