Welcoming The Peaks And Valleys Of Awakening

by Raphael Awen

You can have what you want. That’s not actually the question.

The bigger question is about being ready to have what you want.

A part of you may readily say ‘oh, believe me, I’m ready! I’m so ready, I’m getting both depressed and impatient waiting to have what I really want.’

But this is only taking into consideration one part of you. Other parts of you can be just off your radar and actively resisting you (or what we call ‘you’) as they are not interested at all in these big changes ‘you’ feel you are so ready for. This resistive part of you is not something you can control, but it is something that you are responsible for, and something that you need to become responsive to.

Then, there is also another aspect of you, that is probably also just off your radar and that is your higher self. Your higher self may have chosen a preferred path of difficulty and going without something that another part of you deeply desires in order to learn and grow through a difficulty. It wouldn’t actually be a growth crucible without this tension between what ‘you’ want and don’t want. Your higher self is also something you cannot control, but it is something you are responsible for and that you also need to become more responsive to.

You are not a victim. Your life as you know it now is shaped by you, and the life you will come to know in the future is also shaped by you.

Your life as it is right now, warts and all, is perfect in the midst of imperfection. You are perfect while growing and learning. All the angst, pain and confusion is sacred. You had so much heaven that you needed to dial up hell in order to grow. Your soul loved the heaven it knew, but it also wanted more, and it knew the path to more was though the tension of less.

Consciously letting go of reaching for peak experiences and instead welcoming your awaiting valley experiences is what your soul may be asking of you. You may have very much needed your awakening experiences that happened through the peak experiences to let you know what is possible and what awaits you. But now, your soul wants you to let go of what a part of you may be be in danger of becoming quite addicted to, in order now to more consciously connect to what you actually came here for.

Whether conscious or not, you can’t escape growth. Growth is built into the DNA of the universe that you are a part of. While you can’t escape growth, you can accept your awakening to what is, and even the need to mourn the loss of your deep night’s rest in the 3D fusion of unconsciousness.

Now, as you are awakening, you are offered a conscious choice that your path up, is a path down. The downward path is a matter of feeling all there is to feel that you were not able to feel while asleep in 3D consciousness.

This will involve feeling crappy on a regular basis for a good amount of time. If this isn’t an option for ‘you’, then you are not yet ready for this deeper more conscious path of healing, but you can be assured, all of us will be invited and re-invited to return here just as soon and we are ready to. It is what we came here for. We came here to ascend with all of us, without any ‘lesser’ parts of us left behind being punished for any insubordination, or for just not getting the program.

Time now to look at what we’ve called ‘spiritual practices’ to feel where they are actually about transcending in the name of ascending, where they are about not feeling, rather than true healing.

We all come eventually to having what we most deeply want, with the fullest and deepest bliss that we can’t quite imagine. We are living our way to being able to imagine it as we feel and heal the parts of us still in deep pain that were covered over with our positive spirituality agendas.

Time now for a negative spirituality agenda that sees it all as sacred.

Raphael Awen

~

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.  Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc. 

Meeting Your Inner Orphan

Photo courtesy of https://unsplash.com/@benwhitephotography

By Raphael Awen

What we relate to as suffering, the Divine is passionately interested in. Divinity knew bliss, but had no sense of challenge or difficulty; and thus, no movement.

We feel something as deeply moving because that something flows in between the familiar tension we hold in our being of bliss and it’s loss.

We are the Divine out experiencing movement, growth, challenge and difficulty, all of which the Divine couldn’t know or feel were it not for its choice and our souls agreement to individuate itself into many gods – you and I.

Yes, you and I are saddled with godhood. And this explains our base tones of anxiety and fear. We knew and hold in our being remembrance of there being no separation, no veil of forgetting, no sense of any paradise lost.

This past week, I had a very moving encounter where I felt that it was time for me to formally meet my Inner Orphan Self – this core aspect of my soul who holds all of these tensions; this core aspect of my soul, out of which is born in this life, the Inner Child and Inner Teenager – both of whom are shaped and formed from the Inner Orphan soul aspect.

I simply tuned in Yeshua as a beloved guide, and dialed in a Golden Earth setting, and there in the magical outdoors, was Yeshua crouched down about 8 or 10 feet away, holding upright a (soon to be) eager toddler, who he then let go, as this beautiful baby focused his gaze on me and began to take his first steps crossing the space between us. Midway across, the name Bartholomew came as plain as day. I received him into my arms, and he readily received me. I intuitively knew that this Bartholomew would change my life, that holding him would require all the rigors of true parenthood and presence of being that this Orphan would need to transmute the pain in his heart, allowing both him and I to shift our destiny and to embody what we intended when we set out on our journey of ‘leaving’ the Divine.

This ache of loss held in the Inner Orphan soul aspect is the juice and the portal back to full embodiment, full familiarity, full familial fidelity. We long to return to soar in the heavens and so the Divine gives us the role of parent, re-parenting our own soul aspects as the very portal back to that which we lost only in experience, reassuring us that we never lost the actual possession or birthright of our full godhood.

In the days that followed this experience, I have surely felt a conscious vulnerability and arising of base fears and anxieties, along with deep tears – feeling so small. I have also felt a ‘me’ there who could handle and show up for all of it, as well as the Divine’s confidence in me and gratitude to me for my desire and willingness – that even now as I write these words, I feel a welling up of this support and energy.

I offer support and space holding and process within session space as a SoulFullHeart facilitator to others who wish to undertake such a journey, but it isn’t from any expert place of one who has ‘healed’ their anxiety and thus who has transcended their anxiety, or their depression, or their fear, but rather as one who has welcomed their fear, anxiety and depression. Quite the opposite, at many times, embracing this portal into pain has left parts of me seriously wondering if I hadn’t bit off more than I could chew. I can tell you that time and time again, I continue to come out the other side into newfound joy and range of being – what I see and feel as real transmutation of my being. This in turn only appetizes me for more and makes any ‘attainment’ look and feel like kindergarten all over again as I feel like a bigger beginner every time some ground or embodiment is gained.

Isn’t that what is really to be expected in an infinite love reality? Any and all progress measurement is swallowed up by love’s infinity. You get to be in infinite love if you’re willing to give up your stamp of certification of being anything other than part of this infinity. Certificates only look good on really boring office walls anyway. I’d so much rather know and feel real adventure out in the forest, the city and Golden Earth, with Yeshua, the Divine Mother, and The Divine Father.

Look for me and Bartholomew out and about feeling love and life anew in many ways for the first time. His name meaning is ‘Son of the Ploughman’ which so surprised me as I felt the plough as that which opens and prepares the earth to receive seed – it is through our wounding that the divine seed enters – ensuring that we will never lose our way – even through the deepest loss imaginable. We are ensured that all consciousness is finding its way back to all that it ever was and even being expanded out to more in the process.

That kind of starts to explain the hell you’ve journeyed through, or quite possibly feel like you are journeying through right now, yes? Doesn’t this speak also to the part of you who is more set on only ‘moving forward’ who doesn’t want to cry over spilt milk, who doesn’t want to get lost again in the world of feeling? This part of you will also need your showing up to negotiate the exploration and true healing journey your soul came here to undertake.

My truth is that we all individuated out of the Divine and came here to feel it all, even to get lost in it, so that we could be found by love, and in so doing, be truly of the greatest service to all of love and life.

Thank you for feeling me and for feeling yourself. 🙂💚😇

Much love,
Raphael Awen
Soulfullheartwayoflife.Com/sessions

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.  Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc. Visit our Patreon Page to send us love in the form of money: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart 🙂

Going In Guided Meditation: Inspire Video Series | Raphael Awen

Going In Guided Meditation: Inspire Video Series | Raphael Awen

 

By Raphael Awen

I am Raphael Awen, SoulFullHeart Facilitator and Teacher, and I so hope you’ll join me for this free video series called ‘Inspire’ that I’m launching with this first video. This is day one entitled ‘Going In’.

I’ve been guided to steer more towards video than the written word – to undertake a journey with you of deep mutual growth and expansion of what it feels like to be human! Each video will be a real time open and honest look at growth, at desire, at inspiration, and what stands in our way to inhabiting that more and more.

Each video will feature a guided meditation as well. Today’s guided meditation begins at the 14:00 mark. The meditation takes you to a feeling doorway to your inner world to begin to feel and notice what your inner world presently is about.

Please forgive that the video cuts off just before I got to say good bye 😕 Still getting the tech sorted out.

I will be so grateful to feel you finding genuine breakthroughs and going-on places for yourself. Much love, Raphael Awen

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The Expanding Gap During Awakening

By Raphael Awen

As our consciousness expands and the veil lifts more and more for each of us, it’s important to feel the part of you who very understandably may be feeling overwhelmed by the expanding gap of where you perceive yourself to be in your everyday life and where you desire to be.

