Being With The Inner Punisher/Critic

by Kalayna Colibri

befriend inner critic

‘Parts work’ is one level of what we offer in SoulFullHeart. It is the foundation of our healing practice and path. It is what inspires us to keep going IN… into ourselves for more nourishment and love that comes from this work, and into relationships that will always be a reflection of our inner universes. There is so much inside of each of us as humans in transition, learning to remember who we really are. We are fractured to a certain degree because we have needed to become this way in order to cope with 3D reality and the heaviness of what we came here to grow through and alongside. We ultimately cannot really be fractured or broken or anything BUT whole, yet, ask any part of you and they will likely say that this is their experience of life – separation, disconnection, suppression.

There are so many parts of you that call to you in this work. One of the most powerful ones to work with is the Inner Punisher/Critic. This is the part that is so prickly and often hard to be with… the hardest part to really love, for they throw so much at you and at others too in order to keep love out. The more love you let into your life, sometimes the harder they clench their fists. They are so often afraid. Afraid of letting go of the comforting discomfort of how they feel about you, about others, and ultimately about themselves. They judge harshly, starting with you, and sometimes act stealthily, hiding themselves somehow, often amongst the din and cries within you.

Their feelings about your body, your relationships, your job, YOU and any aspect of your life, become normalized frequencies inside of you. It becomes normal to think of yourself in certain ways and you may not even catch the vitriol that comes from you towards others, even in the form of ‘friendly’ teasing, that really has a bite underneath it. After working with your Inner Punisher/Critic in the many layers they come with, your desire to be around any energy of criticism, ‘funny’ or not, especially from you to you, diminishes in a big way. Often it is these harsh inner frequencies and judgments that bring friends and birth family members together. It is familiar to feel this way, so the idea of questioning it may feel ludicrous at first. Yet what if something more were possible in all of your relationships and especially in how you feel about yourself?

The Inner Punisher/Critic can be hard to stay in the room with. Often when you begin feeling them directly, they hurl insults at you, rolling out pages and pages sometimes of how they feel about you and about your life. As your outer world reflects your inner world, you begin to see and feel how this energy has leaked out to others you interact with and informed your approach to yourself and to any area of your life. It can play out in themes of workaholism, exercising only for the sake of your self-image and ‘how you feel about yourself’, and abuse (the definition of which deepens as you work with this part and begin to heal these frequencies of self-abuse, however they show up).

The journey to genuine self-love must involve feeling the Inner Punisher/Critic. This energy cannot be transcended, only transmuted. The work and the room you must walk into inside yourself in order to start being with this part is worth it. It becomes like holding a kicking, screaming teenager who just needs to find their tears of release from all the energy they’ve held and the life molds they are struggling to fit into. This part does soften and change eventually. Yet they really need your help to motivate them with love, with an ongoing promise that you will be there for and with them, and that you will always hold that they are so much more than this job they have given themselves for very good reasons.

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Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, soul scribe, and poetess.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

Your Essence And Inner Love Sanctuary

by Kalayna Colibri

waterfall-1031724_640

 

There is a sanctuary inside of you. There is an essence there that cannot be lost. There is a treasure of heart, that has been protected for so long, by a part of you that feels this is the only way to ‘get through’ life. This can express as transcendence, as much as it can express as bitterness and withdraw. The sanctuary that holds the glowing orb of precious love-essence is a peaceful and aerated place, yet no-place… unless the inner protection has built a fortress around it, keeping it within confines of hard walls and impermeable energy structures too, giving it a ‘place’ instead of letting it flow and move throughout your being.

Structures of constructed ideas of ‘this is what love is’ have taken over like thorny vines. Love has become something different than what it is as it lives and breathes inside of you and inside of your life. Protection has taken over in different ways and forms… your Inner Protector has forgotten that real love needs no walls to hold it or keep it from harm. It is meant to flow, to illuminate, to permeate, to aerate. It is here to not be held down, but to move up and take us with it.

