By Kathleen Calder
Today I am sharing a conversation I had with the Divine Mother yesterday. I’ve been feeling part of me holding frustration around lack of knowledge during this phase of huge change and transition. It has felt like a battle inside me to find a way to know what I can’t right now, but also a way to grab at power. It feels like another skin I’m shedding of my western-conditioning that “knowledge is power” and also an attempt to save face during a time when so much of my old self-image needs to fall away. That’s actually the gift I can feel in needing to learn a new language…when you don’t have the words to convince others of who you are, or think you are, then all you are left with is your energy and heart-response. All of us in SoulFullHeart have noticed this type of communication transacting between us and the Mexicans we have interacted with so far. I feel both the gift and the stress of this and that is what’s real.
I feel the same thing when it comes to this idea of homesteading and finding our way in a fairly remote ecovillage. If I can continue finding my humility around learning, I will find my joy even in the trial-and-error gardening we are about to embark on. My desire is to start feeling less self-punishment around making mistakes and also to surrender even deeper to the lessons the Earth itself wants to teach me. Something my soul remembers doing once upon a time, but I have forgotten about in my upbringing in western culture.
Kathleen: Mother, it feels like any “know-it-all”-ness from me lately is based in being afraid to surrender to not knowing…and risking feeling “stupid” or “behind where I should be”. I can’t help but feel tension around it…and especially around not being able to communicate…and hardly feeling the energy to try to show up even for trying anymore. I feel Lex (my Daemon) very up around this.
Divine Mother: I’m glad you are bringing this to me, Kathleen. It feels like an extension of our previous conversation.
K: Yes, totally. Is there a deeper piece to uncover, here? I’d much rather feel the joy of learning than all this tension…
DM: My dearest…in childhood, do you remember what learning felt like?
K: …It felt like having to go through feeling stupid and embarrassed first. Ridicule. Heated arguments and debates.
DM: Yes, unfortunately there is so much ego held by “teachers” and parental figures. Yet the way to ease your own charge about being in what is basically an infant-like learning stage again does not come from holding false humility and pretending you are void of all knowledge. It is your relationship to learning and the holding of knowledge now that is being burned away, day by day. If you can start to feel the vulnerability of learning and the pain you or part of you is defending around it, as you have begun to now, you will find your way to healing your reasons for holding that charge you feel.
K: I can almost picture the walls put up around my real vulnerability in this. I feel part of the gift of finding that vulnerability is finding what my real needs are. Like, for instance, admitting when I don’t quite understand what a native Spanish speaker is saying to me and asking them to speak slower if they can so I can practice and learn…
DM: Yes! See, what you are getting to now is what the real learning is. That will open up more doors for you than simply learning more Spanish in the process. It is a process, like anything else! Lex is welcome to come forward if she would like to talk more about what she holds around this. Perhaps for another day? (…I do welcome you to publish this conversation if you feel ready to).
K: Ah…yes, I was considering that, since there is definitely a piece in here that feels universal, especially during this time of collapse and human evolution. Feels like we can’t let in any evolution unless we are willing to become humble students and not “masters” of our world…
DM: Well said, my daughter! So young and yet with such a powerful soul-memory…I know sometimes it is hard that others cannot see this about you at times. But true power and wisdom need not be demonstrated outwardly so much as held inwardly.
K: Something I feel the others in SoulFullHeart do very well. Jillian especially, as a woman, amazes me with her lack of outbound power-grabbing and over-demonstration of power. That makes her the most powerful-feeling woman I’ve ever met.
DM: Watch that you do not render yourself powerless even though I do welcome your humility in looking to her for templating. She needs you to teach her at times too and there is so much you yourself are powerfully showing up for without even realizing it fully or at all. That, to me, is the essence of a truly powerful woman.
K: Okay, I need to work on letting that in now…
Thank you for seeing me Mother, though others (or I) may not.
DM: Always, Kathleen. Always. :)
Kathleen Calder has been embracing the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life since January, 2012.