This gap between the two is said to be where all growth and even meaning comes from. It’s where we get our motivation from to reach for more. At root, it is love inviting us into more. Life is essentially about this gap.

But this gap can also be used by a part of us to self inflict judgments. Part(s) of us, it seems feel it necessary to slow this process of awakening by using self punishment for fear we won’t be able to bear it.

I felt several mental trajectories this week about how I was or wasn’t spending my time or money, what I was or wasn’t eating, about how present I was or wasn’t to the moment, etc. As I found space to feel the undertone of self judgment, I could so lovingly feel the part of me reaching for some handrails in the midst of this accelerated growth phase. I had sweet tears as I connected with this part of me and it’s reaction/digestion of so many recent changes going on in my life.

You and I are truly such amazing beings, beyond what we’ve ever dreamed, where even our wildest dreams and even convictions about more only begin to scratch the surface. If that’s true, then it really makes sense that there’s some ongoing inner negotiation and ambassadorship necessary to hold all this from blowing apart.

Photo courtesy of https://unsplash.com/@joshuaearle

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life.  Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions, events, videos, etc. Visit our donations page to offer a monthly or one time money donation to support our offerings.

Healing Your Relationship To Depression: SoulFullHeart Weekly Museletter (Aug 27, 2018)

It’s the release of our weekly Museletter! Offering ALL of our writings, videos, events, healing offerings, and audio blogs for the week. Go read it here!

This week, SoulFullHeart teacher and Facilitator, Gabriel Heartman, penned a piece about relating to what you may have been calling your ‘depression’ for many years now, in a different way. He offers that working with the parts of you that feel and hold the depression gives you a new way to feel about it and a profound way to heal it deeply:

“It is time to treat it as an ally and a guide. A dynamic that is happening inside of you. Not ignoring it, but de-energizing the power of the word itself. It is a series and sum of feelings that have been balled up into a density that is extremely heavy. But when related to differently and with a willingness to feel those individual parts of it, will you then be able to get beyond its gravitational pull and into what it is meant to offer you.”

A few new writings are offered this week from Raphael and Jelelle Awen, Kalayna Colibri, and Gabriel Heartman, that digest current energy waves, sacred community, the ways in which we can relate to ourselves and our parts, and different ways to think about your spiritual and healing path.

You’ll find several new audio blog recordings as well.

Raphael, Jelelle and Gabriel offer 1:1 90min Bridging Sessions to help boost and digest your Ascension process and feel with you what your next steps are towards your highest timeline possibilities. These sessions are available for $77 USD min. donation per session. More information can be found here: soulfullheartwayoflife.com/bridging-session

We love to share our offerings with you and would enjoy to receive whatever heart donation in the form of money you feel that resonates with our offerings. You can go to our donation page for more info on how to donate: http://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/donations

Thank you so much for your interest in and support of SoulFullHeart Way of Life! If you’d like to receive these Museletters directly and automatically in your email every week, you can subscribe on our website at: soulfullheartwayoflife.com/writingmuseletters

Check out the latest Museletter here.

Journal To The Demiurge – Day 1

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen Day 1

By Raphael Awen

I have been guided to undertake a journaling journey of an ambassadorship to connect with the Demiurge. The Demiurge is the Christian male ‘God’, who is also known as Jehovah or Yahweh in the Bible.

The Gnostics, whose writings were discovered in 1945 at a place called Nag Hamadi in upper Egypt, brought to us many new gospels that were not included in the Christian Bible and it was they who, following Platonic philosophy, related to the Christian ‘Yahweh’ as the ‘Demiurge’. This term ‘Demiurge’ is taken from Latin words meaning the ‘artisan, producer, or creator’. This creator of the material world sought to rule with dominance and required duty and obligation as its main offering of how to form a relationship with itself. The 4th century Roman version of Christianity, then crafted Jesus into this need for blood sacrifice required by the Demiurge, leaving Christian followers under a strong dominance of duty and control, aligning quite well with the Roman agenda.

I know the Christian God very well from a Christian perspective, having journeyed through my childhood along with 26 adult years as a devout Christian before I came to finally and openly renounce ‘Jesus as my personal savior’ in 2005, and from there to re-feel my entire relationship with ‘God’ or the Divine.

Please join me now as I feel called to set out through a daily journal journey to create an Ambassadorship from within to meet with and communicate with this Demiurge, Yahweh, or Jehovah.

What will we find? I truly don’t know, but I so want to find out, and I’m being supported to undertake this journey, feeling my trepidation as I go.

Your reading and feeling this journey with me as it unfolds daily will create the vehicle of approach, kind of like signatures on a petition to gain audience with a King. Your participation along with mine, changes the journey, as well as the outcome.

Here is day one, launched on this auspicious solstice day:

~

Raphael: This is Raphael. I’d like to connect with my highest and most familiar guides, Archangel Metatron and Merlin, my Unicorn, to inquire about guidance to form an Ambassadorship to the Demiurge, or whom the Christians know as Yahweh, or Jehovah. Metatron, and Merlin, will you speak with me?

Metatron: Yes, Raphael. It feels good to connect with you, and with what desires are brewing for you. What are you feeling?

Raphael: This desire has arisen in me in the form of an idea, a mental contemplation, along with a curious desire to explore, and to really change my world and experience, yet further. This idea is expanding to feel like guidance and a calling. Then comes doubts and questions. Do I know what I’m getting myself into? Do I really want to mess with the Demiurge? Then I feel all the lifetimes and time this life I have dedicated to Yahweh, how familiar I am with his temple worship and communities, and it feels quite doable, somehow. Part of me does wonder though what preparations or confirmations I should gather prior to undertaking such a quest.

Metatron: Raphael, this is a worthy quest, and a weighty one. It is worth all the preparation and guidance that you need. It is worth feeling through any and all resistance or fears that come from within, or without. I would be so honored to feel you and guide you every step of the way.

Raphael: Metatron, what can you even tell me about the Demiurge? Are you familiar with it? Do you feel it as a person, as an Archetype, as a collective consciousness? I’d like your take on that?

Metatron: Raphael, if I could answer that, there really would be no need to explore, would there? The short answer to your QUESTion is that even I don’t know. If I did, I could just share with you what I know and voila, problem solved. I am into supporting you and taking this journey with you. I, like you, can feel the Demiurge as a powerful dominating energy that has suppressed humanity and your planet into a sleepy slumber in prolonged forgetfulness. I know that it feeds off of people’s worship and surrender to it, and that it is never satiated, always wanting and needing more like an addict.

Raphael: Like it’s wanting and needing an intervention of some kind?

Metatron: It’s wanting and needing something, that’s for sure. It has been center stage in humanity’s consciousness and subconsciousness seeking immortality. If it is ready to make or entertain change, then that would be so cool to assist it with.

Raphael: It doesn’t sound like you feel afraid of it?

Metatron: I respect it. I know it has power, but I don’t fear it. If I feared it, I could not reach out to it.

Raphael: How is it that you don’t fear this powerful being or energy?

Metatron: I come in service of love, from which all consciousness, even that which polarized to dark or evil energies, gets its authorization. Love is the author of all. My truth is that there is no real evil, only that which hasn’t yet experienced the feeling of love as an energy. If something negative ‘happens’ to me, it happens to me under the authorization and permission of love, for me to learn and feel something that I haven’t felt yet, and need to feel.

Raphael: Is there still stuff you need to feel?

Metatron: Feel and Heal is still the Deal, Raphael. That is the journey back to source. I’m still not sure what happens when and if we are ever done with that, but like you, I’m curious as hell.

Raphael: Hell is curious isn’t it? and so is Heaven. They both want to know and feel more.

Metatron: That’s like the itch of consciousness itself, expressed in every expression of consciousness, including the time and space domains.

Raphael: I’m liking how easy it feels to connect with you.

Metatron: Good, because we’re going to need to get comfortable if we are going to undertake this mission together.

Raphael: Which I haven’t officially declared yet, still baking on the guidance and gathering the energy in my desire body I’d call it, and calling in all favors too from you and Merlin.

Metatron: I’m curious what Merlin has to say?

Raphael: Me too, Merlin, what say you? If that’s enough intro for you?

Merlin: Whoah, a freakin’ journey to the Demiurge with Raphael and Metatron. I’m in!

Raphael: That easy? No concerns or hesitations?

Merlin: What’s there to lose, Raphael?

Raphael: As I feel this QUESTion in your familiar presence and broadcasting energy field, Merlin, I can feel there is a whole lot to lose, here in the earth zone, which we’ve been waiting and wanting to lose for an awful long time, which makes all of the losses gains. I can feel though that life as we’ve known it, personally and collectively, would have huge shifts internally and externally if this were to shift, and this can feel like genuine deep losses for the parts of us attached to life as we’ve known it, regardless of how much suffering there is in what is being given up.