Your inner sanctuary is accessed through the portal of your heart, beyond yet with the mind as it needs and wants to be present, until that time when it can rest. It is there and you are getting closer to it, finding ways to dwell within it and be in life and the world too. It is a place of being and stillness. It is there, always, and the more you feel your parts that are afraid of it, afraid of its power, or afraid harm will come to it, the more access you will have to it in every moment. ❤


This Sunday Oct. 29, there will be a live stream hosted by Raphael and Jelelle Awen on Facebook and Youtube! Hope to have you join us… https://www.facebook.com/events/207249746478167

If you are curious to learn more about the SoulFullHeart Way of Life and process, you can visit: http://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com/sfhprocess for more information and to feel into having a free 30min intro call.

 

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Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, soul scribe, and poetess.  Visit https://www.soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

A ReLOVEution To End Inner Violence And Violence-Based Choices

by Kalayna Colibri

re-love-ution

“These violent delights have violent ends  

And in their triumph die”

– Romeo and Juliet, ActII, Scene VI

 

Our suffering so often comes from violent choices.

Violence is chosen when parts of us decide to bury themselves, to bury their pain, covering it up, numbing it out, putting makeup on it, pretending it either doesn’t exist, or in some cases hiding it in plain sight through sabotage of this relationship or that job or through self-harm in the form of addiction of any kind.

Violence is chosen when parts of us decide to see the world as personally oppressive, racking up reason after reason, building a case for their victimhood, making it inevitable that an intense push-away always becomes necessary and the world feels like ‘us’ against ‘them’. As we assuage the battles within, there ARE times sometimes when we receive violence and abuse or aggression from others and DO need to advocate, to turn away, to all-out walk away from what needs to collapse for the sake of our self-worth and also at times our survival. Sometimes this has a violent playout and fallout. If this situation lasts, there is likely some deeper violence still happening within, because this relationship on the outside represents a battle raging on the inside. It is a climate that your parts have gotten used to… and have not learned how to be or even imagined how to be anything different towards each other.

Violence is chosen when parts of us hold rigidly onto ways of seeing and feeling others. In some cases, parts don’t want to feel others’ perspectives, or, would prefer to feign compassion rather than be in the process that allows them to feel genuine compassion for the first time. This serves as a numbing of the self. It is a focus on keeping the victim inside alive and pushing away the budding King or Queen of heart and soul. It is also violent when we try to press our point of view on another who isn’t ready or doesn’t want to take it in. It is violent too, to use aggressive energy behind our words and point of view. These examples are another way to become numb to the needs of others and the ways in which they need to walk out what they are walking out, without name-calling or unfair readouts. This is a hard thing to avoid doing when we have so much tension inside from us to us and part to part… this does move over time though and is so important to keep feeling as it comes up.

Violence is chosen by choosing to eat foods that are violent to the planet and/or to our bodies. I don’t offer this as a piece to feel shame over, but rather something to just feel into. It does feel important to let this in and to make new choices, feeling the parts of you that have resistance to this along the way, so that they can come with you and not feel as if THEY are experiencing violence against THEM, as this dynamic can happen too…

Violence and revenge in different forms have become a strong underpinning in our cultures worldwide. It is a way to see war as an option, protests as the only means of revolution, and aggressive, ambitious efforts the only way to be ‘successful’.

A reLOVEution can be and IS so different than this… than even those subtle twinges of wanting to fight fire with fire in some way. There is a way that we can stand up for ourselves through boundaries and vulnerability that doesn’t need to result in withholding love in any way. We can find a way to teach ourselves new ways of being in life and in LOVE without committing any sort of violence, suppression or oppression inside.

This is as much an ongoing process for me as it likely is for you too. I have had many years inside of a process of peeling back the layers of inner violence and battles and even recently have felt a Metasoul aspect that still lives in the era of Women’s Suffrage in the UK. Really intense timeline, that one. Talk about fighting fire with fire! She and I have been able to feel that there IS an alternative to these violent means of ‘fighting’… feeling how bringing vulnerability is actually the key to deep inner and outer change. She is still being convinced of the truth of this, as she understandably lives in an intense time and hasn’t really seen this in action, but she is trying and that is enough for me to feel something MORE wanting to come and be inside of me and thus from me to others too. I actually feel her helping me write this piece today… it’s helping her digest her reality and new possibilities that are arising for her and for others.

A new, violence-less horizon is calling, wanting to help us end our personal and collective suffering… how deeply you are able to heed this call is a very personal choice and it feels like any healing of this on any level of your being is a fantastic start!

LOVE to you, fellow reLOVEutionary!

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Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, soul scribe, and poetess. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our Patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

The Insatiable Appetite For More Love

by Kalayna Colibri

 

heart-wings

 

The heart of a little girl, turns toward her mother and asks, “How do I get your love?”

The heart of a young woman in a new relationship, turns toward her partner and asks, “How do I keep your love?”

The heart of a young nun in her morning prayers asks, “How do I earn your love?”

The awakening heart turns to Love itself and asks, “How do I remember you, Love?”

These journeys begin with feeling as if Love is elusive, a butterfly to capture and keep, a path to master, something to make, do, take, have, possess…

These journeys continue with receiving ‘answers’ from outside, with only letting in that which can be seen or learned, until one day, the love that you simply ARE reminds you from inside of you that it was always there…

Abuses of all kinds create a struggle inside, bruised heart walls, parts that hate ourselves, push away others, trauma and drama attraction, resistance to Love and all of its tones and frequencies both challenging and comforting. To be in the heat of Love’s reawakening is to feel what’s blocking it, to feel the need for more of it, to realize the areas of life where it’s not flowing, to ask the questing questions that lead us to clarities of this step followed by that one… if you are used to crumbs, crumbs is all you’ll expect, but once you’ve allowed in a taste of the real thing, the real thing is all that can suffice and yet ironically is what stimulates the appetite for MORE.

Be insatiable. Every pore of your body, every cord of your heart song, every tone of your multi-dimensionality wants to want more, wants to BE more. The having and receiving of more comes from making room, from flowing over with love withIN, from letting it flow to others FROM you and WITH you, from feeling the parts of you that won’t let it, don’t want to trust it, have been burned, hurt, wounded by ‘love’ before, that can’t see or feel or let in just yet that within their hurt and pain lies a pearl – an exquisite gift – of experience, wisdom, heart-opening mess and the capacity to pick up the pieces and keep going on and IN as you grow and bloom and shine ever brighter. Hunger for the growth that allows in more love. Let yourself ask those questions you need to ask parts of you and soul aspects of you. And bring it all back to your appetite for more love to let in and crave for.

To live life this way turns everything on its head! It brings in a whole new way of digesting all experiences, all challenges, all processes. It gives you a home frequency to tune into during emotional phases of deeply feeling your wounding. It motivates you to keep going in and through and guides you in the same.

It’s time to remember… and it’s up to you if you decide to now or later, yet it doesn’t matter, because you will never be less love or loved than you already are in this moment. ❤

In SoulFullHeart, the process is always about leaning back into love in the end, though the journey to do this is complicated and challenging at times. Digesting pain with a heart-open other who can reflect to you what you need to keep feeling in order to heal it, is simply what works. If you’re interested in feeling into having sessions with a SoulFullHeart facilitator, please visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com/sessions for more information. ❤

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Kalayna Colibri is a SoulFullHeart facilitator for women around (and under) the age of 30, energy healer, indigo-crystal bridge, writer, and poetess. Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, videos, community, etc. Visit our patreon page to offer a money donation to support our offerings at https://www.patreon.com/soulfullheart.

 

The Energy in motion of our E-motion-all Body

By Raphael Awen
emotionalenergy

Until we surrender to our feelings, we are stuck in a stasis.

It has been said that our emotions are our e-motions, or our ‘energy in motion’. If life is anything, on whatever level you wish to look at it, be it physical, spiritual, metaphysical, micro, macro,….all of it is energy in motion.