Merlin: Now I’m taking in your broadcast energy field Raphael… I’m sorry for the intense pain you and your fellow humans have felt under the Demiurge’s reign. I don’t get to feel that much as I don’t live in that energy. It feels so sad, now that I feel it….so much time stretched out to magnify this feeling.

Raphael: Maybe, Merlin, what you and I are feeling is being broadcast from the unfelt heart of the Demiurge itself, the emptiness, a universe-sized heart cry expressing in a compensational need to have dominion as a placeholder in love’s absence?

Merlin: THAT,…finding out what is or isn’t true about that would be worth all the worth there is, I’d say.

Raphael: You have a way of making your point.

Merlin: funny, and true!

Raphael: Wow, Merlin and Metatron, as we are connecting about this, I so feel it expanding in me. I so need the journal pieces here, one line and word, one feeling at a time to let this in.

Metatron: What’s going in, Raphael?

Raphael: A desire to undertake this journey…, to gather all the necessary resources and do it. I so feel bored with anything less, truth be told. I’ve lived lifetimes, as well as 26 adult years of life, this life, up until 12 years go, dedicated to the Christian God, and have come to feel suspect of his origins, how he/it co-opted our innate connection to source. All of this moving in me is coming from a recent deepening with my Gatekeeper, named Rhodes, whom I feel to introduce tomorrow, and allow all this intention and desire to bake.

Metatron: This journey is so worth all the time and process it takes. I so want to feel Rhodes take on all this too.

Raphael: How do you feel Metatron about sharing this journey in real time?

Metatron: You are speaking my language now, Raphael. I so feel that it has traction and realness when it is felt and digested in more hearts. This is a big collective piece of wounding and it needs a big collective heart to create an Ambassadorship to it. It’s a collective heartache wounding that can only heal collectively. Without mounting a posse of hearts, there isn’t enough substance to bridge to the dimension where this pain lives. Sharing this with supportive and open hearts will create this.

Raphael: And sharing it publicly also puts it out there for those, human and not, who are invested with the Demiurge to see it too, right?

Metatron: It’s only fair to let them all know we wish audience, to let them acclimate to where we are coming from. Better they see us coming than taking anyone by surprise. We have nothing to hide.

Raphael: I can tell you wish to say something Merlin, you’re broadcasting again…

Merlin: I am?…ah, yeah, that’s what I do, don’t I? The universe is waiting is what I’m feeling. My god! We get to do this…., really. Holeeee! Can you tell, I’ve wanted to do this since my teenage years in earth life. This is going to take me back to where I can’t even know right now. And that’s what makes it so worth it. This has waited till such a time as this, and till such a heart as yours Raphael, could lead the way. We haven’t had the emotional heart porosity that real ambassadorship is about, but we do now, in you.

Raphael: I do have to wade through some 3D senses of myself in order to let in your perspective of me, but I can feel the truth of what you speak to, Merlin. I have journeyed to open my heart out of a conscious hunger for love, and feel called to share this, even enough to self authorize.

Merlin: Which is the only true authority there is, that which flows from the universe and rings true in one’s own heart. No one can certify you in this. It’s either true for you, or it’s not. After all, it’s you that needs to walk it out, not an organization or a governing hierarchy. That’s the way of the Demiurge that we need to gain audience with.

Raphael: Okay, I’m feeling to take this up again tomorrow, to allow this to digest, and to let in more confirmation and guidance. Standby all, and deepest gratitude for this cocreation.

~ Join me tomorrow for this continuing journey! ~

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit  www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

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Day 2 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen Day 2

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 2. For Day 1, and the entire ongoing series, go here: https://goo.gl/CgrWXZ)

Raphael: Good Morning team. It’s December 22, day 2 of the New Year, if we go by the Solstice Calendar that is, always a special time of the year for me, and it’s day 2 of the Journal to the Demiurge. And I have 2 questions: ‘Is everyone awake?’, and ‘what are you feeling about this journey?’

Metatron: Raphael, this is Metatron. I was awake and sorting my pack for some time already. I’m feeling this is real. This may feel like an epic tale to some, but we are actually creating this. It’s a real tale.

Merlin: This is Merlin, I agree with Metatron. I’m as awake as can be, and I’m feeling very excited.

Raphael: Okay, that explains all the energy moving through me, or at least a big part of it. There’s another part I need to bring on board, into this intentional space, that I mentioned yesterday, and that’s Rhodes, my Gatekeeper. But before I make his introduction, I need to acknowledge the others joining us for this multidimensional journey. There is an audience, in the truest sense of the word, who are auditing this journey, coming with us, in this beyond time and space auditorium of resonance. The seats are filling up and I want to do this together with them. I’ve specifically invited them and will keep inviting. This is humanity’s journey. We gave our power to the Demiurge, and it’s us who need to lead an ambassadorship to negotiate that back. I want to ask each of you to include this auditorium of hearts and souls as we go.

Now, allow me to introduce Rhodes. Rhodes is whom I call my Gatekeeper. A Gatekeeper is the higher dimensional part of us that relates to our lives from a place beyond 3D time and space. They hold our access to many gifts and our awakening relationship with the divine that we and they are. As we heal more and more of our 3D emotional wounding from the 3D life we are in, the Gatekeeper arises naturally leading us through transitional 4D and beyond into the 5D domains of our Higher Self. I believe we all have one, or more. It seems versions of them arise and fall beautifully through our lives, into accessing more of what we truly are in our higher, and ever higher, essence. We call them a Gatekeeper because they also hold access to our remembrance of what I call our Metasoul, the source we came from after we individuated off the Divine. We get to awaken alongside our Gatekeepers and enter an exchange with them that is as unlimited as we are ready to let in.

I met Rhodes through an intense death and rebirth feeling toned intensity that rumbled through an epic, but manageable meltdown in my life just a couple of months ago. Since then, he has been acclimating to me and me to him. We can both feel we have deepenings to explore and feel and remember together and we want to feel it all as we go. I feel Rhodes as the backbone of this journey, and I want to ask him to introduce himself.

I’m very, very proud, glad, excited, and honored to introduce you Rhodes. So Rhodes,… please…

Rhodes: Hello everyone. I’m touched to be here and be on this journey with you. I’ve been quite hidden and under the radar, intertwined in Raphael’s life and journey until recently. I’ve been getting comfortable with being differentiated, comfortable with Raphael and then a few souls beyond. This is like being in a room of very bright lights, but in a good way, though I may need my sunglasses at times.

To our task at hand, I felt Metatron and Merlin juicing myself and Raphael with this idea and it felt like it has been baking not only for the past weeks, but for something outside of time. I have felt my own suppression being under the rule of the Demiurge, and have come to feel how it reflects a self imposed rule that I placed over myself. That rule and its domination is now coming to light and I, we, and any and all we can get to join us, are being invited to find our own versions of this self imposed hell, this penalty for sin, and to come to absolve ourselves by feeling a love we were heretofore unable to feel. That’s why I’m here. I have much to feel and heal, and I want every bit of it. Thank you so much for including me on this epic journey Raphael, which so gives us an adventure to get to know and feel each other deeper inside of. Thank you Merlin and Metatron. You both feel so amazing to me; A personal Unicorn and an Archangel, I want to sit at your feet, is all I can say… thank – you. And thank you to the gathering posse of hearts as Raphael refers to you. I am honored to be in each of your presence.

Raphael: There you go. The magic you feel when there is relational space to feel. Thank you Rhodes. I so look forward and backward too, to all we are, and were, and will be. It’s all true, and coming truer still.

Wow, okay, that’s a lot of goodness to feel.

Wow, what next?…

Metatron: You got this Raphael…

Raphael: Thank you Metatron. I feel like I’m getting a download from you and Merlin both right now, so I’ll just go with it. It feels like laying some groundwork for the mission at hand:

What I hear is that the Demiurge is a god of our own making. We created it individually and collectively. You could say we made him up in our imaginations, and in that, you would be both accurate and inaccurate. On one hand, yes, the Demiurge is a figment of our imagination, but that does not mean it isn’t real. Everything that has reality is a figment of some imagination. We need to wrap our hearts, and to whatever degree we can, wrap our minds around this relationship between the imagination and reality. Reality isn’t as real as we think it is, not in the ways we feel it to be.

I’m speaking this now to the parts of me who feel understandable trepidation about making a quest such as this. I, we, along with the present and past God seeking community have created this being out of our own imaginations, a fact created in our own personal and collective fact-ories. This God is as real as real can be, but if we created it, then it is up to us to take responsibility for what we created, and see what can shift and change and heal in reconnection. I believe there is only one source of every created thing, where even darkness, evil and suffering serve the journey of returning to love and expanding love in the process. If I didn’t feel this in my bones, I wouldn’t have the courage to lead this quest.

I believe the Demiurge is somewhere inside of itself looking for redemption, its own onward journey to the love that it is, and was, is sourced in, and may also be ready to feel remorse for the suffering and pain it has caused to feeling sentient creatures.

How’d I do Metatron?

Metatron: Absolute heavenly perfection, Raphael, near as I can tell, as you like to say.

Raphael: Merlin, what sayest thou? Pardon, me, I’m feeling a bit giddy with the juice in here.

Merlin: Let’s get this party started in here. I so honour this intention and the weight of it, AND I feel, the divine wants us to do this for the opposite motivation of duty and obligation. Duty and obligation is the Demiurge’s deal. The only valid motive for this is for the pure fun of it. We get to love. We get to feel. We get to enter the unknown.

Raphael: I’m so glad you’re on board with all this Merlin, because I don’t have it figured yet how we will even get to the Demiurge, let alone gain audience with him, but I suspect you and Rhodes will sort out the dimensional travel along with the audience we seek.

Merlin: We all will, Raphael, and I know none of us are coming back the same, including the whole posse of hearts, which are all needed for this to move what is ready and wanting to move.

Raphael: Reminds me of that song we sang in church ‘you won’t leave here, like you came, in Jesus name…’, and truth is we were all changed, and many of us changed so much so, event-ually, one event at a time, we found the untidy seams in the paradigm, where our hearts and minds were able to feel the hijack of our divinity being held in subjection to something foreign.

Metatron: You need to speak more to that Raphael, about those events you speak of.

Raphael: Thank you. Let’s do that, but let’s do that tomorrow. I’m feeling to let all this from today land in our gathering posse of hearts, and in my own heart some more, and what I’m feeling moving in Rhodes as well. This is urgent AND we have all the time in the world, as this is what time is for… feeling and healing.

Metatron: Okay, let’s hit the beach then for now and get some sun codes I say.

Raphael: Perfect, and we’ll all meet at this same cosmic address tomorrow. Thank you every ONE.

 

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit  www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Day 3 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen Day 3

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 3 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here: https://goo.gl/CgrWXZ)

Raphael: Good Morning team. Pardon me, I realized that I’m the only one on the team that needs to sleep…, well, me and the posse of hearts here too.

Metatron: Sleep is good, Raphael. You feel awake though.

Raphael: I so do. The past few years have felt challenging to parts of me having as much free time as I do, quite an adjustment from the busyness of life that I knew in other settings and times. But this journey before us is rumbling through me with a passion and an excitement. It’s 4:30 in the morning as I sit on the patio in the predawn thumbing away again on this iPad. Thank you for this joint mission.

Metatron: What do you feel about that on a deeper level?

Raphael: hmmm. I’m feeling how all my life, I, or the part of me living my life as me at that time, sought mission and purpose. God forbid, pardon the pun, that I would lead a meaningless life. This part of me, so wanted to escape boredom. I still feel I have aspects of my Metasoul that want to heal and feel that one through my present life story to this day. This was so much a part of the draw to Christianity, getting approval and purpose from thee creator, thee God, with a capital ‘g’, thee God of everything. Where this all lands in me in this moment is that I still feel we play a big role with our intentions and choice points about how we are going to relate to life.

Metatron: What’s your intention for today, for now?

Raphael: I feel, and I like starting my intentional statement with the words, ‘I feel’,… I feel I want to be intentional and conscious of everything I’m feeling as I’m feeling it. Am I feeling everything that’s moving through me and giving love to any place of fear, giving curiosity to any place of tension or hiding? Am I showing up for myself?

Metatron: Wow, there’s a new universe, right there! And certainly doesn’t sound like one ruled by the Demiurge!

Raphael: Yes! I still very much want aliveness, and juice flowing through my veins, but I want a different relationship with all of that inside of me. I get to feel, I like to say.

Metatron: We said we’d like to talk about your Christian journey and the events that led to its demise in you. This feels like a good time to get into that. The journey to the Demiurge will need us all being brought up to speed on some of this for sure.

Raphael: Okay. I get to story tell some. I like that. There are still parts of me that have pieces to feel and heal around all of this and so sharing is an opportunity to feel them, and this journey then gets to re-create the whole deal as well.

As I said, I so wanted purpose and mission. As a teen, I wanted to escape the aimlessness I felt around me and even in my family’s version of ‘Christianity light’, as I saw it at the time. I left the family denomination at 19, where I was already an active youth leader, in one fell swoop, decided to renounce my infant baptism, by choosing adult baptism, joined another non-denominational church and signed up for the full time Bible School they hosted. I had become really drawn to miracles, signs and wonders. I wanted something real, that I could feel. I felt how the longstanding family history in a denomination felt dead to me, culturally stuck, and sooo eternally  and damnably boring. I had sat through 2 church services every Sunday since I was a week or two old, and about the only thing I hated more was the dentist.

I recall as a young boy, around 5 years old, as spring had sprung and the snow had receded in northern British Columbia, the neighborhood boys were rounding up a group to go play baseball. I looked high and low for my treasured ball glove, but couldn’t find it. After I had looked everywhere, it dawned on me that ‘God knew where my ball glove was’. I paused and prayed to God to help me find my glove, then opened my eyes, resumed my search, and boom, there it was. ‘God’ was just a given in my reality.

At 17, I ‘knew I wasn’t living right’, and that ‘I would go to hell if I died’. The pot smoking and wanting to get my hands up a girls shirt were things that had to go. I was also living with a self diagnosis of suffering with a big ‘inferiority complex’ and depression. This was the moment I made my first cult switch, as I dropped my circle of friends overnight, and jumped into my family’s Christianity. I again bargained with God ‘that unless he delivered me from my inferiority complex, I wouldn’t amount to anything’ which is kind of funny now as I feel it. I kind of told God that he needed to cough up or he wasn’t going to get any goods out of me. The crazy thing though was about 3 weeks later, while out driving my dads car, it dawns on me that I had not had any deep depression feelings for that whole time. I sincerely believed that God had answered my desperate prayer and heart cry. My energy field shifted and it wasn’t long and I was President of the youth group at our church, and the inferiority subsided.

Merlin: Wow, Raphael. I think it would have been better had you managed to get your hands up more girls shirts.

Raphael: I know! right? Merlin, thanks for jumping in here. This can all use some breathing. Part of me so was afraid of my sexuality and my desires for mateship as well, that ‘giving it all to God’ felt like ‘the right thing to do’. Again, I pawned off onto God for safekeeping what I was afraid of, just like I was afraid of my inferiority and depression and needed to use God as a way to escape it.

I met a young woman at this time through some church youth volunteer mission work, and we found our way into a romance and I felt like my life went instantly from a 2 to 9.5 on a scale of 10. Sex was being ‘saved for marriage’, and this was any kind of ‘sex’ other than kissing. When she broke up with me 11 months later, I knew it had to do with me wandering from the family faith that we were both deeply a part of, and looking to greener pastures of more exciting forms of Christianity, even the dreaded Charismatic Movement. The day following our break up, my family was away on a weekend camping trip and I sat in the black lazy boy chair in the empty living room with the house to myself, and the well of tears wanted to come, but I was able to hold them, and the depression at bay. I called a friend instead to arrange to go for coffee. Something in me ‘knew that I knew’ not to go to that ocean of tears. I again called on God to deliver me from this pain. I managed to walk away unscathed on the surface. It would be not until 19 years later that I re-encountered my depression, finally able to self lovingly let it arise to the surface to begin feeling it. Wow, talk about an effective suppression strategy, and ‘God’ was at the center of it.

How am I doing Metatron? We felt to go to me sharing about the demise of my Christianity, and I’m taking the long road  to get there…

Metatron: You’re doing perfectly. How are you feeling as you are sharing this?

Raphael: I’m feeling a ton of compassion for the me who managed and lived all of that through, for the reasons I did. I can feel another version of me who could have been able to weep all those tears at that time of the deepest conscious loss of my life; the me who is here now. And that feels good.

Metatron: Your sharing feels good too. Please…

Raphael: So, then is about when I was preparing to jump ship again and trade in everything I had for the Charismatic Movement in Christianity. I so wanted to be able to ‘speak in tongues’ as they called it. I felt this was proof of the real power of God. I knew I was ‘saved’, and my fears of hell were well behind me now in the rear view mirror, but I so wanted to feel this miracle kind of experience. It was a bit of a long journey finally arriving at the moment where in response to a church altar call, I was essentially coached into being able to access prayer language, but what a glorious moment it was feeling this miracle of prayer language flow through me in all kinds of dialects and intonations that I could play with at will. I went home that night and prayed for another hour. I knew I was at a turning point.