And what you are feeling right now is energy moving through the energy-in-motion that YOU are. You are reading this seeking something. That is desire, want, seeking, moving through you. E-motive-ly. This is your motive for being.

People have long advised and devised multitudinous ways to overcome our feelings, reprogram our feelings, numb our feelings, but what we have failed to see in every one of these proposed solutions to our feelings is that the solution is proposing another feeling overlay to the one deemed unwanted.

We’re left with a inner war of feelings where one part of us in our psyche seeks to maintain dominance and control over another part of ourselves. This controlling part is then essentially running our lives, living our life as us. And gratefully so, some ‘one’ needs to look after life, until a new arising authentic us can show up to the relief of all involved.

Why we’ve worked so hard collectively to suppress and demonize (in many cases literally) our feelings is up for ongoing discovery, but for me, what feels so apparent is that it has been a way and a strategy for us to regulate the pace of our growth to what for most is a snail’s pace, or even a reverse direction, born out of the very real fear of our own bigness. Our feelings are the portal to our own greatness and the doorway out of our stasis into the infinity of love that we actually are.

Am I saying that feelings of depression or anxiety or rage are this portal to more? What about something so debilitating as shame, or the related inner critic? Are these emotions moving through me somehow a portal to my deeper essence?

‘Why,’ you may say, ‘I’ve always perceived these dark emotions as the barrier to my arising, not any portal to my ongoing awakening.’

I so get that. I too lived in that domain most of my life. What I want to offer you and offer you deeply is a ‘what if?’ question to feel and see where it takes you.

Here goes:

‘What if what you’ve related to as your negative emotions are actually the portal to more and more of your authentic-self arising to lead and flow in life?’

This what-if question (and its quest) could go on and on, worded in so many ways, but you get and feel the tone of it. I know you do…I can feel you do, or these words wouldn’t be holding you right now.

Wow, if this question is pointing you where I think it is, then there is no such thing as a negative (negating) emotion. There is only invitation into what is, to more of the all that you are, that is awaiting you. Why would any one of us be okay with leaving a part of us behind!?

Of course, I so get and feel the resistance we’ve all worked so hard at to keep our emotional worlds from infecting our self image togetherness. We, men more so, but women too, have relegated the emotional body to the insubstantial, to the meaningless, to the powerless, when in actuality, it is the essence of what we are. And we don’t get to embrace our essence any other way, but by going inward to all that we are, getting to know and feel who stands at the door of our hearts that we previously feared, but now open out to in genuine curiosity and love.

Now we finally cease demanding that some one else takes care of us in the multitude of ways we can do just that bass in a medicative relationship to all of life, and we begin instead taking care of ourselves in an ever deepening way beyond what we’ve ever known or imagined.

In SoulFullHeart, we take seriously each arising part of us and get to know and feel them intimately without judgment toward their charge and strategies, but instead open out to feeling why they are the way they are, and why they feel what they do, with all the time and process needed, with tears of gratitude for all they held in our absence.

My truth is that only as this kind of rigorous self-differentiation process, recognizing the emotional body, grounded in our everyday life and relationships unfolds for us, can we genuinely trust that our draw to spiritual practices are not simply another drug of medication to numb and keep unfelt emotional pain at bay.

If we have not embraced the emotional body, our seeking of Ascension or ‘raising our frequency’ becomes very suspect as simply a way to transcend our essence as a human being.

That may work for a part of you, but is it enough for you?

How much richer and fuller could your Ascension awakening be if no part of you gets left behind, allowing all of your energy in motion to fully flow into the infinite magic and wonder of life?

Raphael Awen is co-creator, teacher, and facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Please visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about space holding sessions, group calls, retreats, writings, and more.

Openness To Feeling Our Feelings As An Awakening Process

By Jelelle Awen

tearsarethelanguage

The SoulFullHeart definition of awakening is not about being liberated from feeling anything negative. It is about having the consciousness and heart capacity to hold the reactions, move through them, and gain invaluable healing and understanding in the process.