After a few more months of logistics and gathering the courage, I knew it would have to be a tear-the-bandaid-off kind of approach. My father had said a few months prior that if I left the church, or got adult baptized, I’d have to move out of the house. I sat him down one evening and told him in one breath and one non-stop sentence, that I was leaving the church, resigning from my youth group presidency, joining the Charismatic Church I’d been visiting, attending their full time Bible School in the fall as well as getting adult baptized. He said nothing, looked away and asked my mom for an aspirin as his headache had flared up just then. He came down to my room later that evening and told me, quite surprisingly, that he felt that if I felt my Heavenly Father was guiding me, then who was he, as my earthly father to stand in the way.

It’s interesting I’ve managed to connect with my dad, Jim, as a guide, since he passed away close to 10 years ago now. He died a few years after me jumping ship yet again, leaving Christianity, leaving a 23 year marriage, and admitting I no longer held Jesus as my personal savior. My last memory of him in this life was him in a hospital bed looking so weak a few weeks before he died, as I felt my inner boy part of me looking at him in his weakness, recalling his admiration of his dad’s once strong body. My dad garnered his energy to sit up and tell me with his forefinger pecking at the roll-away bedside eating table that ‘God said in his word that we are to honor our father and our mother, and that He ‘instituted’ family.’ We were miles apart and I chose not to go back to sit again in that energy for any more of that disconnect.

I can so feel his new energy now and feel to let him pop in here, as I’ve energized him by speaking about him.

Jim: Thank you Raphael. I love your new name. It so rocks. We gave you the name Marvin, but you chose Raphael. I’m so sorry I fed you the horse shit pile called Christianity that I was fed. I didn’t find the courage to stand up to it like you did. I know we agreed to these roles before acting them out together, but I still feel sadness that you felt pain. That was some tuff shit we agreed to. And I want to say that the Bible is the biggest horse shit pile of them all, some really attractive horse shit mind you, but shit none the less. I don’t feel afraid of God from where I am today, but boy, did I ever in my life with you. I always thought I wasn’t a coward, standing up to bullies, but you are standing up to the biggest bully of them all. I’m so proud of you.

Raphael: There you have it! Thank you Jim. That changes the energy doesn’t it!? Your voice and presence feels so accessible and I’ll count you in as another guide on this journey. Big horse shit piles! Wow. Part of me is remembering all that doctrine just now about omnipresence, omnipotence, and a few other omni’s, like omniscience.

Merlin: Sounds to me like Jim got over his God-fearing ways, and I say we sniff out the same horse shit. If God had to prattle on about his Omni this and Omni that, it sounds to me like he never had it to begin with. We gave that to him as a sacrifice of our own divinity, borne out our insecurity and unfelt wounds. We’ve been eating horseshit ever since and calling it dinner. Fucking no more!!

Raphael: Okay, and now a swearing Merlin on our hands. You usually come off so wise sounding and even-tempered Merlin…

Merlin: There’s some things that really need some fire,… earth, wind and fire, yes and Amen, if that sounds any better…

Raphael: It’s all perfect, and I need to pause for today and pick this up right where we’re leaving off if I may. I feel juiced about the opportunity to share more of my story and feel your digestions of it as we go. Metatron?…

Metatron:  I’ll need the day to take in Jim and Merlin, ‘fucking no more!’ I love it. Where did we ever this morality horseshit about what’s right, wrong, and proper, instead of feeling what we feel. So yes, I’m good and I’ll be ready when you are.

Raphael: Thanks everyone, and a big salute again to the growing posse of hearts joining this journal and journey. Same time, same channel, manana.

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Day 4 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge with Raphael Awen Day 4

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 4 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here: https://goo.gl/CgrWXZ)

Raphael: Top of the morning crew! Beautiful Motley Crew! It’s 4:44 am on December 24, and I’m feeling good to go again, running on some new high octane adrenaline. How is everyone else doing?, who wants to check in?

Rhodes: Hello Everyone. This is Rhodes. I’m liking the recap yesterday, Raphael, that you started in on of your earliest journey into the whole God awareness thing, which was also my earliest journey this life of awakening. I’m hoping you’ll continue on those stories. I know I was there for all of that, but there is a way, I never felt any of that then. I just was that. What I’m feeling now is the comparison of one on hand, the backdrop of our desires to go to new and expanded places of consciousness that we can’t even quite name or fathom yet, though it’s fun to try for sure, compared with this tension of feeling the past, and overlaying it onto the future, side by side in the Now, and somehow that opens a portal, an entry portal. And until we feel the so called past, then we aren’t done with it. The whole point of the past was the feeling of it, so if we haven’t felt it, we’re not done with it, or it isn’t done with us, and is very much in the Now. That’s what I’m feeling.

Merlin: Rhodes, you’ve been totally holding out on us. That is some really cool shit. The drama of our stories are a storehouse of magic that we’ve collectively been afraid of up till now. The magic contained in our stories gets activated the more we are willing to feel it, but most fear the unknown of their own magic and where it wants to take them. I’m dying to have some fun, and this challenge before us of attempting to connect with the Demiurge feels as exciting as it gets. I do get the need to feel the past, to dial it into the present, to let the past time-travel into the Now, where there is a curious heart for it to land in that wasn’t there before. Hell, take me for instance, I didn’t even know I existed up until recently, till Raphael was willing to realize my reality, bridge me into his dimension, so I could feel my own dimension and then bridge between the two.

Raphael: My goodness, I have to like pause for minutes after one of you speaks to let in the bandwidth of the frequencies you are vibrating at, and even then, I’m hesitant to break the spell. How cool that is! It adds to the adrenaline I’ve been on the past few days adjusting to these new frequencies, since all this started and it is really exciting. Metatron, I have to ask your input before I go back to my journey…

Metatron: I’m luvin’ it. I’m loving the feeling and healing space here. I know all of us have questions about how we are going to gain audience with the Demiurge, and then wondering what his demeanor towards us will be, if and when we do gain audience, and I’m feeling in all of that, a ‘not-knowing our way to knowing’. It’s so freeing to admit our cluelessness and just want what we want. I’ve learned that from watching you actually, Raphael, over and over again, and I never get tired of the lesson. It always comes out in the wash.

Raphael: Morning love fest! Thank you. I’ll take that, with room for more. Yumm.

I’m feeling to ask if there’s any trepidation in the room about us talking so freely about the Demiurge. I mean yesterday, who was it, Jim, right, went off about the Bible being horseshit, and then it went a bit downhill from there…even got Merlin swearing…

Rhodes: I’ll take the bait on that one if I may again. I’m still taking in and remembering what you said Metatron from day one that everything, and everyone, and every last stitch of consciousness, gets its lease from love to have existence. That I feel includes the Demiurge, though it’s taken me a while to get there. If that’s true, that even he’s made of love, then he’s just what we see as a strange pretzeled version of love somehow, that we haven’t figured out yet. I’ll bet, we look kind of strange to him too for that matter, so if he needs to make jokes about us, to himself and his cohorts, like we are about him, then I say that’s all good. I just don’t feel like he’s some big boogeyman that has the power to cave the roof in on our heads for talking freely.

Okay, that was a bit spacious, because not all of me is liking him by any means. He’s fucked over humanity for a long time and that shit needs to stop. Sorry, I just can’t use pretty language to talk about the pain. I still feel a lot of anger for sure about the journey it’s taken to come to this place of a bit of space around my anger.

Raphael: Wow, Rhodes, you nailed a bunch right there. That answered the tension really well, and opens it out too. Thank you.

So, with that then, I think I’ll pick up for a bit from where I left off. This story telling to an interested and curious audience, in all of your ears and in the ears of the Demiurge itself, is moving something in me.

Let’s see, where was I before Jim took over yesterday with his Holy Horseshit Bible comparisons?

Merlin: You were leaving the family church for the chandelier swinging one.

Raphael: Yes, thank you. So I get myself settled into this new church and Bible School, riding my bicycle across town each morning. About 6 or 7 Months later, one bright soul and beautiful woman in the church (whom I’ll call Mar-yam as that name seems to fit her soul) and I get together over some volunteer mission efforts doing graphics in the church office and we hit the ground running. I’m a bit surprised, but it so answers a palpable loneliness that a part of me was consciously wrestling with. Our first date feels great over some higher end pizza. We talk openly and get ourselves squared away on the no-sex thing, even to the point of theorizing together that kissing is a form of sex and that its rightful ‘god ordained’ place is in the context of engagement, as in engaged to be married. I admit, I came up with that one.

So, what we dredged up was that dating is the rightful context for the spirit to come together; engagement is the place for the souls to come together; and marriage is the place for the bodies to come together. We took the whole ‘no sex before marriage’ thing to way overblown proportions that no one was pushing on us. Looking back, it’s so apparent that the one place the parts of us were resonating around was a big discomfort in our sexuality, again, pawning it off as ‘dedication to God’ for safekeeping.

I mentioned yesterday the earlier 11 month relationship from my previous church setting where the bliss so suddenly ended, that was a year or so prior to this one now emerging with Mar-yam. I see now that the undigested pain of not being able to grieve the loss of that earlier bliss, made a part of me feel I had disappointed or displeased God somehow. Her name was Cheryl, and Cheryl and I had kissed like there was no tomorrow, and we must have gotten outside of ‘Gods Order’ somehow, or it wouldn’t have ended so painfully. I so wanted this new relationship to have God’s blessing, as part of me felt there was no room to go through another loss on this level, ever. No room for any more trial and error. Why suffer in error when you can have God’s truth instead?

We had each of our wired-up woundings resonating like two tuning forks that so played into each others dynamics, but also our leading edge desires and dreams were also resonating for sure. An easy closeness and trust unfolded inside of these extra-safe self-imposed boundaries we charted out together. Maryam confided her pain early on around intense sexual abuse by her dad, and a wandering into some sexual promiscuity as a result that preceded her reach out to God.

We shared a big excitement to make our lives ‘really count for God’. Maryam had also recently abandoned an attempt at joining a catholic convent in line with her families church background, and so we both felt excited about being in this new, very different, cutting edge church and bible school that was so set to really go places and achieve big things for God. Maryam was also the church secretary and led aspects of the church services and was a personal friend of the Pastors to boot. We wanted more than anything to serve as teachers and leaders in an adventurous foreign missionary kind of setting, with our new church’s brand of excitement and passion.  ‘Please, God, anything but aimless western living and its values and boredom’.

I’ve since been able to feel several parts of me, and parts of my Metasoul too, who were activated at this time in my life with all the new beginnings. Part of me privately fancied itself more than anything being a great preacher, able to cast spells, of the godly variety, over audiences. I had also completely abandoned before entering bible school, a tech school trajectory where I was fixing to get a technicians certificate for drafting or surveying, to upgrade the kind of work I was doing. God, and the world didn’t need another draftsman. It needed a preacher with the truth! My employer must have agreed, because when things slowed down slightly, I was let go shortly after being talked to for distributing religious ‘tracts’ in the office.

With all those juices flowing right along between Maryam and I, along with the ‘no kissing while dating’ rule, it was only a month before we kissed, and so we both agreed that we were now engaged. We crossed over the line we set for ourselves. She was 24, and I was 21, and we were married after a 5 month engagement with lots of sanctioned kissing. It was a long road to my inner teenager finally getting laid, and to ‘giving my virginity to God’, and to my wife, but it felt great, it felt so right, and with God’s guarantee and blessing to boot! We never looked back, for a long time, until we did, some 20 years later.

Wow…

Metatron: What are you feeling, Raphael?

Raphael: yeah…. feel and heal, feel and heal…

Metatron: I’m just vibing again what I learned from you…

Raphael: Thank you Metatron, time to digest a bit here isn’t it?

As I’m sharing this story, it’s changing me on the inside again. I’m feeling the part of me then, very present in this Now, Marvin, as I was named then, and have since differentiated and gotten to know as a part of me, who so wanted so much, and wanted to bargain with God to get that ‘so much’, who was also afraid to get anything less. ‘I’ll give you all this God, if you’ll give me that’.

I’m also feeling how much pain Marvin carried inside of his bones too that began around being conceived inside of the cocoon of my mom’s deep and unmoving depression, from his very conception, born into my mom’s lineage of feminine suppression under a patriarchal God, with a patriarchal dad, and a patriarchal husband, and a mom and entire social world in similar lockdown. I know that by the time Marvin made it through the gauntlet of his teens, through the these sudden shifts, he wanted to find the ‘lying down in green pastures’ spoken of in Psalm 23. He wanted to find the way to live that was blessed and guaranteed by God. He was so stunningly surprised that the adult world was actually this fucked up, and no one was doing anything about it, though he had now parted with that kind of language, and anything else that could be remotely considered a vice.

Marvin has since gone on to transmute into my Inner Child, and then my Magical Child, and even beyond as I feel him mostly now in my Star-seed Galactic Self that arose recently whom I call Andy. We sometimes sing our own version of the familiar Sunday School song ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own’, which is kind of a perfect digestion of all that God seeking churchy feelings of how it was connection with our own being we were seeking the whole time. We couldn’t see that for what it was and so we arranged for ‘God’ to hold that for safekeeping.

Merlin: Andy is like the friggin’ best! He knows fun and wonderworld walking like no one I know. If you want to go play, call on Marvin, or Andy rather, or both! Let’s get this party started in here.

Raphael: I know right. It’s a bit serious in here isn’t it, but I just have one more piece to feel today and it gets to the heart of this journey to face the Demiurge.

Merlin: Okay, that’s good too, I’m sure it will lead to fun eventually.

Raphael: I think so too, Merlin, and thank you for your patience… 🙂

The piece that is dawning in me, and on me, is feeling how much I, and my beloved parts of me shaped God in my own image, even created this creator being. Granted, It was my family conditioning this life that got me up and running with this set to my sails, but I needed to shape this God into a spaceholder of my Higher Self that I couldn’t consciously yet see or feel inside my own heart.

I’m looking for the right words to put around this…

I mean in the sense that I was afraid of my own heart and its capacity to feel. I know that wasn’t just about this life’s wounding though this life wounding was also needed to backlight it all in order for it to come to the light of day.

You could say, I used God, projected onto God, the Demiurge, my unconscious sense of my Higher Self.

Metatron, can you help me out here, what am I trying to put words around?

Metatron: What I feel it as is kind of simple. You made God into the monster that he had no choice but to become; becoming dis-eased with a greatness that he, and it, was unable to bear, having neither earned it, nor being worthy of it. And as they say ‘power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely’. You, along with the rest of us, made the Demiurge into an ‘absolute authority’; an ‘outside of us’ projection of our innate perfection and power, that we couldn’t yet relate with. That’s enough to cook anyone’s goose.

Raphael: Wow, when you put it that way, it makes me feel like I owe him an apology…

Metatron: …something to feel into, for sure. We all did this though, Raphael . And we all need to face the monster of our own creation.

Raphael: And what if there’s only a few of us ready to begin that?

Metatron: Then that makes us the ones to stand in the gap between the Demiurge and man. Sounds a bit heady, I know, but it’s real. The Demiurge doesn’t need to make his peace with all men and women individually to find and feel his remorse, his anger, his feelings. He only needs one actually, because, as with anything in the universe, the one, or any one, contains the all.

Merlin: You smoke the best stuff Metatron. I say we break and party-on at your pad. We have to get ready for Christmas a bit too which is tomorrow. Sounds like your talking total Christ child stuff, pretty timely if we’re gonna go by the Christian calendar. We could even redeem some Christmas carols out of the YouTube and have a sing along. You feel like ‘Hark the herald Angels sing’ kind of Archangel!

Raphael: Merlin, you know how to put a bow on things. That about says it for now, doesn’t it everyone? Wow, this gives us, and I know me for sure, some more digesting to do.

Let’s pick up again tomorrow. Thank you everyone, everyone here, everyone beyond, and everyone yet gathering, to form this one posse of hearts as an Ambassadorship to the Demiurge. The Demiurge, I feel is beginning to be expecting us. Thank you especially for feeling and helping me digest my own story too again today. I know I’d like another day or two to digest a few more pieces of my own story together. We are soon about to learn the Demiurge’s side of this story, but all things in their time.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Day 5 ~ Journal To The Demiurge

Journal To The Demiurge w Raphael Awen

By Raphael Awen

(This is Day 5 of an ongoing series, to begin at day 1, go here: https://goo.gl/CgrWXZ)

Raphael: Good Morning All. I am feeling the rising excitement of this journey again. It felt so good to time-travel to the early pieces of my life story, feeling how my allegiance to the Demiurge formed and took hold, and feeling all of you feel me, in that.

It also felt good to take yesterday off being Christmas to breathe, to feel and to let in love. Last days journal took over 5 hours just to write, and feel as we went, and to post. I’m feeling an expanded sense of the epicness, if I could call it that, of where this could go, and where it wants to go. I also want very much to feel all there is to feel as we go, and to have fun doing it. If there’s one thing I feel now about hanging around in the past, I feel we should at least rearrange the furniture while we’re spending time there. And the furniture I’d rearrange would be the furnishing of my own heart with more space to feel myself and all my parts courageously doing life, being with life, seeking love. I get to do some more of that today.