This afternoon, I experienced a sense of feeling unhappy, which is admittedly rare for me most of the time. It was a vague feeling of unhappiness without a strong charge, but really felt more like a restlessness. I couldn’t feel specific content which created this feeling, but I sensed it has something to do with changes that are coming, both personally and for our community here at the Sanctuary. Changes that will provide a crucible for growth and self understanding, as change always does. It felt like part of me was tense about these changes and how they will impact us and what they will push up to be felt.

There was a rare breeze moving through this afternoon and it seemed to reflect my impatience back to me. As has been my spiritual and emotional healing practice for many years, I asked myself: “Which part of me is agitated?’ and ‘What is going on in my life right now or what has been previously subconscious to me that is now coming up?’ Finally: ‘What do I need to be open to feeling?’

This openness to feeling the source of my reactions has led me to the place I am now most of the time….can it be called, ‘awakened’? Or, even, enlightened? I suppose it could be, seen through a certain filter. Or, at least that I have had tastes of being awakened based on the experiences I have had and continue to have. Why, then, if this is true, am I feeling restless and, even, agitated? Isn’t all that supposed to be ‘behind me’?

I feel that these questions are at the heart of the distortion about being awakened or enlightened. As if, suddenly, like receiving a bolt from the sky, we are free of our feelings and reactions. As if, we are released from our humanity and no longer ‘plagued’ by shifting moods and emotional tides. Maybe for some souls this is true….maybe it was true for Buddha as he was described by others. And for Yeshua and for Krishnamurti perhaps. But, it seems to me that these saints and sages must have had passing moods and feelings too. They were human after all, even if they had ascended to a place of consciousness that is well beyond what most of us experience every day. While I admire deeply the great saints and sages, I don’t look to them for a model of being without feelings but rather as templates of how to hold higher states of consciousness and our humanity in one individual expression of Infinite Awareness and Infinite Love.

For those of us interested in personal and spiritual growth, I feel that what we are after is understanding and awareness about our reactions and moods. We want to understand and, therefore, ultimately heal our pain and suffering to experience more joy and wonder about our lives. And through this understanding, be able to make choices that feel more in alignment with who we authentically are and our soul purpose reason for being here. Perhaps some of us want to experience our nondual nature in magical moments freed from the tight constraints and filtering of our minds. Or, we want to feel the arms of the Divine around us, guiding and holding us, even as in moments It sets us free to fly our own routes, sovereignly following our passions and our desires.

The SoulFullHeart definition of awakening is not about being liberated from feeling anything negative. It is about having the consciousness and heart capacity to hold the reactions, move through them, and gain invaluable healing and understanding in the process. Being with my feelings in this way for over ten years is what has opened my heart and soul to let in the altered states of consciousness that I have experienced and the overall joyful and magical way that I relate to my life. Yes, ‘bad’ moods still occur for me, but they are held with sacredness and honor. And, they move quite quickly rather than sticking to a deeper, unconscious depression and suffering place inside of me as they did before I began my growth process.

Within the SoulFullHeart community, we invite everyone to share reactions and feelings that come up – as I will do at dinner tonight with my mate Raphael and others after checking in with myself and my guides to feel into the source of my feelings. Being able to share our vulnerable feelings with others who can feel us and love us is another key to awakening to our essence as Infinite Love. Without a support for our inner world to come out, our false self suppresses it and part of us pretends everything is fine. This suppression comes from a sense of feeling separate from each other, which then makes it necessary to hide what we really feel. When we are invited to be authentic with ourselves, with others, and with the Divine from a place of connection and Oneness about what we are feeling, we experience the reactions move and heal. We experience that everything about us can be held with love and sacredness, even what we would have previously judged as ‘negative’ or ‘unenlightened.’

Now that I am finished writing this blog, I feel better and lighter. My heart is filled with the truth of what I am offering and my desire to share this with others who are tired of suppressing their feelings and pretending to be what they are not. The agitated mood is moving along like the breeze, not gone for good but ebbing and flowing until I need it again.

Jelelle Awen is co-creator and a facilitator of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. Please visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about sessions.