There’s a way that even going through hell can be rewarding if we’re willing to feel all there is to feel, feel our why’s, our wants and especially our frustrations. They are all huge signposts. I’ve decided that if it ain’t fun, in this sense of being rewarding, I want nothing to do with it. In my book, it’s now a big Demiurge delusion that life is supposed to be hard, or boring, or aimless. The other thing I’m into is adventure, always have been really, and this journey is looking like about as big a piece as any.

Metatron: Good Morning Raphael. Good morning All, in the fullest sense of the Allness. Rhodes, Merlin, Jim, yes, you too Jim, we’re going to need help from the other side in due time, and Good Morning to this growing posse of hearts, following this, reading this, feeling this. You are the incubation of the epic something that Raphael is speaking to as you let this story weave into the feeling tones of your own story. Let it engender within you the waves of desire and the awakening of each and everyone of your astounding uniqueness and value. This is a seed, and like any seed, it has an infinite number of seeds within it. We’re not about the finite number of seeds contained in an apple. We’re about the in-finite number of apples contained in a seed.

Raphael: I love how you can raise the frequency about 67 notches in 30 seconds or less, Metatron. Wow.

Metatron: You have us on a good frequency as well, please keep going. I just had some juice to let flow through.

Raphael: I so know I wouldn’t have the go for this journey were it not for your energy and guidance, and it’s feeling sooo good again today, thank you.

Before, I go back to my story, Metatron, can you tell me about what the Demiurge is up to with this intention? Do you know if he knows what we’re attempting?

Metatron: Funny you should ask that, I got confirmation just today that he is up to speed on every word. Consider yourself and ourselves engaged to be engaged. And, it feels like he could, and we could use some time to get acquainted further, from a distance, I mean, so take all the time you need to process it all as we go. Your story telling feels important. We have all of time itself to get this right, and it’s urgently what the entire universe is waiting for, both are true at the same time.

Raphael: Okay, no pressure or anything? My…, you have a way with words.

Metatron: In the beginning was the word…

Raphael: And the word was with God and the word was God…

Metatron: And dangit if the Demiurge didn’t see an opportunity to fill in the blank while we waited to come up to speed with this truth and with our own godhood, Raphael.

Raphael: And I’ll bet he isn’t having the best time of it about now? His threats of hell have only tied him to being a jail keeper – not much fun at the best of times, right? I can’t imagine him having any fun, if it ever was fun being him.

Metatron: It’s complicated though, Raphael. On one hand, we created him from our own subconscious, and we commissioned and authorized him to be the monster we made him, and on the other hand, he doesn’t know anything different and is afraid to let go. He is inextricably linked with us till we undo our own creation.

Raphael: Could we say ‘In the ‘re’-beginning was the word’?

Metatron: We’re being invited to feel that with this Journal, with every word, every logos, that we utter; to feel it as being divine reason re-beginning a new world order internally that seeds into the collective…

Raphael: Feeling that pauses my story for a bit…

Metatron: Feeling that actually helps tell your story, Raphael. Go on and we’ll figure where it intertwines as we go…

Raphael: Okay, as I said, I’m getting a big gift from telling this story, and I can feel parts of me buckle in. They were all there, but we never got the space to feel it like we are now, on these levels.

Where was I?

Merlin: You was just getting settled with Mar-yam in the new chandelier swinging church.

Raphael: Thank you Merlin, good feeling your magical presence here. Get this, yesterday, Gabriel gave us a Christmas card depiction of you soaring through the Cosmos, Metatron as a combination of a cosmic cowboy and a skinny Santa Claus, And even Andy riding bareback too, all heading for audience with the Demiurge. I’ll share it in this post today. It’s totally rad, as they say in California. It captures the energy so awesomely.

So, yes, I was on a fairly new track. 21 years old, married, and so hungry to serve God, to make a difference for God, and as I said, a little less consciously, also hungry to escape boredom while I was at it.

After our first year of marriage, and working at pay-the-bills kinds of jobs, Mar-yam confronted me after work one fall Friday as a long weekend was approaching, with the crazy idea of visiting friends 2 provinces away to check into joining in with a mission project they were involved with. We actually left, 6 hours later, after a phone call, and me getting the incredulous look off my face. We knew we were in danger of settling for the norm if we kept this pattern running. We decided it was for us, came home, squared away, gave away, sold off, and loaded up and were back there in 6 weeks.

We shared this uncanny ability to jump ship when the guidance came, but she was usually the one to help me break the spell of whatever the current pattern was, given a part of me’s attachment to familiarity.

Over the years, our desire to get into the cherished ‘full time ministry’ never quite materialized. After a year away in the neighboring province, we returned home where I began finding jobs as a self employed painter with a whole bunch of my innate desires and passions funneling into building that while serving God, or, in order to serve God, as we framed it.

We self funded our way to regular short term mission trips, a few early ones to Mexico with a small, but exciting mission in Tijuana headed by other friends we were close to; One to Hong Kong with the founders of our church, and several to different places and projects in the Philippines that continued over our two decades together. We were Bible School grads, fancied ourselves teachers, and in the groups our church was a part of overseas, the locals were more than happy to let us take the pulpit, with our white skin and all.

We dreamt of our first child, and she ended up coming along for the ride in utero for our first trip overseas. Family; extended family; missionary travel; what was now referred to as a ‘business’ complete with employees; and even building our own home, were all a part of the picture by the time our second daughter came along 6 years in.

As these realities matured and as the desires ebbed and flowed through our lives, something was brewing in my soul though that was very undeniable, but equally being efforted to keep concealed and suppressed at the same time by parts of me. It was hard to put my finger on. During Bible School, a guest prophetic minister had prophesied publicly over me personally during a laying-on-of-hands service one day something to the effect of ‘don’t fight against the establishment’. Though I didn’t have a file for his words that day, they would come back to haunt me in due time.

I was looked up to by our church circle, as well as in each of our families. We both had leadership and budding teaching positions in the church, leading home groups, participating in services. I loved my daughters as much as life itself. Mar-yam and I only had eyes for each other, and settled deeply into being married for life.

In our 10th year together, I watched with a lot of discomfort as the inner core leadership circle of our church went through choosing sides in a personality conflict battle that was enough to blow up our little haven, this side of heaven. Having a conflict of that nature or of that magnitude wasn’t what got underneath my skin, but rather the active suppression of any ability of the men in the leadership circle to face the issue. It was all a default pattern of saving face and a pretense to hold things together for the next Sunday morning, under the guise of ‘preserving God’s house’. I was pretty convinced God wasn’t in as bad of shape as they made him out to be. This proved to be a deeply etched unwavering pattern that came up repeatedly to simply ignore a given reality in the name of not disturbing the sheep. The more I witnessed them, the more I felt at a deep loss combined with a frustration.

One day at early morning men’s prayer circle, we were joining hands praying loudly in tongues (‘motor-mouthing’ as a part of me would later come to call it), calling God into the scenes of our self created chaos, and I felt so pretzeled about asserting that maybe we should be facing the relational issues between us instead of, or at least, along with all of this passionate prayer. When we broke that day, I called Charlie, a fellow elder aside, and told him gently what I felt. He let me finish, paused for effect, looked me straight in the eye and said, quoting Jesus no less, ‘Are you for us or against us?’ Then he turned and walked away.

The moment of my truth finally came for me when I spoke to the men at our weekly Tuesday night elders meeting. I gathered my courage, opened my mouth and said to the 4 others present, ‘Guys, we’re all in a ditch, but I’m one step ahead of you. I’m willing to admit that and you’re not’. They looked at me kind of funny before the pastor did one of his usual lighten up the moment kind of comments.

My resignation letter followed a few days letter. I never did get my status of ‘Elder In Training’ upgraded to ‘Elder’ as the Pastor, a man near my young age, could sense in me the lacking loyalty, that it seemed that not even I was as in touch with.

The growing disparity between the ‘power of God’ that we all adhered to and championed compared with the growing powerlessness we practiced in our relationships with one another was leading me to feel deeper into the relational disparity inside of my own heart. Part of me tried hard to cover it over with new bigger and better projects or clients in my business. Money seemed to keep growing as a result, which often led Mar-yam and I to consider another mission trip.

Around that same time, just prior to this fallout, we decided to take our young family to the Philippines for a little longer trip of up to 6 months to join some close friends on an exciting mission that our church was recently all into. We were being asked to verify and solidify the relationship with the local pastor there and his congregation in hopes of becoming more involved, with more people and more money. The pastor there was reputed to be the ‘former second in command of the communist party’ in the Philippines and was now a genuine, born-again powerhouse for God. The fanfare of it all didn’t thrill me as much as the excuse to see if we could somehow get deeper into what our hearts really found exciting, as well as escape the growing relational problems in our home church. Maybe a brand new infusion of purpose and focus would sort out both me and the church.

It was amazing to watch the needed money come in through the business in time to match the intention, as usual, with a short notice. It was also a good experience to create some space around my tendency for a one track focus in my work life. Within 2 months of planning, we had our airfares for four and money together, an employee to keep the business alive, and 2 close friends to drive us the 3 hours to the Seattle airport.

Something very unusual happened in the airport that day just prior to boarding, and as I’m liking the vibe of storytelling, and you all listening so sweetly, I think I’ll just plow on into that story if that’s okay? This is a lot, how’s it all landing in the moment, Merlin?

Merlin: You got me spellbound, Raphael. What a planet you lived on! I say, rock on.

Raphael: Are these church and God frequencies a bit dense to take in?

Merlin: They would be if they weren’t coming from you, Raphael, but with your heart that’s found a way through it all, I’m liking feeling what it really felt and looked like to be inside,… even to be not consciously wanting or looking for a way out…. Wow.

Raphael: Okay, good, I’ll go with that then, Merlin. Thank you. Serving the Demiurge really is a captivating experience, pun intended or not, take your pick, where we chose it, because on so many levels, we felt we were in the coolest deal on the planet and the only one that had any real meaning for that matter. If 90 some percent of the whole world was going to hell without a personal relationship with Jesus as their savior, then what could compare to addressing that need? I had no clue then about the ocean of unfelt emotional need, and unworth I was still very much carrying around, as I felt God had taken care of that for me when coming out of my teens in exchange for giving my life over to him. Truth is, more money, another mission trip, more status in the church, none of it was able to completely cover over the hemorrhage of what my heart was bleeding into my space.

So, back to the airport in Seattle that day. We’ve said goodbye to our friends and gotten checked in and are waiting the last hour or so at the gate and already, it’s been a long day, with a 16 hour flight still to come including a pit stop in Tokyo, en route to Manila. The boarding gate was filled with a mixture of Filipino and Asian families waiting to board the sold out flight.

Our daughters aged 3 and 5 took to playing a bit with the Filipino children in front of us which felt cute to witness as I again acclimated to my fondness for the Filipino people. It had been 6 years since our first trip there.

A Filipino man was seated next to me in the crowded space, and when the boarding call was made, and as we rustled from our waiting slumber, I acknowledged him for the first time as our children and his had already made a connection.

I asked him where he was heading to in the Philippines, after landing in the capital. He explained that he was just there getting his mother and his children onto the flight. He asked me the same question in return and I told him the name of the province we were headed to, to do some missions work, having recently memorized it, ‘Ilocos Sur’, another 9 hours by bus to the north in this country of 81 provinces, over 7,200 islands, and a population well over double the size of my Canada.

He smiled and said, ‘oh, that’s the province my mom is from, but now she lives in the capital’. I was warming up to the familiar Filipino sounding English that he spoke that I actually missed, and was soon to get a whole bunch more of. 

Naturally, his next question was, ‘What city or town are you going to?’ I was glad again, that I had remembered a bit from my discussions with friends, as we had never before been in the North of the country before, and told him ‘Santa Maria’. His smile grew larger as he said,‘Santa Maria!, that is my mom’s hometown.’ We both took a minute feeling the incredulity of all this mixed in with keeping an ear out for the sequenced boarding calls, an eye on the children, with our boarding passes and passports in hands.

He then said, ‘who are you going to see there?’ Again, I recalled the name as well as the correct pronunciation of the Pastor of the tiny independent church we were going to be working with there, having never met him, but we had spoke to him on the phone a week or so prior. I was sure this was going to end the list of coincidences now stacking up. I told him the name, ‘Marben Magmay’, the first name being easy to remember as it was the Filipino equivalent to my first name at the time of Marvin. His jaw dropped again, and he said with yet another big friendly Filipino smile, ‘I know Marben, I need to get a message to Marben’s brother actually, will you be the one to take it to Marben for me?’

My head was sure spinning about this time as I’m looking at my wife taking this all in as the man found pen and paper and wrote out a short note in the northern dialect, and handed it to me. I recall being a bit too stunned to ask what the message was about and of course, I couldn’t read the local dialect. About then, we said our goodbyes as he needed to get his elderly mom boarded. I learned we had another 10 minutes or so before our row was going to board, so I got up to walk a few paces to try and digest all this.

I took a few minutes to digest what felt like an energy rush through me. There was a lot of prep, money and energy to get this trip to happen, and so far, there hadn’t been anything overtly that could be seen as a ‘big miracle confirmation’ that God, or the Holy Spirit was ‘supernaturally’ leading this journey, other than what we called the ‘still small voice’ inside along with the extra money manifesting naturally with some focus and intention. This coincidence just then was more the kinds of ‘miracles’ that were the coveted stock-in-trade of our ‘full gospel, spirit-filled, word of faith’ type churches we were a part of. We all longed to have personal testimonies like these to share (or brag about) in church. All I was able to make of it all as I stretched my legs prior to boarding, was that God was tipping his hand of favor and blessing, saying a warm and personal ‘hello’, as I couldn’t see any direct significance to the message itself, now sitting in my front shirt pocket that I had agreed to be the postman for. It looked like something as simple and mundane as little more than ‘call me’ along with a phone number as I recall it. How cooler still would it have been if it was really tied to something world changing? Nonetheless, it went in as a deep personal validation, from God, no less.

This so gets to the heart of what the part of me, who was me at the time, wanted from God, a personal validation, the ‘well done, my good and faithful Servant’ kind of heartfelt validation. I had gone from knowing I would end up in hell if I died at 17 to knowing I was now in good with God, and I wanted to let the world know. I was feeling pretty high, as I couldn’t see how else God could be more outspoken. ‘God’ was sending us on this trip.

Mar-yam and I digested the conversation a couple more times as the flight got underway, beginning our way to our first stop in Tokyo, before continuing onto Manila, letting it color our hearts as a very unique personal blessing from God. I loved feeling all this from 35,000 feet.

The story doesn’t end there though, as far as airport coincidences go. Something almost as magical occurred all over again on the next leg of the trip.

But I’m feeling to let some water under the bridge and take this up again next day. Everything in its own time.

Metatron: Wow, Raphael. I’m so feeling the ache for the acknowledgement of God you spoke to, going from the fear of hell to the bliss of heaven, Wow.

Raphael: Oh, yes, there was nothing greater in my books.

Before I jumped ship from the family church to this one, the real reason I did was because their God wasn’t a boring traditional rule maker, but an exciting one that interacted supernaturally in people’s lives, and gave out this kind of personal validation. I ached to feel God approve of me, or I should say, a part of me ached for God’s approval. There was nothing else that mattered. If I could pursue that, and qualify for that, along with a happy family and children at the same time, that was thee deal.

Metatron: ‘Qualify for…..?’

Raphael: Afraid so. We were all so firmly entrenched in a ‘love in return for obedience’ picture, that it would be yet a few more years before I would begin to get under the edges of that, but eventually, more dramas and events later, just that began to awaken in me.

Metatron: I’m gonna pause to take in here and let whomever would like to respond to share.

Raphael: before we pause for today…

Jim: Wow, I’ve got something to feel in all this, but I need to feel some more around it all and maybe share next day.

Raphael: Thanks Jim, or Dad, as Marvin knew you. I’d like to feel what’s brewing for you.

Andy: I like the 35,000 feet part! That’s where the Demiurge doesn’t have any of his sad stuff happening and that’s where I began to learn to fly, and where I still do. Wayne and I have been taking daily spins in our Merkabah all over the place from Golden Earth and back!

Raphael: Yea, Andy, my beautiful Starbeing Self, who once was Marvin, who once was my inner child, now gone galactic, riding the rays with Wayne, who led my life for 8 years more recently, on this other side of knowing the Demiurge.

Did you see you in Gabriel’s artwork riding right behind Metatron, on Merlin?

Andy: It’s like thee best! Thank you Gabriel. If you never hear from me again, it’s only because I got lost in all the dimensions.

Raphael: I don’t like that idea…

Andy: Okay, I’ll try to remember how to get back from all the places I have on my list to see and travel to, but I can’t promise, you may have to come and find me…

Raphael: Okay, that’s a deal. I want to see all them places too!

So, All, Let’s take a pause here again, but not before I again say thank you to the Gathering Posse Of Hearts. If this story is resonating in your heart, then that resonance and your willingness to feel it is creating a quantum something that accesses this realm and makes for a grander result for all of us. The handful of us in this direct story can do something pretty wild for sure, but with you, riding with us and in our hearts together, we can do something so out of this world, that it will take generations for this new arising story to be told, and tolled.
Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Visit www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about Weekly Sessions, Live Streams, Videos, and Community.

Return LOVE in money form: https://www.paypal.me/supportsoulfullheart or visit our Patreon page to become a monthly supporter: https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.